Ninja Chef Naruto
by NamelessEpitaph
Summary: When young jinchuriki are raised by nuke-nins strange things may happen. Hopefully original. Rated mostly for the overlying theme. Future Naruto/Harem, please note that first word: Future. I blame all those other Akatsuki-raised Naruto stories for this.
1. Tempura And Sushi With Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

I got this idea after reading 'Puppet Master Naruto' where Naruto was raised by Sasori. I thought about it, Naruto has been raised by a lot of people, but I don't think I've actually seen this particular set-up before, although I'm not going to use that particular facet anywhere near its full potential. I'm not exactly going to focus on keeping things in character, so please attribute any variation on politics, characters or mechanics from the original as intentional changes to set up the AU, not accidents caused by not paying enough attention (which most of them will probably be). Oh, and this will probably be mildly unpleasant for many people to read if they properly understand exactly what's going on... or funny, depending on your sense of humor... Sicko.

Anyway, I do not own any of the intellectual properties contained herein, as even things not from the Naruto universe are most likely... lifted from elsewhere, perhaps even other fan-fictions. And if any particular fan-fiction based idea happens to be your own, it's flattery, not theft.

Chapter One: Tempura and Sushi with Ramen

#Start#

Zetsu shifted invisibly through the trees, having not only avoided his replacements but also led them into combating the Konoha ANBU. He was feeling somewhat smug with the knowledge that his old village would suffer politically and militaristically. After all, he'd only nibbled on one civilian's arm, how was that such a serious crime? He gave an insidious giggle, remembering the look on the guy's face.

He knew his good cheer couldn't last though, being a missing-nin was sure to be tough and would most likely make him a stoic and cruel monster instead of the nice, fun loving guy he was. And that weird black rash he'd recently gotten on the side of his face had him a little worried, it was hard enough to get medical treatment as it was before he became a criminal, where was he going to find a doctor able to deal with his... uniqueness now?

He paused as he caught a scent in the air, meat. He wasn't particularly hunger at the moment, but why not look into it anyway?

Slipping easily through the vegetation without so much as a leaf reacting he found himself over a clearing filled with blood. Confused, he checked the area for any signs of chakra usage or battle, but found none. Shrugging to himself he slid down into the slight puddle of red fluid and plucked the lump of flesh in the middle up to examine before snacking on it.

Only to pause in confusion, the closest village, Konoha, was quite a distance away, so how could some kid have wondered all the way out here? Further, why did an unmarked child smell like the blood flooding the area? Oh well, a dead, malnourished four-year old may not be filling, but waste not, want not.

Except the child was breathing. Hmm... This would not do. Eating a dead child was fine, of course, but to kill a tiny and obviously poorly cared for boy was wrong. After some thought he re-assessed the area. There were no signs of battle or even a struggle, but there were prints from tabi fairly high in the trees, indicating a body drop by shinobi.

Well well, what to do about this? Obviously, he'd just have to take the kid with him and raise the boy up as an emergency food supply in case something went wrong. He gave little nod, congratulating himself for being such a nice guy.

And as his lifted up the small boy, noting his whisker marks, he didn't notice the black 'rash' on his cheek peel away a little.

To think, he usually hated October.

#Time Passes#

"Zetsu-nii-chan!" A sun-kissed blond whined. "I want ramen."

"You know there isn't a ramen stand anywhere nearby, if you really want ramen, learn to make it yourself. Now finish your bandit." The blond's companion replied, munching on a leg.

The child pouted and lifted a severed arm.

#More Time Passes#

"But nii-chan!" The yellowish-blond groveled, having hefted a combat-skillet in front of him.

"Fine, but only if you learn how to really use it." Zetsu replied, handing some money to a terrified shop-keeper.

"Thanks nii-chan!" The blond shouted, latching onto the nuke-nin's waist.

#Even More Time Passes#

"Nii-chan!"

"Now now, ramen isn't very healthy, besides if you can make a lot of different types of food I'm sure you'll find something you like almost as much as ramen."

"Okay, nii-chan." The strawberry-blond resignedly muttered.

#And Finally#

"So I guess this is good-bye, huh nii-chan?"

"For a while, yes. But really now, you are old enough... I think... so don't you agree it's time you made your own way in the world for a bit."

"Yeah, I guess so... So, uh... can you stop by some time nii-chan?"

"Alright, I'll be checking up on you every few months, so try not to make too much of a fuss... Bye bozu."

"Nii-chan!" The reddish blond huffed before stalking away, muttering to himself. Zetsu chuckled.

#And So It Begins#

Naruto had been wandering toward Wave for a few days now, having walked the civilian way to have time to choose what to make of the mercenaries when he got there, it wasn't as if any important village cared about Gato other than those that wanted him dead for various crimes. Besides, Gato sounded greasy and fat so he didn't have any particular interest in the man.

That was when he smelled some moderately strong chakra, chunin most likely. Well, if they were at the border between Leaf and Wave they were probably missing-nin since Konoha rarely sent anyone this way and Wave didn't even have a ninja village... Hmm, he'd have to look into it anyway.

Veering slightly out of his way he leapt into the trees alongside the road before continuing forward. The scent got stronger as he approached, he also started picking up traces of others and whiffs of expelled chakra, indicating a recent battle. But the primary two were rather strong scents still, meaning they likely had hung out in the area for quite some time to ambush traveling shinobi or wanderers, given how little traffic actually went to Wave in this day and age.

The other scents were fairly new to him, one smelled of well-worn books, dogs and lightning, another smelled like artificial shampoo, unnatural deodorant and manufactured perfume and a third stank of sake, tears and stress. But the last two were more unique, with one stinking of sorrow, metal and some indescribable quality of blood that he knew denoted a kekkei genkai in its dormant state, though it was one he'd never smelled before. And then the last, a stink of unimportance, blandness and expendability.

But enough of those who weren't here. The other ones, the two that remained, smelled almost identical, both emitting the stench of poisons, fresh rain and weapon oils.

He tracked out their exact position from both their scent and the sound of their breathing, it appeared they hadn't noticed him yet... No, it was more like they were asleep, but they also seemed to be standing so that couldn't be right... With a bit more stealth than he normally employed he sneaked around to where he believed to be behind them before hazarding a glance through foliage from a distance.

Oh, they had been captured and left behind. Well, damn, there goes the thrill of the hunt. Oh well.

Hmm, he hadn't gotten much of a whiff of that nondescript dead leaf-genin that looked to have been poisoned, despite the corpse laying so close to the other two. He must be slipping.

Now walking casually he exited the tree line and boldly stepped in front of the unconscious nuke-nins. With a lazy gesture he took out a storage scroll and unraveled it before unsealing a few more storage scrolls filled with spices and fresh ingredients. Having set everything out he then reached for the battle-skillet and misshapen, knife-like sword on his back with a gleeful grin on his face, already having a recipe to try out in mind on the two chunin.

...A few hours later he finished off his lunch, savoring the amount and flavor of chakra infused in it, before sealing away the uneaten dishes and portions while they were still hot so they would already be prepared when he wanted the left-overs. With a contented sigh he strapped his blade and skillet onto his back again and leaped off after the other ninjas he'd smelled earlier, they had enough of a head start. Besides, it had been sometime since his last chakra-rich meal and how could he pass up a second course with a kekkei genkai thrown in too? He licked his lips in anticipation, not sparing a thought to the ANBU who arrived on scene just moments after he'd left.

#First Duel Of Hatake And Momochi#

Kakashi would never admit it, but he was in a very difficult situation right now, defending his three...

"Argh!"

...two genin and their charge from another jounin wasn't easy to begin with, even without being deprived his Sharingan advantage by mist and fighting someone of nearly equal level. One wrong move could get him and his team killed very quickly, or even worse, get them killed very slowly.

So far he was holding his own, matching his opponent water-clone for water-clone but if Zabuza got the idea to use a wide area jutsu while Kakashi couldn't see him at least one of the genin would be hurt. But fortunately it didn't come to that, as another series of clones killed each other one after the other he was able to quickly perform a wind-jutsu to wipe away the fog covering the area and once more revealed the battle-field.

The two jounin stared off, both the same distance from the surviving genin and their charge, neither moving as Kakashi's first move would mean the death of one of the genin and Zabuza's would mean his own end thanks to the Sharingan. The stand off ended after a few tense seconds of escalating killing intent.

"Sasuke, calm down." Kakashi ordered without glancing away as Zabuza reached for the hilt of his zanbato. "Nothing's going to happen while I'm here." The leaf-nin drew a kunai and braced himself. In a blur of motion both jounin clashed together and broke apart nearly a dozen times, neither getting a decisive blow as Zabuza retreated closer to the shore until the two were fighting on top of the water.

"Not likely, since you're the one who'll need saving Kakashi." Zabuza shouted, starting some hand-signs.

Kakashi perfectly mimicked him and two water dragons clashed into each other. Behind Zabuza's the missing-nin launched himself forward and swiped downward with his sword, narrowly missing his target as Kakashi moved and countering with kunai. Both were once more flying through hand-signs again before they landed.

Waves countered waves and water bullets hit water bullets as the duel continued, neither gaining an upper hand over the other in their mutual attempts at shinobicide.

They clashed with blades again and then...

"Sharingan!"

They shot apart as another form leapt from the trees, landing where they'd been standing just moments before.

The figure in question had wild orange hair and purplish eyes that pulsed in a storm of red and blue beneath their surface. He wore a face mask similar to Kakashi's over his mouth and nose along with an open chunin vest and black cargo pant. On his back was strapped a massive curved pan and an over-sized kitchen knife. He was laughing giddily while emitting something akin to killing intent, but... joyous...

"A Sharingan, a Sharingan! Oh, what a delicacy! There aren't suppose to be Sharingan anymore, oh!" Both jounin adjusted their stances to defend themselves. "I have no idea what goes with Sharingan..." The previously happy-dancing weirdo paused and took up a thinker's pose. "Well, I suppose as an eye it would go in soup or be best mixed up into a sauce... Maybe I should think about it first and research other doujutsu cooking techniques for a while. After all, I may never even see another Sharingan again. Hmm... And you do have more chakra..." The weirdo said, shifting his eyes onto Zabuza. "So you probably taste better overall... But you're both jounin... Argh! I can't decide! How I am suppose to chose between a Sharingan and a huge chakra capacity? This is so unfair!"

"Zetsu's Chef..."

"The Demon Butcher..."

Both jounin shifted to have stronger guards against the newcomer than against each other.

"Sasuke, you're in charge. Take the others and go!" Kakashi shouted to the genin team on the shore behind the Demon Butcher.

The chef looked over his shoulder at the genin. "Hmm... Bland-looking... scrawny... Eh, I'd rather have bandits, there's usually enough of them to be filling."

"Kakashi-sensei, who, who is he?" The pink haired genin asked in a somewhat quiet voice while the black-haired one scowled at the chef's assessment.

"Zetsu's Chef, a missing-nin from an unknown village who served as the apprentice to S-Ranked missing-nin Zetsu from Amegakure. Assumed A-Ranked, he's never actually been witnessed in combat, but it is known that he prefers ninja with kekkei genkai or extremely large chakra capacities for his targets. He also shares in his master's habit of eating his victim's body, though he actually cooks them first."

"Cha, how insulting! That information is all wrong! I'm not nii-chan's apprentice! And I never came from a ninja village either, so I'm not missing! Honestly, I tell every ninja I run into the truth and yet nobody ever corrects the bingo-book! Hmph! That does it, I'm having Sharingan soup tonight." Naruto shouted, grabbing the skillet's handle.

Zabuza sped forward and slashed at the young chef while Kakashi crouched down and charged up chakra around his arm.

"No good, I'm almost out of chakra... I'll only have one shot." The jounin mutter to himself, which was in fact a terrible idea since he had two enemies at the moment and would have to bluff one of them later. In the meantime, zanbato met combat-skillet in a series of professional debates over which was a better weapon. The skillet won.

Naruto frowned slightly as he watched the stunned nuke-nin regain his bearings. Why was the one he said he wasn't going to eat trying to kill him? He had assumed the swordsman would wait for one of his opponents to be killed then attack the winner. Oh well.

With his left hand Naruto grabbed the zanbato-sized knife on his back and brought it down towards the mist demon's head. As expected of such a high level opponent, the blow was blocked by the enemy's sword, allowing the chef to clobber the jounin with his battle-skillet again.

Zabuza wobbled on his feet, clearly losing his composure from the second blow. In the meantime a rather large and rowdy flock of birds started screeching somewhere behind Naruto... Who ignored them in favor of shuffling through a list of delicious mist-nin recipes. Tempura with ramen sounded good.

As the missing-nin readied himself shakily, two needles bloomed from his neck and Zabuza slumped, getting caught by a rather small hunter-nin.

"Thank you for weakening him. I've been chasing Zabuza for some time." The hunter stated dryly.

"Oh, no problem. In fact, I'll even take care of the body for you." Naruto replied, sheathing his knife and leaning his skillet over his shoulder.

"Uh, that's alright." The hunter-nin shot-off, hauling Zabuza's body and sword with her.

"Hey! That's my tempura with ramen you're stealing!" He yelled, chasing after the masked ninja.

...

...

...Kakashi stood on the surface of the water, holding his charging pose and staring at where the other two shinobi had run off from. The chidori around his right arm continued to chirp and crackle as it slowly dissipated. He had been waiting for the deadly cook to turn around so he could run him through with his lightning based attack, waiting so that he could strike out in the most impressive fashion possible making his students appreciate that they had him teaching them instead of the other, less cool, jounin.

With a shrug he pulled out a copy of Icha Icha Scouts and started reading while stalking back to his students.

#Arrival In Wave#

Naruto sniffled as he slowly chewed his mercenary on rice. The hunter-nin was just too clever, at first he almost had her several times but then she started putting up these walls of ice and jumping through opening they could block. The trail had led to this camp of Gato's men. Thinking they were hiding his prey, he interrogated them all.

But now it was too late, chakra bleeds out of people within just a dozen or so minutes of death, so you had to cook it quickly to lock it in or it'd be just as bland as... Well, he never really ate animal meat before, but it probably tasted as bland as that.

So he sulked, too depressed to bother with making the mercenaries into a viable meal, instead creating the most simple and easily assembled of all foods, flash-roasted slabs on top of rice.

Unknown to Naruto, it was actually a very bad idea for normal people to eat foods that were saturated with chakra; a normal body could only hold around one and a quarter as much chakra as it produced with a few rare exceptions. Zetsu, for instance, actually produced less than an eighth the chakra he could hold and literally needed to eat fighters and ninjas to survive, let alone perform jutsu.

In contrast, Naruto had a seal that freely intermingled his chakra with an equal amount of youki from the kyuubi, not that Naruto was aware of it. As such, instead of exploding in a spectacular blaze of pure energy, his body instead leeched out the fox's youki and incorporated it into himself to let him hold and create more chakra than he could before, which was further augmented by more chakra-laced meals in a cycle that was rapidly altering the boy's composition into something never seen before. Beyond that, Kyuubi was infinitely pleased that its container had chosen to sit on the top of the food chain and sow real terror in the pathetic little humans. So pleased, in fact, that it donated little bits of its chakra to assist the boy in combat.

All these factors had culminated in a change of eye and hair color, the growth of claws and fangs and the deepening of his whisker marks, not to mention increases in height, though his frame was still quite lithe as fox youki prevented him from bulking up or growing too tall. The overall effect was similar to someone with a kekkei genkai eating enough chakra-laden meat, only applied to the entire body instead of just the bloodline markers. After all, the Sharingan didn't just pop out of the Byakugan at random, the way it "evolved" was actually what got the early Uchiha kicked out of the Hyuga clan.

With a final, heart-breaking sniffle he sealed away the rest of his bowls, not feeling nearly as hungry as he usually did in his depression. He sighed and started looking around the impoverished country in a vain and futile attempt to find the hunter-nin for lunch tomorrow. Or maybe that jounin from leaf, though he still didn't know what went with Sharingan.

#With Haku#

A pained groan filled the tiny hide out as Momochi Zabuza tried to slump into a sitting position.

"Zabuza-sama, you mustn't try to move. You're injuries are too extensive, you need rest." The faux hunter-nin told her charge, calmly resting her hands on his torso and forcing him to lay back down.

"Ah... H,how bad is it..." The demon of the bloody mist murmured weakly.

"It... I have never seen you so badly injured before, Zabuza-sama. Fortunately there is almost no bleeding internally or externally, except for the few scrapes Kakashi-san was able to give you." Haku swallowed nervously. "But several of your bones are broken and there are chakra burns where the... chef's weapon hit you. Your left tibia is broken in two places and the ulna has nearly a dozen hairline fractures. Two of your ribs on the left side are free-floating and another has a partial fracture. Your right shoulder was dislocated and your right ankle was partially shattered from absorbing the force of his downward slash. You also need to recover from the effects of being put into a death-like state and near-chakra exhaustion... and Kubikiri may need some repairs."

Zabuza sighed in frustration and glanced at the scar running diagonally across the side of his zanbato. "How long."

"Six days to return a full range of movement. A week and a half to be combat ready. It won't be a full recovery, but any longer and the bridge..."

"I see. Did you at least figure out a counter to the Sharingan? There would be no point in fighting those fools again unless Kakashi is an easy kill."

"Yes, Zabuza-sama. The Sharingan..."

#With Team 7#

"And so it becomes obvious we'll need some further training to defeat Zabuza when he recovers. Not only that, I have sent for reinforcements in case Zetsu's Chef should reappear."

"Yes, sensei." The three genin chirped back in varying degrees of excitement.

"Now then, for the first lesson... tree climbing."

"But sensei, we already know how to climb trees."

"Without using your hands, here watch." Kakashi formed a ram seal and casually walked up the side of one of the trees littering the area.

"Oh, I see, we just use our chakra to stick to the tree, right sensei?" Sakura chirped.

"Ha, that's easy." A nondescript genin declared, before walking up the side of another tree. He promptly fell and broke his neck.

"Now, that's the important part, too little will keep you from sticking to the tree, too much will repel you from it. Now you two start practicing okay?"

"Yes sensei." Sasuke and Sakura replied, setting to the task in question.

#And So Time Passes#

Haku was gathering herbs, while in disguise. She was having some difficulty focusing on the task at hand though, when she had first started she had run into the monster that had so wounded Zabuza-sama and he had commented on both her true gender, her high chakra capacity, the kekkei genkai active in her and how similar to the hunter-nin she was. If she hadn't freshly applied some perfumes to prevent being tracked she had no doubt he would have recognized her immediately, as it was his suspicion was aroused and he was no doubt tracking her every move even though she couldn't pin-point his location.

She paused when she saw a nondescript genin with a leaf-headband sleeping under a tree, his clothing ruffled and slightly torn. He was bland and plain looking, and though it felt slightly bad, he was the perfect way to get the predator stalking her off her tail. She poked his headband to wake him up.

"You shouldn't sleep out here, you'll get a cold." She started.

"Huh? Oh, yeah... Thanks." Came a blurry reply from the semi-conscious ninja.

"So, you are a shinobi of the leaf... What are you doing out here?"

"Oh, sensei had us training and I guess I fell asleep."

"Why do you train?"

"To get stronger, duh."

"But why do you want to get stronger? Do you have someone precious to you?"

"Huh? What? No! No... Well, maybe... Uh, no one comes to mind really. I guess I just don't have any real attachments in this world... Maybe, maybe if I can get stronger I can find someone who cares about me and, and not die..." He trailed off.

"So you fight because you are afraid to die?"

"Uh, not really. I'm pretty sure I'll die before sunset, like it's some kind of foregone conclusion. Just a feeling you know? But I've already come to terms with it and it's not like anyone will care or anything, I mean all my predecessors are dead no one's said anything about them so... I, I'm just a stand in... you see..."

"Well, good-bye then. Oh and I'm a boy."

"Huh? But I wasn't..." The bland genin started, rising to follow her. He froze as a giant knife brushed his throat.

"Take me to your Sharingan!"

"Huh?"

And so an utterly dull looking head rolled onto the grass of the clearing.

After a single bite of his ramen, Naruto decided never to kill bland-smelling things again.

#And To The Bridge#

Naruto wandered around the woods, aimlessly seeking the training ground of team 7 he had over heard about from his last meal. Instead he found a diced up boar.

Shrugging, he tracked after the trail left by the mercenaries as they were better fare than utterly tasteless genin. He arrived just in time to see the two he was following cut down a nondescript genin with a leaf headband before threatening a woman and her child. With a lazy sigh he killed the swordsmen and reduced them to shredded mercenary, which went well as a stew item. He had just finished packing away the new ingredients when the woman shyly starting pleading to him.

This confused Naruto, civilians largely fled on sight of him, especially after seeing him prepare food. He cocked his head and listened.

"...help my father, I'm sure Gato's men are swarming the bridge..."

And he was off. Mercenaries may be small fry, but swarming meant more than enough to be filling.

What he found when he arrived was even better. There were two genin teams, minus the one nondescript genin that was laying in a pile of severed limbs and a pool of his own blood near some sort of crystal dome, as well as four jounin. Not only that, but one of the jounin was Zabuza and another was that hunter-nin with a kekkei genkai! And the new genin team had three kekkei genkai in it too.

Everyone except Zabuza froze as he arrived. It was only for a second, but it was more than enough time for the missing-nin to generate a thick mist that concealed everything from the eyes. Not that it mattered much to Naruto, his nose and ears gave him an edge over everyone else now, so he strode boldly forward.

His first action was to swat the hunter-nin out of her mirror and shatter them with his skillet. He then brushed aside the three genin within the icy dome, knocking them toward the bridge-builder to get them out of the way. The genjutsu that was put on him was similarly brushed aside and the kunoichi responsible was also knocked away. Then his two real targets came into range.

Zabuza was sneaking around giving Kakashi light slices but never causing vital damage. Kakashi, in contrast, was perfectly still, reacting only by side-stepping when necessary to evade fatal damage. With a grin Naruto took his santoku in hand and prepared to strike at the same time Zabuza did so he could store the Sharingan away first.

But Kakashi was ready for it. He narrowly side-stepped so that the two blades clashed against each other, letting him stab at Zabuza's arm with kunai, disabling it. The eyebrowless man backed away as the hunter-nin went to assist him.

"I knew you'd return. But this is where it ends Zetsu's Chef! Ninpou: Earth Binding Fangs!" Kakashi shouted, cuing several dogs to leap from the ground and latch onto Naruto, holding him in place. Kakashi took his charging pose as the mist started clearing.

"Huh, I've never tried summons before... I wonder what they taste like." Naruto muttered, uninterested.

A chidori popped to life around Kakashi's right arm and he started forward.

With a slight (to him) burst of chakra, Naruto dispelled the dog clinging to his right arm and brought the battle-skillet before him, unalarmed. Chidori hit skillet and glanced off the rounded bottom, sliding around it and throwing the jounin off balance. The chidori dispelled another nin-dog before punching a hole straight through the bridge.

The chef snorted as the other summoned dogs disappeared. One casual flick of the skillet-hand's wrist later Kakashi was flying into the railing on the far-side of the bridge.

With a sinister giggle Naruto returned his attention to his future sushi with ramen and tempura with ramen. The sushi was cowering behind the tempura. Sad really. Suddenly the tempura launched forward, his zanbato slashing downward while the sushi shot into a mirror and popped out of another one, hurling senbon. Santoku met zanbato and frying pan met senbon. The ninja weapons didn't stand a chance. One flick later both sushi and tempura were collapsed against the railings opposite Kakashi, tempura's zanbato in two massive shards.

"Ha ha ha, so this is all the demon of the mist can manage huh? You're no demon, you're just a cute little imp!" A grating voice declared, the very sound of it reducing Naruto's appetite.

"Shut up." The chef shouted, trying not to vomit.

"Ah, what's the matter? Angry? Don't act so surprised, you should have guessed I wasn't going to pay you." The voice sounded again... Making Naruto run to the railing and empty his stomach.

Everyone who had been present during the fight watched, confused as the mist cleared completely revealing a mass of mercenaries at one end of the bridge and more than a few unconscious genin at the other end with dazed jounin in between.

"Eh, who the hell are you?" The fat and greasy fellow behind the mercenaries demanded, pointing at Zetsu's Chef.

He contained the urge to vomit again and growled as he faced the short... thing. How dare the sound of its voice make him lose... well actually all that was really in there at the time was stomach acid... but still! He had been on the verge of getting six kekkei genkai and four jounin level chakra and now he wasn't hungry. At all! This never happened, all his life he was always at least a little hungry, but now... Now...

"Die!" He roared, enraged. In a mad charge he fully released his normally contained chakra and rarely existent killing intent. The mercenaries and business man froze in paralyzed terror. Within minute all were cut down and bloody, dismembered remains littered the area. He panted angrily, his chakra still swirling and pulsing around him in a cloud of destructive power. Finally he sighed, strapped his bloodied equipment onto his back and turned away, muttering "I'm not hungry any more" in a pouting voice before disappearing in a burst of speed.

Zabuza gathered up the two pieces of Kubikiri and Haku before fleeing. Kurenai got her bearings and started kicking Kakashi in his ribs to wake him up while Sakura and Hinata tried to awaken their surviving teammates.

And so the bridge of Gato's End was completed.

#Author's Notes#

Someone pointed out I hadn't been putting translations down. As I'm somewhat lazy, I'll assume there is some familiarity with Naruto fanfiction and only post those words unlikely to be seen in other fics. I kinda don't want to do even that, but some of the details of the story require it.

Santoku - Three purpose kitchen knife, used largely on fish and vegetables as it's a somewhat traditional instrument, used for its traditional three purposes. Slices, chops and shaves (think skinning, but only for relatively thin things, like potatoes and fish).

And I just realized how much more annoying the on-site spellchecker is.


	2. Preparations For A Feast With Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

A santoku is a Japanese three purpose kitchen knife. Naruto's is a scaled-up version comparable to a zanbato, his combat skillet is similarly oversized, think of the ones from Makai Kingdom.

And here is the second chapter of Ninja Chef Naruto. Enjoy.

Chapter Two: Preparations for a Feast with Ramen

#Hokage's Office#

"I see..." The Sandaime muttered slowly. He had just sat through the combined reports of team 7 and team 8, both of whom had participated in the badly under-ranked mission to Wave. What to say, what to say... "Congratulations, all of you. This will be ranked, filed and paid as your first A-ranked mission. Dismissed... Kakashi, stay a moment."

The genin and Kurenai filed out, most eager to collect their pay or go off bragging.

"Yes Hokage-sama?" The copy-nin prompted once the room was clear.

"There are two matters I feel we need to cover more clearly. First, what are the complaints you mentioned Zetsu's Chef having against his bingo-book entry... And second, why are seven deaths filed as having occurred from your team over the course of the mission?"

"Ah, because the third member of our team died or was discovered dead a total of seven times."

"Oh, I see. Continue." The aged ninja muttered, scribbling down the answer in the margin of the mission report.

"...I believe the first point he mentioned was he never came from a ninja village and therefore isn't a missing-nin. He also referred to Zetsu as nii-chan, though this is probably more of a nickname then an actual relation, and dismissed the notion of being his apprentice. What skills I have seen him use center around kenjutsu, using a giant santoku and frying pan as his weapons with no use of nin or genjutsu. Also, the frying pan was able to deflect my chidori. His physical strength is monstrous, though his speed is not particularly impressive for an A-ranked ninja. His stealth I can't comment on, since both my encounters took place while I was in the heat of battle and was unlikely to notice even a chunin sneaking around, though from what I've seen he has little use of it and is supremely overconfident in his abilities. He also appears to be under the impression that we've lost the Sharingan completely, therefore it is safe to assume his information network is very poor."

The Sandaime nodded absently. "Tell me, Kakashi, what rank do you feel needs to be applied to him."

"Assuming caution is taken when he's spotted and the ninja in question doesn't underestimate him, any A-ranked hunter-nin team should be able to take him down."

"Very well. Dismissed." The copy-ninja vanished in a poof. "I suppose it's almost time then." The old man muttered to himself, puffing on his pipe and relaxing a little.

#Uchiha District#

"I've activated my Sharingan." Sasuke announced without preamble.

"Oh, that's wonderful Sasuke-kun."

"Getting ready to take your rightful place huh bozu?"

"I guess it's time for new training courses then."

In a large-ish mansion the remnants of the Uchiha clan had gathered within a single, vast dining room, there numbers in the half-dozens as opposed to the tens of dozens the compound was designed to house. With the strain policing the village had on their numbers after Itachi's attempt to slaughter them all there was only one actual, active ninja in their ranks at the moment, Sasuke. He was, however, just the first of a younger generation that was slowly emerging from the ruins of their prodigy's attack against them.

Itachi had turned on them and killed the majority of the retired and the young easily along with those that only had basic combat training, but when faced with military police force he only managed to kill most of them, his own father included, before being momentarily driven off. Then, to their disgrace, the clan exile managed to both defeat and cripple their prodigy, giving the man's stolen eye to his teammate for some sick reason the Uchiha could never understand. Itachi had still managed to escape the village though.

"Yes, I am ready." Sasuke declared, smiling at those around him. Amazing what not watching your families' death 259200 times within the span of a second could do to you.

#Namikaze Residence#

A black-haired man with onyx eyes sighed. Even now, after everything that had happened, after gaining all the recognition he'd lacked as a child, he still wasn't happy.

Kakashi had finally acknowledged him, but only by declaring he was out of his league. So far their sparing matches, even after giving him a Sharingan eye, did nothing but prove it. Kakashi could barely touch him now.

Rin had finally admitted to loving him, but only moments before getting married under clan law. The meaning was clear, she loved him, but he couldn't really care for her since he was practically a ronin without a clan behind him. He made it a point to never see her again.

His sensei, who had gone so far as to adopt him into his fake clan roaster when his old clan disowned him, was dead, his legacy following him soon after. He was left as head to a non-existent clan which had existed only to hide the real Kazama clan from those that would want revenge against them. To think Minato Namikaze was nothing more than Arashi Kazama in hiding was actually kind of funny, as the last Kazama and by default the last Namikaze, there was no one and nothing left to hide.

Sensei's wife and daughter had vanished soon after his death, only Jiraiya had ever been able to find them and he vanished from leaf after Kyuubi's container had died.

And his clan, the ones he had wanted to impress the most, had suffered a huge loss from one of their own and no longer cared about anything other than the new heir and their attempt to rebuild.

Why is it that his one truest dream had to come at the expense of everything he hoped that dream would fix? Why aren't there any happy endings? He had been such a fool to think being Hokage would simply make his life perfect.

Obito grumbled to himself for a moment before taking another sip of sake and wandering off to lose himself in training for a while, to forget everything if only for a few moments. After all, he would need to at least look happy during his nomination. It wasn't like there was anyone else who could shoulder the burden of an entire village right now.

#Somewhere In Tea Country#

"Hmm, ha hmm, ha hmm." The great ninja chef hummed to himself tunelessly, ambling aimlessly around the roads of tea country and throwing stealth out the window since there weren't suppose to be any ninja in the land of Tea. Well, except the kind no one would miss.

It was nice to take a break and just whittle away at the massive wealth of stored food he had for a while. Deny it all he wanted, he needed time to recover from the grotesque memory of that... thing's voice and regain his appetite. And then, then... well, he'd figure out what to do when the time came.

And then the chakra signature he'd absently been following flared and reversed course straight at him, another signature closely following it.

Naruto laughed to himself and scratched the back of his head. He hadn't really meant to follow someone's chakra, but it was so strong and bizarre that he just kind of gravitated towards it. In fact, neither of the approaching signature felt or smelled particularly tasty, one had corrupted chakra that seemed out of place in its body, sort of like repackaged chips in a bag that had already held a different flavor, ruining both. The other one was diseased and thereby, also inedible.

And then they dropped in front of him, both pale and unappetizing. One had snake eyes, long black hair and purple marks from under his eyes to the end of his nose. He smelled female, but looked to be more masculine than androgynous. Weird. The other had two orange-ish dots high on his forehead, bordering his hairline. To Naruto he was otherwise unremarkable as that meant he was a Kaguya, likely the last of his clan. And diseased too. What a pity.

"How dare you follow Orochimaru-sama!" The Kaguya shouted, flexing his arm in preparation. The arm of his companion rose in front of him, delaying his attack.

"Ku ku ku. Now now Kimimaro-kun the more important question is why he was following me. And, why were you trailing me, stranger-chan?"

Naruto shuttered slightly, Orochimaru's voice had a feminine lilt that tried to sound both sweet and innocent and at the same time be seductive and threatening but otherwise it sounded masculine. It didn't make him lose his appetite like Gato's had, but it did bring back the horrifying memories from Wave by comparison. It just felt wrong. "Ah ha ha ha, yeah... It was kind of an accident. I mean it just felt weird and I thinking about something else so I just kind of ended up following you."

"Ku, really now stranger-chan, you shouldn't just wander around like that. Someone might get... ideas."

There was more of a veiled edge this time, but as always Naruto neatly side-stepped both subtly and innuendo with sheer obliviousness. "Oh, right. But it's fine, I'm not really all that hungry at the moment and neither of you are very appetizing."

Orochimaru's eyes widened for half a second before schooling his features. So this boy wanted to play that kind of game, huh? Well, he hadn't played for a while himself. "Ku ku ku, you may be surprised just what can satisfy certain... hungers."

"Oh I knew that already actually. You might not believe it, but Iwa-nin taste pretty good, despite looking... gritty, I guess."

"So you don't care much for appearances hmm?"

"Well once you peel the skin back everyone looks pretty much the same."

Well, that was explicit. Explicit, but easily countered. "Oh? You don't have much experience with women hmm? Ku ku ku..."

"Ah, I have gotten a few every so often, but they usually aren't as filling as their male counterparts, they just don't have enough chakra..."

"Ku ku ku, that's a rather interesting way of looking for a partner."

"Huh?"

"Most people don't care about chakra capacity when doing that sort of thing."

"What! That's... that's blasphemy!"

Orochimaru chuckled, not only was this somewhat entertaining, but it also gave him practice for seducing Sasuke-kun later on. "It just doesn't relate, stranger-chan."

"Nonsense! You can't lock the proper flavors in if there isn't enough chakra! You'd be better off frying up wild boar if that's your attitude about it."

Such a shame that the boy was losing his edge already. "Ku ku ku... That's just the way it is, stranger-chan."

The area suddenly exploded in raging chakra, burning and twisting everything near Naruto as the two Oto-nin slid back from the pressure. The killing intent nearly brought them to their knees as it was leveled in their direction. "Who dares profane the sacred art of cooking with such vulgar claims!" The chef screamed, bright blue chakra flaring off of him in a swirling storm.

Orochimaru hesitated, since when were they talking about co... Oh, of course, the boy must be too young to understand what he was talking about and he was vague enough to let him connect it to whatever he was talking about to begin with. But the sheer amount of chakra the boy had been hiding was monstrous, he had never personally felt so much chakra coming from one person, not even Kisame had this much to throw away in a fit. Or perhaps the boy lacked control... no, he could never have concealed it so well earlier then. This was bad. "Ahem, stranger-chan, I think you have misunderstood me, I did not mean to suggest... cooking so much as... a human need for... companionship."

Immediately every ounce of power flooding the field vanished as though it never existed. "Oh, that's okay then." Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Ah ha ha ha, sorry I kind of freaked out like that."

"Orochimaru-sama!" Came a yell from the distance as four figures rapidly approached to form a defensive pattern in front of their leader.

"Tch. None of you are very appetizing either. Ick, tainted meat." Naruto muttered, noticing a corrosive chakra burning through the new-comers.

"What'd that cock-sucking fagget just say?" Tayuya roared.

"Tayuya, a lady shouldn't..." Jirobo started, falling off into silence as Orochimaru spoke.

"Stranger-chan... Ku ku ku, tell me, are you the one known as Zetsu's Chef?" Everyone between the snake and the chef tensed.

"Well of course not." They relaxed. "Aniki doesn't need a chef." They tensed again. "That's like saying I want to eat you guys." They relaxed, a little. "I mean, who wants tainted meat?" They tensed again, but for a different reason.

Tayuya took a firm stance and drew her combat-flute, lifting it to her lips. Naruto, sensing her attack, grasped the handle of his battle-pan.

"Tayuya-chan. Do try to avoid starting unnecessary fights with those stronger than you." The sannin said quietly. The kunoichi lowered and put away her weapon grudgingly. "Now then, Chef-kun, how would you like to join a village and have a home again, hmm?"

"Why does everyone think I'm some kind of missing-nin? I never came from a village." Naruto grumbled back, slightly annoyed.

"What I mean, Chef-kun, is perhaps I can offer you a place in Otogakure."

Naruto blinked. "...You mean you don't want to destroy me for being a monster that devours all I see?" It was understandable he had some difficulty getting over that little detail, most shinobi and even normal people tended to harp on it.

"Ku ku ku, you would be required to work with the shinobi around you and not eat them of course, but if you were to eat ninja from somewhere else, what do I care?" Orochimaru countered reassuringly.

"I, ...I guess that sounds alright..." For someone whose every good memory was of traveling around and whose nightmares were tempered by visions of his only previous home, his hesitation towards settling down was surprisingly slight. The shock of finding someone who didn't think he was a monster kept him from thinking about it too hard.

The sound four shifted uneasily but remained silent.

"I don't believe I've heard your name, Chef-kun." The snake pressed on.

"Oh, right. I'm Naruto." The chef replied, grinning sheepishly.

The Otokage smiled back in something resembling anticipation.

#Otogakure#

"You wanted to see me Orochi-datesha?" The newest Oto-jounin asked, stepping into the Otokage's office.

"Ah, yes. Naruto-kun, I believe it's time you started your employment here properly, by taking on and training a team of genin. We have a certain lack of... quality jounin to teach our next generation." Orochimaru stated. "I have already selected a team for you."

"Oh, uh..." The chef scratched his reddish-orange hair absently. "I haven't really taught anyone before... Heh heh, this'll be great, but what recipes should I start them off on? Iwa-nin with ramen or nuke-nin with ramen?" He muttered off various possibilities as Kin, Dozu and Zaku stalked in.

Orochimaru began to reconsider handing over his failed experiments to this particular... ninja. But then again, it wasn't like they'd get any weaker hanging around him. In fact, if Naruto-kun frightened them enough, it would only make them more loyal to himself and all the more willing to sacrifice themselves, if only to get away from the madman. Yes, it was perfect.

Kin, Dozu and Zaku suddenly started sweating, feelings of impending doom baring down around them.

#Somewhere Between Iwa And Suna#

"Okay, good." Naruto said, then sighed. "Your combat skills are unusual, but flavorless and predictable once the spice of surprise is gone and the choice of jutsu you all use is too obvious from your appearance, letting your enemies prepare their pallets a little too well. You, long-hair. You will become better at taijutsu and terrain usage than genjutsu to surprise your opponents. Broom-head, weaponry and medical, haystack, gen over nin." Naruto nodded to himself as his charges whined. "Second, your stealth is dry and nowhere near subtle enough. You must all learn to pick up on you target's chakra and, more importantly, how to suppress your own so your prey doesn't catch on until it's already being fried up."

"That doesn't make any sense, sensei." Kin ground out, being the only one among the genin able to speak without exploding in rage.

Out of nowhere this bastard their own age shows up, becomes their jounin-sensei and drags them off to some random location between Suna and Iwa, then has them parade around until they attracted a patrol, which they then had to kill while he sat back watching. All while listening to his terrible cooking analogies. Honestly, he made it sound like they were going sautte and marinate the ninja they just struggled to defeat.

"Now, I realize, thanks to Orochi-datesha, that most shinobi training doesn't cover this next part, so I'll walk you guy through it, step by step. So, do any of you know anything about marinade or sautte?" The chef asked, casually drawing both his pan and knife. His genin sweat-dropped but were otherwise frozen. "I thought so." He tossed out a small scroll of instructions and a storage scroll on top two of the dead bodies. "See if between the three of you you can make a... workable ramen out of those two and if it passes for a first attempt you get to eat before we start drilling the basics of cooking into you."

The genin hesitated, expecting this to all be a sick joke, only to be disappointed as his stern gaze fell upon them. They took the scrolls to see what they had to work with.

Naruto smiled before flipping the other two ninja from the patrol into his battle-skillet. They'd learn what they needed in the two and a half months Orochi-datesha gave him with them. Yes, these apprentices would do nicely.

#And So Time Passes#

"I, Hatake Kakashi, hereby nominate team 7 to participate in this year's chunin exam. I feel that it's..."

"...it's time. I have a special assignment for your team, Naruto-kun. You will be officially..."

"...officially recognize Obito Namikaze as my successor. He will transition into the office of Hokage during the chunin exams and..."

"...and then during the finals Gaara will transform, forcing Konoha..."

"...Konoha during the end of the chunin exams if we keep this pace up. It'd probably be best if we waited until all the foreign ninja were gone before we start announcing..."

"...announcing our intent by snatching away Shakaku during the finals. This will hopefully make the kyuubi container panic and reveal himself. You have your orders."

#Chunin Exam Prologue (Team 7)#

Sasuke brooded and contemplated while leaning on the team 7 meeting bridge. He was strong for a genin in their first year, exceedingly so in fact. He had been training since the age of six to be worthy of taking up his proper place as clan heir, something that had to give him some kind of edge. He also had a nearly complete Sharingan, which was another advantage. He was positive he could defeat any of the rookie genin and even most of those a year or two ahead of him... Yet there were going to be the best from every village coming. Some might say Konoha was the strongest, but with what he had witnessed in Wave, that probably meant numbers-wise instead of individual strength of ninja.

No, he was good, he was strong and he was fast, but he wasn't so full of himself as to believe there was no one out there who could match or even defeat him. He was lucky the clan outcast had defeated his brother, the prodigy, because that had taught him an important lesson, or at least prepared him to learn it when Zabuza nearly beat Kakashi only for both to be defeated by one lone child of a nuke-nin with an almost casual air. There was always someone better. Age mattered little and therefore rank mattered even less. After all, Zetsu's Chef looked to be just thirteen or fourteen, yet he defeated two older jounin easily and maybe even four, if Kurenai's suspicions about her own defeat were to be believed. A shame she got blind-sided after putting a genjutsu on the chef, she shouldn't have been so overconfident as to close her eyes in preparation once she was done.

So it was safe to guess that anyone he encountered during the exam was stronger than himself, even if his most reasonable guesses said they couldn't be. As Itachi and Obito's fight had proven, the Sharingan was not invincible. Yes, he was ready to try.

Sakura, further down the bridge fretted and glanced between the flowing water and her black-haired teammate. Having only compared herself to Sasuke-kun before she had been assured of her own ability as a kunoichi thanks to being ranked as the best in her year. But now, after having seen Kurenai and Hinata in action, not to mention Kiba and Shino, she wasn't so sure any longer. The other genin had awed her during the beginning of the fight despite losing spectacularly against the faux hunter-nin, at least before the fog set in. The only reason Hinata was posted with her, was because the Byakugan couldn't pierce Zabuza's mist and only saw a bright glow, making her actually worse off using it than not. Making her as worthless as Sakura was, in other words.

Had she been slacking off that much? Hinata was a mediocre to bad kunoichi in the academy, had no self-confidence and didn't even seem to have any real motivation, yet now she was far beyond Sakura's skill level. And Kurenai had been incredible too, was the standard really that high? No, of course not! She steeled herself and vowed to train harder so she wouldn't be such a burden to her darling Sasuke-kun. In fact, she would rise up until it got to the point where she could help him, only then would she be worthy of being with Sasuke-kun, when he could rely on her as much as she relied on him.

With new determination she made a fist and flared her chakra as inner-Sakura screamed out "cha!" She was definitely entering the chunin exam and she was going to become a chunin for sure! And then, then Sasuke-kun would love her! Looking back on it, of course he thought she was annoying when she was holding him back as a sexy damsel in distress! It had to be almost as annoying as how they never had a third genin in any of their fights!

And the third genin of team 7 fell over backwards in surprise at Sakura's outburst while sitting on the railing, knocking himself out and drowning in the two foot deep stream flowing under the red and white bridge.

#(Sabaku no kyoudai)#

"Gaara..." Temari groggily groaned as she sat up in the hotel's bed. "Can't sleep?" She muttered drowsily.

"Yeah... Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you nee-chan." The form standing at the window answered absently without turning around.

"Is it..."

"No. ...no, I just... Do you think... Do you think I can protect you when... When I..."

Temari rose and lazily stalked over to her little brother, lightly wrapping her arms around him, heedless of her under-dressed state. "I'm sure it'll be fine otouto. I... No, we believe in you."

"Thanks... Nee-chan." Gaara muttered, relaxing slightly in his sister's arms. He yawned. "I guess I should get some sleep, huh?"

Temari tousled his hair and stalked back to her bed. "Well, you should get as much rest now as you can." She replied, throwing the sheets back over her body and laying down. "Good night Gaara."

"Good night... Nee-chan" Gaara mumbled as he leaned back against the wall and fell asleep. Kankuro rolled over and snored.

#(Team Chef)#

Kin hastily slurped up the last of her fried onions and Kumo-nin with ramen before thrusting her bowl forward and shouting out "seconds!" alongside Zaku. Dozu made a noise that sounded like "idiots" while savoring his reverently.

They were currently camped out a bit off from the wall of Konoha, enjoying a reward their sensei made out of a chance find. Who knew there were so many easily found spies lurking around foreign villages? While they had all learned to cook 'decently' under his instruction, none of them could make anything all that tasty except for nuke-nin onigiri with ramen, which had been very disturbing to learn how to make. Their sensei, however, was amazing. He even helped them rest and recover after training instead of leaving their beaten bodies laying in the training area until they gathered the strength to crawl to a medic. That doesn't sound like much, but it was way above their expectations at the time.

Somehow he had not only made them develop far beyond their expectations for such a narrow time frame, he was also perhaps the greatest chef in the world. To think that before this they had found the thought of eating other ninja disgusting and wrong and that someone nearly their own age would have nothing to show them. Now they couldn't dream of life without chakra-enriched food. Not only that, he had shown them how to make it themselves! Orochimaru might have brought the together, but he'd treated them like trash afterwards, Naruto-sensei on the other hand...

Kin blushed and giggled, prompting the entire team to look at her oddly. Dozu shook his head sadly and focused on his meal again muttering "idiot". Zaku developed a sinister grin while Naruto just looked clueless.

"So Kin, what's so funny?" He started as their bowls were refilled. "You weren't just thinking about sensei were you?"

Dozu jerked to attention and glared at Kin while she turned a deeper red and told Zaku to shut up. How dare she laugh at their sensei! Then he took in her blush, confirming that she was not giggling at their sensei, but instead as part of one of her perverted fantasies and promptly resumed eating.

Kin grumbled something while hiding most of her face with her bowl.

Zaku chuckled again as he tore into his second portion. It was weird to go from unwanted to lab rat to tool to part of a close-knit group so fast, but with the way their sensei was, it just kind of came naturally. To think he'd ever enjoy spending time around his teammates had been utterly outrageous to him since he started his ninja career if not longer. But then again, it wasn't like there was any reason not to. Besides, Orochimaru-sama needed ninja and so keeping more ninjas alive was of some importance, and if he could get good enough he might even surpass Kabuto one day. But in the meantime he couldn't wait to show the Otokage how much stronger he'd gotten.

After all, even this moment he owed to Orochimaru-sama. So long as Naruto-sensei and Orochimaru-sama weren't trying to kill each other it didn't really matter which one he liked more, since they were both on the same side, right?

Zaku killed that line of thinking by calling out for thirds with Kin. Why would Naruto-sensei ever want to kill Orochimaru-sama? What a weird thought.

#Author's Notes#

Ah, I should probably mention here that this has been sitting on my computer for months and I'm just now posting what I wrote way back when, so updating is going to be semi-sporadic and probably occur in bursts of a few chapters at once when I think of it. Sorry.

Oh, and the #And So Time Passes# block, each of those speeches are spoken by different groups, it's not switching back and forth and if you know whose talking in one of them, they aren't talking in any of the others.

Onigiri - Riceball-ish thing, usually triangle shaped.

Datesha - Dude. Generally, one wouldn't refer to their boss as dude.

Kyoudai - Siblings.


	3. Sukiyaki With Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

Chapter Three: Sukiyaki with Ramen

#Waiting Around#

Naruto sat comfortably in the jounin waiting area, watching each new arrival enter as he nibbled on some Suna-nin jerky. Apparently Otogakure was allied with them, so he felt it was best to dispose of the evidence of his team's past before he had to interact with any of them. Besides, he was hungry.

It had occurred to him that it might be bad manners to have obvious weapons hanging out while around other ninjas you had no intentions of killing, so he'd sealed away his combat-skillet and santoku, feeling awkwardly lightweight without them. Not only that, his headband itched again. Honestly, whose bright idea was it to have assassins wear identifying markers like this? He was very glad that he only had to wear it while appearing in an official capacity.

Naruto turned his head as another local jounin-sensei poofed into existence. His team had been second to arrive, being narrowly beaten by some early Ame-nin, so he'd been sitting here for awhile, wondering what was taking so long.

He suddenly noticed the red-eyed jounin who had just appeared was freaking out and gaping like a fish. Hmm... She smelled vaguely familiar, maybe he had eaten her sister or something? Oh great, now she was whispering to some bearded guy that stank of smoke and was now looking at him funny. And the Kusa-nin behind them was staring too, though she was clearly disbelieving. He chewed some more jerky, making the first Konoha-nin flinch and look that disgusted pale green color people sometimes turn from watching him cook while smoky tried to comfort her. The grass kunoichi shook her head and stalked away from the pair. Honestly, some people.

"So you are the one he sent." The presence behind him muttered, it was not a question. "A child as young as yourself has enough experience to teach genin?"

He'd sensed the presence sneaking around the room, trying to get behind him, and hadn't really cared. You can't just attack someone at these events, apparently, without some sort of terrible consequences befalling you, so he wasn't worried. He spared a casual glance over his shoulder to see who it was that stank of sand, blown air and blood so strongly.

And quickly twisted away from him and stuffed the rest of his jerky into his mouth, chewing quickly and swallowing a moment later. He gasped after having nearly choked himself, not paying any attention to the smoking leaf jounin trying to awaken fainted leaf kunoichi. That had been close, he'd almost been caught with the evidence. He turned back to face the Suna-nin.

"Naruto." The chef extended a hand to shake.

The sand jounin looked at the offered hand and simply nodded recognition. "Names do not matter between us. I was merely looking into who he entrusted to prepare things. I have seen enough." The sand jounin turned and stalked to the other end of the room, missing the little show Kakashi put on by poofing into existence and leaping into a defensive stance then taking in location and relaxing, all in a single instant. The copy-cat slowly paced over to the chef and sat beside him, warily eying his headband.

"So you turned to sound for protection, hmm?" The copy-nin lazily drawled out, watching Kurenai slowly revive.

"Huh? Protection? Oto-rokurokubi offered me a place to settle down, that's all." Naruto scowled slightly. "Though if it really involves so much of this... posturing to live in a village, I think I'm going to just travel around again when this is over with."

"Not concerned about the information we gathered on you?"

"Information?" Naruto tried to think of anything they could blackmail him with. He came up blank.

"We know your fighting style now."

"Oh, that." Naruto relaxed again. "Jerky? ...Anyway, that was just how I fight idiots who have run out their chakra already. Well, I suppose the sheer number made me a little overeager at the bridge. I'm usually better about it."

"Thanks." Kakashi absently accepted the offered food. "And I should believe that because?"

"...It's the truth?"

"Is that really the best you can come up with?"

"Well it is." Naruto huffed, tearing loose another piece from the chunk of dried meat he had. "How long do these things usually take anyway?"

"The entire exam will take about five weeks, the first one is usually the quickest." Kakashi finished checking the meat he'd been handed for poisons. He quickly popped it in his mouth when no one was looking. "...This is pretty good."

"Oh, thanks. Always trying to come up with a better recipe, you know."

"If all your rations are like this I can understand why you..." Kakashi froze and spat out the meat he'd been chewing. Kurenai fainted again at the sight of his face, though this time her face was a bright red instead of deathly pale.

"Something wrong with it?" Naruto asked, plainly disappointed. "Because you really shouldn't waste food like that."

"Indeed, my hip rival, how you could throw away some delicious morsel of culinary delight gifted to you by one so filled with the flames of youth?" Gai shouted, approaching the two.

"Gai it was... I... never mind." Kakashi muttered annoyed, taking out an old copy of Icha Icha Wars to read, one of the duller issues so it wouldn't fully absorb his attention.

"So hip..." The large-ish man in green muttered to himself while crying mini-waterfalls. His tears disappeared just as suddenly when he turned on the only Oto-nin present. "And where do you hail from, youthful Oto-nin? I believe the genin are your village's first generation, correct?"

"I guess so, I didn't really notice. Oh, jerky? ...Anyway, I've just sort of been traveling around pretty much my whole life, so I'm not really sure."

"Oh?" Chew. "But surely one so versed in the shinobi art as to have achieved the rank of jounin at such a young age must be well trained by someone of note."

"I don't know. Aniki did train me a bit when I was younger, but we parted ways a few years ago. Besides, Oto-rokurokubi just kind of declared I was a jounin after I joined his village. There wasn't even a test."

"Perhaps you impressed him with your prowess beforehand in some way when first meeting him?" Chew. "A newly formed village would probably accept such a thing more easily than one might think."

"Hmm. I suppose so..."

"Gai, trust me. He is definitely within the jounin rank." Kakashi murmured, disgusted by what his self-proclaimed rival was eating.

"Ah, it is wonderful to hear my hip and cool rival say such things about a foreign shinobi for once. Truly, you must be an inspiration." Chew. "Speaking of, this is a most youthfully flavored dish. Might I beseech you to allow me some for my most youthful genin team to sample?"

"Eh? Oh sure, I was actually looking for a way to get rid of most of it before it became a problem. It makes great rations, but..."

"Fear not, for I shall ensure that the entirety is most youthfully devoured and enjoyed as proper food should be!" Gai declared, accepting a rather large chunk of the Suna-nin jerky.

Kurenai, who had just barely regain consciousness yet again, upon hearing Gai shout out and seeing what he was accepting and who it was from, fainted once more.

"Um, Gai, you really shouldn't..." Kakashi started.

Hearing his rival say something, the green beast turned and performed his nice guy pose to put his rival's fears to rest. The shine off of his teeth filled the room like a magnesium flare and blinded over half the present jounin.

"Hmm. That was somewhat more chakra than I had intended. In fact, now that I think about it, I am brimming with energy! Yosh! I shall run twenty laps around Konoha before the first exam is finished!" He yelled, charging out of the room at a high speed.

"What a nice guy. Not many people seem to appreciate fine cooking anymore." Naruto said to himself, leaning back and carefully unsealing the ramen that went with the jerky he had just given away.

#Approaching The First Exam#

Team 7 stood along the entry wall with the other rookies, it was a shame the fight between that spandex freak and the guard chunin on the second floor accidentally killed their third member, but they'd been allowed in anyways and all three of them were talking to various others among team 8 and 10. Or at least they were until a certain silver-haired medic walked over.

"You rookies should keep it down, everyone here is just a little antsy and your making them angry. You see those Uzu-nin, they're known for their short tempers." The silver-headed one sat down in front of the others and started babbling on about the strength of each village and size and history. Finally the trap was sprung. "As it happens, I have some info-cards that I compiled on pretty much every ninja out there, want to take a look?"

"Hey yeah, you got anything on that bastard from Wave? What was his name? Tetzu's Cleft?" A loud mongrel in a white coat shouted, getting a bark of agreement from his puppy companion on his head.

"Zetsu's Chef." His stoic teammate replied, adjusting his sunglasses.

"Obito Namikaze." Sasuke uttered quietly, silencing the other genin. "And Itachi Uchiha."

Kabuto let off a tsk sound as the expected name of Gaara did not come up. Clearly the encounter he'd gone to all that trouble to engineer hadn't left a strong enough impression. He put on a flaky smile. "So you know their names. That takes the fun out of it." He drew three cards in rapid secession. "But really, should you be using this opportunity to dig up information on your potential opponents?" Seeing the Uchiha glare at him, Kabuto sighed and powered the cards.

"Obito Namikaze. Jounin. Outcast of the Uchiha clan prior to the massacre. He was trained by the Yondaime along with Rin Ikuhara and Kakashi Hatake. His Sharingan is in an apparent dormant state and has only activated once, at a level so low it completely lacked the toma signifying its development. He is the current candidate for Godaime and will be instated by the end of the month. No romantic involvements other than with his teammate Rin, who he had an apparent falling out with. Mission history, 51 D ranked, 94 C ranked, 122 B ranked, 37 A ranked and 14 S ranked. Lowest possible bloodline score above zero, since all he receives from his bloodline is the normal chakra boost a limit gives, but otherwise higher than these cards were designed for, except for tool use which is one notch short of surpassing this scale. Shoe-size is-"

"Enough." Sasuke barked aggressively. "Move on."

"Alright then, Itachi Uchiha. Nuke-nin. Proclaimed the greatest Uchiha to ever live, excepting Madara, prior to his attempt to kill his entire clan. He was trained primarily by his father until a special exemption was made and he began receiving private tutoring by various retired ANBU operatives. At the age of twelve he made ANBU, at the age of thirteen he achieved captain status and at the age of fourteen he attempted to wipe the entire Uchiha clan off the face of the earth, but was stopped by a former clansman turned outcast. In the fight he lost an eye and was forced to retreat after a running battle with the remains of the military police force. Mission history, 0 D ranked, 8 C ranked, 87 B ranked, 19 A ranked and 2 S ranked. Bloodline, genjutsu and ninjutsu are off the scale, taijutsu and tool use is one notch below scale maximum. Ranked as an S-class criminal in bounty and S-class ninja in threat potential. Whereabouts unknown. Shoe-size at the age of fourteen..." Kabuto smirked, at least Sasuke was still hung up about his brother, exactly like planned.

"I see. No quick way out, just pure experience and hard work. That's how I'll rebuild my clan." Sasuke nodded to himself, have assured his beliefs and strengthened in his resolve. Trying to take shortcuts was sadly one of the things his clan excelled at both finding and doing, but doing things that way led to outcasts surpassing your best. Itachi beat his brethren because he had worked and trained harder under ANBU for a longer time than any of the police force. Similarly, Obito defeated Itachi not by some fluke, like Sasuke had secretly expected and maybe even hoped for, despite reports clearly stating otherwise. No, he won because Itachi himself had taken a shortcut to ANBU captain and Obito had struggled and fought to gain the same level of power. They were nearly equal, but one just knew how to use their power better than the other since they lacked the Sharingan and had to train and master each little thing like a normal ninja! He knew now, as soon as he got a chance he would put forth a clan decree, making every Uchiha review and master any new jutsu the Sharingan gives them before using them in the field.

Kabuto frowned. That wasn't the reaction he had been hoping for by the sound of it. Experience and hard work were not what Orochimaru wanted the boy to focus on. He'd better-

"Hey, come on. Last card." The voice of the mongrel shook the informant out of his daze. "Come on man don't just fade out like that on us."

"Oh, of course. Sorry, I was just thinking about where Itachi must be now." Kabuto lied, getting a sinking feeling when Sasuke didn't even look up from his own thoughts. "Now where were we... Ah, Zetsu's Chef." He activated the card. "Almost a complete unknown, Zetsu's Chef or the Demon Butcher, had no known village of origin and claims outright to have never belonged to any hidden village. The latest information put in the Konoha bingo book after an encounter in Wave confirm some rumors, but fly in the face of others. For instance, the idea that he is a powerful tool user who relies largely on his unusual weaponry of choice was confirmed, but there was also a stated claim that his stealth is poor which fails to measure up against his record of evasion and ambush. Few ninja who encounter him survive and his appearance is only vaguely defined by sightings, his most recognizable features being the massive frying pan and kitchen knife he wields. Mission history, unknown. Skills listed as unknown for nin and genjutsu, very high in taijutsu and off the scale in tool use. Bloodline in listed as unknown but assumed high as normal ninja are incapable of consuming large amounts of chakra saturated meat without spontaneously exploding in a blaze of chakra energy or being forced to open some gates to accommodate and burn away the extra energy. Another S-ranked criminal in bounty, but only ranked as A in threat potential. Shoe-size, unknown." Kabuto adjusted his glasses ominously. "A real monster, as you can see. After all, what kind of freak goes around eating human flesh?"

The sound genin simmered and prepared to attack before the signal was given, no one dissed their eating habits and got away with it, even if they were Orochimaru's spy. Besides, this chef sounded like a pretty nice guy, after all their sensei used the exact same weapons and also cooked up enemy ninja all the time. Heck, he probably trained under the same guy as sensei's mysterious aniki, but just happened to become the more famous student. There was no way sensei was A-ranked anyway, everything they'd seen except his stealth was only medium B at best.

So they charged. Kabuto was ready, but expecting them to be somewhat slower, he almost missed his chance to dodge, and would have taken the hit in full if the third genin from team 7 hadn't leapt up and pushed him aside.

As it was, the spy stared in muted shock at the splatter of red that now dominated the wall behind him. The sound genin were much more powerful than his last report indicated, it was insane for anyone at their age to be that strong. The fake genin suppressed the urge to vomit, realizing that he hadn't even bother with using his chakra in case he got hit. That could have killed him as easily as it killed that poor, righteous idiot that saved him.

Glancing around, Kabuto noticed something was very, very wrong here. Someone had just exploded in a gale of gore, yet not one of these genin was reacting at all. Were they all that used to violence already? That wasn't possible.

He rose and stalked to the exam hall, wrapped in these thoughts, only to be shocked once again as the recently slaughter genin had taken a seat beside him as if nothing had happened! What the hell was this? Some variation of genesis rebirth? No, he was too young to store up enough excess chakra for such a thing. Kabuto maintained a nervous twitch, frequently glancing at the boy beside him until he got his team thrown out for cheating. And the kunai hurled to signify his time was up, just happen to end up buried in the skull of the genin beside him. Shivering nervously he left the room, noticing again that no one reacted at all to this sudden death.

Ordinarily such deaths wouldn't effect Kabuto either, but seeing rookies not even blink when one of their comrades fell brought out old memories and made his self-control waver.

Meanwhile, in the exam hall rampant cheating was occurring. Bird calls, mirrors and jutsu flew wildly around the enclosed area, throwing out more versions of the test answers than there were test papers in the room as various misinformation campaigns and outright sabotage attempts were started once a few of the hopefuls had completed most of their questions. A few were more honest in their hope for victory and simply quit once their papers were mostly finished. Other began seeking out to disqualify the older and stronger genin in the room.

The tenth question was posed and the chance of permanently being stuck as a genin emerged. The sound team smirked and prepared to kill off an entire generation of leaf-nin with one simple genjutsu to make the whole lot fail. Sand sat contentedly, confident in their ability to pass any question asked. The other teams were not so confident. The number dwindled until just twenty teams were left, only those few brave enough to take on the risks associated remained. Or at least those that didn't fully understand the risks anyway. The sound team had to actively restrain themselves from attacking the proctor when the tenth question was fully explained to them.

#The Second Test#

Anko Mitarashi plucked her kunai out of a nondescript genin's head where she'd impaled it to get everyone's attention. The task she gave them all was simple, take a scroll, get someone else's scroll, take both to a tower and you're done. Time-limit was five days. They had one hour to prepare and sign up and get to their respective gate. The blood on her kunai was tasteless.

Realizing she'd been vocalizing everything since the time-limit part, she chased the genin off, embarrassed and enraged.

And so it was that the gates opened and sixty genin burst into the forest of death. Let's observe their progress.

#Mist Team, One Hour In#

"See brothers? I told you they'd believe we were just genin. Now we just have find the brats to interrogate about Zabuza."

#Mist Team, Hour And A Half In#

"Hey! Who the hell are you?"

#Mist Team, One Hour, Thirty-One Minutes In#

"Oh my kami! What the hell did yo-"

#Orochimaru, One Hour And Twenty-Nine Minutes In#

"Hmm... I had hoped to find the Kusa-nin, but I suppose I can settle for Mizu-nin. Perhaps I should have grabbed them before the test started. Oh well."

#Orochimaru, One Hour And Thirty-Seven Minutes In#

"...but even though the rebreather completes the costume, I won't be able to show off my tongue to Sasuke-kun... But if the costume is incomplete..."

#Sound Team, Two Hours In#

"Hsst."

"Eh? What's that?"

"Hsst."

"Oh, you say Orochimaru-sama has a new job for us?"

"Will you just take the damn scroll and stop pretending you can talk to snakes?"

"Alright, alright... Jeez."

"What's it say?"

"Kill Uchiha Sasuke on the third day... That doesn't sound so hard."

"So, now we just need to find some dinner."

"Hsst."

"Oh, right. Here's a mouse."

"Hsst."

"Don't mention it."

"...Idiot."

#Sand Team, Three Hours In #

"Man you Uzu-nin are in real trouble now! Do you even know who this is? Do you?"

"Aniki, you're embarrassing me."

#Team 8, Three Hours And One Minute In#

"Hinata, Kiba. We need to fall back, it's obvious that sand-nin is far too powerful for us."

#Team 7, Three Hours And Two Minutes In#

"Ku ku ku, Sasuke-kun, you can never hope to defeat Itachi like this."

"Why the hell does everyone think I'm some kind of avenger!"

#Team 7, Three Hours And Twenty Minutes In#

"Gasp... gasp... Out of chakra..."

"Yes, you are much better developed than your brother was at your age. I will make sure you come to me seeking power!"

"Sasuke-kun!"

"Sakura! No!"

"Damn you, you bitch! How dare you interfere like that! ...No, how could the ANBU have already found me!"

#Team 7, Three Hours And Twenty-One Minutes In#

"I... I'm alive? Huh, this never... Argh!"

"There, I almost forgot to do that before running away. See you later, Sasuke-kun."

#Grass Team, Four Hours In#

"I don't know, something just feels wrong to me."

"For the last time, shut-up."

#Whirlpool Team, Five Hours In#

"Damn that was close. I thought for sure that sand bastard was going to kill us."

"Don't worry, we'll teach him what happens when you show mercy to your enemies."

"Hey guys, I found some stir-fry with ramen."

"The sound genin. What do you want?"

"Zaku, you idiot. That is clearly sukiyaki with ramen."

"What are they talking about?"

"Hey! Sound bastards! Who the hell are you calling stir-fry!"

"See."

"You're right. I'm an idiot. Can we eat now?"

"You know, this is the first time I can remember any meal insisting on being made a certain way."

"Hmm, you're right. It might be a trap."

"Just in case, let's make some onigiri with ramen too."

"Good thinking Kin."

"Idiots."

"...Quit ignoring us!"

"We'll teach you to mock Uzu-nin!"

#Sound Team, Five Hours And A Half Hours In#

"You know, I think they might have been dumplings with ramen."

"No, they were definitely stir-fry."

"...This is why we should have taken a cook-book from sensei."

"At least we still have some onigiri."

"Idiots!"

#Team 9, Six Hours In#

"Neji-san, have you yet to sample the most youthful rations Gai-sensei has given us?"

#End Of The First Day#

Sasuke slept lightly under the roots of a huge tree. The fact that one of his teammates was okay and perfectly capable did little to reassure him while Sakura was out of commission from that strange hickey that weird mist-nin had given her. He had managed to keep his scroll, but was it worth it if he lost his teammate? Of course not. If not for the fact that you couldn't forfeit until actually getting to the tower or waiting out the time limit he would have quit to get her some medical attention already. As it was, the closer he went to the tower, the more enemies there would be and he couldn't defeat an entire three-man team alone. So waiting it out and watching over her was all he could do.

The third genin had insisting on setting up traps, but given the current track-record, Sasuke was much more confident in actual combat, which was sad as he had lost almost all the real fights he had been in. Not to mention he was injured and exhausted.

Sasuke bolted into consciousness, another nightmare playing across his memory before fading. He glanced at Sakura's unconscious form.

Why?

The thought had been plaguing him for some time, why would she leap in between him and an attack. Before he had always written off her affections as a crush that only existed because he was top of their class or because all the other girls seemed to be after him, but now... Now he didn't know what to think. For all he knew she could have saved his life.

The Uchiha briefly entertained the thought of a relationship, but ultimately had to shoot it down. They were teammates, so getting over-attached emotionally would not be a good thing. Besides, he had to marry some of the outer members of the Uchiha clan to strengthen the bloodline, or at least according to the clan restoration act he did. ...Wait, he could marry whoever he wanted, he just had to... impregnate ...some of the outer members. But could Sakura accept sharing him, even if just physically? And could he truly chance her pink hair not being genetic?

Heh, he was getting too far ahead of himself. With a yawn he slipped back to sleep.

#Twenty-Four Hours Later#

Sasuke was tense, but well rested. There was a feeling in the air that just screamed that something was going to happen today, something bad. But no matter what was about to happen, he knew better than to set foot in the field of death that now surrounded the tree Sakura was resting under.

Apparently the idiot teammate he'd never bothered to learn the name of didn't require sleep and was a trap-building master. It was really too bad Sasuke had accidentally sprung one that inadvertently killed him before his work was complete, but at least his position was defended.

And then the squirrel came. Having faith in his faceless teammate's work for once, he let the squirrel enter the death-zone, where it narrowly evaded a senbon launcher by tearing away from a bit of paper on its back, running back off into the denser flora. And then that bit of paper exploded.

What followed was a chain-reaction that left the area littered with dispensed weapons, craters, logs and razor-wire. Though the devastation spread deep beyond the tree-line and literally flooded the clearing, the tree team 7 had settled under was totally untouched.

"See! I told you the chipmunk was a good idea." A voice rose above the silence, prompting the Uchiha to focus his eyes on his hand as he drew a kunai and tried to hear out the voice's exact location.

"It was a squirrel Zaku, this is a chipmunk. Besides, if he didn't know we were here before, he does now." With the second voice another rodent scampered out and towards the tree, only to be scared off as a barrage of shurikens struck everything in the surrounding area.

"Zaku, Kin, shut up. You gave away our location." An annoyed voice barked out as the barrage ended. A hunched form wearing robes, bandages and a haystack rose up, walking calmly forward. "Idiots." The haystack muttered, glaring down the Konoha-nin with its one visible eye.

"Ah, come on Dozu, he's all alone, what can he do?" A broom-headed shinobi with blackish hair replied, rising up from a little ways off of the first figure. He had much more plain ninja-wear with a gray and green camouflage pattern and tabi on his feet.

"Sigh. I wish sensei was here. He'd know what to make of this guy." A slender kunoichi with extremely long black-hair in a deviantly short-skirted and low-cut battle kimono whined, following her teammates. "It really sucks, eating onigiri with ramen all the time. Do either of you even know what goes with Sharingan?"

Sasuke resignedly took out team 7's scroll, knowing all too well that he couldn't beat these guys in a three on one fight yet and his shurikens obviously weren't enough to scare them off. With a casual flick of his wrist the scroll flew towards the hay-stacked one, who caught it with a lazy gesture. "Here. I give up. Take the scroll and go."

"Tsk tsk tsk, this won't do. Our orders aren't to pass the chunin exam, little leaf-nin, we're here to kill you." The haystack replied, slipping the scroll away in his robes.

"Thanks for the scroll though." The kunoichi added, with a wink, while leaning over a bit to almost allow the Uchiha to look down her kimono.

Instead he stared steely into the haystack's eye, taking a slightly defensive stance.

"The distraction tactic isn't working!" The girl whined suddenly, pouting before switching into sorrow. "I'm not good enough for someone about to die to spare a glance at? But they're growing so well, I'm sure I'm bigger than everyone else my age!" With that she cupped her budding bustline and pushed upwards, nearly making them pop out of her top. The Uchiha seemed to struggle for a moment, but managed not to waver. "I knew it! I'll never be married! Wah!" She fell on her bottom as though her legs collapsed, sobbing uncontrollably.

This time Sasuke did glance over, for a split second, to insure she wasn't actually running through hand-signs or preparing an attack while he willfully ignored her. In that instant the broom-head thrust forth his arms and shouted out "zankuha", firing off a wave of destructive force.

Sasuke kawarimi-ed away in response, blowing out a cluster of fire balls as he reappeared. Broom-head turned quickly and blasted the fire balls with his attack, forcing them to dissipate while haystack leapt forward and swatted at the Uchiha. The leaf genin dodged the blow and immediately kawarimi-ed again before he felt the disorienting effects.

Kin scowled at her teammates once she was standing again. "How could you let him get away after that!" She smacked Zaku's head.

"I liked you more as a tomboy." Zaku muttered, rubbing his abused skull.

"What was that?" Kin clenched one fist threateningly.

"I said I liked it more when you weren't trying to be feminine!" Zaku yelled back.

"Trying! Who's trying? I'll have you know I'm-" The kunoichi started, flipping her hair.

"Zaku, you're loud and an idiot. Kin, you're an idiot and you're overcompensating." Dozu shot down their screaming match suddenly. "We need to finish this first then we can argue over how unattractive Kin is." This earned him a smack to the head too, before they collected themselves and started searching the area.

As Kin stepped towards the shelter Sakura was recovering in, the Uchiha broke his cover, having barely managed to throw off the effects of Dozu's sound gauntlet. He hurled a few kunai, picking up replacements from the weapons embedded everywhere. The display was easily stopped by both Zaku's air cannon and Dozu's arm guard. Sasuke braced himself as the trio approached him, until...

"Dynamic entry!"

A green blur flew in between them, narrowly missing the lead sound ninja as they leapt back.

"Yosh! Sasuke, my most youthful rival, I am sorry for interrupting, but cannot allow these most unyouthful sound ninjas to pursue their most unyouthful actions." Lee shouted striking a nice-guy pose.

Sasuke calmed just a bit, three on two was a lot better odds than three on one. "I guess now's the time for you to show off how much hard work pays off, huh?"

The sound three tensed and subtly shifted into slight stances, preparing for an actual fight. Sasuke ran through some hand-signs and spat out a huge fireball, that all three sound genin easily weaved around, advancing. As they started their counterattack, Lee pried a giant root out of the ground to block the air cannon and ducked under Dozu's swing, nailing him in the chin with his weighted foot to send him flying. As the haystack-wearer was wrapped in bandages and hurtled towards the ground, Sasuke distracted Zaku with a hail of kunai and tiny fireballs, preventing him from saving his teammate.

Kin, however, was also capable of saving Dozu. With a leap at top speed she intercepted Lee's dive and knocked his hold loose, flipping Dozu so he landed on his feet with his opponent. The bandages encircling him then sagged and unraveled for no apparent reason. Lee took a deep breath and stood tall, one arm forward, the other parallel behind him.

"What a fearsome technique. That might have been able to finish me, if you hit something hard enough." Dozu told the leaf genin emotionlessly. "I see we'll have to take you seriously, if that technique didn't even wind you."

"Indeed, it is most surprising. Until just now the primary lotus left me completely exhausted, but now I feel as though I still have energy to burn. It is truly the power of youth!"

Zaku leapt between them, suddenly, fully intent on escaping the ever following flamethrower that was Sasuke Uchiha. He fired off another air cannon in the direction he came from before jumping back again. As the next fireball rushed forward, Dozu stepped in front of Zaku and dispelled it with a wave of his gauntlet. At the same time, Zaku turned his air cannons on Lee and launched a higher powered blast than before.

Lee swayed to the side and charged while Sasuke threw out shurikens tied to razor wire. Dozu blocked with an earthen wall as Zaku created chakra scalpels.

"Hey, guys look what I found in his little hide out." Kin yelled, distracting Zaku, Sasuke and Dozu long enough for Lee to land a solid blow on Zaku's abdomen, sending the Oto-nin flying. Lee then glanced as well, only to stare. Kin was holding the unconscious Sakura by the collar of her dress like a fisherman displaying a prize catch. "Sleeping-beauty here was napping in his little hide out. Playing ninja must have exhausted the poor, little girl." Kin mocked, turning Sakura's head to look at her face. "Look at her! She's even got make-up on, can you believe this? Just what the hell does she think being a kunoichi is about?"

"But Kin, don't you always haul around a..." Zaku slowly righted himself, disoriented. He froze, seeing Kin's shadow fall over his crouched form. He was summarily clobbered as his female teammate used the captured kunoichi as a bludgeon.

"Shut up! That's completely different! Don't even pretend to understand!"

"Idiots..."

"Lee, take Sakura and run." Sasuke whispered, plucking a few kunai from the ground.

"But Sasuke... Even for Sakura-chan, I cannot leave one of my youthful companions behind." Lee countered, neither really paying attention to the distracted sound genin as they argued amongst themselves.

"Seriously Lee. One of us has to get Sakura out of here, and you're faster than I am."

"S, Sasuke... Yosh! Your flames of youth truly blaze brightly. We must spar once this is over."

"Yeah, Lee. But you'd better be ready to fight me for real." Sasuke replied, already accepting that he might die here.

And as they turned to face the Oto-nin again, something weird happened.

First the kunoichi flinched then cradled Sakura delicately, an almost reminiscing look on her face as she gently brushed the girl's hair over one of her ears and gazed at her face. "Stupid forehead." She muttered affectionately.

"Kin what the hell are you... My, my body... I can't move my body..." Zaku muttered, taking a vaguely similar pose of cradling something in his arms, moving like a puppet with knotted strings.

"Damn, a trap." The haystack muttered, eying the tree-line warily. He quickly ran through some hand-signs before leaping aside to escape a massive spherical... thing that crashed through the forest towards him. The sound of a poorly tuned, discordant fiddle started playing from every direction as he hopped around, leading the charge of the ball of... stuff. The non-sound ninja, and Zaku, covered their ears to try and block out the terrible sound of off-key fiddle music, preventing them from noticing where he was leading the ball until.

"Shikamaru!" The sound kunoichi shouted, diving ahead of the ball as it rolled into the undergrowth. She just as quickly reappeared closer to Sasuke and Lee, holding two unconscious kunoichi and a very lazy, pineapple headed shinobi. "Whoa, this is an awesome body. Not as good-looking as mine, of course, but..."

"Troublesome. Just how much longer do you think you can hold it Ino?" The leaf shinobi grumbled, settling onto his own feet.

The kunoichi oh so gently set Sakura down, leaning her in Shikamaru's free arm as he shifted Ino's body to one side.

'Kin' smirked and pointed a thumb at herself. "Relax, it's not like I need it too much longer now, is it?"

"Dammit, where the hell are you leaf genin coming from?" Broom-head spat, rising from where he'd been thrown before the shadow-bind broke.

"Freeze. Make one wrong move and miss scantly-clad gets it." 'Kin' shot back, putting two senbon to her own throat. "Now hand over your scroll and we'll be on our way."

"Tch, fine. Not like we really care about the exam anyway." Zaku muttered back, tossing the scroll in a high, underhanded pass.

While the leaf genin had their eyes locked on the scroll, Zaku brought his hands down and fire off his air cannons, nailing Shikamaru in the chest, easily toppling him and also hitting Lee in the forehead, knocking him out and over backwards.

"What the hell are you-"

"Doing? I think it's pretty obvious, we don't care about the exam, our sole goal is to kill Sasuke. Sacrificing Kin would be quite a loss, but she knew the risks and accepted the mission. Besides, I think you're bluffing, just like the Uchiha." Zaku grinned, proud of himself. "After all those smaller and smaller fire jutsu, he's finally out of chakra, Dozu's probably taken care of that thing from early, so those two shinobi were the only threat. Even with Kin's body you're still only a kunoichi and real kunoichi are too weak to beat me alone."

"What, kunoichi aren't weak you... you..." 'Kin' seethed in righteous feminine fury.

"Oh, Kin's not." Zaku swaggered arrogantly stalking towards Sasuke who glared back but otherwise didn't move. "But like I was saying, **real** kunoichi don't have much chakra and pineapple-head was worried how long you'd hold out for..."

'Kin' shot forward in a blur and was instantly bounced back by a weak air cannon shot. And the fiddle music came back.

Dozu leapt in and narrowly missed the Uchiha again despite his winded condition while Zaku fired off at the trailing orb with full powered air cannons. The sphere shot off and collided with a tree, instantly collapsing into a fa... big-boned ninja.

"About time you got back!" The broom-headed one shouted, firing off weak air cannons at the rapidly improving 'Kin'.

Dozu slammed his gauntlet into Sasuke's ribs and followed up with a kick to the face. All the exhausted and disoriented prodigy could do was try to stagger out of the way. "Idiot. She's being controlled. Knock her out!" To emphasize his point he struck with his metal glove again, this time in his target's stomach, dropping him for the moment.

Zaku nodded and pressed a tiny smoke grenade into one of the wind tunnels in his palms, firing it at her feet. After a quick burst of gas she swayed on her feet and toppled over, asleep.

The blond kunoichi that up until now had been inert groggily sat up and began to draw a kunai. Dozu was already overtaking her though. He gave her a quick, thorough beating, taking care leave her hair and face for Kin to damage when she woke-up. She would need something to take her frustrations out on, and it was better to have a target at the ready. As he finished he tossed her body somewhat near the barely conscious Uchiha. Though he hid it well he was exhausted and very glad that every new arrival was so easily beaten compared to their target. In fact, if he hadn't been so low on chakra when they found him, things might have been different, but as it was...

Dozu grabbed a kunai and stalked towards the taijutsu-user. "Zaku, finish the Uchiha. I'll take care of the other shinobi and we'll leave the kunoichi for Kin to play with."

Zaku shrugged and formed chakra scalpels, walking at a lazy pace.

"Hn. Just more trash I see." Both turned to see yet another Konoha-nin standing on a branch above them, white-eyes glaring balefully at the clearing and the genin in it.

"Wanna repeat that, little girl?" Zaku threatened, lengthening the scalpel blades.

"Idiot, that's a male." Dozu told him, stepping slowly closer to their target.

The white eyed ninja shifted his... her... its gaze across the field to the green-clad shinobi, laying on his back. "Even though he is trash, he is still my teammate. You fools were fated with defeat the moment you chose me as your enemy."

"Neji! Have you found... oh kami, Lee!" Another leaf ninja, this one clearly a girl, alighted to a branch behind the first.

"Damn." Dozu used a quick half-seal to restore the off-tune fiddle music.

Zaku dratted at Sasuke but stopped short as a kunai impacted in front of him. He glanced at the source and saw the newest arrival still in her throwing pose, one hand clamped over her ear. Canceling one scalpel he pointed an arm at her and took more cautious steps, easily knocking her weapons aside using lowest level air cannon shots.

"Kai!" And suddenly the white-eyed one was closing on his position, Dozu trailing after the kuno... the shino... the Hyuga. Zaku canceled his second scalpel to fire off shots to trip up the androgynous ninja while still deflecting weaponry and advancing towards the Uchiha. And then white-eyes frozen and leapt apart from the little fight. "It would seem fate has another end in store for you. Tenten, get Lee."

Then the area was flooded by bright, neon-florescent pink chakra, originating from the until now unconscious kunoichi laying on the pineapple-head's KOed form. She rose, pink glowing marks twisting sinisterly along her exposed skin. At least, as sinisterly as something bright, neon-florescent pink can.

With a "cha!" she was standing over a knocked out Zaku, who didn't even have a chance to react. She crouched before the two semi-conscious Konoha-nin.

"Ino... S, Sasuke-kun... Who... Who did this to you?" The pink-haired girl was almost sobbing, looking at her best friend and love interests' broken and beaten bodies.

"I did."

Sakura turned sharply to come face to face with a guy wearing a haystack. "You... I, I'll... I'll kill you!" She shouted, darting forward faster than the eye could follow, slamming her fist into the guard panels on his gauntlet as he leveled it in a hasty block. He shoved her back and ran through hand-signs as quickly as he could, puffing his chest with air, the pink-haired girl panted and swayed before flying forward in another punch.

And there, struggling to hold the punch back after having caught it, was Kin.

"Dozu... Are we... ?" Kin grunted over her shoulder.

Dozu frowned the nodded, exhaling and canceling his jutsu. "We'll need to retreat for now." He collected Zaku and set out two scrolls before turning to Sasuke's kneeling form. "We'll leave these here if you won't follow us. Kin, come." He leapt off into the tree-line, leaving his kunoichi teammate still locked in a contest of strength.

"Ah, dammit... Dozu, I'll skin you!" She yelled before shoving with all her strength and fleeing as fast as she could.

And the leaf ninjas started recovering.

#Author's Notes#

Wow, I take a last second to review for any mistakes before posting and find twelve. Ha, kind of glad I decided to check.

Rokurokubi - Japanese human-looking monster with extremely long neck. Also not something I imagine one should call one's boss.

Madara - Spot or spots. Yeah, that's right. The main villian in the manga is named Spot. If that doesn't prove the Sharingan is too powerful, I don't know what does. I probably didn't need to translate, since it's a name, but come on, Spot?

Zankuha - I don't know what the hell this actually means. Zaku shouts it whenever he uses his air cannons, so I guess it's the name of them, but I don't actually know.


	4. Dinner And A Show With Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

Chapter Four: Dinner And A Show With Ramen

#Forest Of Death#

Sakura collapsed as her opponent pushed her back and fled, the fearsome and slightly cutesy pink chakra and tattoos retracting from her body into the mark on her neck. She fell on her back, shuttering as the three toma of the curse-seal shifted and twisted into a strange caricature of a flower petal overshadowing a pale, shadowy replica of itself. She latched her hand onto it, thrashing on the ground and screaming as the symbol finalized its form and burned hot pink.

As she passed out, inner-Sakura gave an exhausted, satisfied sigh and muttered "like I'd let anyone but Sasuke-kun tell us what to do. Cha!"

The last thing she saw before blacking out was Sasuke-kun's worried face, watching over her.

"Sakura!" Sasuke Uchiha assessed his teammate's condition, making sure she was pretty much okay before cradling her and lifting her up, bridal style.

"Is forehead okay?" Ino quietly asked, managing to stumble to her feet.

"Yeah... She took a hit that was... I was suppose to..." Sasuke shook his head to clear it. "She got hurt by a biting attack that was meant for me. Combined with what they said," he tilted his head towards where the Oto-nin had disappeared. "I think someone either hired assassins or put a bounty on me."

"Sasuke-kun, that's terrible." Ino whined, fawning behind him.

"Let's just hope the poison from the bite was something meant to disrupt my Sharingan. Then Sakura should be just fine."

"And if not?"

"... We need to get to the tower as soon as possible. They'll be able to help her there."

"Right!"

Sasuke gave a rueful laugh. "So your team's coming with us?"

Ino pouted before smirking. "Like I'd let forehead keep you all to herself the whole time."

"We'd better make camp then." A third, unremarkable voice said, as a bland, nondescript genin wearing a leaf headband walked into the clearing, promptly tripping on some razor wire and impaling himself on the scattered kunai.

#Jounin Lounge, Tower Of Death#

Naruto was twitchy. It had been nearly a week since he'd cooked something now, yet he was surrounded by chakra laden beings. The sweat poured from his body as he glanced furiously around the room, mentally marking down what recipe he'd use on each of the mouth-watering jounin crammed into the room, waiting for their teams to arrive.

It wasn't right.

It was so cruel.

It was the worse torture he'd faced in his entire life!

His nose ached from straining to smell the scent of another masterpiece being prepared, his ears strained to hear the gentle burn his skillet made when chakra was poured into it, his fingers clenched irregularly from the need to pick up his knife, or at least some seasoning! His eyes, his storming purple eyes, darted, crazed, across the narrow space, waiting for a chance to sneak away with someone tasty. The Mizu guy with a rapier looked like he'd been delicious with a little rice, cucumber, curry and ramen. And that Uzu-nin was begging to be diced up, mixed with plum sauce and slow-cooked with a side of ramen. And the Suna shinobi...

"You're a little jumpy, aren't you?" The silver-haired barnacle asked from where it sat beside him, reading its porn-mag and carefully monitoring his every movement.

Naruto knew what he had to do. He slid closer to the shinobi to hide their conversation. If this damn... thing was going to stick to him all the time, he'd make use of it. He slowly pulled out a paring knife and held it carefully. "So... hey, you... you don't need all your fingers right?"

The cling-on glanced at him, making eye contact for the first time in three days. The cyclopes shuddered and edged away.

Naruto pursued. "Come on, I've got to cook something! You can even have all of it! Just give me your pinkie. You don't need your pinkies."

Showing almost no distress, the silver-haired jounin rose and took a few even steps away.

"Okay, okay... How about your toes? You don't need your toes for jutsu."

And with a poof the jounin was gone, a wooden stump taking his place, complete with a little face-mask and leaf hitai-ate. Naruto stared at the log, resisting the urge to turn around and tempt himself into sautte-ing someone just to get the edge off. How do these people stand being around each other like this? With a swat of his paring knife the log exploded into splintered kindling.

"Well now, you must be something special to scare off Sharingan-Kakashi. Mind telling me what you told him?" The Kusa-kunoichi plastered herself to his back.

He trembled, barely suppressing himself. Grasping for something to distract himself, he focused on the feel of her breasts pressed against his back.

...

...And now he tried thinking of a complete list of possible hand-signs to distract himself from another... rising problem.

Her giggling with her lips against his ear didn't help.

#Tower Of Death#

And the two scrolls flipped open, releasing a plume of ninja-smoke that revealed the Kusa team's jounin-sensei as she toppled over forward. Her team of genin gawked instead of fleeing as her enraged face slowly turned to meet them.

The resulting violence reduced the room to a chamber of twisted metal.

#Jounin Lounge#

Naruto sighed in relief and relaxed a little, glad that the two horrible, large, soft things distracting him were gone. Now he just had to calm down and...

#Tower Of Death#

"Naruto-sensei!"

...hope that an ecstatic Kin didn't latch onto his front and nuzzle vigorously.

"So you finished up already huh? Find anything good?" He was really hoping to get Kin away from him right about now, he'd seen what women did to men in his, ah... condition and it wasn't very nice. Her thigh brushed against his, er... self, and she froze. Naruto started sweating, waiting for the cry of self-righteous feminine fury and preparing an escape, just in case. He did not expect what he did get in the least.

Kin felt something brush against her leg after she glomped onto her sensei. She instantly froze, turned bright red and schooled her features suppressing the overjoyed cry that threaten to tear from her throat. Sensei did think she was attractive! Since he was approximately as tall as she was, about an inch taller than her, really, Kin had no trouble looping one of her legs between his and pressing her inner thigh against, uh... it, while still nuzzling his neck to keep her teammates from seeing her blush. She basked, all her effort to reach this point suddenly worth it.

Dozu coughed into his free hand, wondering what his sensei and teammate had flinched over. "We found some sukiyaki, but it wasn't very good."

"They were stir-fry." Zaku groaned from his half-conscious position on the floor.

"They were dumplings." Kin whispered in a husky, seductive tone before lowering her head against Naruto's neck again, shifting her leg distractingly, just like the young kunoichi's guide to seduction and romance advised. Now if only she had some lipstick or perfume to mark him with.

"They flat out said they weren't stir-fry!" Dozu shouted at Zaku's already-asleep-again body.

The sound of coughing caught the group's attention. They turned.

"Ew, living sickness." Naruto commented upon sighting a sickly looking jounin.

"Sensei?" Kin subtly applied more pressure.

"It's a kekkei genkai that makes the user permanently ill, yet incapable of catching anything worse than an endless head cold. It also kills anyone they bleed on." The chef answered as quickly as he could, certain that the all-too-pleasant pressure increase from Kin's inner thigh as it ever so slightly rubbed against his, uh... pants, was suppose to be a veiled threat. Unfortunately it felt good and only made it harder... to uh, focus on things that would make the problem... shrink.

Yeah, like puzzling out what that odd, soft feeling against his right arm was. Hmm, well, Kin was currently nuzzling his neck from the right side so... Naruto stiffened and twitched. A quick glance confirmed his suspicion. Oh my, when had Kin's, er... when had Kin grown so... large?

In the meantime the kunoichi felt her sensei stiffen and twitch, in more than one way. How could she not when she was plastered to his body? Interpreting it an almost entirely wrong way she tried to snuggle closer still when a cough interrupted her fantasizing.

Without detaching from her glomp-victim she turned from her nuzzling and glared at the jounin, leveling as much killing intent as she could muster.

But even a super-genin was still a genin for a reason, and the ghastly looking man shrugged it off as barely noticeable. "If you will all follow me, we are ready to begin the third round." And then coughed repeatedly into his hand as he walked away.

Dozu smacked Zaku and lead his woozy teammate after the jounin while Kin unhappily uncurled herself from her sensei's side, with a whisper of "let's continue later" that took all of her courage to suggest before following after her teammates. Naruto watched her hips and the hem of her oh-so-short kimono hoping for a peek of... something. A second later he had bashed himself in the head, cursed himself for the images (that weren't entirely unwelcome, but were entirely inappropriate) and came to a shocking realization, Kin had done all this to him on purpose! That meant Kin was a pervert! But what was a man suppose to do when confronted by perverts advancing on them? Wait! The Kusa-nin! She was also a pervert! Naruto shook slightly, he had never realized it before but, ...women were perverts! That meant he had to... to... Actually, he wanted to continue too... Which could only mean... He was a pervert!

Naruto calmed himself, calling up all the knowledge Zetsu-nii-chan and Orochimaru-datesha had ever presented him about mating. Lets see...

- If you are a pervert you will never reach your full potential. Orochi-datesha was pretty clear on that.

- Mating makes children. He was sure Zetsu-nii-chan mentioned it once.

- Mating involved releasing pollen... or spores, he couldn't remember. This meant it probably involved bees too, and there was something about birds, right?

- If you are playing with you food, mating should not be part of that playing. Though nii-chan never did say why.

- Mating apparently shouldn't be based off of chakra reserves. Orochi-datesha was quite adamant on that point when he first joined sound almost as though he was trying to cover up some kind of mistake.

- Bloodlines make potential mates more attractive. Since it made food taste better, Orochi-datesha was probably right.

- Women will likely freak out and hit you if you mention or display a desire for mating, while shouting pervert. Neither Orochi-datesha or Zetsu-nii-chan mentioned this, but he'd seen it often enough personally to know.

Thumbing through all of this, he couldn't find anything explicitly wrong. Even with the new findings filed in there wasn't much cause for concern. After all, full potential was overrated.

With a shrug the super-chef walked after his pupils, entering a large metal arena just as a shriveled old man in a funny hat finished a speech about doing their best for their villages. Seeing that the Kusa-jounin had already reserved a spot near one end of the visiting sides' catwalk, he chose the opposite end, putting himself between the Suna team and the stairs. He was also, coincidently, directly across from the red-eyed Konoha-nin and her team. He waved pleasantly and she leapt back reflexively, acting vaguely like a cornered animal when her back hit the wall.

"Sensei." Dozu said calmly as the team moved into position around him. "If it is alright, may we have a quick meal before and between our fights?"

Naruto grinned, pulling out one of his storage scrolls. "Why not?"

With a plume of smoke the four were seated around a modest spread of mercenary-based meals. Each grabbed some chopsticks and a dish. "Itadakimasu!" The four choired cheerfully as they dug in.

This got quite a few reactions among those present.

Baki, for one, started muttering about sending incompetents to do such important work.

The Kusa jounin, for another, smirked at what must obviously be an intimidation tactic, pretending to be so relaxed in front of their competition as to actually sit down and have a meal. To up the ante the purple-haired young woman pulled out a beer and noisy chugged it, ending with a loud 'ahh!' just like she did every morning.

The Hokage, interestingly enough, paused from beginning the match-ups to examine the Oto jounin more closely, looking for something familiar. Finding nothing he resumed his focus on the matches.

Kakashi glanced up from his book, Icha Icha Star, for a few seconds to examine the Oto team eating.

Sakura shuttered, thinking about how horrible it was that those genin had been tricked into eating... that.

For Sasuke the pieces flew together, the comments about stir-fry and what went with Sharingan, the horrific power and inexhaustible chakra the three wielded and even the comment about sensei would know what to make of him. He shivered slightly, fully realizing just what they had intended for him. He cast a grateful glance to Sakura for saving him from such a fate.

Kurenai, pressed against the wall as closely as was physically possible, stared on in muted horror, her mind partially shut down from watching, and denying, the sick and evil act of subverting genin into eating... she fell unconscious before completing that thought.

Chouji absently licked his lips and wondered what they were having.

And Hinata, poor, weak, unmotivated, purposeless Hinata gazed on in wonder at the... magnificence across from her. That fiery orange hair, those expressive purple eyes, the deeply etched and wild looking marks seemingly gashed into his cheeks... The cute little fangs peeking out from the corners of his mouth... He... he was... so beautiful... With a bright red blush her eyes darted to the floor, finding her feet incredibly interesting for some reason. Somewhere within her demure and meek frame a powerful urge stirred, telling her that she had to have it, she had to have... him... She shuttered, basking in the warm glow of suddenly finding a drive to live for and by. She would have him! Nothing would be allowed to stop her from expressing her new found purpose. Nothing.

And Orochimaru, concealed in an unused chamber, pouted, wondering where Kabuto was. Time had to be up by now, yet he hadn't shown up with his report yet. Not only that, he was about to miss the fights! He wanted to see how Sasuke-kun did dammit!

#Preliminaries#

#Round 1: Sasuke Vs. Shino#

"Will Sasuke Uchiha (cough) and Shino (cough) Aburame please enter the arena." The sickly Konoha jounin coughed out, reading the names off of a handy electronic display.

The two genin walked calmly to the center of the room, tension slowly building as they turned to face each other. Both appeared totally impassive as they stared at one another from a distance of but a few feet, easily close enough for even a genin to theoretically kill a man before he blinked. A cloud of insects grew and buzzed behind the stoic Shino as Sasuke ran the handsigns of all the fire jutsu he knew through his mind.

"Be(cough)gin."

The cloud of insects immediately slammed forward in a wave, missing the Uchiha as he leapt into the air, spewing a continuous flame beneath him in a circle. By the time he landed the bugs were little more than charred shells and ashes under his tabi, his opponent backed up towards the stairs from the heat.

"Shino, you know this is practically a mismatch. An Uchiha against an insect user?" Sasuke shook his head slowly, his eyes not leaving his opponent's coat, seeking any possible sign of more kakai being called upon. "I don't want to damage your colony or limit any training you can give your teammates before the real finals, so I'll give you this one chance to forfeit."

The Aburame considered the other ninja. It was a bad match up, true, the only possible worst one being a water user as an opponent. Sasuke didn't even have his Sharingan on, whether from a lack of chakra or from not wanting to reveal it to the foreign nin present. He had known that winning against an Uchiha, who universally possessed fire-affinities and easily learned those kind of jutsu even without a Sharingan, was basically hopeless for him. As the Uchiha clan heir chose to be polite about it, well it would be rude to reject the offer and force Sasuke to reveal even more skills for his future opposition to witness. Besides, that first skirmish reduced what colony he had left from the forest by over a third.

Shino nodded once and stepped back onto the stairs to stand with his team.

The referee watched for a moment before announcing: "Winner, Uchiha Sasu(cough)ke."

"Man, what a rip off!" Kankuro shouted. "That was pathetic, can't you leaf-nin even put up real fights before giving up?"

"Aniki." His red-haired brother muttered in exasperation.

"What, it really was pathetic, right Temari."

The blond sighed and turned away from him.

"Ah come on, we're family, we're suppose to support each other!"

Chopsticks neatly impaled the railing in the gap between his thumbs and hands. "We're trying to enjoy dinner and a show over here, so shut up!" The sound kunoichi roared, pulling out a new set of chop sticks and snagging a bowl of ramen out from under Zaku's fingers.

Kankuro and Zaku both growled and glared but didn't make say anything.

#Round 2: Dozu Vs. Shinji#

"Will Dozu Kinuta and Shinji Ikari (cough) please enter the (cough) ring." The referee asked, which was completely unnecessary thanks to the enormous electronic board displaying their names.

Dozu casually withdrew the ramen and chop sticks into his sleeves before lazily back flipping into the ring and finishing his meal.

"And remember baka, if you lose I'll never speak to you again!" The angry, red-haired Kusa-nin shouted at her teammate, flinging him over the railing towards the floor. The only male grass ninja present landed in an acceptable, if clumsy roll, ending on his feet.

Dozu almost felt bad him, he knew what having a pushy, irate, super strong kunoichi as a teammate was like. The guy was muttering "mustn't run away" at light speed under his breath by the time the referee let them start.

Feeling an upwelling of pity that was almost alien to him, the Oto-nin did a dozen quick half hand-signs after tucking his chopsticks back into his sleeve as his opponent started chanting his theme, creating a genjutsu to show him his greatest fear and end the match with as little pain as possible. He then tossed the empty bowl aside and slid the bandages around his lips closed before pulling his mask back up.

Instead of screaming in terror, as Dozu expected, the grass genin started rapidly clenching his hand into a fist and kept up his chant until it became an underlying, indecipherable room tone. A feeling of dread built in the sound nin as he started another chain of hand-signs.

Suddenly the chanting stopped, immediately being replaced by a roar as Shinji's head arched back, throwing out a massive wave of chakra and killing intent that washed through the room.

Dozu wavered just a bit as some of the other genin on the catwalk above flinched and nearly collapsed under the oppressive display. He managed not to screw up his seals, however, so there was no need not to press his attack. With a drawn breath he spewed a distortion from his lips across the space between him and his opponent.

The Kusa-nin dipped animalistically to the side, landing on all fours in a spidery stance, limbs splayed wide and body low to the ground, before roaring specifically at Dozu, eyes narrowed in a savage glare.

The berserker leapt and Dozu knew instantly that he had to evade and oddly, exactly how he had to move to do so. Questioning this new instinct only in the slightest, he rolled to one side, slid forward and raised his arm guard as he felt he should, already running though more hand-signs before he got to his feet.

Shinji's attack had left a hole punched through the floor and in an enraged fit, he retched part of the metal from the ground with his arm, flinging it against the sound-nin's guard scant seconds after it had been raised. Not even noticing his attack had no effect the boy was already charging again before the ricocheted metal hit the floor.

Dozu cursed as his new instinct told him to dodge just so, in such a way that he'd lose the jutsu he was about to complete. Deciding his way was better, he ignored the feeling and moved to block the clawed hand his attacker was leading with. He was naturally horrified when his favorite gauntlet was rendered twisted scrap around his arm even as another hand dove for his abdomen. He released the hasty, underpowered sound blast in his opponent's face, trying to drive the berserker back while leaning to the side as the second strike glanced his ribs, energy slicing cleanly through his clothes and skin, likely cracking a bone. If a single blow did that...

Diving away from the disoriented and none to happy Kusa-nin he shouted a simple, dignified "I forfeit" and jumped easily back onto the railing beside the rest of his team.

The berserker howled as he sprang after the Oto-nin, falling on his face as the Kusa jounin cried out a suggestive "oh, Shin-kun" from the other end of the platform. When Shinji stood back up he had both a nosebleed and the frightened persona he had before the fight started.

There was silence as everyone recovered from the display.

#Round 3: Ino Vs. Kankuro#

"(cough) Will Ino Yamanaka and Kankuro no (cough) Sabaku please enter (cough) the combat area." The weasing leaf shinobi called out redundantly despite the electronic display already showing who was up.

"Ah man, I've gotta fight a girl? This'll be too easy." The puppeteer unwisely whined, tripping to fall onto his back as several intense killing intents popped into existence around the room, most notably directly behind him. A sharp kick from Temari threw him into the ring where his glowering enemy was already crouched to spring on him.

"Begin."

Before Kankuro even had a chance to scramble to his feet he was struck with the signature Yamanaka jutsu. Everything sat perfectly still and unmoving as Ino collapsed to the floor.

For her part, the leaf kunoichi was panicking. She'd used her jutsu perfectly right? And he hadn't dodged or anything so why the hell was she bound up and unable to move her limbs? Why was everything so dark and what was that weight on top of her? Had he trapped her somehow? She wiggled and thrashed as best she was able, worse and worse vision of the fate about to befall her running through her head until she finally broke the jutsu, hoping nothing terrible was being done to her body.

The leaf jounin watched, fascinated as absolutely nothing seemed to happen. Of course, knowing what the Yamanaka clan jutsu did and which were most likely accessible to a genin, they were in actuality trying to puzzle out why the jutsu seemed to fail, but still knock out both combatants. By the time Ino shuddered and rose back to her feet they had figured out exactly nothing and were quite interested in whatever was going to happen next.

Kankuro slid to his feet with far more grace then someone who just regained consciousness should be capable of and simply lowered the wrapped object on his back to the floor, not particularly aware of what had happened but still confident. With a smirk he set the object to rest on its side. "I don't know what that was, but you're going down, girlie. And I won't even need to use this to do it." With that he bound straight at her in a totally reckless move that anyone could counter.

Unlike a certain nondescript genin on team 7, Ino was in fact an anyone as well as a someone and an everyone. So it was something of a given that she met his charge by stabbing at him with a kunai.

It was a surprise, however, when Kankuro simply took the stabbing in the chest as though it was nothing and clocked the girl with an overpowering blow to her stomach, knocking her out. He then collected his bundle as medic-nins collected the girl and stepped back up to stand by his siblings, supremely proud of having kept absolutely all of his abilities a secret. And then the medic-nin informed him that they needed to remove the kunai he had forgotten about. With a nervous laugh he plucked it out and handed it to them, feeling quite stupid.

The medic frowned, but walked away without saying anything else.

#Round 4: Sakura Vs. Vivi#

"Will Sakura Haruno and Vivi Orunitia please enter the (cough) (cough) (cough) designated battle region." A certain afflicted leaf jounin said, blankly repeating what he saw displayed on the big electronic board everyone else could read perfectly well on their own, thank you very much. Minus Kurenai, who didn't count as she couldn't hear either while still unconscious.

On one side a pinkette stepped unevenly down to enter the combat area, one hand placed on her neck as her face was scrunched into a pained grimace. On the other, a tiny figure in blue walked clumsily to meet her, an oversized steeple hat with a hand band wrapped around it sitting over his glowing yellow eyes within the otherwise impenetrable shadow of his hat.

"Begin."

Sakura, despite her pain, was going to win this! Sasuke had managed to beat Shino so she had to beat this kid to have any hope of catching his attention in the finals, besides she had to avenge Ino, that Suna-nin would pay for hurting her and for suggesting kunoichi were weak! Unfortunately her chakra was warped and muddy from the seal on her neck and every attempt to use it just caused her pain, so she'd have to be careful, she'd need to get in close and...

While the leaf kunoichi was thinking, her advisory was doing what had been instinctively drilled into him, running for cover while flipping through the hand-signs of a wide-area offensive ninjutsu. One did not survive on the same team as Ryouga Habiki, or the training from Edward Elric, without getting a very deep appreciation of why close range battles should be avoided.

The thundara crashed into the girl, spilling over and through her into the surrounding metal in a spectacular flash of yellow energy.

There was a moment of stunned silence before Sasuke leapt down beside his unconscious teammate, following as the medic-nin carried her off.

#Round 5: Kin Vs. Kiba#

"Will (cough)..." Before the poor, half-dead jounin finished his first cough both genin had already landed in the ring. Hayate took a moment to look between the two, irritated by their rudeness. "Begin."

The white-coated mongrel was flying forward in an elbow strike as the first syllable was pronounced, only find himself flying backwards by the time the second syllable ended.

That really hurt. "Heh, you hit pretty hard. But don't I'm done just yet!" Oh yeah, bruised rib. This girl was gonna be trouble, Kiba mused, nearly intimidated. "Ready Akamaru?"

"You talk too much."

And the wall he had been standing in front of exploded as he dove to the side. He glanced back, staring in wonder at the sound kunoichi whose foot was raised in a kick over the center of the crater. His nose bled, just the slightest of trickles, but more than enough to condemn him.

Quicker than even the Sharingan could follow, Kin had her legs clamped back together, hands pulling the front of her skimpily short kimono down over her thighs. Her tear-filled eyes met his, instantly paralyzing him with a sense of shame and guilt.

"You saw... Didn't you?" She sobbed, subtly drawing out senbon in both hands. "Only Naruto-sensei was suppose to see."

"No, no, I didn't see anything orange, nothing at all!"

Above them Zaku turned to Dozu. "Orange?"

Dozu nodded. "Sensei's favorite color. All her underwear's like that. Idiot."

"How do you... Oh, right, her stupid kowaku-ken. Is that what's she doing to him?"

"Looks dumb enough to fall for it."

Kiba learned that maybe, just maybe, revealing a color while denying having seen something of that color was not a wise course of action. There was a sudden agony as eight senbon bloomed from his skin at roughly the same time his head was smashed by the heel of a ninja tabi, giving him another glimpse of the cursed bit of orange fabric resting between pale thighs. Fortunately, the resulting nosebleed geysered out with enough force to cushion the impact with the metal floor, keeping him conscious. Unfortunately, it also seemed to piss her off and kept him conscious.

"Stop looking!" Kin wailed, giving another unfortunate glimpse while rearing back her leg in preparation of smashing her foot into his head. Now really, he should be able to dodge such an obvious attack. All he had to do was stop staring and- Impact.

The spiraling nosebleed left the dog ninja dizzy, but put just enough distance for him to try and counter before she was on him again. Damn, none of the girls he sparred with fought like this! That last blow felt like it broke his arm. "Akamaru!" He shouted, flicking a pill at his partner while trying not to look directly at his distracting antagonist lest he befall her... whatever it was she was doing him. He pulled out a second pill for himself, tossing it in his mouth.

"Hmm. What's this thing suppose to be?"

Only to spit out the shards as the Oto-nin lazily crunched the pill he'd thrown for his dog between her own teeth.

"Eh?" Her breasts ballooned slightly and threatened to spill from her top. With a battle cry of 'hentai!' the distraught girl smashed her opponent's head with her foot, shattering his headband into fragments of metal that slid past his face. He keeled over in a heap as her tabi withdrew. Akamaru made a displeased growl as he followed the stretcher his master was placed upon.

Kin absently smirked and glanced down, feeling her crossed arms squeeze her new assets. Sensei wouldn't be able to resist her now.

#Round 6: Zaku Vs. Neji#

"(cough) W..." The two shinobi landed gracefully, both grimly facing one another. "Begin."

"I see you came this far. Not bad for being mere trash. But know this, victory is beyond your meager powers. Your loss is predestined." The arrogant Hyuga declared with a haughty air, veins around those pale eyes throbbing visibly through his skin.

"Uh, hmm... I still can't really tell. Are you a guy or a girl?" Zaku asked nonchalantly, arms raised to fire.

The Hyuga scowled and dove forward, evading both shots and tapping various points on her... his... uh, the opposing nin's arms in rapid session. "Your tenketsu have been blocked. Your chakra is lost to you, as is this fight. Be gone." The Hyuga turned away in a fit of condescension, believing this to be finished.

"Wait." Zaku willed his arms to move, willed them to fire, willed them to form chakra scalpels or just do... anything! Before his frustration could mount into a tragic flashback that runs on far too long for a character as minor and expendable as he was meant to be, his arms burned with new power. And his forehead and scalp itched, but that was besides the point. With a burst of this strange new, burning pain, his arms moved under his command once more, surging with rerouted chakra as his coils were reformatted.

Orochimaru paused on the threshold of the room, disguised as a simple medic-nin having finally tired of waiting for Kabuto to show up. Something told him he was doing an extremely rude thing, like barging in at a moment of high tension, effectively rending himself into an almost humorous comic relief plot device. But that was silly, he was an S-class nuke-nin from Konohagakure and none of those could ever be considered as comic relief.

Far in the depths of Uzugakure, a one-eyed Sharingan user in an orange mask sneezed, as did his fellow one-eyed Sharingan user wearing a cloak covered in red clouds some miles away.

With a sudden desperate shove his arms exploded, literally, launching the now useless tubes that once gave him the zankuha out to impale the androgynous Konoha-nin twice. Zaku, however, ignored that little fact in favor of staring at the white, bone-like projections now sticking from his shoulders and arms in long, curved forms. The jagged, sharp ends looked excessively dangerous to his ninja-trained eyes and, more importantly, familiar.

Where had he seen... Holy crap, this was the Shikotsumyaku! When did he get the Shikotsumyaku? How do you spell Shikotsumyaku? At least that explained why they were bone-like.

Dammit this was weird, how did Kimimaro pull these stupid things back into his arm? Maybe if he applied a little chakra...

The bones shot from his flesh in every direction, scattering around the combat area. A few impaling his collapsed enemy, the rest just kind of clattering to the floor harmlessly after arching into the air. It wasn't quite the effect he wanted, but he could live with it. Now he'd take down that damn cross dressing kunoichi! Oh, he already had. Hurray!

Orochimaru stood stunned. His experiment was a success? But every test, every effort to prove it had succeed showed it to be a failure, the clan markers, specific activation attempts, hell, even the DNA tests... But wait. His head swiveled so fast an ordinary human spine would crumble from the friction. What about the other two failures?

Dozu showed no visible changes, but then he didn't really expect to see facial markings through the mummifying layers of bandages wrapped over his face. Kin however, now definitely had the traits expected from a success of that particular bloodline. Why is it so many bloodlines tied in with enlarged breasts, he wondered. The Hyuga were far and away the most obvious example, given their number and the fact that they have to start wearing bras somewhere around the age of eight, but that was more early development tying into always having the ability awakened. Kin's would be the most obvious if more than a single member of the bloodline still existed. Well, more than two, now, he mused.

Before he could think on it any further another man dressed as a Konoha medical ninja grabbed him. "Come on, we've got to hurry! Oh kami, this is bad. Do you know what the Hyuga are going to do if we can't save their prodigy?"

Kami-dammit! If he wanted to keep his cover, he'd need to help heal this useless brat with impeccably perfect hair! He wanted to see Sasuke's match dammit! But wait, if the past failure could be turned into successes, then maybe an artificial Byakugan could develop into a working Sharingan. He'd just have to figure out how Naruto did it and how kekkei genkai evolved. Mellowed, he assisted the med-nin, waiting for a chance to get some blood or more... direct samples of DNA. Hmm, he'd have to keep it a secret from Sasuke when the time came. Huh, should a Hyuga's eyes be pink like that?

He cried upon learning that Sasuke's match was long over when he met him in the medical bay.

#Round 7: Gaara Vs. Shikamaru#

"Oh you're dead pineapple! Dead! You hear me?"

"Aniki..." The redheaded boy said embarrassedly as he floated to the floor below.

The Nara wandered down at his own, lazy pace, ignoring the puppeteer, but sweating slightly under the gazes of Shino and Hinata. They looked at him with something akin to mourning in their eyes and that did not bode well at all, given how blank Hinata's eyes were suppose to look and how completely hidden behind sunglasses Shino's always looked. Wait there was something wrong in that thought. Something very wrong... Ah well, he'd just forfeit the instant things required more effort than moving slightly. Staring at his opponent, he couldn't help but feel that the boy was harmless. The kind eyes and happy grin did little to dissuade him of that thought. Hell, the kid just looked too nice to be a ninja, which could only mean he was being deceived somehow.

"Begin."

Immediately Shikamaru's shadow lanced forward, joining with the Suna-nin's and freezing him with one arm raised, poised to direct the similarly frozen wall of sand that materialized out of nowhere. The Nara sighed, damn, that attack looked really powerful and dangerous. Good thing the kid didn't try to evade his shadow. At all.

"I... I can't move..." Gaara said slowly, a bit of awe in his voice. "How'd you do that?"

Shikamaru sigh. Now what? Noting the Suna-nin carried no weapons, he reached for his own kunai and hurled a few directly in front of him, watching dispassionately as the kid imitated his movements.

Between the two a bit of the sand that had suddenly appeared shifted up into brief, short pillars, knocking the blades aside in mid-air. Troublesome. Very troublesome.

"That won't work. Oneechan says it's an absolute defense and nothing can get through it. Good try though. You might want to give up now."

Dammit the brat was insufferably cute. Any ninja not as thoroughly lazy as Shikamaru would have just given up on the spot, but knowing how his mother would react to him forfeiting now... Ick, chores.

He took a few steps backwards, checking to see how far he was from the wall compared to Gaara. Deciding it was enough, he put his plan into action and leaned back quickly.

"Ow. Huh, so sand cushioning you from another solid object doesn't really work if you're the moving object. Who'd have thought?"

Scowling, Shikamaru leaned forward again, most assuredly unhappy that the kid could still talk. He shifted to lean back faster this time.

"OW. Can't you come up with a better attack than that?"

There was a crack in the kid's forehead, but otherwise he was apparently fine. Talk about annoying.

"OUCH! That stings. Couldn't you just use your shadow to knock me out instead?"

Hmm. More cracks were appearing. Why wouldn't the kid just pass out already?

"OW!" Sweet, merciful silence. He had succeeded. "You're just going to keep doing this until I pass out or give up aren't you."

Sigh. Dammit. A flake of something fell from the kid's skin, revealing undamaged skin beneath it.

"OW! Alright, alright fine. You don't have to be such a jerk you know. Proctor, I forfeit."

Temari palmed her face. It figured that without either herself or Kankuro in danger Gaara wouldn't try very hard. At times like this she wished he had learned to like violence a little more, this was just embarrassing. Fortunately no one here knew that he was their secret weapon. Now that would be a real embarrassment.

#Round 8: Lee Vs. Rei#

"Yosh! My flames of youth are burning most brightly! I am sorry, fair Kusa-nin, but you are most certainly going to be defeated!" The loud mini-green beast shouted excitedly, jumping down in a flashy and graceful manner that probably wasted tons of energy.

In direct contrast, the pale, blue haired girl he was to fight was only halfway to the steps leading down and her every movement was measured and relaxed. "Do not concern yourself with it." She softly uttered, unheard by anyone in the room other than the ninja from Amegakure. "I will be down shortly."

For an unexplained reason all three rain genin immediately dog piled their jounin sensei, one of them clamping both hands over his mouth.

After a few minutes the pale blue-haired girl was finally standing across from the blazing form of Rock Lee, red eyes meeting glassy black.

"Begin."

"Youth!" Lee shouted, dipping sharply to kick upwards at Rei's chin. The pale girl barely reacted, her eyes tracing an afterimage down to where her enemy crouched.

Strangely, Lee's foot recoiled off of a flashing octagon of orange energy with no explanation or preamble, the kunoichi ignoring the entire phenomenon in favor of a half dozen hand-signs dozen in rapid, precise succession.

The leaf genin hit the floor snoring before he could riposte.

"Do not concern yourself. It is a powerful, but harmless sleep genjutsu." The girl explained to the true green beast of Konoha as he appeared over his fallen student.

"That's impossible, Lee's body produces so little chakra that it can't spare a single drop, making genjutsu slip off him without any effect at all." Gai declared loudly.

"Yet it has clearly worked." The Kusa-nin noted, already on the steps leading up to the visitor's platform.

Scowling, Gai collected Lee's unconscious body and charged towards the medical bay.

#Round 9: Hotcha Vs. Temari#

"(cough). Will Hotcha Happosai and Temari no Sabaku (cough) please enter the fighting zone. (cough)." Hayate was somewhat pleased at finally being able to do his job of reading and repeating whatever a computer display says once more. "Begin."

Temari smirked confidently, resting her fan on the floor and making a 'come here' gesture with her off hand.

The short Ame-nin grinned back and gave off a battle cry of "sweeto!" before hopping in place, somehow completely turning around without appearing to actually move.

Temari blinked, somewhat unsure of what had just happened. Shrugging it off she whipped open her fan, throwing out a gust that sent the gnome-sized shinobi sprawling. She was going to brag about how three moons would appear on her fan and when the third one did her opponent was finished, but even after falling over the Ame-nin ignored her. Damn, she had wanted to hand out incorrect information about her abilities for the finals. And why did she suddenly feel tired?

Unconcerned the kunoichi bounded forward, swiping out with her fan as a bludgeon. The tiny Ame-nin dodged careless, displaying far more interest in some bit of fabric grasped in his minute clutches. She lashed out again, and was again narrowly avoided without apparent notice. Why did that scrap of cloth look familiar?

Temari found herself panting from exertion. Something was wrong here, it was like her chakra was leaking out. Her gnome of an enemy finally finished rubbing the clutched fabric in odd places and casually placed it on his head. Oh. Hell. No. That was not what she thought it was. Meeting her opponent's eye as he leered she knew that it was.

"Hentai!" She screamed, fling out her most powerful attack at the panty-thief who dared to wear her underwear as a hat.

"Sweeto!" The pervert called back, slipping past her before her attack was released.

The breeze caused by his sudden appearance behind her left no doubt that he had, in fact stolen what she thought he stole as it wasn't that drafty in here moments ago. The fact that he was now cuddling a matching bra made her see red even as her strength flagged and failed on her.

"Heh heh. And the elders said underwear wasn't nearly personal enough to drain from effectively. Ha, I will be the greatest super pervert in history now! Take that Jiraiya!" The diminutive ninja cried as Temari fell to her knees, her chakra almost completely gone. Happosai didn't even bat an eye at the immense, crushing killing intent emitted by nearly every female in the room. The two exceptions were the red-eyed kunoichi, one was simply too socially stunted to care, the other, still fainted.

For her part, Kin was relieved she hadn't been the one fighting him. Showing off a glance of something here and a flash there to distract someone was fine and made them less likely to defend from her attacks while in righteous feminine fury mode. Having her unmentionables stolen would negate her entire fighting style, since nobody, and she meant capital N Nobody, was going to actually see anything other than her sensei. Hmm. Was she becoming a bit of an exhibitionist?

Gaara rode down on a cloud of sand to collect his by now weak as a kitten sister, more than a little distressed by what her enemy had done to her. His sand loomed ominously as his eyes shone a distorted shape of amber and black, leaking a dark, inhuman chakra. "Give those back."

Intimidated, the pervert tossed the garments back, fleeing the arena.

"Gaara." Temari whispered raspingly.

"Yes oneechan?"

"Burn them." The Suna kunoichi shudder as they rose to the catwalk above. This was by far the most humiliating defeat she had ever heard of. She vowed, silently, that Happosai would pay. A vow her brothers both silently committed to alongside nearly every kunoichi in the room. The two exceptions just happened to be the same ones that didn't give off killing intent.

#Round 10: Hinata Vs. Asuka#

"What! You expect me to beat up some timid little weirdo! Why did both my teammates get real opponents?" The redheaded Kusa kunoichi roared in outrage.

"So you plan on forfeiting Asuka-chan?" Her jounin-sensei smirked knowingly.

"What, no! I just want to show off against someone strong and cool, like that orange haired kid from sound or that short, blond Ame-nin."

"Who are you calling so short he..." Said blond exploded, quickly getting silenced as his genin swarmed him again before he could clap his hands together.

"Those are both jounin." Misato, because who didn't know it was Misato by now, drawled out, half bemused and half pissed-off.

"Exactly, they'll be a much better test of my skills than some mere..."

"(cough) Ring out, winner (cough) Hinata Hyuga." The sickly proctor choked out, stifling laughs that only made his coughs worse.

Hinata demurely bobbed her head in a bow under the weight of everyone's attention before trying to sneak back up to her team without attracting more attention.

As if on cue the redhead shrieked angrily, forcing her jounin-sensei to knock her out with a not-so-light blow to the back of her head.

#Round 11: Ryouga Vs. Tenten#

"Will (cough) Ryouga Habiki and (cough) Tent..."

"Dammit, grab him Vivi!"

"No the stairs are definitely that way."

"Just take my hand Ryouga-san."

"Throw him over the railing."

"But..."

"Just do it!"

The tiger-striped headband wearing genin landed smoothly on his feet, eyes finally locking onto his challenger and thus keeping him from wandering off. He grunted in recognition of her presence and pulled the umbrella off his back.

Tenten was pumped. She was ready, able and going to pound this idiot into the ground just for associating with his gnome-like teammate. Her body was a font of chakra, practically crawling under her skin, waiting for even the slightest cue to burst forth and leave whoever dared stand before her in a world of, sharp, pointy pain. How chakra achieved a sharp, pointy world of pain was not known to her, but since she specialized in weapons, she could probably make up whatever the energy failed to do with a liberal use of metallic supplements.

"Begin."

With an explosive burst of chakra she was on him before he knew what was happening, a hail of kunai descending in a wave thick enough to block out the ceiling.

Yet, just like Vivi, Ryouga was saved by the instincts being teamed up with Vivi Orunitia and training under Edward Elric had wrought upon him. For Vivi this had meant get far away and fire off wide-area ninjutsu as quickly as possible, as any close up fighting was going to hurt. For Ryouga, a close combatant, this meant shield yourself and endure then smash anything left. And hope your ninjutsu specialist didn't accidentally hit you again, not that he blamed Vivi, after all Ryouga had problems with by-standers all the time too.

So it was that through pure instinct Ryouga had opened his umbrella and crouched behind it, completely shielding himself the instant the match started. Compared the battering of overcharged wide-area ninjutsu and a storm of oversized stainless steel spires, a few hundred kunai splashing against his umbrella was nothing. The various swords, axes, kama, chains, scythes, spikes, daggers and spears that followed as the girl unsealed two scrolls worth of weapons were similarly easy to ignore.

Finally, after a minute or two of this futility it stopped. Knowing his cues well, the Ame-nin swung his umbrella around to free it of debris while charging forward, flinging his headband innumerable times.

At first Tenten panicked, seeing the counter attack coming yet having no way of blocking it. She swung out an arm, trying to divert the deadly, spinning clothe from striking her head, only to be stunned when she lashed out fast and powerful enough to swat each bandanna harmlessly out of the air.

A heady euphoria of power washed through her, clouding her judgment. She felt strong, unbeatable, ...invincible. Was this how Lee felt when he opened the gates? This addictive rapture of knowing, just suddenly knowing, there was no way and no one who could defeat you.

The kunoichi clenched her hand around the approaching umbrella being jabbed at her and snapped it with just her thumb and index finger, flicking her opponent's forehead with enough force to send him reeling and noticeably dent the metal. She felt as strong as Tsunade-sama.

With a sinister grin she channeled this incredible power to her legs as well as her arms, running and flicking her opposition, sending the shinobi bouncing like a rag doll across the floor. Within a few moments the euphoria died down and she grew bored, rearing back one arm to finish her bruised and battered enemy off.

And then pain started. A small, low ache that burst from her limbs as they exploded in a gale of blood and pure, uncontrolled chakra. She toppled over backwards as her muscles failed, burning away within the wash of energy. Her world suddenly a blinding white, ringing shell of agony unlike anything she had every experienced in her life. Though she didn't know it and would probably argue against it as vehemently as she could, her overuse of the chakra network in her arms and legs saved her life.

Unlike Lee she hadn't opened a gate and unlike Neji she didn't have a kekkei genkai or a large enough chakra reserve to shrug off the effects of her recent diet. In fact of all the leaf ninja only Lee's, Sakura's and her own chakra reserves were tiny enough to be permanently effected by the relatively small amount of chakra that had been locked in the jerky Gai had given them. If she hadn't been shoving so much chakra into her limbs, the pressure would have ruptured her chakra coils instead of relieving itself through her outer tenketsu, causing her entire torso to explode like her extremities had, only driving that same energy through her network, burning away her internal organs instead of all the muscles in her appendages.

She was very lucky indeed, though she would never know it or believe it.

"Dammit Ryouga! What the hell did you do to her! We're allied villages, remember?" The blond Ame jounin shouted angrily.

Ryouga just stood there, confused, until one of the medics escorted him to the medical bay.

#Round 12: Chouji Vs. Unnamed#

"Will Chouji Akimichi and Generic Anbu please (cou(cough)gh)..."

"An ANBU? I can't beat an ANBU!" The... large genin beside the pineapple headed Nara cried out in despair.

"Relax, he isn't a real ANBU, he's just from the clan that makes up most of our ANBU corps. In fact, ANBU was named after the Anbu clan. They've all got this kekkei genkai called 'Jikokakuhozetsumei.' I think we made them wear masks so we could tell them apart. Other than that..." The chain-smoking beard that was allegedly their sensei ended with a shrug. "We don't really know much about them."

"Come on Chouji, you know what Ino will do to us if you just give up." Shikamaru told the... portly ninja.

"And if you win, we'll go to an all you can eat barbecue."

The... vast ninja leapt from the catwalk, landing face to face with a thoroughly nondescript, generic looking genin in indescribably plain ninja gear, the leaf headband being the only distinct feature aside from a vague feeling of masculinity, though gender was also indeterminate through visual cues.

"Begin (cough) !"

"Barbecue!" The... enormous ninja roared, throwing a slow, easily avoidable punch straight in front of him.

With all the grace of a true Anbu, the blank genin took the blow directly to his chin, severing his head with so much force that it ricocheted off the far wall, the floor and finally the... huge ninja's face, knocking him out and over.

"Winner: Generic Anbu! (cough)"

To celebrate, the corpse sprayed a bit of blood into the air where its neck should be and fell over in overwhelming joy. Or at least it looked like overwhelming joy.

#Author's Notes#

The secret of the ANBU revealed.

All the matches and their results were left to random chance. I made a little chart thing and gave each result a range then randomly generated a number. Incidentally, this is also how the non-canon teams were chosen since I didn't really want to bother designing OCs and then having to explain their powers when lifting recognizable characters and powers was so much more convenient and stream-lined. They were "Eva set" and "random group" followed by jounin - "Edward Elric" and genin - "Happosai", "Vivi" and "Ryouga". There was a bit of panicking when I forgot who Vivi was suppose to be, but seeing a copy of Kingdom Hearts 2 in the used games sections reminded after a few weeks of failing to write up the scene. And figuring out how an in-training Happosai ninja could work was kind of fun. Incidentally, Ed has Kaneton (metal release, you know like Mokuton is wood release or Hyouton is ice release) to account for his alchemy, though this limits him to metals only.

The results I got for teams to survive the forest and advance were "rookie nine", "Suna", "Oto", "Kusa" and "Ame" so Gai's team getting in was actually an oversight, but they all lost so it's okay. I guess.

It's kind of funny, how well it all worked out and how easy they were to write (except Chouji Vs. Unnamed, I had no idea how anyone could lose to him), once I remember that Vivi was the little black mage guy. I know the matches themselves are kind of short, unbalanced and abbreviated, but this is a ridiculously long chapter for me and I just couldn't make myself cut it in half. Maybe I should get a beta-reader and force them to cut in half for me.

This is the last chapter I had stored and I got distracted halfway through editing it. I do hope that everyone is surprised by both the results and incapable of guessing what will happen next. Anyway, next chapter is aftermath from this and the chapter after that will probably be just the training various ninja undergo before the finals. One after that will be the finals. Oh, it'll be such fun.

Thundara - LIT2, see Final Fantasy 4.

Kowaku-ken - Seduction or Fascination Fist. You can probably tell what this is from Kin's fighting style.

Hentai - Pervert, specifically in a sexual way as opposed to say, perverting nature or teachings.

Sweeto - Happosai's battle cry, typically used just before a groping. His scene just didn't feel right without it.

Jikokakuhozetsumei - Self Gaurenteed End Of Life or Self Assured Death


	5. Karaage With Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

Chapter Five: Karaage With Ramen

#Still In The Tower Of Death#

"(cough) And now if everyone to advan(cough)ce will please come down h(cough)ere. We'll be drawing (cough) lots."

The genin grumbled a bit but complied anyway, each forming a line and drawing a ball out of a box. Kakashi drew the last sphere in Sasuke's stead, Ryouga getting regulated to whatever spot was left.

"Very well. The first round will run Sasuke vs. Kankuro, Vivi vs. Kin, Shikamaru vs. Shinji, Zaku vs. Hinata, Generic vs. Ryouga, and Rei vs. Hotcha. The winner among the first four will fight one fewer battles than the winner among the later eight. You should all know..." The Hokage declared, stepping back into the spotlight with another speech of inspiration about representing the villages and replacing war and all that other stuff aged peace-mongers talk about before at long, boring speech last, "...so you must train hard over the course of the coming month. All of the Elemental Countries will be watching you. Dismissed."

The victorious genin all moved to stand by their respective jounin-sensei, trying to get their training planned and started as soon as possible.

In particular, Kin latched onto her sensei, grabbing the befuddled jounin before he could gather his wits. According to the young kunoichi's guide to seduction and romance, someone as dense as sensei was required quite a bit of overt flirting and positive physical contact before the idea would even sink in and since he finally started reacting to it like he was suppose to, she couldn't give him a chance to think or he'd immediately regress. Besides that confused, panicked look he got every time was so cute. Almost like he thought he had to suppress his reaction or she'd pound him. Well, if that was the case, no telling with sensei after all, she'd just have to prove that idea wrong.

For his part Naruto had already forgotten the revelation that Kin was a pervert. Seeing her beat up a leaf-nin for glimpsing her panties had dissuaded him of that idea, thank you very much, and so he was trying his hardest to ignore her like he did in the past. If only he had cooked something recently he'd be able to focus on revising the recipe instead how nice... No, no, think of something else.

Behind them Hinata simmered in a rage previously unknown to her. If it wasn't so obvious that the orange-haired vision of perfection was nervous about how his genin was clinging to him, it might have been overwhelming despair or listless hopelessness, but as it was she took the opportunity to cram and concentrate everything unfair, cruel and wrong in life and embody all of it in the long-haired Oto-nin trying to throw herself at Hinata's One True Love. Though she was still meek and uncertain about everything else, she knew and recognized that this could be the turning point. If she could just manage to defeat the horrible, crass and, and loose ...concubine attempting to steal what was rightfully hers then everything, **everything**in her life could be conquered and set right. No, if she could manage it, everything else would just fall into place. Besides, the first word in Hinata's One True Love should say all that mattered on the subject. Hinata's. Hers...

And coherent thought faded into a rosy fantasy of how her life was going to be.

#Medical Bay: Examination Room#

"If I didn't have his record on hand, I'd say there was nothing wrong here. His chakra coil is a bit underdeveloped for a genin, true, but it's producing about the amount you'd expect it to. Hell, maybe the spare chakra from opening the gates so frequently finally kick-started the damn thing. In any case, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the boy. It might be some kind of miracle, but it doesn't seem to have left any adverse effects in it's passing. Congratulations, Mr. Rock Lee, you are now a perfectly average genin with monstrously over-trained taijutsu. Would you be willing to submit to a series of experiments?" A med-nin asked excitedly, rummaging through a file folder.

"Yosh! Most unfortunately I feel my flames of youth demanding I train to utilize my full potential as a genin least they be dampened. Though I may no longer be able to prove a splendid ninja despite a lack of chakra, I shall remain a genius of hard work!" The mini-green beast yelled, taking up an inspired and determined pose.

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Not in the medical bay!"

#Medical Bay: Room 417#

Hiashi stormed into the room in a fury of controlled and repressed anger. "Leave us." With the furor suppressed in those two words, the few nurses trying to ensure Neji's comfort fled. The noble moved to stand astride his clan's prodigy, laid out in a bed and mummified in bandages as his body was. The tiny, light touches of pink in his eyes were rapidly fading away. Good.

"Lord Hyuga..." The boy groaned, trying to move. He stilled with a single gesture.

"Neji, I was called when the medical staff noted an oddity with you eyes. Tell me, have you recently eaten anything odd, anything you didn't know the origin of?"

Neji swallowed nervously, Hiashi did not look happy. "I... There was some jerky Gai-sensei supplied us with. Said it was a gift from a youthful foreign jounin. What, what happened?"

"Your opponent awoke a rare kekkei genkai known as the Shikotsumyaku. By awakening it, his chakra network shifted itself to accommodate and created or opened new and lesser tenketsu, undoing the sealing you had performed upon him. As a result, various bones were ejected from his arms and impacted your unguarded back. Rare as it is that a kekkei genkai might awaken mid-combat, you should not have turned from a potential threat unless completely neutralized. For instance, a seal master can still activate any of their arrays with any part of their body they can send to chakra to." Hiashi then sighed, settling into a chair and suddenly looking far older than he had moments before. "But that is not why I am here. Neji, what do you know of the history of the caged-bird seal?"

"It was created before Konoha was formed. Every Hokage has protested it's existence but ultimately ended up allowing it to continue. Every generation it's applied at a younger age..." Neji recited back what little he knew about the mark on his forehead that wasn't likely to enrage his uncle.

Hiashi replied by taking on a slightly more weathered appearance with each fact listed. "Enough. I see that we no longer bother explaining the reason among the branch houses." The clanhead sighed, sitting slightly more rigid as he spoke again. "The purpose behind the caged-bird seal is to prevent the creation of another Madara Uchiha. To prevent another civil war between our own clansmen. As you must know, the Sharingan evolved from our Byakugan. What is a closely kept secret is how the new bloodline evolved. Originally, before any of the hidden villages came into being, our doujutsu was a far lesser power, being able to stun an enemy temporarily for an exorbitant amount of chakra per use. From there, we broke with the main clan and developed the Byakugan, forming our own clan. Eventually, as our numbers grew, some of those in the branch houses wished to distinguish themselves and so researched our past to discover how they might further evolve their doujutsu. They followed the rather simple practices listed but it wasn't until a trigger was discovered in life threatening combat that they had any success..."

"Lord Hyuga, why..." Neji broke in as Hiashi paused to gather himself.

"The method to build up enough power to evolve a kekkei genkai when encountering a situation able to trigger it is simple. Take in several times the chakra your body normally produces. Drained chakra doesn't work, as your body still recognizes it as foreign and refuses to integrate it with your chakra coils. Should the chakra be taken in through ingestion, however, the body can't tell the difference." Hiashi turned to face Neji directly now. "In other words, by eating something with large amounts of chakra infused in it..."

"But only a ninja would... Lord Hyuga, why are you telling me this?" Neji face turned an ashen green.

"Just recently your body was thrown into a life and death struggle by being impaled. As a result, your eyes turned a dark shade of pink for a few moments, slowly fading back to their natural shade. If I believed for even a moment you had intentionally..." Hiashi shook his head in a slow, dignified manner, refusing to show how distressed he truly was. "Fortunately, your own chakra reserves were large enough to dilute it and prevent drastic steps from being taken. You stumbled upon a very dangerous clan secret Neji, and not even I can protect you from it should any others of our clan learn of it." The noble sighed once more and withdrew a scroll from his sleeve, seeing the petulant look on his nephew's face. "Your father left this for you, before choosing to perform his duty. As the defiance that drove you to surpass Hinata will likely end up driving you to self-destruction, I suppose it is necessary that I pass it onto you now." The nobleman turned and left solemnly.

Neji took the scroll, staring at it in awe for a few moments. Then he processed his uncle's parting words and realized the man had been withholding it from him for years, just to make him hate the main house enough to surpass his own cousin, the man's own daughter, for no perceivable reason. That bastard!

#Medical Bay: Operating Room#

"Wow. Damn. So do we know what happened to her?"

"No idea. Her opponent didn't have a clue what was going on. From the description I'm guessing a gate opening technique."

Tenten drifted in a state of semi-conscious confusion. Was she dead? Why couldn't she feel anything? Whose voices were those?

"What kind of an idiot teaches a genin a gate opening technique?"

#Medical Bay: Examination Room#

"Gai-sensei!"

"L- Achoo!"

#Medical Bay: Operating Room#

"I don't know. But even then what kind of genin wastes it just to show off to future enemies?"

#Medical Bay: Examination Room#

"Gai-sensei? Are you -Achoo!"

#Medical Bay: Operating Room#

"Will you two shut up, this is serious."

"Phef, yeah right. Whatever burned the chakra system out of her arms and legs also burned the wounds closed. All that blood's just what was in the limbs at the time."

Alone in her void, Tenten felt a wave of unbearable dread sweep over her.

"He's right you know. All we have to do it make a few cut and wrap over the stumps. No way those are ever going to heal."

"We can probably save both shoulders and about the upper fifth of both thighs. Shame though, she would have been a cutie in a few years."

Panic filled the young kunoichi. Oh kami, they were talking about her, weren't they?

"Well alright then, let's get to work. Someone get the dress off her."

"Going after genin now?"

No! Not only was she paralyzed, crippled and lost in a void where only sound could reach her, but she was surrounded by perverts too!

"Well, I know usually we're proven wrong when we say this, either by Tsunade-hime, some new medical jutsu or just freaking inhuman determination, but this time I feel safe in saying this girl will never be a ninja again. Whose with me?"

"After we remove her arms and legs?"

No no no, stop! This was wrong! She was suppose to be a real kunoichi! She was suppose to follow in Tsunade-sama's footsteps! What was going to happen to her? All she knew about was ninja based. The future was suddenly a dark and uncertain place filled with terrors she was defenseless to face.

"I'm not taking that bet. She'll just learn some kind of way to fight without any limbs at all. Like, I don't know, a monstrously long tongue or some kind of weapon swallowing and spitting technique."

"Nah, I say the loss will prompt her to get super human chakra control that'll let her use basic gen and ninjutsu with her mind. From there she can just shunshin everywhere, throwing around low level attacks and creating all sort of havoc."

Huh. That actually sounded bearable. She wouldn't live up to her whole dream, but at least she'd be able to defend herself...

"Phef, you're both wrong. Obviously she'll become a seal-mistress. Then she won't even need to fight to reach the rank of jounin, her skills would just be too valuable and too in demand to be ignored. Fuinjutsu all the way."

"Well, you gonna betray me too?"

There was a lack of fuinjutsu specialists out there, wasn't there? Maybe there really was a niche for her to still fill.

"Huh... Uh, sure. I'll give it a shot. Let's see... She'll become an apprentice to four legendary ninja, one right after the other, eventually culminating in her being declared heir to some elderly, elite puppet-master from Suna who will not only build her replacement limbs that make her better, faster and stronger than she'd ever be when limited by flesh, but will also train her to build her own, leading her to advance the art to such a point that she become a kunoichi goddess proven to be capable of matching and defeating, say, a Mangekyo Sharingan wielder toe to toe."

Whoa, maybe it was the unending limbo talking here, but it almost sounded like losing her limbs was the best thing to ever happen to her.

"Ha ha ha! You almost had me going there. Beat a Mangekyo Sharingan, good one. Alright then, never fit for ninja duty again it is."

"Sure."

"Okay."

"Why not?"

"Just be sure to add some sort of 'no matter what' clause. The last thing we want is for her to have even the slightest bit of hope. Oh, by the way, did anyone sedate her yet?"

What! No! You can't give someone a vaulted dream like that and then spin it around to deny them any chance of it!

"Slipped my mind, but so what? I mean, no one's going to stay conscious with wounds like this. Hell, she's got to be out."

"Good point. Okay, I think we're done here. Have the nurses throw her off in some room until we sort through all the paperwork."

#Medical Bay: Room 513#

Orochimaru chuckled under his breath. Well, it was actually a giggle, but since the body he was wearing was trying to look male, we'll pretend it was a chuckle. It's only polite.

He had just acquired perhaps his greatest goal within Konohagakure, short of burning it to ashes while his sensei was forced to watch. Reject his prized student's affections would he... No, no, happy thoughts. After all, something wonderful had happened! He had gotten to give Sasuke a physical. True, he had technically just been standing off to one side taking notes as the med-nin he stole his face from was apparently an assistant, but he got to sit through the whole thing so it was all the same. Konoha was so paranoid about the foreign ninja cheating against the 'last' mainline Uchiha, ku ku ku. And to think he'd only hoped to get a few drops of blood off the Hyuga. Ku, he had a practical gallon. Who knew they all had a special blood type and couldn't use anyone else for transfusions? Certainly explained why so many of his creations died. If only he had studied this stuff at the hospital before trying to reproduce it from purely artificial means.

Oh well.

The snake was so overjoyed, in fact, that he was happy to run through the rest of the now deceased man-whose-face-he-was-wearing's schedule and not just to keep up appearances.

Which brought him to where he was standing, looking over the chart of a very damaged kunoichi. The entire situation reminded of when he had taken Anko on as an apprentice, except this girl's damage was physical not emotional. Both then and now he was in a rare, benevolent mood and so actually tried to do something nice for someone, in his own twisted way.

Hmm. Never to be considered a ninja again with a no matter what clause. Ku ku ku, well if it made Konoha look stupid, why not?

Taking out the training scrolls he always left for his apprentices to master in his absence so he could focus more on his experiments, he gently placed them on the bedside table where the girl was sure to find them.

With a quick set of hand-signs he dubbed the girl one of his apprentices, so that the scrolls wouldn't poison her on touch and left the room. After all, only those worthy deserved to know how to swallow an entire unsheathed zanbato or how to stretch their tongue up to three hundred meters. Such a shame he was wasting a set of these precious scrolls on another female after how ungrateful the first one had been. Honestly, such a fit just because he chose young Jiro-kun over her. Anko always was a jealous one.

And to think, Jiraiya and Tsunade took nearly a decade to turn out anything of quality from a single apprenticeship. They somehow made it seem that there was a degree of work involved on their part. Sad really, how self-absorbed some people could be.

A small part of the snake's mind wondered how long the laughing gas took to wear off.

#Roots Headquarters#

"So I was browsing through town and found this place. I even checked with that old guy who gave all those boring speeches, just to make sure. He didn't just say they don't officially exist, he actually offered a reward for every last one of these guys that we can prove we've... How'd he say it? Dealt with? So anyway, we don't just get a meal out of this, we get paid too. Weird eh?" Naruto led his team lazily down the ominous, dimly-lit hallway, his genin following just a step behind him. Well, Zaku and Dozu were anyway, Kin hadn't let go yet. "I figured, we need a good meal and a good test of your new abilities, so here we are."

Dozu and Zaku nodded at that wisdom, Kin just pouted. Breasts were nice and all, but they just didn't measure up to precognitive reflexes or super dense, unlimited bone weapons. If it wasn't for how much more flustered sensei was, she'd almost think she got completely gypped, as opposed to just mostly gypped.

The ominous hallway ended in an impressive, imposing door that stood nearly as grand and tall as the village gates. Kin pouted again as she detached from her sensei to let him draw his skillet.

Klonk. Thud. Once more proving its infinite usefulness, the skillet knocked the ostentatious doors off their hinges in a single blow.

"Lunch time. Let's see... today I'll teach you Ne-nin donburi with ramen, Ne-nin pan with ramen and Ne-nin karaage with ramen. We'll split up from here to gather ingredients so we don't start fights over who gets which this time." Dozu glared at Zaku as Naruto continued. "And don't forget to get a few spares in your storage scrolls, this might take a few tries to get right. Meet back here in... about forty minutes."

"Yes sensei." The three Oto-nin dutifully choired, each racing off to try and find the best quality available before the other two did.

Naruto chuckled, watching his pupils scatter through the catacombs. Ah, the memories this brought back. Nii-chan loved storming secret outposts. There was that one time, during the civil war in Kirigakure... Ah, so tasty... And there were six more sword guys just like him out there somewhere, minus the one he lost in Wave of course. Well, he certainly hoped there were still six of them, maybe he should get a newer bingo book to make sure.

As his mind drifted, the chef's body ran on auto-pilot, guiding him to the three strongest chakra signatures while brushing aside the pathetic attempts to stop him. Really, for an elite group there weren't very many of them and even fewer of them that had any degree of power at all. And a rather large portion of these nin had that accursed blank scent to them, effectively halving everything he reaped. At least now he knew better.

Finally he reached the end of the puny gauntlet, entering a wide, foreboding chamber where his targets were rallying the rest of the ninja. Drawing santoku in his left hand and casually spinning his skillet in his right he looked over the offerings before him. A one-armed, one-eyed, elderly invalid, a black haired boy who stank of ink so strongly it overpowered every other scent in the room and a blond idiot who seemed to be nodding about something. It was incredibly disappointing to realize the old guy had the strongest chakra between them all.

"So Orochimaru makes his move. Hmm. Unexpected, yes. Most unexpected. I would have thought his immense hatred would prompt him to attack the village recklessly, out in the open. It seems Sarutobi will not be the one to receive my parting gift for everything he has done against me." The old man muttered and mumbled as Naruto stepped forward, batting aside some drawings that chose to attack him.

The blond Ne-nin charged and fell in a gout of blood without the Oto-jounin even glancing his way.

"Donburi." The chef spoke, stepping over the body.

"Shin!" The ink-stinking one cried out, emotions running through him for what seemed the first time in his life. He cast his brush frantically across the page before him. And hit the ground as Naruto passed, similarly ignored.

"Pan." The feral-looking teenager now stood before the invalid elder. "And Karaage."

The old man smirked ghastly. "I recognize that chakra, diluted and warped as it is. At least I will do what even the Yondaime could not to protect our village. Die, Kyuubi." The retired shinobi forced his chakra into a single point within his own coils, intentionally rupturing them. His body burst into a minute explosion of energy that filled the chamber, setting off seals embedded within the wall. With the force of five hundred explosive seals the chamber was filled with destructive energy.

There was silence and stillness as the smoke cleared.

#Medical Bay Room 327#

Sasuke stood at one side of his lightly charred teammate's bed, awkwardly wondering just what he should do right now. He wasn't very good at this sort of thing, having focused most of his time into training either to be a ninja or to be the Uchiha clanhead. Both were important, hazardous and challenging jobs that had until recently taken up nearly every waking second of his thoughts in one way or another. Having now seen just how powerful and how abominable ninja were capable of becoming, some small part of his mind whined about wasting time here waiting for Sakura to wake up.

There were monsters out there, with seemingly unlimited strength and chakra, looking specifically to kill him whether because his Sharingan tasted god-mod good or simply because he was the Uchiha clanhead apparent and therefore an incredible war trophy. To think that at the Academy he had believed being a ninja was about prestige, a way of showing the world that near total destruction wasn't enough to keep the Uchiha down. That it was some sort of game won by becoming as legendary as possible as quickly as possible.

He had been a fool. Legendary ninja were the most hunted, either for the price on their heads or for the glory of being the one to kill them. And by being the 'last' Uchiha ninja, he had started out with an undue amount of fame, hailed as a prodigy. The reality of it was frightening to realize, he was nearly legendary, but didn't have anywhere near the necessary skills or power to back that fame up. Leaving him with just two options, develop the skills of a legendary shinobi before a truly skilled head hunter came along or perish to unnervingly strong opponents.

Sakura... He did like her, thinking it over now. She was nice, stood by him no matter what and could on occasion actually be prompted to act like a responsible, but fun, kunoichi. You could always tell when too, because she'd start saying 'cha' a lot. But honestly, she just wasn't strong enough. The people and monsters that were going to be coming after him were powerful beyond his current ability to measure, Sakura was a slightly less than mediocre genin kunoichi. They'd slaughter her without a thought, just to hurt him. No, he couldn't do that to her, she deserved to live her life without the guarantee of death hanging over her like it was hanging over him.

She'd understand. He told himself, writing out a quick note. She was the smartest girl in their class after all.

Moments after he left the pink-haired kunoichi awoke, feeling dizzy and uncoordinated. After finally manging to sit upright she noticed the note left beside her bed. It was Sasuke's handwriting. After reading it three times, she finally understood. Sasuke was worried about her, because he didn't think she would be able to protect herself when he wasn't around. She knew something like this was going to happen, if only she'd had more time to train before the exams. She must have looked so pathetic, getting taken down in a single attack like that. No wonder Sasuke was worried that the people out to destroy the Uchiha would hurt her.

Well, if that was the case, she'd just have to get stronger, strong enough to prove she could stand up to them and help Sasuke in his time of need. Stronger than she had been when that stupid seal had activated. Cha! She could do this!

#Roots Headquarters#

Anko whistled as she took in what little was left to be seen. There had been a massive and muffled burst of chakra from this room just a few minutes ago and it hadn't been very difficult for her to sneak in. Hell, she hadn't so much as seen a guard since she arrived to find the front door caved.

Since the kyuubi brat had gone missing, ultimately been declared dead when a blood filled clearing was all that could be found, the Hokage decided that more than a few operations needed to be closed. Thoroughly.

Roots had managed to resist and avoid it for a few years, much of the council had supported the man behind it after all, but couldn't outlast the Sandaime's wrath. Slowly and secretly the organization was carved away, Danzo being declared a traitor for his part in it and more than a few among the council were executed for various reasons until his support network was subtly erased. He'd been pressed in upon but refused every chance to flee, until at last only one outpost of his people were left, harried and besieged in secret. Sarutobi wanted to face him down himself after passing on his position officially at the chunin exam finals.

The ANBU guarding the only entrances and exits said only the sound team had gone by, having somehow gotten the Hokage to sign off on a bounty for the Ne ninja. The Hokage was going to be pissed to learn that they'd fried everything in Danzo's chamber. There were still some archives he wanted.

Now all that was left were a few charred remains and scattered ashes with a stink of burning flesh.

Though looking at it, that one lump looked odd. Some sort of metal, obviously, maybe it was a filing cabinet or...

"Argh!" Naruto burst from beneath his skillet and knife, tossing the two still hot instruments away to pounce on whoever it was that woke him up. His clawed hand closed around her throat none to gently.

Anko struggled to breath, taken completely flat footed. The metal, which she now saw was a large pan of some sort, had given off no detectable chakra. Everything in the room had seemed either dead or inanimate, there was no way she could have missed a ninja. Panicked as she was, her trained eye still seized details from the one choking her. Sound headband. Charred skin flaking and peeling off to show pink skin underneath. Kunai she'd stabbed his shoulder with dropping out as flesh under it healed, apparently unnoticed.

Naruto looked around the chamber, seeing only chakra-less cinders remained. The karaage. The karaage had stolen everything from him. Why! How could anyone be so cruel! He felt his eyes tear up as he looked at the one he'd grabbed. Ick. More tainted meat. Orochimaru said only he did that though and this one was wearing a leaf headband. How'd he make them again? Bites right? And if you sucked the poison out of a snake bite...

Well, might as well try it. At least then he'd have something.

She was losing it. She knew she was, her vision was failing and her mouth was probably starting to froth. But neither of those explained the tears she saw in the other ninja's eyes as he looked around the room. No matter how much she stabbed him or how many snakes she bit him with he didn't react, didn't even notice as they healed right over, his grip never wavering. Oh kami, she, she wasn't going to die like this. Not like- She whited out in pain as he bit her shoulder, burning chakra coursing from the bite and warring with her curse seal.

The taint was chakra. Poisonous chakra, but chakra nonetheless. Obviously, biting her where it was centered and physically sucking wasn't going to work, so instead he shoved his own chakra into her and tried to wrap it around the poison before pulling it back into himself. This didn't work, the tainted chakra was slippery and oozed through whatever cocoon he made for it, no matter how fine his weave. He tried using more, but her body had shuddered and that little inner-source thingy had started to break like the old guy's had. Since he didn't want to get hit with incredible destructive forces again, he stopped and tried to think, absently rolling the tainted chakra around with his own.

Hmm. If there was a limited amount of room to work with... Pushing all the energy he'd put in her away from his bite forced the energies to order themselves, the tainted chakra sat on top, with her normal chakra below it, resting directly on his own. Enthused, he pumped more and more energy into her, pulling the oily tainted energy into his mouth to store it.

Success.

Oh kami it tasted like raw sewage! Ew! Ew! Ew! Dropping the kunoichi he staggered a few steps and crouched, vomiting the foul purple energy out to dissipate along with his bile and stomach acids. Ick. And this woman had clearly been stewing in it for much longer than Orochimaru's bodyguards. Bleh, no way was she edible.

Sniffling unhappily, Naruto collected his weapons, heedless of the effects an injection of his inhuman chakra, along with a decent amount of fox biju youki, had on a human.

Luckily, Anko had borne a curse seal for years, even if she never used it, so her body had been prepping to transform using an energy poisonous to herself for just as long. Though fox-demon youki wasn't quite the same as the snake-hollow reishi Orochimaru had used, not that Orochimaru would ever figure out he'd turned himself into a human-hollow hybrid, it was still poisonous to her and it was definitely easy to tell apart from her human chakra.

Unlike hollow reishi, demon youki was much more readily adaptable to human uses without undergoing various rituals that piss off uncountable shinigami. Once her seal discovered this energy had replaced what was there before it was infinitely easier to undergo the functions it was designed for but had been incapable of without its host's consent. Within minutes the transformation was complete. Unfortunately youki tended to degrade most human seal-work and soon after its work was finished the seal succumbed to exposure, bubbling and evaporating off Anko's skin. It was just as well, without his reishi contained in it any degree of control was beyond Orochimaru.

#Entrance To Root Headquarters#

Naruto sighed, seeing his students sitting around a freshly made firepit, sections of the door already carved away to provide fuel. And him without quality ingredients. Damn, time for an object lesson then.

With a minor burst of energy the storage seals in his skillet released the numerous bland shinobi he'd gathered, letting him toss them into a pile on his right before unsealing the few non-bland ninja into a pile on his left. He looked back to find his students staring at him. "What? Is there something on my face?"

"S, sensei... your clothes..." Kin mumbled, both nostril dripping blood from her chin.

Glancing down the chef noticed that only a few, crumbling fragments of his charred outfit remained in place. Completely misunderstanding the situation he lazily pulled out one of his spare clothes storage scrolls and replaced his burned outfit with a new one. He then turned to instruct his students again, only to find Dozu and Zaku pointedly looking away, with Kin passed out in a large puddle of her own blood, all of which was flowing from her nose.

Weird.

"Okay. Zaku, wake Kin up and give her a blood replenishing pill. One of these days we should have Kabuto look into that, it has to be unhealthy." After Zaku had revived their kunoichi instructions began. "Now, which of these two piles would you think a meal should be made from?" The three genin pointed to the larger pile on his right. "Ordinarily you would be correct, however..." Naruto pulled one of the bodies into a sitting position. "...you'll notice that all of these ninja look bland. Flat. Uninteresting. This is because they are totally and completely tasteless and not just in combat." The chef casually tossed the now unmasked Ne-ANBU back on top of his compatriots. "They so completely lack any degree of flavor that their very presence sucks it out of the other spices and ingredients used. Never, ever cook them. In fact, if you can help it just avoid them as a single drop of their blood accidentally landing on what you want to cook is enough to ruin the entire thing, I learned that with two mercenaries in Wave."

The students looked properly horrified at that revelation.

"Now, lets start with pan. Take out your cookware and some baking instruments..."

#Author's Notes#

I gotta tell ya, this is just a sort of mindless whimsy and dark humor on my part. I especially didn't expect positive reviews or the 200+ emails from forgetting to turn off the site's alert+. The entirety of my plans for this were: 1) You know, Naruto has a really screwed up power scale. And 2) I don't think I've ever seen him raised by Zetsu before. Or Tobi... Hmm...

Everything after that is just kind of been played by ear with an overarching aim to entertain.

Karaage – Bite-sized floured and deep-fried meat, typically chicken or fish. A kind of tempura.

Donburi – Donburi is just a bowl of steaming rice with toppings, typically a type of meat, though tempura versions might have vegetables instead.

Pan – You know in school any given anime were various characters fight over the curry and melon bread? That bread is pan, which has been stuffed with some kind of filling sort of like a jelly donut. Except instead of being jelly or a donut, it's more like a sandwich in bread type and filling. A pork bun might also be considered a type of pan.


	6. Oden With Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

Chapter Six: Oden With Ramen

#Root Headquarters Entrance#

"Hmm. Your Donburi tastes a little off, trying steaming the rice a bit longer next time... Oh, Otokage-datesha. We just started lunch, want some?"

Orochimaru frowned thoughtfully, knowing his subordinate's dietary habits. On the bright side, now that all of his test subjects mysteriously activated their experimental kekkei genkai they wouldn't be in any danger from it. Just lucky they hadn't eaten enough to make them explode before that happened, he supposed. Now he'd just have to have Kabuto examine them. Was it the intense, brink of death training methods Naruto had employed? Or perhaps their overwhelming fear of him pushing their survival instincts to the edge? Maybe the jounin's chakra was less controlled when he slept and exposure to its intensity night after night prompted this response? Ah, so many questions. And so many reports he had skimmed over inattentively that might have given him a clue.

"Ku ku ku, that's quite alright Naruto-kun. I'm actually here to collect Zaku and Kin for special training before the finals. We'll be returning to Otogakure immediately to train in secret. I imagine Kimimaro will take special interest in Zaku's training and Kin's training will be supervised by me, personally. Ku ku ku."

"You mean I got something other than bigger boobs?" The kunoichi piped up, out of term and therefore disrespectful of his authority.

Still, since she was clearly overcome with the thought of being an acceptable host or potential mother to one of his future hosts, he decided to let it slide, just this once. "Ku, of course. But we won't be discussing such things here. Pathetic as its security is, Konohagakure is still a ninja village and there are likely to be spies everywhere. Just not Konoha spies. We leave in an hour."

#Medical Bay#

"Hmm..." Kakashi flipped a page of Icha Icha Lesson, trying to develop some kind of actual training regime for Sasuke. He really didn't want to but it was technically his job and with Obito being instated as Hokage soon there really wasn't a choice. In the early days he had been heralded as a genius and been all too happy with such praise. It had been his thing, spout off some intelligent sounding facts, beat Obito in a spar and tease him a bit and try desperately to evade the fan girls lurking at every turn.

But as time passed they all grew up, ultimately he'd plateaued at an early age and had been bored out of his skull ever since. Any distraction would do, really, anything to pass the time. And somehow, when he focused back on being a ninja again Obito had made it to ANBU captain through ridiculous and over complicated training exercises, the fan girls had all grown up and moved on and the kyuubi kid was missing, presumed dead.

From there everything had shifted and inverted, he was the one with bad habits, he was the one losing the spars and Obito had a crowd of gossiping young women following his every movement. Somehow Kakashi woke up one day to find that he was a has-been and honestly, he was okay with it. He'd been the glamorous prodigy long enough, made up for all of his father's mistakes in the eyes of the village and could look forward to a typical ninja retirement into information broking and spy wrangling in a few years. And then Obito, his only real friend, except possibly Gai, had asked him a favor, master the Sharingan and train Sasuke to master his own. The Uchiha military police didn't have any advanced mastery and probably wasn't able to teach it either as a result.

There was no way to refuse, outside of debilitating self-inflicted injury, so he had agreed. And then preceded to blow the whole thing off in favor of Icha Icha Bebop. And Icha Icha Arms. And Icha Icha Xephon. And gee, what do you know, Obito actually was going to be Hokage, which would inevitably make Kakashi an advisor since the Sandaime's advisors had had... accidents. Accidents he and Tenzo knew nothing about and couldn't possibly have set up on the Hokage's orders, nope.

Stupid elderly hypocrites, committing treason and ruining his future retirement. If only he was able to forget all those stupid facts about each nation he'd memorized as a kid.

The problem was he hadn't actually thought out putting them in the chunin exams. Sure it gets rid of them faster, but letting Sasuke get killed in front of the entire world was not something Obito would like and since Obito was going to be his boss soon...

"Ah, there you are Sasuke. Come on, you're probably going to need advanced training to take down that girl from sound." Kakashi was on some level pleased to find Sasuke here, leaving his teammate's room. It showed a great deal of forethought to actively cultivate a fan girl into something useful. If only he'd thought of that in his own youth.

The young genin nodded dutifully. "But what about Sakura and..."

"Don't worry, I already lined up a teacher for your teammate and he'll take care of them as soon as he gets here. He's supposed to be an elite tutor."

Sasuke smiled slightly at that. "Thank you sensei. I'm worried that she might be thinking she's useless and..."

"I understand completely, angst and pink just don't mesh very well. A while back Gai had been trying to angst over Lee's training and he'd heard pink was the new black so..."

Sasuke stabbed one of his thighs to dispel the image. "Sensei, I heard about her from Lee and Kiba and other than intense strength, endurance and speed training, I don't think I can beat her."

"Nonsense, I'll help you master the Sharingan and you'll not only be able to defeat her, you'll also turn her into a loyal mewling sex kitten by spanking her in front of an arena filled with hundreds if not thousands of people from throughout the elemental nations."

"Uh, sensei, wouldn't the humiliation make her vow to see my clan wiped from the face of the earth? Like what happened to the legendary spanking-nin?"

"If you were an ordinary, Sharingan-less ninja, yes. But Jiraiya researched the topic extensively and all super strong taijutsu kunoichi with big breasts love that sort of thing. It's why they're into taijutsu, to find a worthy mate and with the Sharingan there's no way you can lose or be considered unworthy."

"...You're reading Icha Icha Tousen again aren't you?"

"Maybe..."

#Konoha Council Chambers#

Obito sat before the council, proud and smirking, almost disrespectful of their assumed powers over him. They could not stop him from being Hokage after Sarutobi's public announcement without losing face and presenting a weak front to the other nations. If they wanted to pretend they could undermine the Hokage, current or future, then perhaps he should illegalize this group from any dealings in ninja operations. The Sandaime personally admitted that he might have given them too much say, that that was the reason Naruto was dead and sensei's legacy all but lost to this village. To think that in the entire village only the Sandaime himself could remember that name...

But as it was they would bluster and praise and maneuver, each making it seem selecting him is a good idea, spreading it out to pretend the council was swayed here instead of Sarutobi forcing them into it. Idiot politicians. The only thing left was would they have him justify his mistakes or simply play out his victories?

"As the acting leader of this council, I make a call to order. Let us begin the review of potential Godaime Hokage, Obito Namikaze." The Hyuga clanhead declared, rising and moving to stand beside him.

Arrogant bastard, as the Hyuga always were.

"We'll begin with you mission history, which is by and large unremarkable for a war-time genin. The first, and largest discrepancy is a mission where your team was allegedly ambushed by a team of Iwa-nins. This team attempted to create a rock-slide, the failure of which has yet to be explained to this day, despite your teammates' suggestions that you stopped them utilizing your doujutsu. An ability that prior to the council's acquisition of this document, we were lead to believe had only been used against Itachi Uchiha. Would you care to offer an explanation?" The Hyuga attacked, waved a classified mission report in his hand.

"Why Lord Hyuga, are you volunteering to allow this council access to the total capabilities and limitations of the Byakugan?" Obito asked sweetly, his smirk growing sinister. The man blustered and sputtered before Obito cut him off again. "Then what right do you have to any information on my kekkei genkai? Or any clan's secrets?"

The tone of the ninja half of the council swung decidedly in his favor, the civilian end doing the opposite.

"This council has a right to any knowledge of its ninjas' abilities." One civilian declared, rising angrily. "Particularly the prospective Hokage's."

In contrast Hiashi backtracked, if only to cover his own secrets. "The powers of a kekkei genkai do qualify as a clan secret. I merely ask if there is any information you wish to volunteer to us, to make you a more viable candidate." The Hyuga was quick to stare down the civilian, displeased with the man's lack of tact.

"I was not aware there were any other candidates. On the other hand, the Sandaime will retire regardless, so who else is powerful enough to replace him?" Obito lounged in his chair, ignoring the gaping at his lack of respect.

"Moving on." Hiashi was clearly unhappy, but wasn't about to admit how correct the last Namikaze's words were. "Another notable act was the temporary leave of absence, following the war with Kumogakure. Your absence from duty during the peace negotiations was nearly enough to convince Kumo to resume hostilities. While you did return with the wolf summoning contract, how can you justify this dereliction?"

"I had felt it best to be absent. I did, after all, kill two of their 'legendary' ninja. If I had been present they might of felt we were attempting to strong arm them into a treaty favorable only to ourselves, regardless of the actual terms. Besides, it gave me time to find the wolves' forest."

"Very well." Hiashi appeared to quite enraged to Obito's well trained eye in Hyuga body language. This was actually getting fun. "Your actions following the death of the Kyuubi..." And just like that what little fun he was having fled from the room.

He watched carefully, ninjas were largely uncaring or slightly sympathetic, probably thinking he grew attached through the course of all his bodyguard missions over the child. The civilians though looked smug, as if they were about to exact some form of retribution.

"...Are perfect evidence of why I shouldn't be Hokage. Okay then, who on this council wants to inform the Hokage that they are once again defying his will?" There was silence and shocked looks, the Hyuga even had the nerve to look ashamed. "Come on, there has to be several other 'candidates' with both the power and reputation required to protect this village, otherwise you wouldn't be fighting this so hard. So go ahead, bring in the next candidate." He was vaguely amused by the stark, total stillness following his statement. Finally, after taking a moment to look at each person's face, the last Namikaze snorted. "You're all idiots, first for doubting sensei's seal work and second for doubting his choice of jailer. Naruto is alive somewhere and whatever sort of monster you imagine he might have become is entirely your own doing. If this village is ever faced with retribution for doing that to an innocent child then I hope all of you are forced to witness it, even as I fight it off, so you at least appreciate the boy holding it at bay despite you for all those years."

Without another word he rose and stormed from the room, smiling once he was out of sight. The gob-smacked look on Hiashi's face was a memory he'd treasure forever.

#Hyuga Compound: Enclosed Training Ground#

Hinata had scoured the Hyuga technique library for advanced and archaic Jyuuken forms. The advanced because such skills would be needed, the archaic because being too predictable was a risk. She had found several things to practice, few of which she could truly master in a mere month, even as driven as she was. A speed technique that fell out of use because any number of terrain conditions could negate it, including the shallowest of puddles. Chakra channeling through weapons to create crushing and explosive forces, clearly unfitting and barbaric compared to the subtly of the regal, civilized Hyuga clan's true forms. The one-hundred and ninety-two palms trigram, theoretically still in use, but far too difficult for any member of her clan currently alive.

Ignoring the muttering and stares of her brethren as they gossiped and mocked her in whispers shook her resolve, but she wasn't the shy little thing she had been before. Oh, she was still demure and hesitant, but now she had a goal, a drive great enough to give her the strength to continue on despite them. It was unpleasant to hear the things they said, but it didn't even stand close to the casual dismissal her father gave her, stating that she was to train herself and if she embarrassed the Hyuga then into the branch house she went.

But if she did embarrass the Hyuga in the exam tournament, then she'd also embarrass herself in front of her one true love and therefore deserved nothing less than a life of servitude to her little sister. If she succeeded and won on the other hand... Well, it was a potentially fatal event and if a certain over-chesty bimbo died along the road of Hinata's ultimate victory, who would miss her? And then her one true love would take her aside, into a narrow and dark, but suspiciously clean alleyway and thank her for freeing him from the evil, big-breasted clutches he had been trapped in until one thing led to another and finally their frantic groping and disrobing resulted in...

Wiping her nose carefully, the Hyuga princess was relieved she hadn't gotten any blood on the ancient scrolls before her. Looking them over the speed technique appeared to be the easiest and the oldest, meaning few opponents would be aware of its weaknesses in the present day.

She'd start with it after making a copy of each. The only reason she'd dared to even search was due to her father's absence and it was best she have them returned before he came home. Should he find that she had actually found and practiced something from the library he may well forbid that route from her as well.

#Danzo's Chamber#

Anko was not happy. In case and point she was physically writhing on the floor, but in her dream she wasn't very happy either.

Across from her, wrestling with each other, were two monstrous versions of herself, both in disturbingly accurate birthday suits, including that birthmark she knew nobody else alive had ever seen. One was furry with whisker-marked cheeks, two triangular fox ears on top of her head and two long, bushy fox tails covered in purple fur trailing from her rump. The other was scaly, with a white snake-faced ANBU mask, a gapping hole for a bellybutton and no legs, just a long, sinuous snake tail.

Foxy Anko wanted to be the boss, growling that it was all her energy, so she should be the mistress.

Serpentine Anko wanted to be the boss, hissing that she'd laid out all the ground work, built the entire network and was most comfortable with snake summon chakra anyway, so she should be the mistress.

Bare-ass naked human Anko was fed up with both of them. It was her damn body and both of them should get the hell out. Neither of the other two took that very well.

Finally, what felt like hours later, bitten, scratched and nude human Anko was sitting on top of both beaten, bruised and bare foxy Anko and battered, bleeding and bare serpentine Anko. After pulling one of foxy Anko's tails and kicking serpentine Anko in the ribs one last time both of them gave up and admitted that she was the boss. They promptly vanished out from underneath her in a puff of ninja smoke.

Her eyes opened, groggily. She was still in Danzo's chamber, so what the hell was that dream about. She reached up to rub her eyes, only to bolt into consciousness as she felt the cool, scaly texture of her fingertips. She tried to leap to her feet, only to find her legs felt funny. Naturally they had been replaced with a single long, scaly tail. Trying not to panic she gathered her chakra and pulsed it to erase the obvious genjutsu.

When that failed she started to thrash blindly, she wanted to have her legs back. They were nice legs dammit and she really, really liked them, preferably attached at her hips.

There was a sudden shift of energy throughout her body and without any explanation her legs had been returned to her... Only now her skirt was pinching her tails.

Human, she wanted to be human! What the hell was going on?

Truthfully Anko couldn't appreciate her situation for what it was since she never fully understood just what her cursed seal did. Using human seal work to manipulate hollow energy and eventually partially hollowfy the subject was risky, nine out of ten humans lacked enough reishi to survive the process and died over the course of it. Ninja, civilian or samurai didn't make a difference as none of them knew anything about this other form of energy and weren't going to train to increase it even if they did. Typically a non-monk, non-Omnyouji, non-priest had no training in such affairs and was forced to combat and subdue their malnourished inner hollows based purely on instinct and whatever degree of reishi they could muster. Failure meant becoming a hollow and consequentially being ejected from their bodies.

But Anko survived that. The entire energy network and biological changes needed to host hollowfied powers and even a template hollowfied form were put into place just before Orochimaru abandoned her, waiting only for her approval and summoning or an outside activation agent. When enough youki to kill her was introduced, the approval became a moot point and was overridden, writing over the template and filling through everything that had been left incomplete before. As a reflex borne of a need to survive, her body imitated the work of the seal on her natural form, making one form half-human, half-fox demon and the other four-ninths human, four-ninths snake hollow and one-ninth fox demon. To put it bluntly she was no longer human, regardless of form.

And none of that even started to cover how Orochimaru planned to control the seal-barer afterwards.

On one level, sure it employed a pain causing mechanism to enforce loyalty, but beyond that it was designed to cause love and devotion in the subject. Hollows would instinctively enslave those beneath them that they weren't going to eat so that if they ever grew in power they'd never truly be a threat. Humans instead had a deeper understanding of psychology and preferred to make those they subjugated think they liked or even loved the person cruelly enthralling them. They wouldn't try very hard to break free that way.

In turn, betraying and abandoning her for that kami-damned 'Jiro-kun' just after the sealing was sufficient to turn that artificial love to hate. When the seal had gathered new energy and run its course at long last, it had run through the second, stronger version of that loyalty protocol, still geared towards the one the energy came from and not Orochimaru specifically. All sides had their own view of it.

The hollow portion was indifferent, but was also the most minute of all three being a collection of remnants that was enforced only by Anko's affinity for, and frequent close proximity to, snakes. Notably, snakes with enough chakra to leave at least some insignificant traces of energy on her. Minor, inconsequential yet dangerous if the rest of the mind let it do what it wanted.

On the other hand Naruto defeated Anko, casually, without even really exerting any effort. Someone like that was an acceptable mate and master to a demon, desirable even, swaying its vote decidedly in favor of. And part of the whole reason demons were feared was just how strongly their emotions ruled them. Piss one off, once, and it will let itself feel all-consuming hatred towards your entire species for a few decades or centuries before its temper cools down.

The rational human part managed to strike back, he was too young, he was a foreign ninja and why the hell was she even considering this right now? Maybe in three or four years.

Just like in her dream, the human part beat down the other two easily enough. Then she started thinking again. The Sandaime. He'd know what to do.

#Otogakure, Training Area 20#

"Ku ku ku. Now, Kin-chan, you remember those little... tests you were run through before being made a genin, correct?" Seeing the girl scowl slightly, the Otokage continued. "Those tests were meant to... bless you with a kekkei genkai of your own, in your case Mokuton." Seeing the girl gape at him he smirked and continued. "Yes... Ku, ku. Mokuton, the legendary kekkei genkai of the Shodaime Hokage, carrying with it not just the elemental release in question, but also higher natural strength, faster healing, large chakra reserves and the ability to suppress any demon, god or Sharingan-user once they've been angered."

"L, like Tsunade?" Kin murmured softly, sounding almost fearful.

Orochimaru frowned. He had hoped she'd take this news somewhat better. "Yes, Tsunade does have the kekkei genkai markers, but hers is only partially awakened. To my knowledge all she achieved was greater strength, healing and chakra than normal, all of which she refined with new techniques that greatly enhance each aspect from studying herself compared to a normal kunoichi. She does not have the actual Mokuton or the ability to calm supernatural beings that I've seen, but she does have a lesser version of what you have."

"Wh, what are the kekkei genkai markers?" The young kunoichi managed, praying it was the mark on Tsunade's forehead.

"Why, enlarged breasts, of course. All too common really, like Kami-sama is some kind of pervert. Though Mokuton is much more noticeable than most other bloodlines..."

"No! If I get that big, they'll sag and I'll look like a freak and be too top-heavy to stand upright and sensei will never look at me again and..."

Orochimaru promptly slapped her. "Don't they teach kunoichi anything? Even basic chakra control applied to the chest prevents any degree of 'sagging' and eliminates the need for supportive undergarments. Why, I remember when Anko learned the skill while still at the tender size of an A cup..." Orochimaru frowned. "And she never turned it off since. Such a jealous girl."

When he returned his attention to the here and now Kin was kneeling before him, head bowed with tears streaming down her cheeks. "Sensei, Otokage-dono, please, train me well."

#Otogakure, Training Area 11#

Kimimaro flipped his hand, suddenly holding a bone rapier and batting aside the bones flying through the air, leaving most in more than a single piece. "No, more chakra to the density, less to the ejection through the skin! Again!"

"Give me a minute. (pant) This isn't as easy (pant) as you make it look. Can't we do some actual (pant) combat training?" Zaku gasped out, kneeling and breathing heavily.

"Until you can make a proper weapon and keep it in your hand there can be no combat training." Kimimaro said dangerously. "Now stand up and do it again. And be grateful Orochimaru wants you to survive this, a Kaguya who does as poorly as you seldom survived in the clan."

With a gulp Zaku rose and flexed his arms again, growing a long, ill balanced bone-blade from his wrist. As he drew it, it shot from his skin and split a post.

"Too much chakra. Again!"

Zaku groaned.

#Konoha, Training Ground 17#

Sakura laid flat on her back, panting. Ever since Sasuke had left her that note she'd been coming here each day, training in everything and every way she could think of. Yet, she never seemed to get perceivably stronger.

There was a smidgen more chakra once she reached the final dregs, a tiny bit of extra time between the routines each day and it was just a hair easier to pluck her kunai from the impaled targets. A sign that she was improving, slowly. Far too slowly.

Unfortunately without an instructor there was no way for her to find new training methods and improve faster than she was and everyone was more concerned with those who actually made it to the finals. There was no one there for her. No one to train her. No one to help. And no way to get as strong as she'd need to impress Sasuke.

...Well, maybe 'no way' was a bit of an overstatement. The mark was still there, after all, unbound and unrestrained. It had given her the strength to match the sound team, each in turn had shown themselves to be far beyond most of the leaf genin participating.

Maybe... maybe if she just fed it a little chakra...

Like a light being turned on the training ground was awash with sinister, cutesy chakra, visible to the naked eye as a stream of bright pink energy.

Her exhaustion, her limitations and her hesitations bled away in the scant second it took her to climb to her feet. A quick test of speed, reflexes and strength later, she decided she could get use to this.

Then her chakra ran out and she fell asleep, toppling over to land face-down in the grass, snoring.

#Edge Of Konohagakure#

"He seems to have some trouble sleeping under a full moon." Kabuto noted, watching the twitching Gaara sit on the roof of an inn, staring at the sky.

"Is there a reason you're here, leaf genin?" Baki growled back.

"I'm here on behalf of Orochimaru. To make sure Gaara will be ready when the time comes." Kabuto replied smoothly.

"Orochimaru?" Baki asked, feigning ignorance.

"The Otokage." Kabuto shifted uneasily. Something was wrong here.

"If that was true, wouldn't he have sent the jounin of the sound team instead?" Baki hated this part of being a ninja. Word games and fishing for information was never his strong suit.

"That was Orochimaru himself." Kabuto stated, remembering the plan as it had been when he left.

Baki raised an eyebrow. That nervous, idiotic wreck was Orochimaru? The man would never act like that idiot had, he was too dignified. Wordlessly Baki formed a wind sword and bolted towards Kabuto, swiping it in a wide arc.

The fake genin was lucky to escape the sudden attack with only a deep gash to his left arm. It was quick to heal over, but...

Kabuto barely avoided the shurikens that the sand jounin followed up with, chasing him. What was going on?

"Baki..." The pained voice of Gaara came from behind him, meaning he was surrounded.

"Gaara, that man is either a leaf spy or an assassin, likely here to prevent Kankuro from facing the Uchiha." While Baki sucked at wordplay, he knew exactly when and how to tell a lie. And with the full moon it was better to have Gaara sate his demon's bloodlust a little than spend the next week recovering from resisting it.

"Wait, there's been a misunderstanding."

"You won't hurt aniki!" An explosion of sand and wind tore into Kabuto from two directions at once, leaving behind his left arm and part of his left leg as he narrowly escaped.

"He won't survive with those injuries. I must inform the Kazekage." Baki told his red-haired charge, pleased that the boy was now sleepily rubbing one of his eyes and heading back to his room. It meant the demon had calmed enough to be suppressed again.

Hayate frowned before leaving. The Hokage would need to know and apologize for the actions of Kabuto or there might be an incident. Bad enough they believed he was an assassin sent against the Kazekage's children, but even worse that he escaped. The sickly man hoped he bled out slowly. Besides, Kakashi had already reported that the sound jounin was Zetsu's Chef and posing as another, if lesser, threat was not Orochimaru's mode of operation. Every leaf jounin knew he preferred to be faceless and anonymous when in disguise so no one had a basis to compare his behaviors against.

And in the shadow of the building Kabuto crunched another soldier pill, pouring chakra into regenerating his arm. It'd take a few days, but he'd eventually make a full recovery. For now he had to find and inform Orochimaru of this betrayal.

#Otogakure, Training Area 20#

"Ku ku ku! Yes, just like that. Now feel the wood, embrace it and gently, coaxingly work your will upon it."

"Orochimaru-sama, that sounded perverted. Anyway, since I've got basic element manipulation down, can we move back to chakra support methods? I think I might be slipping, just a little."

"Ku, yes. I suppose you are still a genin and even despite the Mokuton your chakra is still limited. We'll take a brief break and then pick up again tomorrow."

"Maybe I should see how Naruto-sensei and my team are doing."

"Ku... Actually Naruto-kun took his team to train Zaku's weapon skills abroad. I belief he mentioned jutsu blocking chakra armor. Kimimaro is running a few... errands at the moment."

"Sensei... sensei left me behind?" Sniffle.

"Actually I had to forbid him from taking you along. Something about teamwork and advance taijutsu grappling training, but mastering the Mokuton is far more important right now."

Kin immediately collapsed into tears.

"Don't concern yourself, we will meet him again just before the finals and then I'll send him as far away as possible." Orochimaru loved it when a plan came together. Apparently the kunoichi was so terrified of Naruto-kun that she shed tears of joy at the thought of avoiding him. Perfect. "Now, remember, you are what you eat, so an all vegetable diet until you completely master Mokuton." She started crying harder, good. The mere thought of meat must have so many horrifying connotations to her by now.

As her life was progressively ruined by each of Orochimaru's new sentences, Kin vowed to step up her efforts. Now, what did the young kunoichi's guide to seduction and romance say was the ultimate step in seducing an utterly clueless target?

#Land Of Snow#

"Man this place sucks." A broom-haired sound genin complained, looking out at the vast, snowy landscape before them.

"Quiet you idiot. Kimimaro would have been more than happy to continue your training in the village you know." A haystack-clad sound genin countered, also staring at the vast, snowy landscape before them.

"So how are we gonna find the snow ninjas, sensei?" Zaku asked, shivering from both dread of Kimimaro and the biting cold of the winter wastes.

"We already have." The orange haired sound jounin was not staring at the vast, snowy landscape before them. Instead he was staring up at the massive, flying ship suspended above them.

"Damn. How'd we miss that thing?" Zaku muttered, now looking up at the massive, flying ship suspended above them.

"Idiot. Clearly sensei knew exactly where it was the whole time." Dozu grumbled, also staring up at the massive, flying ship suspended above them.

"Dozu, non-katon/raiton ninjutsu only, we don't want it exploding and ruining the ninja inside with the taste of burning hydrogen. Zaku, Shikotsumyaku only, since their armor's suppose to block out everything else. Once the balloon's down we'll stall them and you practice. And then, snow-nin oden with ramen."

The genin were immediately on the attack.

#Konoha Training Ground 72#

Neji watched his cousin practice her forms, here on the opposite end of the village from the clan compound. She had rejected her teammates, in hopes of keeping what she was doing a secret. A Hyuga using anything other than the Jyuuken would be an embarrassment after all.

Some of what she did was truly remarkable, the shattering and explosive force of the Jyuuken channeled through a simple kunai was monumental in comparison to almost invisible damage the normal Jyuuken yielded. Once upon a time the clan had actually had the entire range of skills needed to round out its ninja, who knew?

She was surprisingly competent in the two side skills she had been training in, the other being a trick to slide over surfaces on a bubble of chakra without any friction what so ever, a precursor to the Kaiten in someways. Of course, once anything other than air touched any part of her above the bubble it grabbed on and tripped her, but she had quickly learned to use the Byakugan to avoid that.

Outside of the pure taijutsu style they had become hung up on, she was a true Hyuga prodigy. The only skill she flounder in was the trigrams, being incapable of even the half-trigram, thirty-two palms.

But that's where he'd come in. That bastard Hiashi clearly wanted Hinata to fall for some reason and after having been manipulated into giving him what he wanted over all these years it was time he interfered against the wants of the clanhead. If he desired Hinata out of the main house, then Neji would do whatever he could ensure she remained.

With that in mind he stepped from hiding and stalked forward to give her what was perhaps the first serious Jyuuken lesson she'd received since her mother's death.

No more mindless spars, only true instruction. Whatever it was Hiashi was aiming for, Neji would deny him.

#The Konoha Hot Springs#

"Now, this advanced training will further your chakra control beyond anything mere tree walking could refine it to. As your chakra control is only just below average, I expect we'll spend a day or two on this before you're practiced enough to move on to some jutsu and elemental chakra training." Ebisu was pleased with how attentive his student was being, hanging from his every word. If only the honored grandson paid so much attention. "This training is an extension of the tree walking exercise, you must gather chakra to your feet and..."

"Yes sensei!" The utterly uninteresting genin chirped, charging chakra to his feet and planting them on the bubbling water which promptly sucked him under to be boiled to death.

"Ah, yes. As I was saying, gather chakra to your feet and push away instead of pulling towards. And do try using just a smidgen less this time." Ebisu dictated to his newly arrived pupil.

Following these instructions the nondescript genin managed to wobbly stand with just his ankles beneath the surface right up until the corpse of the first student burst to the surface, throwing him off balance to smash his head against the side of a small bridge, knocking him out as he fell face down into the bubbling spring.

"Your balance was still a bit off, but only practice will solve that. Now, why don't you... You! Who dares to peep on unsuspecting women while I, an illustrious Konoha jounin am nearby?" Ebisu cried, leaping towards a mass of giggling white hair.

A giant toad promptly appeared, slapped the jounin aside with one flick of his tongue and twisted the genin's neck at an odd angle while sending him tumbling backwards into the bubbling water behind him with a second.

"Who's there?" A feminine voice rang clear following the splash.

"Oh crap!" The large white haired man yelled, already fleeing past the approaching bland genin. "Here kid, hold this."

The nondescript genin looked down at the pair of lacy blue panties with a custom chibi-nin-dog print on the front, then up towards the raging tide of unhappy young women, lead by a feral, towel clad Hana Inuzuka.

Needless to say, the dull-looking genin did not survive.

#Land Of Fire#

Kin was pumped.

Having been forced to suffer through Orochimaru's dietary restrictions, ridiculous focus on wood-based abilities and the hopefully idle threats of separating her from sensei, time was now up.

Yes, motivating herself each day had been difficult, but now they were making the trip back to Konohagakure and she was going to kick so much ass sensei would have to notice her!

Not that her time with the Otokage had been a complete waste, for some reason Orochimaru knew over twenty variations of the bra-replacement chakra control exercise, including vastly increased motion sensitivity, gravity resistant yet highly suggestive bounce and the dreaded unending wobble. In between his useless, perverted lectures on wood and practice using the Mokuton she had wheedled out every single one and managed to create her own alternative versions of a few. The best part was, it trained chakra control at the same time it would seduce sensei. No wonder Tsunade had such inhuman chakra control, these things were heavy and keeping them supported twenty-four seven gave her a lot of practice.

Oh, she'd also figured out about a dozen Mokuton jutsu, the exact extent of her enhanced strength, how to improve her healing speed and the suppression of gods, demons and Sharingan-users. Not bad for a month, but Naruto-sensei had taken her so much farther in the same amount of time. Bells, ha! She really had been pathetic.

Besides, if worse came to worse, she still had the young kunoichi's guide to seduction and romance's final tactic to employ. Since it was guaranteed to work except against self-deluded avengers, gay shinobi, homophobic kunoichi and any ninja fearing that you want to steal their youthful fires, and she knew sensei wasn't any of those, there was no way it could fail. MWA HA HA HA! Sensei would be hers, no matter what!

Orochimaru felt inordinarily proud of his temporary student as she suppressed evil giggles while keeping astride of him. Hopefully she wouldn't start coming on to him like Anko had when he finished teaching her all those chakra control exercises. Girls were so weird.

#Also Land Of Fire#

Yugito was terrified. She'd been sent as extra muscle to find out what happened to the other Kumo-nin spying on Konohagakure when they suddenly disappeared, only to stumble onto a group of Oto-nin. Oto-nin that took down the relief team in seconds, a feat she feared she was incapable of even in Nibi form. And so here she sat, bound and forced to watch as her team was reduced to... The struggle to keep from vomiting was overwhelming.

"Sensei, what about the kunoichi?" The broom-headed bone wielder asked, looking oddly content.

"Idiot. Can't you feel her chakra? There's something wrong with it." The psychic haystack countered, keeping a close watch on her every movement.

"Well excuse me for not having the Yogen-mimi."

"I refuse to call it that."

"Phef, like you have a choice. Orochimaru's already decided, remember?"

The haystack growled, but was interrupted by the most dangerous of the group. The dreaded Demon Butcher.

"Ramen's on." He declared jovially, serving out a tray filled with noodley goodness. Horrifying noodley goodness. "Shame about those Yuki-nin. I thought there'd be more of them."

"There there sensei, you couldn't know the idiots inspiring such terror only numbered three." The haystack counseled the disquieted jounin.

"There was four of them, wasn't there?" The broom-head mumbled, changing out an empty bowl for a new one.

"That weakling on the throne could barely even qualify as a genin. Idiot." The haystack muttered back, savoring over a single bowl for an inordinarily long time.

"Ah ha ha, sorry about your hands, but you trying to kill us would ruin the meal, you know? Say 'aw'." The monster said obliviously, crouching next her.

"Wha..." As soon as her mouth was open, Yugito found it filled with a wonderful, delicious broth. Without thinking she made a tiny, purring noise and sucked down the offering, only to realize once it was gone just what she had eaten. It was... But it had been... And why the hell did it taste so good? The Nibi purring in the back of her mind didn't help.

For a while her brain short-circuited, by the time it had rebooted she was eating from a pair of offered chopsticks, held by the smiling, demonic chef himself. What... What the hell just happened? Had she just... After all the time trying to convince herself that she wasn't the demon held within her she had...

The broom-head scowled, muttering about wasting food on the unappreciative. The haystack smacked him, called him an idiot and took another serving.

"...and then we'll leave a kunai here so you can escape once we're gone. I mean, anyone who likes ramen enough to purr while eating it can't be all bad, so letting Konoha catch you would be..." The demon butcher explained to her drifting attention, unaware of the intense inner conflict Yugito was now undergoing.

Kami, why did it have to taste good? Stupid Nekomata.

#Konoha Hospital, Room 541#

Tenten flicked her tongue out, reaching the entire ten feet across the room to coil it around the hilt of a kunai embedded in the opposite wall, carefully looping it through the ring at the end. With another flick it was wretched from the wall, flying back towards her as she struggled to keep the chakra flowing through her unnaturally elongated tongue. It landed on its side at the foot of her bed, well away from her actual body, letting her reel it back in a bit slower. Unhinging her jaw by creating a chakra based free-floating joint felt only a bit odd now, compared to the anxiety attack it had brought on when she first attempted it.

With deliberate, delicate control she laid the kunai in her mouth and slowly swallowed it, careful to engulf the blade edges with a smooth cocoon of chakra until it reached her stomach. There, with another measured, precise burst of chakra she sealed it into a storage pocket that existed only within the field of energy her coils produced at that exact spot, an effect not unlike a living storage scroll with its capacity measured by her chakra reserves. She heaved a sigh and with narrowed eyes glared at the pierced wall across from her before opening her lips and launching the same kunai faster than the eye could track.

It embedded itself in the wall just a little low and to the right of her decided target.

"Ninety-four." She growled, flicking her tongue out to grasp the weapon again.

#Konohagakure, Enchanted Evenings Love Hotel#

It was a rare occasion that Orochimaru let himself get drunk. The medication and neutralizers necessary to let such a harmless poison as alcohol affect him were complicated and wore off quickly. Yet, here, on the eve of his final victory over Konoha, he felt justified in allowing himself to get just a bit tipsy. Of course, he couldn't roam the streets in the visage of his true and perfect self, but fortunately the body he'd stolen was mostly unknown outside of Muregakure, having been one of their most powerful guardians and seldom even leaving the village proper.

Unfortunately she had been somewhat of a teetotaler and just one bottle of sake was enough to get absolutely smashed. He hadn't known this until his third.

The result was a dull, fading hang-over as the neutralizers reached their limit and his abnormal poison resistance kicked in. There was an immediate desire to pretend he hadn't woken up and was still dreaming as a combination of location, a semi-fancy love hotel from the look of his room, dampness, yep, these sheets needed changing, and dulled pain, how could this body get sore with such loose joints anyway, told him something he had/would never want to consider. And now he had to figure out who to kill.

The only other person at the bar before he'd gotten too drunk to remember had been a man in a red kabuki outfit with overflowing white hair and red tear tracks similar to what his old teammate Jiraiya had had. But Jiraiya hadn't returned to the village for at least ten years and there was no reason for that to change now.

The similarity was probably what allowed this to happen. Then again, like sensei, Jiraiya had chosen to reject his feelings and went so far as to lash out in clear denial of his true, yaoi nature by writing that overblown, grotesque and explicitly detailed yuri and hetreo garbage! Come to think of it, revenge was in order against him as well.

So, all he need to do was find a gay Jiraiya impersonator and punish them for taking advantage of him while he was drunk. And then maybe keeping him for a while. There a few... role plays he wanted to work through his lingering feelings with.

Never once did Orochimaru take into account that he was, in fact, female now. And a very attractive, if slightly creepy from his idiosyncrasies, female at that. The sort of girl someone like say, Jiraiya, might consider kinky if he didn't know her actual nature. Especially once he knew just how flexible she was. Or those things Tenten was training in. And fact that she, some complete stranger, was crying out his name interlaced with expletives and instructions at the top of her lungs for most of the night. Well, that last one was appealing for other reasons...

Orochimaru was less than pleased to see that he had only two hours to get to the stadium. Not nearly enough time to don a proper disguise, but then again why not have outsiders think his female form was the current Otokage? He'd be leaving it in a year and a quarter anyway.

#The Stadium, Ticket Booth#

"If (cough) the contestants will (cough) please gather in (cough) the middle of (cough)..."

"Come on, I got us some seats over in section 4." A large man in green merchant clothes said, leading an apparent wife and daughter in white and blue kimonos respectively.

"I don't like this. We shouldn't be sulking back, we should just get the Hokage and..."

"With all these foreign nin around? You'd be better off sitting in a training field with a henge to look like a practice dummy. Besides, Tatsumaki's only had me train her so far, so maybe it's time she saw what other ninja her age are capable of."

"Hmm, you had to have spent **some** of your time actually scouting I suppose. I just hope you're right Ji..." The man in green promptly clamped a hand over the woman's mouth.

"Your name most people won't remember, nobody will remember Tatsumaki's name, hell I doubt anyone remembers Naruto's actual name after all these years. But somebody will remember my name and they'll report anyone using it immediately." The green-clad man removed his hand and straightened his stride, grinning now. "So just sit back and enjoy the show Kushina, we can worry about the rest later."

#At The Kage Box#

Orochimaru felt oddly alert as he approached the Kage box. There was a faint, asthmatic hiss that for some reason sent him completely on edge. It was familiar, but...

Entering the area after proving himself as Otokage, still in his undisguised female form, he beheld the most terrifying sight he'd seen since his team was defeated single handedly all those years ago. The salamander man.

"...And after stabbing me he, all seven of him, just turned and walked away, didn't even bother to set me on fire or check for a pulse or anything. Damn brat even had the gall to look surprised when..."

Why was the salamander man here? On the bright side his wheezing was worse than Orochimaru remembered, for what little good that did. Maybe he was permanently attached to that oxygen tank next to him and wouldn't be anywhere near as much of a threat as he was before.

Crap, it looked like he was friends with Sarutobi. And why were there two Hokage here! Who the hell was the Godaime? Kabuto should have reported this.

He caught the Kazekage's eyes, but the useless man just shrugged and poured another saucer of sake.

"...It was a civil war, security had to be tight because I couldn't tell who belonged and who didn't just by where they were born anymore. No loyalty these days..."

Orochimaru shakily downed his own cup in a single gulp, glad Kimimaro was sticking close. Though between the two of them he doubted they could beat the salamander man.

The second cup was as useless a gesture as the first. Where did he put his poison resistance neutralizers?

"...But Hiruzen, you did what you could. Hell they even impressed me at the time, you couldn't help that they were all whack-jobs..."

This was going to be a long tournament.

"...Just glad I ignored that fool Danzo and challenged them head on. Calling out and beating down their strongest shinobi broke them better than I thought..."

#With A Concession Seller#

"Oh, Tobi is kind of hungry. Tobi will have an ANBU mask taiyaki. Tobi also thinks Kisame might like some hoshigaki, even though he hates persimmons. Should Tobi buy some? Hmm, Tobi's brain says no, but Tobi's deep writhing hatred for Konoha doesn't care. Please add some hoshigaki to Tobi's order. And now Tobi must return to the otherwise inconspicuous god-like shinobi here to raze your pathetic little hovel to the ground for losing the Kyuubi. Tobi hopes you have a nice day until you're brutally murdered. Kisame-sempai, Tobi got you something! Guess what, it's named after you! Isn't Tobi a good boy? Praise me, praise me, praise me!"

#Author's Notes#

Ha! I just explained why various kunoichi don't wear bras and most have better chakra control than shinobi. I mean there has to be something strange going on when Tsunade doesn't bounce everywhere or pop out of her top during intense combat. It was either attribute it to her chakra control or they were fake and ninjas don't seem to have very advanced medical capabilities. Although if anyone could do it, I suppose it would be Tsunade... Hmm, that might explain why she was allegedly flat as a genin yet is clearly over blessed as a jounin. But then, that could also be when her bloodline partially activated... Moving on.

Anko is ten years older than Jugo. Anko was given her cursed seal at an indeterminate age that appears around fourteen at the absolute oldest. Ergo, Jugo, alleged source of the cursed seal, had, by at least the tender age of four, slaughtered and eaten an entire village, already achieved nigh infamous status as a homicidal psychopath and grown so tired of killing that he isolated himself in a cave and survived long enough for Orochimaru to take note, send Kimimaro, retrieve, study and extract the enzyme from his body and then distill it into a refined form. Yeah, like I'm going to believe that. On the other hand with the research methods my version of Orochimaru has employed thus far, it is entirely reasonable to believe he thinks the enzyme is an important component, if I bother to have Jugo at all.

Anyway, even if Anko's seal was purely experimental, Jugo is simply far too young to have lived out the back story supplied for him and while he is a more important character in post-time skip Naruto, even if only for Sasuke's little screen hogging, I like Anko more. Even with the knowledge that her memory has been screwed with I'm more inclined to believe her over any of the post-time skip characters.

Three guesses who the salamander man is.

So I'm thinking someone needs to set up a poll for most popular incarnation of Tobi.

Both Obito and Dozu have kekkei genkai based off of other manga/anime characters. See if you can guess whose as their abilities are revealed.

Oh and this was delayed because I finally decided to join Billy vs. Snakeman after reading Chibi-Reaper's profile one time to many. Incidentally, Chibi-Reaper-Sempai, why did you reject me from your village? Why? Stella! Oh, and I hope you don't mind the whole stealing weapon-Jyuuken from 'Overlord'. Remember, flattery.

Of course thinking of it now, I don't even know if Chibi-Reaper has read this story, and if they (being decidedly gender neutral so as not to be rude) have, aren't offended by the subject matter herein. And then I remember the line about Mangekyo activating every time Sakura dies... Yeah, nevermind.

And dammit, fine, I admit that pan refers to just bread in Japanese, but they make no apparent distinction between pure bread and stuffed bread and I was referring to the stuffed kind okay? Because making unstuffed bread out of... Oh wait, right, Jack and the Beanstalk... Nevermind x2.

Oden – A wintertime dish consisting of daikon radish, boiled eggs, and fish-cakes in soy-flavored broth. Typically anyway.

Yogen-mimi – Psychic or predicting ear.

Taiyaki – Fish-shaped fried dough filled with sweet paste. Usually fish-shaped anyway, this one is shaped like an ANBU mask.

Hoshigaki – Dried persimmons. Yep, the main villain is named after a dog from overly simplistic children's books and one of his lead henchman is named after a healthy, and therefore unpopular, snack food. Incidentally this guy's partner is named weasel, an uninspired villain's name if I ever heard one. Backstabber too.

Mure – Swarm, typical of the insect variety.

Sempai – Senior or upperclassman.


	7. Pocky With Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

Chapter Seven: Pocky With Ramen

#Sasuke Vs. Kankuro – Kage Box#

Sasuke stood across from his opponent, both glaring at each other in determination. There was intense focus from both competitors as the opening match began.

The Konoha genin dived forward, kunai in hand to meet the Kazekage's son on the field of battle even as the cat-hooded boy removed the bundle from his back in an exaggeratedly lazy gesture. The onyx-eyed shinobi leapt in to start the fray, slashing towards the Suna-nin with speed unparalleled by any of the other Konoha rookies. Yet, despite this his adversary...

Orochimaru's attention was jerked off the fight as the salamander man snorted. Terrified that he was about to be discovered, he strained his sense to pick up what the elder ninja were saying to each other.

"...cheap swill from Grass, don't you have any of the new sake from Wave imported yet? It was one of your teams that settled the dispute wasn't it?" The salamander man groused, tossing a mostly full bottle of sake over his shoulder carelessly.

Sarutobi-sensei had that annoying 'what-to-say, what-to-say' expression on his face, a sure sign he was wondering how much the salamander man knew. "There was outside interference and Wave ultimately decided that if there was trouble again they would simply contact the one who interfered. ...Our ninja are a little nervous about dealing with Wave now as a matter of fact."

The salamander man snorted again. "You mean that pathetic snot-nosed brat Zabuza and his pet 'not a girl' kunoichi? Ha ha ha, to think the leaf would fear him."

"No, those two were noted, but were defeated along with both genin teams and Gato's personnel. You might be familiar with the nuke-nin, he has been giving everyone trouble for a while now." The Sandaime Hokage told his guest as Orochimaru tuned them out again.

Crow was out and lashing wildly now, struggling as the Uchiha kept targeting the threads powering it or the now revealed Kankuro hiding behind his puppet. The match was anything but equal as occasional bursts of fire jutsu charred and burned away at the specially treated wood that composed the ninja-puppet's...

"What!" The salamander man roared suddenly, a noticeable veil of killing intent cloying those seated in the kage box. "Rice wine! I'd kill you if you weren't Hiruzen's subordinate, you under-aged punk." The chunin assistant he was roaring at passed out under the intensity of his chakra, mouth foaming. "Phef. Gutless brat. So then, Hiruzen, what happened to that little blond gaki that said he was gonna take you job. You know, the one that looked like the kid that beat Iwa down single-handedly. Haven't seen him around since I got here."

"Ah, Naruto... He was..." Sarutobi started to answer, immediately getting tuned out by the snake-sannin.

Orochimaru gave a courtesy glance to the others sharing the area. The salamander man and his mini-skirted, strained-vest-clad medi-nin nurse, who seemed far too stressed by her boss's drinking. It reminded him of Tsunade and her assistant, though Tsunade's apprentice wore far less revealing clothes. The Sandaime Hokage and a bodyguard in green spandex who seemed almost pained to remain silent and still. One of Naraki's genin, if he wasn't mistaken. The Godaime Hokage and his appointed bodyguard, whose single eye was locked on one of Jiraiya's grotesque yuri manga. The hair was familiar, but every gray-haired kid wore it in similar style back in the day. The Yondaime Kazekage and his offspring's jounin-sensei. Why did he cover half his face anyway? Himself and Kimimaro. By far the closest to equal skills between bodyguard and kage.

Ten ninja of either kage caliber, or close enough that your typical jounin wouldn't be able to tell the difference outside of how quickly they died.

One thing was certain, unless something vital came up he was not going to reveal himself while the salamander man was around.

Turning his attention back to the field, he got just a glimpse of the Suna-puppet deteriorating into ashes as it's owner was bound in ninja-wire and forced to forfeit.

"Bah. This is embarrassing. How'd he get to the finals when both his siblings lost? The Uchiha are bad for business." The Kazekage grumbled, scowling until he saw the other two siblings go to collect and reassure their defeated brother. He gave a brief flicker of a wistful smile before scowling as he took in the number of Konoha genin still in the running. One was too damn many in his opinion.

Not for the first time Orochimaru wondered just what was wrong with the man.

#Kin Vs. Vivi#

As stated during Vivi's last battle, certain instincts became predominate when on a team with Ryouga, Hotcha and Edward. There was, however, a flaw with these instincts in that they relied greatly upon the distraction of said teammates or the inner-conflicts of self-involved kunoichi in order to have the time to manifest properly. In a duel with an on-task predator determined to show off her prowess to impress her desired mate, the instinct, or indeed anything Vivi was capable of, proved insufficient.

With a single kneecap-to-the-skull-attack, an improvised version of heel-to-your-face-attack for shorter targets, the short ninjutsu specialist from Amegakure was out of the running. And, coincidentally, the arena.

#Stadium: Section Six Seating#

"Oh, Tobi has apparently blinked and missed something important. Leader-dono, Tobi needs an instant replay to see how the elite shinobi from the invincible village that leader-dono himself was incapable of defeating got eliminated by a single attack from an over-busty bimbo kunoichi of a no-name village, plausibly founded by the weakest member of leader-dono's organization. ...Tobi thinks he will sit with Deidara-sempai now as leader-dono is turning an unhealthy shade of red and Tobi would hate to catch anything just moments before exacting petty, yet all consuming vengeance upon a by-now innocent population of villagers who idolize Tobi's lineage and kekkei genkai above all others. ...Leader-dono's scary, save me Deidara-sempai!"

#Shikamaru Vs. Shinji#

Shikamaru considered his potential opponent briefly and everything he had observed and heard about the Kusa-nin. He then focused his thoughts on the sound team and what he knew of them. The sound kunoichi, Kin, could probably knock him out in a single, relatively light blow. She trained with the sound genin that forfeited after narrowly dodging a single attack from the shinobi he was suppose to face, indicating that Shinji hit harder and was possibly faster than Kin.

And they honestly thought someone like him would voluntarily fight a taijutsu-type ninja that displayed superior speed? Even if he beat the berserker he was suppose to fight then he'd have to deal with either Hinata or the bone-user, both of whom were very quick. Hinata might be defeatable as she'd need to get in close and couldn't go flying through the air or surprise him with projectile weapons. Yet...

"Proctor, I forfeit." Shikamaru shouted lazily, prompting the nervous-looking Kusa-nin he was suppose to be competing with to smile thankfully at him. Whatever.

#Stadium: Section Four Seating#

"Ero-sensei, this is boring! I thought we'd see all kinds of super butt-kicking jutsu by now! The only one who did anything cool was that lame duck-butt haired guy. Can't we just go get some ramen and find Naruto-nii-chan instead? You promised we'd look for Naruto-nii-chan after we got here!" Tatsumaki complained, her red mane flowing through the air as she shook her head unhappily.

Jiraiya was annoyed, greatly so, but unable to reply as...

"Some ramen would be nice right now. And you did promise her you'd find her brother after his mysterious disappearance. You aren't stalling for time by having us sit through this incredibly boring chunin exam, are you Ero-ojisan?" The other redhead piped in dangerously from the opposite side of her daughter. Fearing for his life, all the disguised toad hermit could do was shake his head rapidly. Kushina brighten considerably. "Wonderful. There was a stall near the entrance selling ramen from Ichiraku. I'll have two miso."

"One shrimp and one beef for me." Tatsumaki threw in loudly.

"B, but..."

"Your treat, of course Ero-ojisan. After all you are her godfather." Kushina added, a dangerous glint in her partially closed eyes, just like every time she reminded him of his semi-guardian status.

Swallowing, he rose up mechanically and walked along the aisle to hunt down the ramen stand. Why couldn't he have just kidnapped the other brat when he had the chance, council be damned? Between these two being female and the guilt left over from failing to live up to his godparent status with the boy his bank account was personally financing at least a dozen ramen stands. Dammit Minato, why the hell did it have to be you? And why did it have to be the anti-pervert, ramen-glutton of a redhead?

At least he was sure that however the other twin had been raised, they couldn't possibly be half as much trouble as Tatsumaki proved to be.

Nobody could be that annoying.

#Zaku Vs. Hinata – Kage Box#

Kimimaro watched intently, measuring every wasted movement and speck of chakra Zaku lost simply by walking down to the arena floor. His opponent's loses from the same journey were probably greater, but that was irrelevant. Zaku was one of his now, a Kaguya by ability if not by actual blood and there were certain things Kaguya were expected to do and be capable of. Zaku, so far, lived up to his now vaulted status only through his sensei's training. His other sensei's training, Kimimaro refused to acknowledge him as one of his students until he proved worthy of such honor.

It was something no one in the world was able to claim thanks his standards and the fact that nearly everyone else alive was trash or in need of being put down. Except Orochimaru-sama and Naruto. Well, except Orochimaru-sama anyway, but there was no way he was even going to try to put down Naruto. Killing the orange-haired chef was admittedly beyond his current skills or at least so close to the upper limit that he'd rather not test it while they were both working for Orochimaru-sama.

The bone-master watched dispassionately as his potential replacement wasted vast quantities of chakra launching sword-sized fibula and ulna while dancing wildly to try and keep his distance from the Hyuga kunoichi. A valid strategy, if not for the fact that while he had enormous chakra reserves for his age and training, he was still limited to about newly-minted-jounin level.

It was startling that the Hyuga was capable of sliding along quickly enough to not only evade the attacks, but approach their source without injury. Startling, but doubtlessly a fault of his student, Hyuga were only able to use Jyuuken after all. The way that her kunai could deflect the bone-weapons and cause them to explode was simply more evidence that Zaku was defective.

"You fucking weak limp-boned fagot! Get your fucking head out of your ass and fight like the kami-fucking-damned Kaguya your suppose to be imitating!" The pale man yelled as he lost his temper. It became apparent that Tayuya didn't just randomly start cussing, but actually picked it up somewhere. Or from someone, anyway.

"Calm yourself Kimimaro. You know what happens when you get too excited. Ku ku ku." Orochimaru-sama broke in, stopping the storm that had been building.

"Hai, Otokage-sama. Gomen. I did not mean to let my temper affect my vocabulary again. I apologize." The pale, slightly sickly man stated in his usual dead and even monotone. He had done his best to learn to control his temper after Tayuya started imitating his mode of speech, thinking that since he talked like that and was strong it would make her sound tough instead of obnoxious and obscene. He had yet to find a way to correct her behavior.

"Ku ku ku. It's permissible. The boy is doing poorly, but then he is also fighting a Hyuga. A main branch one, if I'm not mistaken. It's likely she can see and predict how he plans to manipulate his bones at any given moment." Orochimaru-sama observed, as the pale-eyed girl slipped narrowly through Zaku's guard, tapping a single tenketsu as she passed.

Watching her and noting what he could of her movement compared to Zaku's, he realized Orochimaru-sama was correct, as always. The girl's eyes were reading how the bones moved and allowing her to dodge where any ninja without such sight would be taken by surprise and skewered. He bowed his head. "Otokage-sama, I can only apologize for not foreseeing this and training the boy specifically to counter for it. Any fault is mine."

"Ku ku ku. Oversights are to be expected at times. Such a small mistake does no harm to our plans, if anything the Hyuga believing they can read his movements now could be beneficial once corrected. It will be excused this time."

Watching absently as Zaku shot his ribs out in a last-ditch effort to keep the girl from tapping the last few open tenketsu he had, Kimimaro was once again startled by the speed she displayed as she stepped around the projectiles and struck anyway. Perhaps there was something else going on here. Orochimaru-sama was certainly wise to recognize a potential advantage like this for what it was, all Kimimaro could see was the flaws in the boy's style that led to this defeat.

Orochimaru-sama was so smart.

#Generic Vs. Ryouga – Competitor Waiting Area#

"Gah! He was here just a second ago! Where the hell is he? Dammit! Hanzo's not going to be happy about this." A certain short, blond haired Ame-jounin shouted, searching hopelessly for the eternal lost shinobi.

#Kage Box#

"Phef. Figures the whippersnapper got lost now. You lucked out once again Hiruzen." The leader of Amegakure declared brazenly, laughing as he downed another bottle of sake before breathing deeply through the tubes attached to his nose.

#Rei Vs. Hotcha – Stadium: Section Eight Seating#

Itachi watched dispassionately as the pale kunoichi avoided the gnome-like shinobi, displaying each of her skills at various turns without ever confronting her enemy. Odd, but even if they were here to attack the village during the finals, Itachi could no longer ignore the instinctive drive within himself.

Long, long ago Itachi had been given an order. It was a simple order and easy enough to follow out too. Kill his entire family.

It was unfortunate that he had been intercepted by Obito Namikaze before he could double back and flank them after pretending to flee, but Obito wasn't a part of his family anymore by then and so killing him was against his orders. He thought. It was kind of hazy after all these years, but he was still eighty percent certain he wasn't suppose to kill his fellow ANBU captain at the time. Maybe.

As it was he retreated, leaving his mission incomplete. Most would shrug it off, say it was a good run and walk away. Some might sneak back around or snipe out Uchiha on missions to finish the job, or just recover and suddenly slaughter the remaining clan members indiscriminately out of the blue one day. It was a surprisingly common trend among ninja clans in the elemental countries after all. But Itachi was among the few, the very, very few, who would go about finishing what he started in a moderately obsessive way while still confining it to his free time. Like a hobby.

He had, in fact, written a list as soon as Yahiko-sama announced they were to attack Konoha. If he was there anyway, why not tie up a few loose ends? The only problem was he couldn't quite remember everyone and he also a nagging feeling he was suppose to leave at least one of them alive. Oh well, he undoubtedly forgot someone so at least one of them was going to survive regardless.

Itachi scanned the list once more, trying to figure out why it felt wrong. Uchiha Ami, Uchiha Rei, Uchiha Minako, Makoto, Hotaru, Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna... Ah, he had forgotten Usagi, nice save there. A few brush strokes later the fictitious Uchiha was added. Good, good, who else? Uchiha Shemp, Moe, Curly and Larry... Hmm... Shemp would be a very dangerous foe when the time came. Who else?

His sisters, yes. His cousins, yes. His uncles, aunts and grandparents, sure. His mother... Wait a minute, he already killed her. How silly of him, he couldn't kill someone he already killed before. Itachi crossed Uchiha Motoko off the list. If she showed up he'd just have to ignore her. Let's see... Ah, he forgot two Uchiha, that's why it felt so wrong. With another few brush strokes Uchiha Sasuke and Uchiha Madara were added to the vaulted seventh and four-hundred and sixty-eighth most dangerous targets. He nodded in satisfaction.

A stray thought about any new Uchiha born since he left was quickly silenced and ejected from his mind, via trading one of his thoughts with someone else's through the Sharingan. That always helped alleviate his guilt. Now he just needed to remember the password Orochimaru gave him to contact him from the kage box. What odd thoughts that gray-haired, glasses wearing ANBU was having.

Slap. "How dare you! Do you know how long it took me to convince myself I was capable of helping others? That I wasn't some horrible monster just because everyone said I was?"

Hmm. A lover's spat. Perhaps he should take a different rou... Ah, how fortunate. If there were bodies to dispose of, to prevent the Sharingan from spreading misery and pain as it was meant to, this was the man he needed.

"Excuse me. I wish to request a custom dish." Now what kind of food would be best? Well, he liked pocky so that was as good as any other. Besides, if the chef really was capable of making the ultimate food of any type, pocky deserved to have such perfection made of it. "I desire the ultimate Sharingan pocky. If I supply all the... parts, will you be capable of producing it and returning half to me?"

"Eh? Sharingan pocky with ramen? Sure, if you can find a Sharingan." The feared culinary expert replied easily, ignoring his female companion.

"Thank you." That was the appropriate response, right?

"Th, there are people who actually **want **you to cook?" The cat-eyed kunoichi ask in disbelief.

"Well sure, it's like nii-chan always said 'if you're going to go around senselessly killing people so they can't kill you first, you might as well get a meal out of it.'"

Feeling a certain guilty pleasure at the thought of the ninja world finally bowing down to the laws of nature, Itachi reacted as he had conditioned himself to when feeling guilt.

With a glance at the cat-eyed girl he traded out his current thought, watching curiously as her expression changed from 'oh kami that's sick' to 'I know it's wrong, but I like it'.

...Was she purring?

He, of course, couldn't begin to understand as Itachi had fought for years to be viewed as the person he was and not the Twin-Tailed Nekomata sealed within him. Hmm. He hadn't known he was a jinchuriki. But then again, his past was filled with hardships and he did surpass his peers by an almost supernatural amount... He kind of wished someone had told him this early. Oh well.

The job needed to be done and if this was how he had to dispose of the evidence, so be it. He was a ninja on a mission, outdated and counterproductive as it was.

Suddenly he spotted one. Itachi wasn't sure how Uchiha Hotaru had gone from a cute, tiny and demure little girl to a giant, paunchy and balding man, but he didn't particularly care. He had found his first target.

"Proctor, I have shown the full extent of my abilities. I decline further combat."

"Winner, Hotcha."

The booing that followed perfectly masked any noise Itachi might have made as he struck. One down, four-hundred and seven to go.

...Or something like that.

#Sasuke Vs. Kin – Kage Box#

Kakashi smirked as the match was announced. The time was now.

Obito had asked him to decipher the secrets of the Sharingan and he had done just that. It was simple really, the more detached from reality its user was, the more capable their Sharingan was of rewriting reality. Put in the most basic terms, the more insane, the more powerful. It was truly a tragedy of wasted potential that Sasuke was a relatively well-adjusted and reasonable person. If only he had directly encountered his brother just as most of his family was slain only to be trapped in a genjutsu that replayed the entire massacre hundreds of thousands of times in the span of a single second or had the entire village praise him wildly until it developed into an unreasoning superiority complex he might have been capable of so much more.

As it was he only had the basic powers or lowest level of completion, if you would. Formidable, true, yet also limited to well within the bounds of simple, if constant, training and physical conditioning for normal, non-kekkei genkai-ed ninja. Oh well, there were all kinds of chances to slowly crush his logical side and send him spiraling into an abyss of irrationality. Perhaps witnessing his teammate's death in a few tragic training accidents would be a nice start. It wasn't as if anyone would miss what's-his-name anyways.

The jounin snickered sinisterly, pretending to read Icha Icha DearS.

Sasuke stood proudly in the arena, Sharingan spinning in complete, three toma form. His opponent was clearly trying to pretend she was unimpressed, but even with her inhumanly perfect acting Kakashi saw right through her. No one could resist the Sharingan without another Sharingan. Well, except that creepy Torikesugan Obito had, but since it was a hybrid of the Sharingan with another doujutsu it accounted for the god-mod powers of an insane Sharingan user by having them built in.

He winced as Sasuke barely kept up, even with the predicting powers. There hadn't been time to make him illogical enough to predict as far ahead as he needed, as opposed to reading a preset split second forward. The girl was faster than Kakashi anticipated, it seemed. That knocked out the trip her, sprawling her over his lap and spanking her into submission before she could react, but luckily enough Kakashi had the forethought to create a few back-up plans. If only she had been a genjutsu type, then Kakashi could be savoring a reenactment of chapter 6 from Icha Icha Rosario right now.

Why, he could visualize it. She had the proper body-type to play the blue-haired succubus and after talking Sasuke into the need of powerful breeder kunoichi to build up his clan stronger than ever before... Well, that and reassuring him that she wasn't going to geld him once he finished. Ah yes, he could practically hear the sound of a swift hand slapping well-formed, feminine buttocks, complete with the minute whimperings and groans that followed each, masterfully pleasurable blow.

Oh, that was her shin impacting his student's body. And that one was a foot. Now a palm. Hmm. Sasuke appeared to be failing despite the awesome power of a Sharingan. But how could that be? Kakashi knew the approximate limits of his own and Sasuke wasn't that much saner than he was... right? Perhaps he actually had required some physical conditioning after all. Heh, hindsight.

He'd just have to deal with Obito afterwards.

#Sasuke Vs. Kin#

Sasuke was not having a good day. The first match of the tournament had gone perfectly, just like he and sensei had planned, but this girl... She was better than he'd thought even with Lee and Kiba's warnings. With the incredible, bruising power of each blow and her impractically high agility this was likely to turn out as his first fight with Lee had.

A partial block sent bone-jarring pain shooting up his arm. An attempt to evade caused friction burns from a slight graze. And trying to counter saw an almost bone breaking strike land on his calf. Yet, so far, she hadn't really aimed for a vital or knock out blow, being content to rain her attacks on his arms and legs, with only occasional snipes at his head and ribs.

She was playing with him, dragging this out to make him look bad or herself look better.

Regardless that was going to be her downfall. In a swift, skilled shift of stance he was no longer using the intercepting fist, but instead imitating her own fighting style, having seen quite a bit of it during his beating. This startled her enough to let him land a hit of his own, though only to her shoulder. He then broke their close proximity and hurled a storm of shurikens and ninja wire in her general direction to at least limit her mobility. Kakashi-sensei's plan called for a different use of the wire, but it looked unlikely now.

Somehow, though, he really did catch her, spread-eagling her in mid-air, bound in wire that would dice her to pieces if she moved. He hesitated.

After all the grace and speed she had displayed, something felt wrong about her being caught so easily. That and he really didn't want to go through with sensei's plan. Unfortunately his eyes showed no genjutsu, though her smirk told him it was a trap of some kind.

Acting quickly to prevent her from escaping, he shoved her torso forwards so she was leaning over, before flipping up the immodest skirt of her kimono, exposing pale, curved flesh and the small, orange piece of fabric nestled between.

She wiggled in her bonds, unhappy and trying to glare at him. "H-hey! What the hell are you doing?"

Sasuke couldn't remember the line of dialogue sensei had told him to say, so instead he started running through the motions. ...Fondle, fondle.

"You bastard, let go of me. Stop that!"

He was suppose to say something about master and obedience, but even with that in mind, the lines just wouldn't come to him. ...Smack. Smack.

"I'll kill you!"

He hoped his silence wasn't going to ruin sensei's plan... Whatever it was. ...And then, gently tug down the thong before resuming the spanking...

Without his Sharingan activated there was no way for Sasuke to react as part of his victim turned into wooden planks and stretched at him, slamming into his nose with more force than any of her previous attacks. He managed, with a flip, to land on his feet, watching in fascination as the kunoichi pulled an arm free of the ninja wire, shredding it into bits of wood and rupturing the transformation around that arm. A few simple swats weren't going to disspell a clone made of solid material after all.

"Die!" The wood clone shouted, charging with a splintery stump lashing out in front of her. He dodged, barely and countered by spewing a few, minor fireballs. This in turn created a flaming wood clone, which still chased after him until it burned down to ashes.

"You bastard!" The voice of his opponent roared from the other end of the field.

Whipping his head around, he caught sight of her just in time to see her begin a series of handsigns. Naturally he copied her.

Vines shot from the ground around him as they both finished, though nothing appeared to happen to her. The tendrils wasted no time in wrapping around him and constricting in, trying to squeeze the life out of him. Genjutsu. He knew this was a genjutsu, he'd even seen this exact one before and escaped from it. So why... Why were the vines still there? Why was it getting so hard to breath...

Was this... was this real?

He passed out from lack of air as the proctor called the match, the jounin of Konoha as a whole disquieted as many recognized a legendary jutsu of their founder for what it was, each having met Tenzo at least once before.

To have an over-breasted little genin from sound display such jutsu...

It took four jounin to keep her from killing Sasuke that day, but none of them could stop the vow to hunt him down, along with every member of his family, and make him pay for this outrage even if it killed her.

And then blissful blushing fantasies while thinking about sensei watching her match and perhaps, if he was angled right, getting a peek of... With one hand covering her bleeding nose, Kin darted for a bathroom.

#Stadium: Section Two Seating#

Ino felt slightly sick after having watched Sasuke's second match. To see him attempt to rape an enemy kunoichi in front of a crowd and then remember that she had been chasing after him all this time...

The poor girl was so distraught that even though she won, she had immediately darted off to be alone.

Ino was just glad Sakura wasn't here to see this.

#Shinji Vs. Hinata – Stadium: Private Hyuga Seating#

Hanabi was not happy. This wasn't unusual per say, she had generally been unhappy in one form or another since the age of two, but it was more pronounced than it ever had been before. After having witnessed the abilities Hinata showed against the sound bone-user, it became clear that her dear sister had been holding back when fighting Hanabi herself. Or even Neji and Father. Holding back a lot.

In a way she was grateful, her sister's now apparent unwillingness to harm family and friends had been protecting Hanabi from being casted down to a serving girl for years and by now her training would at least prevent her from falling that low. But then her inborn Hyuga pride reared its head, pissed beyond all measure at the fact that Hinata thought she couldn't handle the full breadth of her elder sister's skills. She couldn't, of course, but Hinata hardly even displayed a fraction of the potential she'd shown in the first round. Thrown on top of that was fear. Fear of being placed in the branch house anyway, fear for her sister suffering the same fate and fear that her sister wouldn't survive this event.

Her opponent hadn't shown any of his abilities yet, at least not to this audience, yet the Nara had clearly put some thought and apprehension into forfeiting. The Kusa-nin may not look like much, but his teammate was certainly skilled enough to put faith into their jounin-sensei's teaching abilities. Besides, no matter how convincing from a distance, only up close could you even hope to tell a true weakling from a skilled actor, something any given shinobi should be in theory. Yes, Hanabi was worried for her sister, win or loss.

And then there was the man who was suppose to be her father. Maybe he even had been at one point, though now was little more than a pompous ass who was so self-absorbed with duty and prestige that the closest she could ever feel towards him was 'fellow main house Hyuga'. Often, once she realized he was the one driving her from her own sister, Hanabi thought of him as less than that. Fortunately the mostly emotionless, but slightly angry expression he caused in her was passable as a haughty, too-good-for-this Hyuga face so even though he was sitting next to her he was unlikely to be a threat.

The match started on an unexpected note, Hinata's opponent cowering as she closed on him with a killing strike aimed to end the fight in a single blow. When her alarmingly fast sister was within a scant five feet, the Kusa-nin reacted.

Bending and twisting in an unnaturally animalistic dodge, the shinobi landed in an awkward looking crouch, similar to what Hanabi would expect from a transformed Inuzuka. He growled and roared spectacularly, throwing out a cloud of chakra and undefined, but bloodthirsty intent strong enough to be felt even from her current distance. Hinata flinched at the malevolence, but the male ninja simply eyed her warily, human rational clearly absence from his eyes.

"Flinching from a mere genin's killing intent. How weak she still proves to be." Hiashi intoned arrogantly from beside his daughter, drawing her attention briefly, though her eyes remained on the match. "Still, it is fortunate that her opponent is a berserker. Once in a combat haze there is little a Jyuuken strike can do to stop, or even limit him. It seems I will get to banish her to the branch house sooner than anticipated."

Hinata shifted her stance, just a twitch of her left foot really, cuing the observing enemy to leap at her, monstrous intentions radiating from him. The kunoichi managed one grazing poke to the shinobi's side while receiving a similar graze that sliced open her jacket sleeve as she slid backwards.

"I see now. Lacking the competence to properly perform a Kaiten, she perverted the axis spin to create a sliding movement technique. Hmph, foolish girl, perhaps some time among the janitorial staff will show her the error of corrupting the Jyuuken."

The Hyuga competitor evaded frantically, trying to break from her enemy and get just enough room to think. The Kusa-nin, in contrast, was a savage, relentless force of nature, tearing through all obstacles and terrain in a narrow, yet futile, race to kill the pale-eyed girl. Suddenly switching to an offensive, and perhaps realizing Jyuuken strikes weren't slowing him down like they should as she accumulated more in exchange for reducing her coat to tattered rags, the girl stabbed in with a kunai.

"To use a weapon hand to hand in combination with the noble Jyuuken... Criminal, she shall be punished severely for this. Hmm, she did wish to be a mother one day and as a ninja she is of age. The branch house does lose member with some frequency. Yes, there hasn't been an appointed breeder kunoichi among them in decades. The elders will doubtlessly be pleased." Hiashi pondered, forcing Hanabi to spare a glance at him, just in case he was trying to tell a bad, poorly thought-out and foul joke.

He wasn't.

The kunai missed, striking the dirt as Hinata stumbled into a barely existent guard. The earth, naturally, exploded beneath the fighters' feet.

"I see her deviances know no limits. Channeling the Jyuuken through a weapon, thoughtful. Yes, almost clever. If she wasn't trying to use such a barbaric technique in front of the public it would almost be praise worthy. Perhaps I can trick someone into purchasing her as a sterile concubine? The sterilization would only take a few 'accidental' Jyuuken strikes... Yes, it's for the best."

Hanabi said nothing, but shivered mutedly at the thought of such a horrible fate being decided for anyone just for trying their best.

The berserker weaved into the Hyuga's guard, twisting unnaturally again to land a knee on the girl's face, followed quickly by a backhand to her waist and finally a heel-drop to the back of her head. He roared in victory, preparing to savage the unconscious body of the defeated, teeth baring down towards her exposed and defenseless throat.

And suddenly he sprayed blood from his nose and fell back, turning into the same wimpy creature he'd been before the match started.

"Ah, wonderful timing. I shall have to perform the sealing immediately, as a statement to the public that such failures among the Hyuga are not permitted. You may continue to observe the exam with your branch house escorts if you wish, daughter."

Hanabi felt like crying, she was so revolted by her genetic father's acts. But in reality all she could do for now was bare it and hope that either something happened to save her sister or that she could undo the damage once she was the clanhead. Assuming Hiashi-teme didn't foist her off and set about making a new heir.

#Generic Vs. Hotcha#

"What, you expect me to fight a guy?"

#Land Of Snow#

Koyuki stared impassively at the frozen wreckage of her uncle's dirigible. The area around the smashed airship was littered with kunai and an almost endless assortment of bones in all shapes and sizes, most modeled after weapons.

"Here Kazahana-hime, this is what he was so obsessed over." One of the faceless commoners shouted, waving her over to an alter sitting on a pillar of ice. "He spent months having this dug out of the ice and had that damn airship hovering over it all the time. I don't..."

Koyuki silenced him with a gesture, examining the odd piece of technology in front of her. The dial, it almost looked like... Taking off her necklace she placed it carefully into the niche. "The ninja who defeated my uncle, where are they now?"

"We don't know, Kazahana-hime. They just sort of wandered in, asked where to find ninja wearing chakra armor and left shortly after destroying the airship." The peasant answered.

Koyuki scowled and slowly turned the dial.

With an incredible mechanical whir the field shattered and the sky split, spilling heat and light through the area. While her followers panicked Koyuki stared on emotionlessly, her mask melting moment by moment as memories returned to her and the land of snow was laggardly transformed into the land of spring. All this time, her parents had meant...

She quickly covered her mouth with both hands to prevent the sob from being heard as tears flowed from her eyes. Once the transition was complete she composed herself, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand.

She turned to face her aides, knowledge of what must be done driving her on. A nation without a true ninja force could be easily overrun. There was only one course of action. "Bring me the ninja who defeated my uncle. Offer him whatever he desires, just bring him here. I must meet this Zaku."

The nervous commoner bowed and fled as the rest of Koyuki's escort closed in to lead her back to the capital.

How does one secure a powerful ninja clan to protect their legacy? Perhaps it was time to consider producing an heir...

#Konoha Arena#

"I'm not fighting anything with dangly parts. I quit!"

#Generic Vs. Shinji#

"I, I can do this... I mustn't run away, mustn't... run..." Shinji toppled over as Rei chopped the back of his neck lightly.

"Between the damage suffered against the Hyuga and the method of achieving a berserker state, another battle at the moment would prove fatal. Rest." The albino ordered, gently picking up her unconscious teammate and stalking towards the medics.

#Kage Box Entrance#

Two ANBU moved towards the guards at the same time.

"Captain, someone's slaughtering every Uchiha over the age of nine and stealing their bodies!" One declared, clearly worried.

"Gather the anti-Itachi squad. We always knew this day would come." The lead guard replied, giving a powerful and dramatic waving gesture with his arms. "We'll scour the entire village if we have to!"

"Ahem. I need to speak with Otokage-sama." The other newly arrived ANBU said.

"Password." Another masked guard asked, bored.

"'Perhaps I should also slay those Uchiha born since I was last here as well. Yes, that's for the best.'" The gray-haired, glasses wearing ANBU said, using Itachi's body language, inflections and dour, expressionless monotone.

Luckily for everyone who isn't Kabuto, ANBU have unbelievably accurate memories, even capable, some claimed, of recalling things after being reincarnated. They would naturally remember subtle clues about a man they worked closely with and under for years. Without knowing it, Kabuto did a flawless, spot on Itachi impression, almost like he was reading the man's mind.

"It's Itachi! He's after the Hokage!"

"Get reinforcements now! Every unit is to rendezvous on my position ASAP!"

"He's trying to escape! After him!"

#Generic Vs. Kin#

"Bleh. I'm not fighting someone like that, sensei already warned us about bland things and after the Uchiha beating down a ninja that didn't fight a single battle is kind of pointless. I forfeit." Kin declared loudly, taking a brief break between riding out a fantasy scenario in the bathroom and seeking out her sensei to see if the fantasy could be applied in real life. A thin stream of blood dribbled from one nostril before being wiped away.

#Stadium: Section Six Seating#

"Dammit! There isn't going to be a final match, move, move, move! We're already out of time to set things up and... what's with all these feathers?"

"Oh, Tobi recognizes this! Pick me sempai, pick me! Tobi knows the answer!"

"They aren't falling asleep, get them!" A few audience members who were still awake shouted, shedding their disguises to reveal painfully plain Suna and Oto-nin outfits.

"We don't have time for this, get to the arena floor! Tobi, take them out and meet us down there."

"Yes leader-dono! Yay! Now Tobi is sure to be praised! But first..." The man in a orange mask with a single eye-hole said, reaching into his red and black cloak. "Tobi must draw his weapon." With a single tug various laws of physics were shattered as the mask shinobi drew a massive bazooka-like object from his robes, the device easily measuring one and a half times his size. "Yay land-shark gun!" The gigantic weapon spat out a single blue blob, about the size of a kunai, landing less than ten feet away in a slow, lazy arch.

The other ninja paused in confusion to glance at each other. What was this lunatic...

And then a great-white burst from the concrete stadium floor and closed its jaws on Akuma, shaking him back and forth before pulling him down beneath the surface of the surprisingly malleable floor.

Their attention was instantly back on the mask cyclopes as a gleam of mania shone from his eye. "Tobi should say something cool here, but Tobi can't think of anything."

#Author's Notes#

I do apologize if this seems random at all, but there is truly is no hard-copy of a plan, just a collection of loose notes, ideas and 'hey won't this scene be cool?' moments. I will promise that any OC villains will not be the mindlessly overpowered, out-of-freaking-no-where, that's-not-what-he-was-limited-to-a-minute-ago, generic evil purpose types. They might be one, two or even three of those, but not all four. They will, in fact, be stolen. I point this out because, to me, the only thing that kills interest in a story faster is a one sentence opening scene followed by a multi-paragraph flashback.

You might have noticed, but I don't use many flashbacks and certainly not frequently. This is because I hate them. No, seriously, they are among the most misused, improperly understood tools in a writer's arsenal. You never, never, **NEVER** have a flashback in the prologue and shouldn't have one within the first few chapters at all unless they're really short or so absolutely vital that the story will collapse without them. And if the flashback is absolutely necessary in the prologue, then make the flashback a 'X years ago' entry and then start the story in the 'present' in the next chapter/after a time skip. Or chop off the single sentence intro and just go. Or, throw it out completely. People can infer past events from what's said in the present you know.

The worst by far are the single-sentence,-multi-paragraph-flashback,-single-sentence,-multi-paragraph-flashback,-single-sentence,-you-get-the-fucking-point-by-now chapters that require a separate flashback for each event. Mesh them down to one goddamn-that's-long flashback instead of throwing in random, pointless, 'and X felt such and such' sentences in the middle of it.

And now I'm toying with explaining Obito's past by having him look out a window and #flashback#, 'but he hadn't been happy even with that', #flashback#, 'and then when they met up with sensei again', #flashback#, in a few chapters just to poke fun at this after the fact. I should warn you, some of it I don't really know yet.

Though, incidentally, I do know, more or less, who will be in the harem and in some cases I really feel it would ruin the surprise. I'm trying to set up reasons and explanations behind their behavior, as totally bizarre as that sounds after how everything else has been thrown together, but I really do like to have things explained in story and not in post-notes.

Those are for ranting.

My Sharingan is totally canon! Take Sasuke for example; only as he loses his mind does his Sharingan develop and suddenly manifest more powers. His behavior is not that of a logical, well thought-out or balanced person. Neither is Itachi's or Madara/Tobi, who is by far both the most messed up and more powerful Sharingan users. Kakashi is limited by both his lack of genetic predisposition towards insanity and the fact that he reasons things out in a semi-plausible fashion.

Brief note, I have always held that since he failed twice, Naruto is two years older than the other rookie nine, hence he is fourteen, going on fifteen within X months at this point in the story, as is his sister.

And yes, I know Motoko is not Itachi's mother's name. I used it as a way of showing just how messed up he was.

Ha ha, holy crap finals slowed me down. It's been a rough three weeks and I've only barely pulled through. Well, in my mind anyway, on paper it might look different.

Well that and Fable 2.

I actually wrote Hinata's scenes last. For some reason they just refused to flow like the rest of it. Writing-wise anyway.

And then when I went to post this earlier, as in two days ago, but the document manager was down, ain't that a kick?

A story isn't posted here to be read, it's posted here to justify the extremely long author's notes.

Please, take nothing I say in an AN seriously. Moving on.

Pocky – Typically a pretzel or dried bread stick dipped in chocolate or other flavorings... Typically. Having finally conceded that pan is bread in all forms, why have him make pocky?

Torikesugan – Canceling eye. I was going to use negating, but there isn't an equivalent word that translates the idea well enough. Or if there is I couldn't find it.


	8. Escape Of Sashimi With Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

Chapter Eight: Escape Of The Ultimate Sashimi With Ramen

#Pre-Note#

Plot? I had a plot? Phef, someone hasn't been reading the author's notes.

#Totaling Up The Sides#

When the ninja in red and black, cloud covered cloaks took the field everyone in the kage box, for one reason or another, knew something very bad was about to happen. The ten of them had leapt down from various points out of the audience as a sleep genjutsu claimed the crowd of civilians around them. Ten of them, five kage with one personal bodyguard each. A theoretically even fight.

Being the most obliged to face them, this being their home territory and their murdered nondescript newly-minted chunin, luck being a large part of a shinobi career after all, the two Hokage dived to the arena floor, standing staunch and determined in the face of these enemies. Seeing his only potential escape in this situation, given the need of his ring, the Otokage soon followed to stand beside his old teacher, grudging and unhappy. After a confused moment the Kazekage's attention was suddenly focused on one specific red and black forms. With an angry growl, he too leapt down to stand astride with his peers.

The Ame-gashira frowned and downed the rest of his bottle before pulling the tube from his nose and donning a massive rebreather mask, his medi-nin nurse fretting unhappily. A muttering from her boss silenced her. "Ku-ha. So the boy is still alive. Seras, stay here. Ku-ha. Assist only those on our side when wounded. We don't need your blood-thirst creating another incident. Ku-ha." With that command Hanzo, the salamander sennin plummeted lazily to the floor below, eyes locked on the shinobi who had challenged him for Amegakure all those years ago.

But the nine from the kage box weren't the only ones to storm the field and stand against the red-on-black clad super ninja. From another section of the audience a large man with spiky white hair, dressed in green merchant clothes landed, along with the much more graceful arrival of a red-haired woman in a white kimono.

Opposite them, approaching from the competitor waiting area, came two jounin-sensei, the rest having moved to quell the Uzu, Oto and Suna-nin wreaking havoc in the surrounding area. One was short, blond and wore the symbol of rain along with a red coat. The other was orange-haired and wore a simpler outfit consisting of ninja-pants, a chunin vest and a face mask.

Shrugging at the tension, this last addition drew a storage scroll from a vest pocket and was soon sporting a giant knife and skillet on his back.

For an odd moment he regarded his patrons, one on both sides before settling on the Otokage's side. While slightly confused by the now two-eyed former cyclopes' presence, along with the fact that he had replaced his empty socket with an eye exactly like the other one, it didn't really effect him much.

Both groups prepared for combat, some of the cloaked ones even removing the flowing things to show what they wore underneath, how ever little or much that might be.

Suddenly one of the Akatsuki ninja, carrying a massive metal barrel shaped thing and wearing numerous belts that hid everything beneath them, turned towards another with a large bundle of bandages on his. "Kisame-sempai, Tobi has run out of ammo. Could you please help Tobi by-"

The larger shinobi promptly grabbed the metal barrel thing and smashed it before punching his ally in the face. Well, mask really, but there was probably a face under it. Somewhere.

#The Battle Begins#

Hmm... Let's see. What a selection, how could he possibly decide?

Well, the puppet, sewn together guy and the one with the scythe all looked to have something very wrong with them. Probably some sort of paths to immortality like Orochi-datesha, and just as revolting. The scythe one was totally stagnant, the puppet was made of wood, as puppets tended to be, and the last one was so muddled together the only possible use would be as mystery meat. No way of knowing what to make of him.

As for the others... The guy with the concentric circles of gray for eyes seemed special, but also had a sort of 'more than one body' feel that Naruto couldn't pin down. It wasn't the same as the sewn together guy, in that he had a clear feel and flavor to his specific body, but he wasn't going to chance it until he knew more. The two kunoichi he couldn't come up with anything specific for either, as one felt... papery and the other one he couldn't even look at without his mind drifting to naughty, non-recipe related things.

That left the clay-user, who was definitely meant to be spicy, the orange-masked guy, sweets, definitely sweets and the tall gray-ish blue fish-guy. That other one, Itachi, was at least temporarily off the menu thanks to ordering and supplying the ingredients for 'Sharingan pocky with ramen'. Odd that he never considered making doujutsu into pocky before, but when one sees genius at work one should accept and learn from it.

Of course, as per the guy's request, he hadn't actually made it yet, needing time to assemble the other perfect ingredients to make the best pocky with ramen ever. He was so grateful for the praise and challenge.

Hey, wait a second, that fish guy was hiding his chakra, but he still matched everyone else. He was hiding a lot of chakra... A lot... Wow...

And in that instant Naruto knew exactly what was on the menu today, the ultimate sashimi with ramen. Wiping drool form his bottom lip while staring sightlessly at the ultimate sashimi with ramen, Naruto drew his skillet and charged, absolutely blind to everything else going on around him.

#Kushina Vs. Kekko – The Things I Do To Keep Jiraiya Alive#

"So hey, how about some grappling?" Jiraiya asked, nose dripping blood as he approached his desired advisory, hands groping the air in front of him suggestively.

"Perverted old man. The easiest enemy to deal with. When will I get a real challenge?" Kekko countered, lazily spinning her flail while standing in a suggestive pose, parts of her bobbling with the motions of her arm. She suddenly leapt towards him, legs spread as she lashed straight downward to cleave his head in half.

The toad sennin could only gape and stare, and was likely to bleed to death on the spot whether she hit him or not. But at the last possible second, he was saved.

"Jiraiya!" Flying kick to the skull. Kushina landed on one side of Kekko as the perverted sage crashed and skidded to a halt opposite her. "You useless pervert! Go fight one of the others."

"But, but..." Jiraiya murmured pleadingly as Kekko absently took on a hurt and embarrassed pose, mumbling about being seen and chastity and never becoming a bride.

"Idiot, even if it's how you want to die you still promised Tatsumaki you'd find her brother." Kushina glared, ignoring the stacked, nude woman between them. "And you are going to find Naruto. I won't let you die before then."

Seeing how the redhead's eyes were glinting again Jiraiya grumbled but fled.

"Hmm. You're going to be a challenge alright. I'm guessing repressed widow who never found a man good enough for her after her husband died. I'm also going to guess that you didn't look very hard or into anything... Mmm, odd. Yes, a challenge, but we're going to have such fun aren't we nee-chan?" Kekko declared, prompting a growing dread in Kushina's stomach.

"You're a Katsuragi... aren't you?" Kushina asked as a courtesy, already knowing and fearing the answer.

"Outcast, but with kekkei genkai and all." A presenting gesture left no doubt as to what 'all' included and sent a few, noticeably large parts of 'all' jiggling fetchingly. "Kekko Katsuragi, or as the world now knows me; Kekko Kamen!"

Scowling in disgust and dread, Kushina drew a katana from out of nowhere. Provided nowhere is a storage seal hidden on the inner hem of her kimono. "Jiraiya had better appreciate this."

"Mmm, but you're the one who's going to have a good time." Kekko responded, twirling her flail again.

Kushina just looked ill.

#Kisame Vs. Naruto – Sa-shi-mi!#

Kisame had his target lock in. He'd faced down the Kaguya before and fighting their prodigy had long been a dream of his, until the man disappeared some years ago. Why, he'd even keep himself from using Samehada's special ability to drag the fight out, it wasn't like he needed to hurry.

He grinned happily, eager for a good fight between two kenjutsu masters, each testing the upper limits of their skills. If the legendary bone-master was a great enough foe, why he might even not chop off the man's legs, so they could fight again some time down the road. World domination tended to make the strongest in the land clash until there was only one side left, after all.

"Kimimaro!" The shark-man roared, swinging his blade in a grand, downward arch that few shinobi were capable of performing. Due to bulk and weight, mostly.

The pale man evaded smoothly, an annoyed look gracing his face as he sized up his enemy. "Kisame of the seven swordsman. I do not have time to deal with you now, Orochimaru-sama-"

"Heh heh heh." The Arlong-wannabe chuckled, changing his grip and sweeping the massive blade in a horizontal cleave, narrowly putting a nick in the rope obi the Kaguya was wearing. "And what makes you think you'll be-"

"Sashimi!" With that simple, bizarre battle cry the fishy one was suddenly on the defensive, a giant battle skillet, wreathed in chakra flames, trying to crack open his skull like an egg.

With a sideways bat of Samehada the cooking implement glancing off in a shower of sparks as the texture failed to damage the pan and the flames failed to turn the sword to slag. Kisame was moderately impressed that the skillet wielder, some orange-haired kid with a mask, chunin vest and loose black pants, rolled aside from the thrust that should have skewered him without coming within a foot of the shark-skinned blade. High jounin level then, at the least.

"Very well, deal with Kisame as you see fit, Naruto-san. I will assist Orochimaru-sama." Kimimaro stated blandly, rushing away towards his master again.

"Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever." Naruto mumbled back, eyes locked on Kisame, waiting and watching for any moment of weakness or hesitation.

"Hey, you can't go!" Kisame shouted, offended.

His distraction was capitalized on by a surprise assault on his left arm, which was the weakest point in his defense. Kisame was a powerful and well-trained shinobi, so it was perfectly reasonable to believe that he would react in someway to any attack on his person. Expected even. His sword sprayed out sparks again as it ground against the bottom of his enemy's weapon, a desperate and under-prepared attempt to deflect the blow.

As the burning weapon slipped to one side and missed it's target, the chef wielding it flowed forward and to the side, whirling in place as contact was lost to bring the deadly frying pan to bare again, this time as a swat, without missing a beat. The shark sidestepped away, suffering only the slightest chakra burns from a near grazing.

Something was off with his enemy's movement. One moment the skillet-user was a notch behind in speed, the next he was just barely even. Hmph, one of those annoying 'let's build up so they can't guess our limit' types. He hated them, a real shinobi was meant to kill instantly, a real fighter was suppose to go all out from the start. Only the weak used tricks like that.

"Hmm..." Naruto drew Santoku with his left hand. "That's a strange sword. It's pretty tough, but it doesn't look like it cuts. No, no, that texture's all wrong for that, be hard as hell to get a clean chop in. Gouging maybe? And whys it cycling chakra to you and back again?"

Kisame frowned, taking a hand off the hilt to use a series of half-signs. "Like I'd tell you, runt!"

The shark-ish one opened his mouth, spitting out an unusually large shark composed of pure water.

To fully understand what follows, one must first know the nature of hand-signs. They aren't so much pre-set and required for jutsu, but rather a means of molding chakra into rough patterns easily and quickly to get desired effects with both less effort and concentration needed. Each village, when teaching academy students to access their chakra also teach them the hand-signs and attach purposes or emotions to them. Konoha-nin use the tiger sign for fire, because they are taught to subconsciously associate the hand-sign with a 'burning ferocity' and as a result 'flex' their chakra in a way that summons or supports fire when making that hand-sign.

Indeed, what made the Sharingan so remarkable was not so much the ability to copy the hand-signs an enemy makes, something a typical ninja should be able to do if they really tried, but instead to copy both the hand-signs and how it molds their chakra. Each village teaches at least slightly different variations of the core six hand-signs and more wildly divergent versions of any other ones, making simply imitating an opponent's jutsu more likely to twist your chakra into a suicidally draining variation by trying to bull through the differences in molding.

Zetsu, who many didn't even want near civilians, let alone children, did not know this. As he never received a teaching job, especially not a genin team, there was no need for him to know. From this, his training of Naruto resulted in a total inability to utilize conventional nin and genjutsu as there was no symbolic importance or emotional significance given to any combination of finger arrangements, meaning that when he made a hand-sign, the chakra didn't really mold.

However, hand-signs weren't a necessity if you had a strong enough affinity, familiarity, focus or a specific sealing array. Seals, unlike hand-signs, were consistent and constant everywhere, being something like cheat-codes Kami-sama put in so that any Yggdrasil agents could access their powers without disrupting the balance of the world with their mana. Human seals were basic, low level programs, capable of doing several minor or simple tasks if properly powered. Unknown to most, they were just shapes, whether ink on paper or a furrow dug into the earth, it was the shape and power that mattered, not the material it was made with.

Sheathing Santoku and lashing out with chakra strings, Naruto formed a seal in mid-air before him, invisible to the naked eye. It was a skill that took a lot of patience and control to learn and without much time for preparation only the most basic of basic ninja abilities could be performed in any reasonable amount of time. On the bright side, there was absolutely no chakra wasted as the seal took very exact measures and the applications weren't nearly as limited as hand-signs versions.

Poof, Naruto and the water-shark traded places, suddenly putting the chef in arms reach of his opponent with no real warning. A close swipe sent the front of the shark-man's cloak ablaze with skillet burns. The sharky fellow leapt backwards, swinging his sword in an attempt to gain some breathing room.

#Hanzo Vs. Pein – Ku-Ha.#

Now wearing his rebreather mask, Hanzo stepped slow and deliberately to stand before the orange-haired, gray-eyed shinobi clad in red and black robes. "Ku-ha. Ku-ha. So. We meet again." The rebreather made his normal, crotchety old-man voice transform into a deep and fundamentally threatening undertone. Not to mention that it allowed him to ditch the hideously unwieldy oxygen tank for a while. If only it didn't require so much chakra to function at combat capacity.

"You... this time I'll make sure you die." Was all the Rinnegan user said, summoning his six extra bodies in poofs of ninja smoke.

"Ku-ha. I have heard your version of events and now you will hear mine. Ku-ha. Ku-ha. Both of the 'parents' you lost were among my most loyal and powerful shinobi, put there specifically to protect something very valuable to me. Ku-ha. Something I started that war to defend. They attacked not because they thought the shinobi were attacking them, but to protect the location of my most gifted son from potential spies. Ku-ha. Ku-ha. The son I had put under their protection in secret, to shield him from the war to come." Hanzo declared clearly over the sporadic explosions and violence surrounding them.

Pein hesitated, backpedaling in confusion. "But the only child living there was..."

"Ku-ha. Correct. Ku-ha. Ku-ha. Nagato, I am your true father. Ku-ha." An ominous dark aura manifested around Hanzo's body as he stepped slowly closer to his long-lost son.

"You, you can't be! They told me you killed him. It was your fault!" Pein screamed back in defiance, his human path lashing out wildly and missing.

"Ku-ha. Ku-ha. Search your feeling. You know it to be true. Ku-ha. I am a direct descendant of the Rikudo Sennin, which in turn makes you the same. Ku-ha."

"No, no. I'll never accept you as my father! Never! Jiraiya was more of a father than you ever were!" The deva and petra paths added their own offensive, still narrowly missing the great salamander sage.

"Ku-ha. The perverted toad? No matter. Ku-ha. That is fine. There is no reason for me to hold back any longer then. Ku-ha. The only thing I truly want from you is what is rightfully mine anyways. Ku-ha. I am the god of ninja, the most powerful to stand in our world to date. Ku-ha. Why should I languish as an ordinary shinobi when by right of inheritance I should have the most powerful kekkei genkai in the world? Ku-ha?"

All seven versions of Pein paused and looked at Hanzo in disbelief.

"Ku-ha. What? Ku-ha."

"You, you aren't my father."

"Ku-ha. Of course I am. Ku-ha. Now be a good boy like your orange masked friend and give daddy your eyes. Ku-ha." With that Hanzo's eyes transformed, the right eye becoming four rings, one of yellow, one of pink, one of orange and one of green. The left warped into the stylized toma of a fully mastered Sharingan. "Ku-ha. While it allowed me to steal the chakra of a dying demon in my youth, it doesn't prevent that same chakra from constantly damaging and healing me. Ku-ha. With a complete Rinnegan, I'll finally be able get rid of all the blood in my lungs. I'll be more powerful than ever before, isn't that wonderful son? Ku-ha. Now let me show you what inspired the Rasengan." With that Hanzo closed one hand as though holding a sword, only to have a glowing, noisy blade of pure, yet perfectly shaped, dark red chakra form, extending roughly three and a half feet from his grip upon it.

Pein gaped, his ashura path grabbing him as they spread apart to avoid the Ame-gashira as he flew forward, the dark red chakra blade whirling dangerously around to chop everything it touched into molten halves.

#Jiraiya Vs. Itachi – But Not Really#

"So... Still haven't found Naruto?" Jiraiya asked, walking up towards his new opponent.

"The child is most elusive, it's likely the kyuubi is aware of us and has been assisting in his continued escape from notice." Itachi replied blandly, Sharingan watching as Kakuzu tried to kill the most expensive man present, the Sandaime Hokage. And not a single skill displayed a hijutsu either. Well, other than Enma, but now that he knew he contained the nibi there were already plans running through his head. If the Sharingan could make the kyuubi dance on the strings of a human, why couldn't it also externalize a contained, lesser biju and transform it into an indestructible staff of variable size? The answer was of course, because Itachi hadn't tried to yet.

The white-haired man sighed. "I told you, I checked the seal personally, there is no way for the Kyuubi to get free within half a century at least."

"Then whoever is responsible is a force of such uncompromising stealth that we may very well never find him. Leader-dono has become convinced the only method to conceal someone so thoroughly is available to major ninja villages and any of those would be totting their new weapon by now. The only explanations I can think of are that he has become something completely unrelated to the ninja world, and as such is totally invisible. Like an average farmer or something." Why a staff though? From the look of things staffs required far too much physical effort for his liking. Maybe one of those devices Tobi kept summoning, a... what was it? Gun?

"Heh, never gonna happen. He's got Kushina's and Minato's blood in him. One's guaranteed to keep him above 'average' no matter what he does, the other's so fiery he'd be running off on adventures without a backwards glance."

"Then he has either perished or been spirited out beyond the realm of the elemental nations. There is also the possibility that he is being held prisoner by a group unaware of his true nature. Orochimaru's experiments come to mind." Yes, a gun. He'd name it Rushina. Or maybe Ryoko. Ah, why not both? The demon did have two tails after all. And why did he have an urge to reread Icha Icha Grenadier?

"Doubt it's the first one, no way the gaki's dead. For the rest of it... I guess we'll have to start freeing up prisoners then. With the number of bases and labs out there... Heh, just Orochimaru's will take years to sift through... Come on, we've been sitting here too long, someone will get suspicious if we aren't fighting soon."

"Doubtful, they are all under one of my genjutsu, seeing only a sixty-eight second loop of the last time we fought. Excuse me, I must save Pein-san now."

Jiraiya sighed disquieted as his subordinate left. "Naruto... Where are you?"

Oh well, better go help his old sensei then. Stupid brat couldn't be in any more danger than he'd been since he went missing after all.

#Still Kisame Vs. Naruto#

Kisame grunted in annoyance, dousing himself in water to put out the blaze his cloak became upon direct contact with the demon chef's pan. He knew now that he had made a terrible mistake, thinking his opponent was simply speeding up little by little. Well, he was, but that wasn't all that was happening, as he moved faster and faster, it still looked and even sounded like he was moving at the same speed he'd started at. Hell, the bastard was even making his chakra feel like it was moving that slow and that took some skill.

Skill at genjutsu. Normally that wasn't a very big deal for him, most genjutsu of that type were placed on the target, screwing with just them. The problem, or in his case saving grace, of these was that it was the jutsu-caster's chakra control versus the target's chakra volume. Someone with too much chakra could simply flood their network, destroying the little hitches others put there. Someone with too little would just have the tweaks slide off with no real effect as the genjutsu wouldn't have the same support the user expected.

There were, however, genjutsu that targeted the user and radiated outward, making everyone see/feel/hear the same thing. Harder to disspell but generally confined to disguises and decoys as everyone includes friends, enemies, by-standers and self. Only this guy didn't react or move like he was under the same effects and if anyone knew the signs, it was the shark-ed swordsman.

So either the guy had been fighting under the effects so long he instinctively compensated, was actually blind, deaf and chakra insensitive or he had some sort of unbeatable genjutsu kekkei genkai, like true illusions or trickster spirit magic. Hmph, more expected from the guy possessed by a tanuki than the one that ran around eating people.

Kisame had no doubts there were stealth genjutsu on him too, given the way he seemed to pop out of nowhere whenever the shark-man gained a bit of distance. And without being able to break them in a surge, this had become a much more Itachi or Sasori-style enemy. Maybe he could trade with one of them. In fact Itachi was just standing around talking! He could have sworn he was fighting, right be for he tried to get the damn genjutsu his enemy put on him.

Diving to the side and failing to pin his opponent with a thrust, Kisame fled back towards Itachi. Oh, his partner was going to pay for taking a break while he was fighting for his life.

#Kazekage Vs. Sasori – It's All Your Fault Dammit!#

"Sasori!" In a burst of wind the kage of sand literally flew towards the hated puppet-master, one hand channeling wind chakra into a funnel, the other tearing an explosive tag down to confetti.

See his approach the large form in red and black robes huddled in on itself.

Blown onto target, the exploding confetti glued itself to the cloth of the cloak, being further assisted by a dozen intact exploding tags that the kage flung beneath him as he passed overhead, landing gracefully to be back lit by a roaring explosion. He then turned before the smoke cleared, hurling five, wind-guided, exploding tagged kunai. As they burst he followed with a tatsu no oshigoto, created with the battle fan he had hidden against his forearm. The sky clouded.

"Sasori. So we finally meet again, face to face. And now, for what you've done to my wife and son... no, for what you did to my village, you'll pay." The Kazekage murmured dangerously.

"What I did? You did all that on your own." A gruff voice shouted from the smoke as a form emerged, tinkering with one of its arms.

"Get out of Hiroku you coward, let your little playmates see what a pathetic little brat you really are." The kage roared, flipping his fan expertly to throw cutting blades of air.

The puppet armor endured, mostly undamaged. "You're boring me." It replied, launching dozens of poisoned senbon.

In a show of ungodly dexterity, the Kazekage soared into the air, diving and twisting to either dodge or deflect every needle. "You killed my wife!" He roared, lashing out with a crushing wind technique that the puppet scrambled to avoid.

"Me? How? It was your idea!" The left arm was damaged and popped off, almost instantly replaced via complex seal work. The new left arm spewed a stream of fire towards his air-borne enemy.

About that time a powerful, tightly controlled tornado touched down and lifted the puppet, puppeteer and all, into its screaming vortex.

Throwing aside the now flaming kage robes, the red-haired man glared with loathing to the storm before him. "I just wanted the old man dead so I could be kage! You told me how to make up for the power gap!"

The puppet flew from the cyclone, impaling the arena wall, yet remaining functional and intact itself. It was high-quality work after all. "So? Do think I knew anything about sealing demons at the time? You just wanted everything done too soon."

"Shut up and die!"

Concealed behind and beneath a wall of sand, the man's three offspring suddenly found an enemy they would stop at nothing to kill.

#Obito Vs. Hidan – You're Not Even Famous#

"You're lucky, Jashin-sama has taken note of you. And as his acolyte, I... Hey, what the fuck! Don't ignore me!" A cloaked shinobi carrying a massive scythe complained to the Godaime.

"You've gotta be kidding, the old man gets an immortal assassin, Ero-sennin gets Itachi and I get stuck with a ninja from a hot-springs resort? I finally make it to Hokage and people still underestimate me. Man, all the famous guys are already taken." Obito complained in apparent arrogance, actively looking for someone else to fight.

"Great Jashin-sama, please bless me with a magnificent sacrifice on this day." Hidan quickly fell to his knees, babbled out a prayer over his necklace and hurled his ornate weapon towards the exposed back of the man before him.

"Neh, you're a slow one too. It's not fair you know. I mean, every other Hokage got at least one super ninja assassin after them within the first two weeks." Obito reappeared and just as abruptly disappeared again as the weapon neared. "Sort of a tradition. You know, 'hey new kid, let's see how tough you are' or 'welcome to the job, here's a free sample.' Instead..." The raven-haired man vanished again and suddenly Hidan was face to face with him, less than a foot between them. "...I get you."

The immortal fanatic lashed in with the bladed cable attaching the scythe to him. Naturally the target wasn't there anymore.

"Jashin-fucking-dammit! Stand still you Jashin-damned fuck-wad!" Hidan didn't take it well.

"I suppose I have to kill you now. And then I imagine there'll be a ton of paperwork over this whole thing. Stupid childhood dreams."

Whirling as fast as he, Hidan flung his weapon with all his might, heedless of the grace he typically wielded it with. He was gratified that his opponent didn't disappear this time. Until that strange blue ball of chakra ground through the topmost blade and ricocheted both shards of the weapon safely away from the new Hokage.

"Pretty cool right? I even improved sensei's original move. Not just that either." A casual underhanded motion sent the ball sailing smoothly through the air, which Hidan avoided simply on principle. It moved uninterrupted for a few dozen yards before bursting into a larger, loose weave of chakra strands that dissipated harmlessly into the surrounding air.

And then another spiraling sphere, this one with a hand attached to it, emerged from his chest after having run through his body, the user's hand still clutching it. "Old ones wouldn't grind through flesh, anything with a chakra network just kind of bounced off it and went spinning for a few yards. Course, mine still do that when thrown. Good-bye."

Hidan seized the wrist, even as he shrieked out expletives through his pain. He managed to bring his bladed cable up before the arm vanished from under his fingers.

"Two immortal ninja? Damn, all we need is Tsunade and we'd set a record." The irritating voice chimed in from behind him. "Shouldn't you being healing over by now? I thought that came with the immortality."

"This is fucking bullshit! There no fucking way I have a Jashin-damned hole through my chest and you still get the fuck away without a Jashin-fucking-damned scratch!"

A tag, similar to an explosive tag, but with the Namikaze clan symbol on it, promptly flew out and pasted itself to his forehead. It was immediately followed by a fist traveling at physically impossible speeds.

"Fuck that hurt." Hidan stumbled, pealing the tag from his forehead and suddenly realizing that there were dozens of them glued across the ground and at random intervals as far away as he could notice them.

"Eh, eh. Go on, say it." Obito grinned, flipping his wrist to send four more tags flying towards his opponent.

Hidan scrambled to avoid and destroy them, but-

Leg kicked out from under him on the left, kunai suddenly appearing in his right jugular and impact. High speed foot to chest, instantaneous palm strike to kidneys and a thousand years of death, kunai style. Each blow, each movement was so closely packed together in the span of less than a second that their incredible momentum evened out, creating an unreal pressure on him as his front side tried to send him flying backwards and his back tried to shove him forwards. Instead he hung in the air for a scant moment after his enemy paused before collapsing in a heap.

"Heh, sensei always was one for theatrics. It's actually harder to make a seal that lets you move that fast and creates a flash than it is to simple make one that lets you move. I was so pissed when I figured it out." Obito commented wistfully. Hidan gurgled an obscenity in response as he slowly climbed back onto his feet. "You really are immortal, aren't you? That should have liquefied your organs, you know. Man, you're just busy work, come back when you're famous."

Hidan plucked the kunai from his throat. "Kakuzu! I need some fucking help over here!"

"What, you're actually quiting already? I haven't even used my doujutsu yet. Why did I get the defective super-ninja?"

"Seriously, you fucking blasphemous bastard. How hard is it to kill one fucking old, senile man?"

And then one cleanly sliced half of Pein's naraka path and the head of the petra path, both charred and immolated where they had been severed from the rest of their bodies, fell just close enough to draw his attention. He should have gone after the perverted toad, look at how much the guy bled for no perceivable reason. Jashin-fucking-dammit.

#And The Village?#

Sound and Sand had planned out their assault well. They knew where and when to strike, what targets were vital and which were of relative unimportance.

Contrasting them, another invasionary force, this one of the Akatsuki rebuilt and controlled Whirlpool, was roaming around, spreading as much chaos and violence as they could.

When meeting without a Konoha-nin present the two forces naturally clashed with each other, as even if you shared a common goal in the ninja-world it was better to kill anything unexpected on sight than trying to cooperate with it. That is, if you couldn't just slip by unnoticed.

Against these groups stood two great forces, the Konoha ANBU, which was, in fact, a single, complex trap and an elite contingency of Ame-nins.

The ANBU worked quite simply, roughly four-fifths of the group were actually from the Anbu clan, and as such had a sort of revolving door version of death hanging over their heads at all times. They would, in fact, drop like flies regardless of the presence of enemy ninja. Overall they were a minimal threat, doing only light to no damage before keeling over and getting replaced. They were a force of low-level attrition, undefeatable and immortal if taken as a whole, despite the individual components of their group being as frail as centuries old paper. Though they were virtually harmless, over time and with enough attempts those pathetic, minimally damaging attacks built up enough to slay even a kage.

But more than that, interspersed among these weaklings were the strongest of Konohagakure's ninja, so any enemy had to take every single ANBU they faced seriously, wasting energy and resources to accomplish something that would happen anyways by chance. Otherwise they'd be slaughtered as easily as they slaughtered the real Anbu by those ANBU who weren't Anbu.

The Ame-nins were the anti-thesis to that idea, each being prodigal elites of unparalleled skill, selected in secret by the council of Amegakure to shadow Hanzo and ensure his safety. As he was the lynch pin to Amegakure's rise among the other hidden villages, having seen and known what a decade and a half of war was going to bring should they stand firm and succeed.

Through fear the man had brought wealth to his village. Fear of his power, fear of his elite and fear of his connections.

Following his final victory in the last war, Amegakure had been elevated in the eyes of those hiring shinobi, enjoying an economic status to rival any of the big five and, thanks to the long years of peace that followed and the daimyo's hands off policy leaving Hanzo's paranoia unchecked, a military force to match. If not for Hanzo's hatred of extravagance and paperwork they could well have toppled Kirigakure from the rankings, starting yet another ninja war. Fortunately for the elemental nations as a whole, Hanzo refused to be declared a kage in any form, leaving Kiri, depleted as it was from civil war, with enough of it's pride intact to keep its affairs focused inward.

Having finalized an alliance with Konohagakure and been reassured by both Edward Elric and Seras Victoria attending Hanzo to keep him safe, they turned their weapons on those attacking their allied comrades.

#And Then Things Got Out Of Hand#

Kushina struggled weakly in the bonds encircling her as her tattered kimono was lazily stripped away by her opponent. The seductive Katsuragi clan, a clan from Kusagakure with a kekkei genkai that both made them attractive to others and weakened those who were sexual excited while strengthen themselves so long as they were the target of that lust. Why oh why did she get stuck fighting a Katsuragi kunoichi?

She'd managed to give the succubus a few nicks and superficial cuts, but had ultimately been maneuvered into first losing her weapon and then losing her mobility, the end result being her arms bound behind her using the flail and ninja wire. And now...

"Oh, you have such smooth skin." The voice of that arrogant bitch cooed in her ear as she pressed her bare front to Kushina's bare back, hands roaming over places they had no rights to. "Mmm. You're feeling it now aren't you? Yes, just a little more..." The gloved hand resting on her waist drifted gently and brazenly down along her abdomen, clearly intent on reaching the apex of her clamped legs. "And then... Nyoninboh."

"Arashi... Mph. Forgive me..." The widowed Konoha kunoichi whimpered, cursing kami-sama for his yuri-loving ways even as she reveled in the warmth kneading one of her breasts. And then, as gloved fingers ruffled over a patch of coarse, bright red hair...

"Get back here sashimi!"

The ground rupture and shattered beneath her feet, allowing her to dive forward and free herself while her enemy leapt backwards. Hands were freed, tattered kimono was shut tight and after a few deep breaths the effects of the Katsuragi kekkei genkai were thrown off. The exhaustion and energy loss remained though, effectively taking her down to a supporting role.

And just in time to watch two immensely powerful shinobi with weapons that had to be compensating for something and the deepest, vastest chakra she had ever felt clash wildly in reckless abandon. Looks like time to make sure Tatsumaki wasn't doing something stupid.

"That does it, Samehada!" The shark-lookalike yelled, swinging his oversized, bandaged blade in a wide arc. "Heh heh heh. Samehada has a special ability, it has the power to eat chakra and..."

The shark-man froze, staring at the mutation he had brought on.

Kisame had no way of knowing just who, and by now, more importantly, what he was facing. Fuinjutsu, as stated before, was a lot like programming a computer, but where human limitations were basically along the lines of a spread-sheet program, kami, including shinigami, had something more in keeping with AIs at their disposal. The eighth division specialized in it as a matter of fact and nothing short of a captain was going to show up to a self-sacrificing summoning, even if they didn't kill the one who summoned them.

So it came to pass that Shunsui wrote what could be considered the most advanced seal ever made in the mortal world on the stomach of an infant some fourteen years ago. There were four basic principles the seal was meant to focus on over everything else he had set into it. Most important was to keep the kyuubi under lock and key for as long as possible while weakening it by having the host leech off its youki. Obviously this meant that letting the host die was a very bad thing and combined with the chosen diet of said host, remaining completely human was not acceptable.

Fortunately, it was authorized to steal and copy useful traits from its prisoner in order to help. A lot of these made sense too, demoniacally fast healing, longevity, assorted kitsune based powers. However, it was Shunsui who painted it originally, the Yondaime's designs be dammed. Kitsune charm was not an expected ability to foster off, neither were elements of kitsune nature, to speed energy assimilation and youki purification. No, human minds could never comprehend just why or how deeply the seal went to fulfill its tasks as quickly as possible or even conceive of a seal being as perverted as Shunsui's collection of brush strokes was.

Luckily, the seal had agreed with just about everyone else in existence that demonic traits were bad. Since kitsune were supernatural creatures, however, it had only one option when dictating what type of youki Naruto produced naturally. Having only been exposed to the power of a demon's youki from its prisoner and a kami's youki from its creator, the choice was pretty obvious.

So it was that, deprived of human chakra the seal clenched down on the flow of demonic youki, leaving a bizarre amalgam of kitsune kami, shinigami and human. An amalgam running purely on the instincts its behavior as a fully conscious human mind left behind.

Wreaths of ghostly, white flame danced around wrists, ankles and neck, white, silky fur appearing beneath and around these places as true claws formed. Fangs, lacking demonic influence, actually shrank as ears grew pointed and whisker marks shrank down to disappear among new, blue facial markings. Four mostly transparent tails of similar white fire bloomed and lashed at the air behind him, as a playful, positive intent washed the area. With a confused keening, the creature tried to decipher where it was.

As odd as it was to consider, this was Naruto at his weakest the entire fight.

Fortunately, for Kisame in one way and Naruto in another, Samehada had the largest amount of chakra present as it had just stolen the massive reserve that rightfully belonged to Naruto and there wasn't any logical thought to prevent what followed.

Chink. Kitsune-Naruto started chewing on the big, silly looking sword.

And while the sword-user was focused on that a sticky-note attached itself on his shoulder, unnoticed. Only pure instinct honed from years of dueling his faster partner prompted him to dodge as Obito appeared without fanfare, a spinning blue sphere of death already clutched in one hand.

On one side, a moderately powerful, non-chakra emitting being was chewing on it, on the other, a perfectly crafted vortex of chakra meant to resist any exterior force. With a thunderous shriek of metal grinding against itself Samehada cracked under the pressures applied to it.

Kisame managed to break from the pair and glance briefly at the damage done. Without any hesitation he strapped the bandaged blade onto his back and started a chain of hand-signs.

The arena flooded.

"Kisame, you were suppose to wait for the signal." Itachi intoned dully, appearing beside his partner. What kind of guns though? He wasn't quite sure what 'gun' was even limited to, given all the variants Tobi seemed to come up with. Something simple, straight-forward and subtle would be nice.

"They hurt Samehada! To hell with the plan, I'm killing them now." Incredibly enough, despite looking very much like a shark on legs, Kisame was still human enough to shed tears. Which he did in volume, while flicking through yet more finger arrangements. The water frothed as dozens of shark-shaped constructs formed in it, flying and swimming towards random targets.

"This is unfortunate." Itachi took secret delight in watching the childish and impatient Sasori get his leg bitten off before wondering if Kisame had some sort of obsession. He couldn't remember the last time the man hadn't suggested chopping the legs off of someone they were sent against. Sadly, it appeared he was attacking without reason now and was therefore likely to injure the success of the mission before doing permanent damage to the puppet brat. But one day, one day he'd figure out how to use the Sharingan through the eyes of puppet armor and then! ...Man, he sure was sleepy.

Channeling this thought through the Sharingan he was contented to see his partner yawn and fall asleep. He could empathize though, after all Itachi had had poor Samehada almost all his life, the one friend and ally he could truly count on. They survived and endured so much together, his first love and one true friend, his precious Samehada...

His attention returned to the former field, now lake, of combat. Sarutobi hadn't missed a beat and neither had Hanzo. In fact about the only ones impeded by Kisame's flash flood were the ashura path, which sunk like a stone no matter what, and the Kazekage, who appeared to only know water-walking academically.

Suddenly a creature with four lashing tails of pale flame leapt towards him, clearly trying to make him think it was the kyuubi. Too bad for it he had seen the real kyuubi before and felt it's chakra, which was nothing like the positive, uplifting presence of this thing. It was also missing five tails, but that was an unimportant detail. Locking Sharingan to slitted emerald-green eye, he tossed forth a simple command of suppression. Clearly whatever form of imperfect jinchuriki this was, the seal was flawed, so locking away whatever was sealed in them should finish it.

And since the kyuubi was now fully suppressed without it, the seal slacked off its hold and freed up more energy for its host.

Naruto landed easily, back in his relatively natural form though feeling oddly off balance without his weapons. "Oh. So, he's with you huh? That makes sense, he was wearing the same outfit, wasn't he?"

Strangely enough the fact that the demon butcher was an imperfect jinchuriki of an unknown, four-tailed entity made perfect sense to Itachi with no further explanation needed. "Indeed. We are partners. The others are merely coworkers."

"Damn. Well, after the pocky delivery I suppose. Hmm... Looks like I've got some things to do." Naruto replied, looking around.

"Of course. Excuse us." Now that he remembered Samehada, the entire thing because so much more complicated. How could he use the Sharingan to infuse the nibi into the sword to turn it into a gun? Also, why had he let Kisame carry and use it all this time? And with that the weasel-named Uchiha vanished.

"Stupid Suna-nins, why are they in the water if they can't swim?" The chef sighed. As their ally, it was clearly his duty to save them too. Well he probably would have anyway, genin had to be protected until they ripened more after all.

Diving underwater, he swam straight towards the muddy, unforgiving mass of former sand at the bottom of one of the arena walls. If it wasn't for that one weird tanuki-feeling kid, he probably wouldn't have even noticed them.

Ick. It'd take a while before his hands felt clean again. The squish of silt-like earth was just so disgusting. That's why you paid gardeners and spice-merchants so much, because nobody would willingly work with dirt otherwise. Except Iwa-nins, but they were crazy anyway. Lurking in a bog with local slime smeared all over you, fine. Trying to get that last bit of sand out from under claw-like fingernails? Stupid things could slice through senbon, he'd be trying for hours. Never knew when you'd need 'em in a fight and definitely don't want to get dirt in your food after all.

With a final squelch that couldn't be heard since it was underwater, he pulled the last of the three Suna genin from the sandy mud, which sluggishly tried to encircle and cling to them. Wasting no time he bolted for the surface, leaping casually up to stand on top of the water, the two young shinobi negligently draped across his shoulders with the kunoichi held in his arms. Because that's how it was done, or so Kin had told him.

Ew, the redhead kid was getting muddy sand all over him, like his freaking skin was made of it or something. Compared to that the other brat's make up washing off and staining was absolutely fine in his opinion. The three coughed, each spitting out yet more mud and water that seemed to seek out his chunin vest with unnerving accuracy. He just had to wear his good vest to the finals didn't he?

His eyes locked with the bedraggled, soaking kunoichi in his arms and he smiled nervously, here came the beating...

Any second now...

Hmm, why was she just staring at him with those little pink spots on her cheeks?

She was the girl that swore to kill all perverts, right? And she had to have noticed how awkwardly close he was holding her to make room for her teammates by now. Especially since, purely to prop her upright and help her cough up the water, his hand was, possibly, kinda, slightly grasping her rear. A bit. Just to support her until she got her bearings. Except she had and his hand was blocking out his brain's commands, being perfectly happy where it was. Bad hand, bad! Crap, distraction, distraction, distraction.

"So, ah... You're safe now?" It was rare times like this that made him wish he knew how to comfort others. Regardless, the shell-shocked girl nodded and relaxed just the slightest amount seeing his hitai-ite. And that unfortunate, tiny slouch forced him to adjust his grip. He was gonna die.

While she was oblivious to the fact that the jinchuriki holding her was involuntarily unleashing a heavy dose of kitsune charm into the area surrounding him, laced in his chakra from the seal's recent reconfiguration, she was all to aware of its effects. How nice his arms felt around her, the warmth he exuded starkly contrasting the cold grip of murderous muddy water she just escaped from and the utterly adorable, terrified look on his face because of where he had to put a hand to support her notwithstanding.

Obviously, given that look and the lack of intense, or even subtle, fondling this shinobi had at least some measure of respect for a woman, or at least a kunoichi. As her father and/or brothers had scared off everyone who wasn't intimidated by her own strength, and most of her time was devoted to training anyway, she wasn't much for typical teenage-girl romance. And, since this was about as close as she'd gotten so far; rescued from the brink of death, put under the influence of super-natural allure and having her first positive, if reverently fearful, ecchi encounter to starkly contrast the semi-traumatic, highly negative defeat early in the month... Well, combined with the adrenaline from said brink of death and the left over feel-good aura of an unbound kitsune-kami, it was enough to win her over for the moment. She leaned in.

But like all the romantic moments in her life, her father ruined it.

"Children!" A voice cried as the Kazekage took note from where he was now battling the mysterious orange masked shinobi. The orange masked shinobi with a wash pan.

"Yay! Tobi got Baberu's Joyeusa! That's even better than Sabato's Durandal! Tobi is happy!" With a casual toss, like that of a frisbee, the normally water-filled object drifted in a lazy arch that should have been impossible, given its lack of aerodynamics and speed.

The Kazekage dived and leapt but the mockingly slow bathing implement only seemed to get closer and closer, despite the fact that it appeared to float only straight ahead. Finally it hit, just a tap really, sending the kage of Sunagakure skidding backwards across the water, flailing like a ragdoll.

"...Tobi thinks Kazekage-sama is dead. But, but... that means Tobi is a murderer! But Tobi is a good boy. Good boys don't kill people... That others know about. Yes, yes Tobi. That's it! Tobi is a genius. Yes, Tobi must kill the witnesses!" Unexpectedly the orange-masked cyclopes turned around began setting the still-sleeping audience aflame with a handy lava-spraying gun he drew from underneath one of the belts crossing his torso.

"F, father?" Gaara murmured, wide-eyed as the first of the sand-siblings to come to his senses. Provided you still consider Temari dazed just because her focus was enraptured by Naruto's facial features.

The face-down Kazekage replied by turning the water he was floating in red.

"Father!"

Suddenly Naruto was flying through the air, bereft of passengers and wondering absently where the giant sand raccoon came from. And then in giant poofs of ninja-smoke it was joined. Now there was a giant snake and a giant toad and a giant wolf and... Hmm, raccoon, snake, toad, wolf, spider, bird, salamander, tentacle monster, extra-large puppet and whatever-the-hell that masked guy just summoned. Looked like some kind of giant human-thing wearing a building with fur sticking out in places. Oh, boss summons. Neat, he'd never seen a giant boss summons before. His personal summons was, well, short. Shorter than him anyway. But it was orange and that counted for a lot.

Now where was his skillet and santoku?

#The Destruction Of Konohagakure#

"Hmm... Shakaku the sand spirit, Manda of the snake tribe, Moro the wolf goddess, Kukuruku the puppet lord..." The giant toad paused to puff on his pipe, spewing out a noxious cloud of tobacco smoke. "...And Keito the spider queen, Garuda the bird king, Aguni of the salamanders with two others I don't recognize personally. Though one smells like a shikima. Jiraiya, what the hell is this?"

"Silence toad. Orochimaru, for this opportunity, I will accept a mere fifty sacrifices. As for you, toad, Garuda is mine. Don't interfere." Manda hissed out venomously.

Jiraiya, catching sight of the woman who stood a top Manda's head, began to vomit.

"Still angry about the bird stealing your tongue? Tch. I'll have my own vengeance to worry about." Gamabunta replied, drawing his sword and facing the giant summoned spider. "Put a scar on my beautiful face, will you?"

Jiraiya suddenly came to his senses, noticing that they were standing on the ruins of a stadium in the middle of Konoha. Ruins, of course, because the giant summons had crushed everything beneath them. "Hey, uh, Bunta, we sort of need to keep them away from the rest of the village, okay?"

"Don't be stupid, human. Your village was doomed the moment we were called within it." The pure white, two-tailed wolf kami growled out, in a surprisingly soothing feminine voice.

"She's right. Fighting a biju is always messy and... Argh! Why does this have to happen on my first day as Hokage?" The last Namikaze shouted in frustration. "I give up everything to get the job and on the first official day-"

"Quiet you fool. The biju is awakening." The wolf goddess commanded, tensing for combat.

"Yee-haw! Free at last! Gwa-ha-ha-ha! And there (hic) 's already li'l human things for the (hic) killin'." The tanuki roared and slurred, swaying just a bit as it massive tails lolled around, smashing things behind it. "Oi! Who's (hic) that?" The thing pointed one sandy hand/paw at the little orange headed thing walking dutifully towards it's foot. "You seem famil... famel... (hic) like I know you, er sometin'."

Naruto ignored the sand raccoon, momentarily confused by the limbless, soaking wet girl laying beside his equipment. As he sort of missed the whole 'flood the arena, send out sharks' thing, he was kind of at a loss about how she go there. Especially since she was sleeping, having lacked the ability to form hand-signs and disspell the wide-area sleep genjutsu as it befell her. Which was fortunate, as had she stayed conscious and kept herself from being washed away, she would have been right underneath Kekko's shikima summons. And no... well, very few anyway... yeah, very few teenage girls wanted that.

Really now, sleeping out in a field of boss summons while soaking wet wasn't very smart. Being the nice, responsible person he was he picked her up and tucked her under his left arm after sheathing santoku, keeping his right hand skillet-armed.

"Don' 'nore me!" The inebriated biju shouted, cocking back a paw before stomping it down.

Except the paw turned almost completely into glass on contact with the super-chakra-heated skillet surface, shattering under its own weight.

Completely negligent of the shock he just caused, not to mention the various glass-related injuries rapidly healing over on his right side, the demon-chef carried the just waking up Tenten off to find someone to take her to safety.

As soon as he walked past, Manda darted forward eager for a surprise attack against the giant crane-like bird that had bitten out his tongue all those long years ago, causing Konoha untold millions of ryo in property damage just by slithering as high speeds.

And then the battle was joined.

#Still Clueless#

Ambling away from the giant fighting ninja animals, the great chef was startled by his load's suddenly thrashing.

"Hey, hey calm down. I almost dropped you." Naruto told her, not realize that that was exactly what she wanted at the moment.

Whipping her head around, she fired off a kunai, tongue following closely after.

Catching the kunai via letting it impale his shoulder, Naruto's hand darted out and closed around the oversized pink muscle. He grinned as Tenten's eyes finally caught up to her instincts. "See, nothing to worry about. Now, let's get you somewhere else, okay?" Unlike Temari, Tenten turned pink from cheek to cheek across her nose, gazing at his kitsune-allure inducing eyes. "Eh, is something wrong?" The hapless young woman shook her head.

After a brief moment she recognized her savior and newly acquired love-interest as the sound jounin-sensei, which meant she was in fact safe, right?

Of course, had she not fallen asleep she would have known this wasn't true. On the other hand, as Orochimaru didn't exactly trust Naruto to keep a secret and had therefore kept the attack strategy from him, she wasn't really in any danger from it.

Not that she could be identified as a kunoichi anymore. Lacking a hitai-ite, limbs and having a tiny chakra reserve made her easily confused with an ordinary civilian target. Actually, it left her safer than that really. Nobody wanted to be the one to kill a limbless civilian girl. On one hand it was too easy and had no challenge to it, on the other it gave you no bragging rights and would make the one that went through with it before every other target was dead look absolutely pathetic.

And then, for convenience, he happened across another blond kunoichi, a genin cornered at a bad moment with only the useless Anbu ANBU around to save her from the vicious, and ever so slightly insane, Uzu-nin.

Surprisingly, the first to react was Tenten, smoothly spitting out a kunai towards each enemy in a rapid fashion. As the Uzu-nin were mostly rabble, thugs and fanatics drawn in by Yahiko's rants, Madara's promises of power and Kekko's seductions/brainwashings, they didn't fair well. All the quality missing-nin had joined Orochimaru, between his clan creation act, unique health care via experimentation on captured ninja and the kekkei genkai breeding/creation program only those out to conquer specific areas remained among the pool of upper nuke-nins. This particular group of five was two part rabble, one part thug, one part fanatic and one part undecided between being thug and rabble.

The rabbles took it to the chin, a fatal shot thanks to Tenten's low position. The thug refused to acknowledge his danger sense telling him to turn around and instead took a shot to the spine. The undecided tried to do both and was struck directly behind his jaw, also fatally injured. The fanatic dodged, snatched the passing projectile from the air and was summarily smashed and set fire to by a large, concave piece of metal.

Between the relief of being rescued, the horror of what those shinobi were promising to do to her, the memory of what Sasuke had tried to do early, the surprise and gore of the attack on Konoha and of her rescue not to mention the rather important chakra exhaustion, Ino passed out. But not before catching sight of those approaching. She blushed in her sleep and fidgeted, having a good dream.

"Why do people keep doing that?" Naruto grumbled, replacing his skillet to pick up the new girl and then jump aside to avoid the tentacled horror as a wolf kami savaged and threw it with her jaws.

"Hmph, she probably ran out of chakra. Stupid fangirls don't train much." His other passenger commented jealously. Not that her own fighting style ever really used much chakra.

"Oh good, you can talk. Do you know anywhere I can put you? I sort of need to help Orochi-datesha now." A casual hop saw him land on the knee of one of the spider's legs, distracting her just enough for the toad to regain his footing.

Tenten pouted at the implied suggestion that she was useless. Then again, in a battle of this scale, she was. Besides, even if it was awkward, it felt kind of nice to be held. She wasn't a ninja anymore, this wasn't her problem... "Over there, do you see Hokage-sama? Just drop us off with him."

And so they leapt off again, sailing merrily through the air above water and wind bullets the size of small houses and just below the pouncing wolf goddess.

"Oi, jiji-san, can you take these two?" The landing was smooth, almost unnoticeable. This guy was... calling the Hokage an old man?

"Hey, show some respect, this is Hokage-sama you're talking to!" Tenten shouted, having an inborn respect for both authority and the man who trained Tsunade-sama.

The Sandaime glanced from watching the destruction of his village. He was old, dammit. His limits were growing ever shorter each year and while he had been holding some power in reserve during his fight with Kakuzu, against summon bosses there was little he could do but count on his student and his successor. Students, if the Otokage was who he thought she was. With a sad, wistful smile he faced the approaching shinobi. Perhaps there was yet a future to protect. "You may leave them here. I'll look after them."

"Thanks jiji-san." With great care the demon chef set both his passengers gently on the ground. "Neh? Where'd the tentacle thing go?"

"Returned to where it was summoned from. Summons tend to retreat back to their own realms when injured or outmatched."

"Neh? They do that?"

"Quite often, yes."

The thought of an endless supply of chakra-laced meat from killing a summoned boss vanished at the same time the giant laughing puppet impacted the Nidaime's face, propelled by the tan and purple sand-raccoon's paw. The face, coincidentally, had vanished as well when the fat, red, oni-looking puppet fell onto the buildings below. It laughed uproariously, babbling about puppets and get them Oz before apologizing to itself, saving it was wearing Oz so of course he couldn't do what he was told.

Was everyone powerful in this world insane? Not really being able to tell who was on whose side at this point, the orange haired jounin leapt up to stand on Shakaku, next to his container and the container's siblings.

Hiruzen chuckled slightly as he watched the boy. It had been ages since he felt like he could tell a biju what to do. Ah, the power of youth.

"He didn't even tell us his name." Tenten pouted, drawing his attention back to her.

She was a quality kunoichi, to have somehow read the village's archives of Orochimaru and devised a way to imitate him as a means of regaining some of her independence. He truly wished he had seen it before, or that he had made his own office able to overrule the medical core instead of the other way around. Another oversight that cost him, another child lost because of it. And a truly inventive one too, to have worked out such abilities from description and turned them into her own. Anko, he knew for a fact, had been nowhere near the girl since her injury.

Anko... There was yet another problem on his lap. Barely passable as human now, with her chakra control, and consequentially genjutsu, shot to hell because of it. As either a snake or a fox she'd be hated by this village, though at least the snake could conceal itself it from view at will. At least the seal was gone, she had been quite happy about that despite everything else. Maybe if he had the time they could figure out kitsune illusions and transformations... But with the paperwork everything was going to cause...

Hmm, it would be nice to have a student who wasn't insane, wouldn't it? And of course her training would require travel and new experiences not to mention so much of his attention that he couldn't possibly be here to get sucked into advising and assisting his replacement. Yes, that would be his out. He knew the village was in good hands with Obito, he'd just have to bounce back after all, and the old Hokage's methods needed to be shaken up some anyway, given all the things that had slipped through the cracks during his reign. Besides, an apprentice wasn't technically a ninja by the village's definition and there was little doubt one of their allies would want to take the girl in at some point, if she was as skilled as he assumed.

As for Anko, this village was no longer a safe place for her, was it? She'd be his assistant, taking care of all the loose ends and traveling difficulties to be expected. The Nidaime and the Yondaime had trapped him behind that desk for close to sixty years and he'd only ever left the village on missions before that. The time for his childhood dreams of travel and exploration were now. He maybe much less spry than he had been, but a kage was still well above everything else, regardless of age.

#Poor Blind Orphan Girl#

As it turned out, fighting giant animals was more difficult than he had thought. Unlike any of his human opponents these guy could take a hit and get back up, sometimes not even getting knocked down. After a few brief moments enraging the ichibi, he had somehow ended up here, fighting the colossus. Despite weighting several hundred tons and not moving much in the positional sense, the thing was rather quick for its size, at least compared to a normal human.

It was more the fact that nothing really hurt it that was a problem though. A blow that should have cleaved it in half made it bleed a few small gouts of black blood, and react as though stung, but did no lasting damage. And that was when he struck the fur, the building parts were freaking invincible.

It was kind of a given, then, that eventually the hand actually hit him, flinging him off into the ruins of part of the stadium seating.

Upon regaining his bearings, however, he noticed something that made him truly sympathetic, being an orphan himself. Just beside him, laying over the semi-conscious form of what was obviously their daughter, given the remarkable similarities, was a young man and a young woman, both with pure white eyes and stylish forehead tattoos. Given the pieces of rubble and shrapnel sticking out of them, not to mention the large quantity of blood, they were most certainly dead. Meaning the poor, little girl, who was obviously blind, given her pure-white eyes, had just lost her parents.

Sniffling, he decided to give her the same chance Zetsu-nii-chan had given him. As of this moment, she was his emergency food supply slash little sister.

"Come on. Let's get you out of here imouto." The chef told the unfortunate little thing, starting to pick her up and set her on his shoulder.

"O, onee-chan?" The little girl asked, disoriented. Course, since she was blind he couldn't blame her.

Seeing another body with similar hair, facing away from them, but clearly dead and perhaps a year older than the girl, not to mention as feminine as any Hyuga ever looked he came to an obvious conclusion.

"Neh, don't worry bout it imouto-chan. They're all dead so..." Naruto immediately felt like smacking himself as the blind orphan's eyes teared up, somehow finding and gazing at the bodies despite being clearly sightless. Why was it so hard to comfort girls?

"Haruka, Hazuki, Kintaro..." Hanabi took the loss of her personal escort and their daughter a bit hard, never having seen anyone die before and having had the same ones for as long as she could remember, even if she did start treating them like furniture under her father's influence. Sniffling, she turned towards her kidnapper, having no idea that even without the Byakugan her eyes were inherently sensitive to his kitsune-charm effect when on its normal setting, let alone when it was running rampant.

Her entire face turned crimson and her eyes rolled back in her head, but she managed not to pass out, just barely. She was made of sterner stuff than Hinata, after all.

"Neh? Imouto-chan? ...Why does this keep happening?" Naruto cradled the semi-conscious, but unable to respond girl in his arms, checking her temperature by pressing his forehead to hers. "Oh, a fever. You'll need some Kusa-nin ramen to get better than. Come on, let's get out of here imouto-chan."

#And The Leader Appears#

With every building reduced to component rubble the fighting really slowed down. What good were kaiju without stuff to smash, after all.

And as it start to wind down an orange haired individual, this one with blue eyes, an Uzu hitai-ite and a net-shirt beneath a cloak of red and black, arrived. He sighed and rubbed his temples, seeing the mess his subordinates had caused. "Oi, wrap it up. I got part of what we came for, we'll just leave the brat until we get the seals worked out, alright?" The man told what Akatsuki members were still present before hopping onto the Yondaime's head and shouting across the ruins.

"Oi! Konoha! This is the leader of Akatsuki! You made a big mistake when you threw out the nine-tails and if you don't fix it, find him and hand him over, we'll come back and raze your city a second time, got it? Don't worry about your hatred for him, we plan to kill him anyway. Fact is, we need all the biju, yeah? So you losing one has really pissed us off and you're gonna pay for it again and again unless you can find some other way to create world peace, besides a biju powered god-statue. And the best part is, there's no way for you strike back since you'd need an Uzu survivor to find our base. Ha ha ha ha! Take that Hanzo. We win this time!" The not-quite-sane Yahiko declared, disappearing as ninja tended to.

Somewhere below him Yugito frowned. 'The brat' clearly meant ichibi, which meant they were going in order. Kirabi would be protected when the time came, probably any jinchuriki that had a supportive village after sanbi or yonbi... That meant she needed to be like the kyuubi jinchuriki, she needed to disappear. Sketching out a quick, jumbled message, saying that while on her mission they were ambushed by a group of ninja in black and red cloaks and summoning a ninja-kitten to act as a runner, she tried to think of a way to fall beneath the radar. A way to disappear as the nibi jinchuriki and be acknowledged as something else entirely.

She had the training to form an individual reputation, and so long as she never displayed her higher biju-given powers she could blend into the population of random clans on the verge of extinction. Maybe go nuke-nin? No, the hitai-ite would give her away, she needed to join an entirely new village and...

Was that Naruto kidnapping a Hyuga heiress? Back when she was a little girl the Raikage-to-be was reported as being killed trying to do the same thing. And the way he powered through the ichibi so negligently... And that dreamy, seductive allure he was throwing out a cloud of, almost a good as his ramen, even if it had been-

No, bad Yugito, now wasn't the time for that. Although... A blatant powerhouse like him would cast a long shadow, a shadow his subordinates and associates could hide their abilities in while still being known as powerful ninja just because they were the demon chef's ally.

Besides, her village always told her she was a demon, right?

Even knowing it was wrong, knowing it was a horrible, horrible thing to do, if she was honest with herself... She liked it. That should be all right? She didn't need to justify this to herself. No, she needed to justify her following him to the man in question. Hmm, a powerful man who could cook, a few years younger than her, but why should that stop her from taking something she liked as her own? Uh-huh, she decided she was going to make him hers.

And when a cat decides to do something, heaven help the humans that get in its way.

#Author's Notes#

First thing, this is a super chapter, posted in its absurd length because I didn't feel like breaking it up and also because I won't be posted again for... I don't know, a month, maybe?

So, anyone get what Tobi's weapons here are referencing? Here a clue, one's from an old video game featuring an anthropomorphic kangaroo-rat, the other is from a anime featuring two angels protecting a future immortality-discovering pedophile from at least two other angels god sent to kill him for discovering said immortality in some twenty odd years from the present.

Yay, I finally found out what the ninja headbands are called! I had completely forgotten about that.

I knew (sort of) where this was going last chapter. The purpose of the rapid, nonsensical cuts was threefold. 1, get through the chunin exams as quickly as possible. 2, set up various characters. 3, as a direct manifestation of Tobi's insane Sharingan powers leaking out into reality around him as he wasn't focusing them onto something. And possibly 4, laziness brought out by the horrible, horrible strain of finals week. Or is that lack of sleep?

Admittedly though, I am glad to know that there are those among you who truly care about the quality of the story. It's reassuring, even if I more or less ignore it for this story. Maybe when I write something I mean to be serious.

As Hanzo is suppose to be a powerful, super-bad-ass, yet old man ninja, he has two modes. I will call them Whitebeard and Darth Vader. See if you can tell which is which. Without the breathing mask his immense chakra is running free, granted him immense physical and ninjutsu power but cutting down on how much he can exert himself. With the mask on... the Sharingan stolen from Madara/Tobi allows for the predicting part, the incomplete Rinnegan is for the red in his chakra light saber technique. Now, how to let him choke people from ten or twenty feet away... Something both of them should be capable of, though one seems to require a hand gesture.

Incidentally, that trauma is also, in this story, what prompted the creation of Tobi as a defensive mechanism. When you see Madara try to fight someone you'll understand.

One of the first Rasengan we see in action drills a perfect hole into a tree. Naruto's incomplete version drills a spiral shape into various things, including stone. Yet, somehow, when striking a human body, instead of reducing it to something that should be called pulp wherever it touches, it hurls them a great distance while spinning them. Not just once, but several times we see this effect in action. So I finally got pissed off enough about it to make Obito's do what it looks like the damn thing is suppose to do. And then I added in the ranged use I always though it was going to have while Naruto was first training with it. Ah, the dreams broken by that manga.

Assuming the Rinnegan functions similar to in 'Banished With A Bloodline' when not enhanced with signal amplifiers and similarly assuming that Zetsu was the one who found the high-quality bodies Pein used (you'll notice Zetsu isn't among those present here), you will note that he is somewhat... less intimidating than canon. In turn, his own body isn't some lame-crippled form tied up to a machine as compensation, giving him an extra over the canon-version. I mean, if the piercing and chair are necessary, it isn't really part of the kekkei genkai is it? It's part of the surgery, piercings and chair.

Also, Kushina uses the Yondaime's real name, Arashi Kazama, while everyone else uses his fake, in hiding name, Minato Namikaze. I do this for two reasons, one; I've never heard of anyone having an entire front clan to hide their real identities behind, which makes sense in some ways, and two; I like the name Arashi more than the name Minato.

And that's the start of the harem, you impatient bastards. For those who think it's too sudden it's mostly the kitsune-charm. Please take in the noted examples from Canon-Naruto, whose seal is not actively cultivating the trait to seduce women. Gotta love Shunsui's priorities. For further convincing, read below.

Canon-Naruto totally has kitsune charm/trickery powers. Look at what he did to all those people over the course of the series, twisting them into his own way of thought and seducing all those (filler) girls without even being aware of it. Hell, look at Tsunade! If that doesn't prove it, how about Pein? Reversing decades of work and obsession that quickly, and even convincing him/her that the only way to make it right was to sacrifice himself to bring back those he killed/herself for the sake of the village? There has to be some serious brainwashing going on there, especially with the way Konan/Shizune just accepts it. And now that you're aware that Naruto has this power, read/watch through the series again. You'll soon come to understand why such a power is seldom put into the hands of a naive child.

Gashira – Head or chief, boss basically. I mean, despite his power he isn't ever declared a kage, so...

Nyoninboh – La Blue Girl ninja technique, brought in to compliment the nature of the Katsuragi kekkei genkai. A very hentai technique that swells the user's (female only by the way) clitoris to a size and vague shape similar to that of a large phallus. You might also note that a shikima is basically a tentacle monster.

Hijutsu – Don't know an exact translation, but from what I've gathered, this is a family or clan-only type of jutsu that not everyone can learn/use. I think. Since it is stolen from somewhere (can't remember) it's someone else's fault if it's wrong.

Tatsu no Oshigoto – Great Task of the Dragon. Canon.

Imouto – Little sister/younger sister.

O – Apparently, when you want to be more affectionate to someone, you add an O to whatever you're calling them. Nee-chan becomes onee-chan and baa-chan become obaa-chan for instance.

Kaiju – Literally 'strange beast', but since sometime in the seventies it started meaning 'huge city smashing monster' via Godzilla.

Ninja – Plural of ninja. Because, exactly like fish, ninja is one, a million or anywhere between, above or below. Ninja that is, ninja does not denote fish, number notwithstanding.


	9. Medicinal Soup With Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

Chapter Nine: Medicinal Soup With Ramen

#Top Secret Akatsuki Headquarters – Uzugakure#

Waking up, Kisame came to a startling and terrifying epiphany. "Hey, that brat was trying to eat me!" He then realized that his partner had dropped him off in his room...

But Samehada was missing!

#Top Secret Akatsuki Meeting Hall – Uzugakure#

"...And I simply suppressed the sealed creature's power with my Sharingan and fled." Itachi's voice rang blandly from behind closed doors, reaching Kisame's surprisingly existent ears just before he burst through them. The doors that is, not his there-but-shouldn't-be ears.

The shark-man immediately froze upon making eye-contact with numerous, slitted red eyes shifting and swirling about in a black shadowy mass that writhed on the wall. His entrance brought the attention of all twelve other ninja in the room, their cloaks whirling about them as they turned to face him. Yahiko snorted and turned away.

"So now that I know why you jackasses screwed up the distraction, it's my turn." Their illustrious leader pulled three folders from his cloak. "So, here's what I found." He flipped open the first folder. "The Yondaime Hokage had at least three aliases, including Minato Namikaze, Arashi Kazama and the Golden Flash. He married Kushina Uzumaki and eventually she gave birth to a set of twins, one Naruto Uzumaki and one Tatsumaki Uzumaki. On the day of their birth he sealed the kyuubi into one of them." He closed the folder, flipped through the second one and grimaced. "We'd assumed it was the boy, Naruto. The fact that he was the jinchuriki was common knowledge. We knew it, the villagers knew it, every file reports it. Hell, other nations knew it, with the civilians blabbing about it everywhere. But..." He closed the file with a flourish, throwing it violently at one of the others who shredded it long before it reached them. "He's dead. Alucard."

The red eyes lurking in every shadow of the room swiveled their focus onto the Akatsuki leader. "Hmm..." A sardonic voice grunted from a tall, long haired ex-Ame-nin. The disinterested gaze of the man himself didn't shift from Kisame in the least.

"The kyuubi, Alucard." Yahiko shouted, throwing a brace of kunai into the man's chest. "Pay attention you undead freak!"

Smirking arrogantly the man slowly plucked the knives from his chest. "Hmm... It's power has been fluctuating recently, becoming almost totally diluted and undetectable within the host... At least with biju kami active in the same area as well. I feel remnants of both the kami and oni Nibi, and another kami I never felt before. They must be growing at a faster rate. Hn, yes, it's still there, alive and recovering back to its usual power."

"Biju kami?" The quiet, feminine voice of their newest member inquired, looking bored with the meeting and sipping tea.

"The kami biju are a group of tailed gods Igudo began making when the oni biju appeared. The Tenkukai, the celestial realm of this world, was obsessed with themselves and holding supremacy over the Makai, or netherworld. When the oni biju first appeared they attempted to destroy them and failed miserably, effectively halving their numbers and limiting their influence on the world. Rikudo Sennin appeared around the same time and stole the reins of the human world from their control. They still maintain a presence in the spirit world that is practically unopposed, desu. Ultimately to maintain their perch, they created the kami biju as templates and left them to grow on their own, but have no means of control or influence over them, expecting fellow gods to simply fall in line with their own." An unexpected voice butted in, followed closely by... "Isn't Tobi smart! Praise me, praise me, praise me!"

Yahiko snorted. "Is the idiot right, Alucard?"

The man in question smirked and inclined his head slightly, gazing dangerously over the edge of his round sunglasses. "You expect the undead to know anything about the spirit world? The only thing I know about of any of this is that someone named Alexander, Lord of Destruction, decided to ditch the monstrosities here instead of giving them to Zetta and Salome as a wedding assassination attempt and I only remember that because the guy wouldn't shut up about it. That was the first time in memory I survived on the whim of my enemy and not the other way around." A wicked grin cut the man's face, showing his oversized canines to the room as he leaned backwards and laughed like a maniac. "But he'll learn what a mistake that was. Ga ha ha ha ha ha!"

"The situation is really complicated, dattebayo. When the oni biju appeared, Tenkukai started losing control of everything, so for the last few centuries they've been focused on making shinigami and otherwise suppressing the Reikai natives. They now control the spirit world through the Seireitei, holding king Yama hostage and locking away all the other powerful spirits so that they have complete control over the fate of the dead. But recently that stopped being enough as all kinds of super ninja started finding ways to become immortal and a new overlord decided to move in to the previously unoccupied Makai, not to mention that the spirits who live in the Reikai don't particularly care for the occupation by the gods. So, the gods are desperate to find a way to deal with everything at once and labeled anything they think has defied them as 'mazouku'. There are seven mazouku in this room right now!" Tobi chattered excitedly, his mask spinning slowly around his eye.

"Where the hell are you learning this crap?" Yahiko shouted back, disbelieving.

"Tobi's other half told Tobi to use his Sharingan uber-ness to spy on everything beyond mortal comprehension, so Tobi does."

"Phef. Anyway, moving on." The orange-haired leader flipped open the last folder. "Virtually nothing is known about Tatsumaki Uzumaki. Her mother took her from the village within four months of her being born and traveled to a secret location to shake off all pursuit, being joined only by Jiraiya when her brother's remains were found. Even if Alucard can barely tell where they are outside of a country-sized guess, we can tell that the kyuubi's host started wondering around soon after the day Naruto Uzumaki was assumed killed, rather like the village backing her was suddenly aware that someone didn't want their weapon to grow up. Between all this, we've found the kyuubi jinchuriki."

With a genjutsu a semi-transparent, three-dimensional replica of the girl started floating in a slow turn in the center of the room. "Tatsumaki Uzumaki, known alias of Karyu Namikaze. Tobi, Kekko, you two will retrieve her at the earliest point you can. Itachi and Kisame, provide a distraction so they can get to her sooner. The last thing we need is for someone with her genetics to have any further time to develop into the weapon she's meant to be. If we're lucky, Jiraiya's sentimentality got the better of him and he'll have locked the kyuubi's chakra away and only lightly trained her. If we're not she'll have all her mother's skills, everything Jiraiya can teach in eight years and the kyuubi to fall back on." Yahiko grimaced at the illusionary girl.

"Not only that, but by convincing everyone the kyuubi was sealed elsewhere she'll also have the support and love of her village as the triumphant daughter of their greatest hero." Konan stated evaluatively. "Where the others will have to stop somewhere around their demon's level from the lack of support, she'll just keep growing and growing limitlessly. We'll need to take her down before she can reach such a state... Let's not forget how powerful Ed got after Nagato forgot to make sure he was dead."

"I cut off an arm and a leg, okay? Who lives through something like that and isn't crippled for life, huh?" Pein objected, his two surviving paths poofing into existence beside him.

"You lost four paths! Kami-dammit, who the hell were you fighting? Don't answer that. Alucard." Yahiko broke in.

"I only have two corpses on hand, a betrayed devotee of the god of war and another cursed warrior." The undead being replied lazily, tugging at the white gloves that kept his powers bound in service.

"A similar curse to the old ashura path's?" Pein asked suspiciously. The Nosferatu grinned, his mouth unnaturally wide and showing the full set of fangs. "So it'll be helpless in water, great."

The two forms slowly emerged from the writhing shadow, pale as death, but perfectly preserved. The Rinnegan gazed upon them and they vanished.

#Otogakure#

Soon after he arrived and ensured his students were accounted for, Naruto set about curing his new, adoptive little sister's fever. As he wasn't very much of a medi-nin personally, what with his absolutely monstrous regeneration and until recent lack of others to care for, his idea of how to fix such things often involved food. Well made, specifically cooked to be healthy food, consisting of ingredients that while alive are slightly to highly poisonous. In other words, Suna-nin, Kusa-nin or even, at rare times, Doku-nin.

As it was a fairly high fever and her entire face seemed to be bright red, he decided on Kusa-nin soup with ramen, just to be on the safe side.

He gently tilted her head, trying to ignore how creepy her glazed, unseeing eyes looked and carefully guided the spoon filled with broth to her lips.

As soon as she drank a sharp clarity replaced the dazed glassiness, which quickly narrowed in a glare even as the flush in her face turned atomic. Hanabi snatched the spoon and the bowl of soup from him, a truly remarkable feat given her obvious visual impairment.

Though the way she kept throwing glances at him while he watched her eat was disturbing... unless...

"You can see!" He blurted out, nearly falling over from surprise.

Hanabi frowned. "Of course I -slurp- can baka! -slurp-." The soup was delicious.

"But, but... Imouto-chan, your eyes, they're all... white..." Naruto countered before staring suspiciously at the ramen sitting oh so innocently on the table. He knew his cooking was good, but getting rid of blindness? Taking out a set of chopsticks, he reached for it...

Only to suddenly be blocked off by a spoon in an aggressive offensive display of chakra control that broke clean through both sticks.

"That's mine!" The petite girl told before returning her attention to the soup. Why couldn't the branch house cook like this?

"Eh, imouto-chan..." The chef started, suddenly finding his recently adopted little sister pouting at him with just a trace hint of hope. "Uh... Nevermind."

The girl gave a haughty, arrogant sort of smirk nobles were well known for, except with a light, grudging undertone of actual affection beneath it. She finished one bowl and grabbed the other greedily, considering her situation.

She had been kidnapped by an unknown village. Arguably that was a bad thing, but since the guy who kidnapped her assumed she was blind and was treating her like a little sister was suppose to be treated when an overbearing father wasn't sabotaging the relationship, she was going to leave that as an undecided. Also, the guy who kidnapped her and was now pampering her had a certain something. A something that, were she older than she was, she would refer to as sexiness, or perhaps kitsune-charm if she was aware enough by then. As it was there was an unexplained impulse to call him 'mine!' and ignore any consequences.

But a clanhead could not be impulsive. Nope, even if the food said person provided was to die for, in a rather literal sense that she was presently unaware of, she wasn't going to base her decision on one factor. It was tempting though, the soup really was that good and she had never tasted anything as exquisite as the ramen. Her training kicked in and she started looking at this from more angles.

The shinobi appeared to have no real security towards holding her here, escape would be far too easy. Maybe a trap, though she was inclined to believe she wasn't being held here as a prisoner. Despite the feel of the base, experimentation on her seemed highly unlikely, as did forced breeding. Hmm...

If she, for whatever reason, did decide to stay here, what far reaching effects could be expected? ...Well, she wouldn't be getting a caged bird seal. Onee-chan would become the clanhead and heir... She, herself would never have to see that monster of a father again, though leaving poor onee-chan with him was unfortunate... She'd get to eat like this regularly... She'd get to stay with... Uh...

"Hey, what's your name?" Hanabi suddenly asked, realizing she was lacking a bit of information that might prove vital at this point.

"Eh? Oh, I didn't tell you yet did I? I'm Naruto. What's your name imouto-chan?" The guy said happily, before picking up a napkin and dabbing some broth off of her check.

"H, Hanabi..." She choked out, taking completely off guard by the surprisingly affectionate gesture. Her face grew hot all of a sudden.

"Tsk. Looks like the fever's back. That's really weird." Naruto commented, gently running a hand through her bangs to gauge her temperature from her forehead.

Flustered, she batted his hand away. "I'm fine, you jerk." Honestly, making her feel all... strange. Probably a genjutsu.

"Alright, alright. Let's get you to bed then, it's been a long day, neh?" The jounin told her before leading her off down a hall away from the cafeteria. "The village here doesn't have many personally owned buildings, so we'll be living in the barracks okay?"

That certainly didn't help calm her nerves like he had intended it to, but Hanabi wasn't one to let unease show. "I'd better have my own bathroom." She declared, internally berating herself for that being the best she could come up with.

"Each personnel room has a basic bathroom, but if you want to take an actual bath, you'll need to go to the bathhouse. The barracks only has showers." Her kidnapper told her, before stopping in front of a door. "This will be your room, okay? It's right next to mine and my genin team's so come to either of us if you need anything. Sweet dreams, imouto-chan."

Naruto gave the confused and slightly alarmed girl a light peck on the forehead before sending her off to bed. Once in her room, as the haze from a kitsune-charm enhanced kiss on the forehead faded, she decided that things were better off for her sister and clan if she stayed here. Surely her sacrifice wouldn't be in vain, right? And while she was far too young to even be aware of... certain things, the impulse to be close to her new big brother was still very strong.

Having bade his new little sister good night, Naruto yawned and stalked to the next door on the right, ready to go to bed himself. Fighting summon bosses had really leeched his chakra and the fight with the ultimate sashimi had somehow screwed up his equilibrium, though the effect came mercifully late compared to the event in question. He felt a little off, but nothing a good nap wouldn't cure.

Now, Yugito wasn't much of a girl. She was first and foremost a jinchuriki, with weapon directly underlaying that and kunoichi filling in what bits were left, meaning that her views as a girl were limited almost solely within the range of being a kunoichi. Things like modesty, shame and embarrassment were outside her scope and had little effect on her world view, other than knowing that other people had them for some reason. Seduction and sex were simply tools waiting to be taken out and used in her opinion, not so much from personal experience as from lessons instilled in true kunoichi.

She had decided she wanted Naruto for various reasons and was going to go about it in a manner she was sure would succeed. Utilizing her training, about the only emotions she expressly felt was excitement and nervousness. She was excited by what she was doing, sneaking into his room and presenting herself and just a little nervous about the minute possibility of rejection. She did her best to ignore both.

So it came to pass that, upon opening the door to his room, Naruto was treated to the sight of a thong-clad Yugito lounging on his bed with nothing else on. On top of the sheets.

His eyes widened and he froze, equal parts dreading the beating to come and riveted by the view spread before him.

Yugito grinned cattily, knowing rejection was not going to be a problem. With a flowing grace that mixed the smooth movements of a cat with those of a kunoichi, she slid off his bed and stalked to him, her carefully neutral face betrayed only by two tiny nubs on her torso that practically shouted her excitement. Or that the room was a bit chilly, which could certainly be true for her, seeing how she lacked any clothes to keep her warm.

She leaned in once she was a bit closer, rubbing her cheek against his and purring in anticipation of her eminent conquest. He shivered, his cheek apparently just as sensitive as her own. Still purring, she rested her head on his shoulder and lightly wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, giving her the leverage to none-to-subtly press his back against her well formed torso. "Hmm..." She purred out lazily. "Let's go to bed."

The poor fool swallowed and shifted, rubbing against her without intending to. "Uh... this is... my room?" He quietly protested, completely overwhelmed.

If that wasn't ego-boosting...

"Oh sensei, I was just..." A new, feminine voice suddenly piped in from that doorway before admitting a lingerie-clad Kin into the room. She froze and frowned from the entryway. "Who are you?"

Yugito unhappily eased her grip on her new favorite toy to be able to face the new-comer she now had to deal with. Her slitted eyes narrowed slightly as they found the top-heavy kunoichi in question. Damn, those were big... And they were surprisingly perky for their size too, not sagging like physics said they would. The jinchuriki winced imagining the back pain those had to give. If not for the nekomata's assistance, her own comparatively small set would be giving her all kinds of problems and they weren't even half that large.

And while her enormous breasts distracted Yugito the girl in semi-transparent underwear stepped boldly forward and seized an ear.

"Gya! Hey, those are sensitive! Let go!" The relatively under-endowed jinchuriki was quickly hauled off her victim.

"You're coming with me. We need to set some rules." Kin replied, still tugging on the ever-so-slightly pointed ear to guide the practically naked girl out of her sensei's room.

Naruto watched as Kin's lacy, scanty-clad rear and Yugito's dental-floss thin, thong-clad butt disappeared around the frame of his doorway before the door closed. It was no longer bed time. No, it was now cold shower time.

And then the door peeked open again. "Onii-chan, I can't fall asleep. Can I stay with you for a while?"

Kami-sama must hate him.

#Bath House#

Yugito shrieked unhappily as she discovered the busty young girl was a lot stronger than she appeared. With a casual flick of her wrist, Kin had thrown the now nude kunoichi into the large, hot spring themed bath before starting to strip off her own might-as-well-be-naked underwear and joining her.

The cat jinchuriki fumed. If this girl was being trained by her chosen mate, then she couldn't just kill her. In her own life only the Raikage, Kirabi and her personal instructor had had any sort of affection for her. Given the way she was deprived love compared to normal people, student teacher relationships must run pretty deep. Trying to remain aloof, she observed the other girl curiously.

"Ah. The bath really is the kind of place to have these discussions, isn't it?" Kin asked, lounging in the water.

Beneath the water Yugito subtly made the handsigns to disspell a genjutsu and pulsed her chakra. No reaction. Feeling inadequate, she turned her head away and tried to convince herself that some guys liked breasts of merely above average size. This was all the Icha Icha series' fault, the damn author drew almost every girl in proportion to that damn Tsunade. Oh, if she ever found him...

"Eh heh heh. So um... You won't happen to know anything about... er, forming and being in a harem, would you?" The Oto-nin asked, shifting her weight around and tracing a circle on the bath's rim.

Yugito considered that question. "Only in the capacity for slipping in and killing the lord in question."

"Ack, no. Not like that, I mean... Well, see, the young kunoichi's guide to seduction and romance-"

"Oh, you mean like that." Yugito tilted her head. "It means you'd have to share. And the one you were sharing would need lots of stamina... What are you trying to say?"

"Ah, well, stamina... right." Kin tried to stem the bleeding from her nose. "Yes, stamina. Stamina isn't a problem, sensei has lots of stamina."

The jinchuriki eyed the babbling girl. "Sensei? Hmm... Just who else is in this 'harem' that you're talking about?"

"Oh, well, there's me. And then there'll be you and once we find a few more girls..."

Yugito laughed, stretching out languidly. "And I would join you and a few others instead of taking him for myself because?"

"Obviously, with his stamina you'd never be able to satisfy him alone and once we have enough girls we can keep others away more effectively. Besides, everyone knows guys will go after the greater number of girls over any single one. All I have to say is that I'm open to it and you'll be left out in the cold." Kin stated evenly, blushing from her forehead to her chest.

Yugito silently admitted that the girl had a point. It certainly explained why lords and clan heads always had harems. But she couldn't admit defeat while it was still a one on one competition. "Oh? That maybe true, but it's still just you and me, so if I act first and tell him the exact same thing..."

Kin growled and stood up. "Do you want to fight?"

Yugito smirked, stood and took up a suggestive pose. "A young girl like you can't be expected to understand, but experience is often a deciding factor." She could tell by the raven-haired girl's face that she believed the bluff. Sucker.

Kin was devastated. Her plan, the ultimate strategy to get sensei and declare his greatness to the heavens was... was... Suddenly she gripped her left forearm tight and pointed the open hand at the former Kumo-nin. The kanji for 'pet' slowly faded into existence on her left palm. "You may not realize it, but you're a supernatural creature!"

"H, hey. Wait a second, let's just calm down." Yugito murmured placatingly. The nekomata in her head was yowling for her to run away. This wasn't good.

"I'll show you experience!" Kin cried, a wave of chakra building in the character on her hand. "Good girl!"

The chakra released and Yugito immediately clamped her thighs together, one hand automatically diving for her crotch, the other seizing one of her breasts as her back arched and her legs buckled. She shrieked in pleasure as her senses were overwhelmed and she whited out.

Yugito groaned as she fought her way back to consciousness. Her body was tingling and exhausted, but in a sort of pleasant, warm way. Afterglow, she mental labeled it, remembering being warned about the state in kunoichi training. It was a dangerous time, when area awareness and one's ability to sense their surroundings was sharply limited. Even a civilian could, if they were careful enough, sneak up and surprise a kunoichi in such a state.

With a lurch she focused on what she could feel, hear and smell before daring to open her eyes. She was laying in heated water still, doubtlessly the bath, propped by something soft and warm that partially wrapped around her. There wasn't much to hear, just the water flowing down through the heating system and back, though there was a rather strong scent of lilacs.

She opened her eyes was instantly struggling.

"Leggo." She managed to slur out, finding her body almost completely devoid of energy.

"If I do, you might drown." Kin told her warmly. "As it is, you're lucky I caught you when I did."

Yugito was sitting in the bath still, true. But somehow between the time she whited out and the time she came to she had ended up in the shorter kunoichi's lap and from there slumped against her with the younger girl's arm holding her in place.

Her training covered men and men only, finding herself thrust into an unexpected situation like this with a woman was not something she was trained to handle. If you replaced kunoichi with shinobi she would have almost automatically started flirting and cooing in his ear, despite her weakened state. With her weakness and the drastic difference of gender, however... She was shocked out of her trained seduction mode and that loss knocked away the mask of secure, confident bravado that let her stand naked in front of other unabashed and unapologetic.

Naturally she was mortified.

"Don' ca' leggo." The poor jinchuriki tried to flail, but Kin was conspicuously stronger when both of them were in top form.

"Don't be that way, we're practically sisters now. If you let a little thing like sitting in another girl's lap in the baths get to you, how can you ever hope to act seductive during an orgy?"

Yugito made a choking noise but failed to articulate a response. Clearly the Oto-nin was insane.

"Exactly. Now, are you going to accept being in sensei's harem... or..." The Kumo-nin found the grip on her shifting and tightening slightly. She squirmed, decidedly unhappy with being in such a weak state. There was also a minor issue of really, really not wanting to think about what the squishy thing pressed against her ribs was. "...would you like me to try the punishment hand instead?"

This called her attention to the two palms being presented to her. One had a kanji for 'pet', the other, for 'sit'. Terrified of the implications, she quickly shook her head.

"Good." The girl chirped happily, suddenly hugging Yugito tightly. "I hope we can learn a lot from each other, onee-chan!" Kin squealed, rubbing her face against the taller girl's collar.

Taking a moment to make she could speak correctly, the jinchuriki then asked what could be the most important question of this entire encounter. "Why?"

"Well you were just saying how you were experienced and I saw the way you were ogling my 'gravity definite version one' technique, so we have things to exchange and..."

Yugito coughed to quiet her. "I mean... meant, why is your sensei having you form a harem for him?"

"Oh, sensei doesn't know a thing about it, I want it to be a surprise. See, sensei is... well, he's just so..." Kin sighed dreamily. "I mean, you know, he's... Sensei..." The love struck girl huskily finished, blood slowly dripping from her nose again. "One girl can't possibly be enough! How could I possibly hope to satisfy him without six or seven sisters to help me?"

"S, six or seven?" Yugito repeated in disbelief.

"Oh you're right! We'll probably need around nine of us, total." Kin misinterpreted just what her captive couldn't belief. Suddenly the mokuton user turned her focus back onto the girl in her lap. The mischievous smirk promised horrible, terrible things in the Kumo-nin's near future. "Hmm... You don't have a place to stay in Otogakure, do you? You can share with me, it'll help us get used to each other. The bed might be a bit narrow for two, but we'll manage, right? Oh, and you can tell me where you hid the rest of your clothes in the morning!"

Yugito mewled weakly as the Oto-nin suddenly stood, holding her bridal style as if she didn't weight anything at all. She was displeased to note that there was something very heavy, soft and warm resting on her stomach and thighs, but she absolutely refused to acknowledge what the something was, despite having a pretty good idea given the build of the smaller girl.

The jinchuriki really, really hoped this wasn't going where she thought it was going. Seductions she could deal with, she was in control and that made it okay. Being as weak as a kitten in the mercies of a clearly not-quite-sane kunoichi who seemed to be suggesting her first real time be sapphic was not.

Please let Icha Icha GXP have been a lie!

#Konohagakure#

"All the other summons have dispelled already, so why has that one not?" Hiashi demanded from the Hokage.

"Phef, I don't know? Does it really matter, it stopped walking around after Jiraiya swamped its feet so just rebuild out of its reach and we'll find out how to kill it when everything else is taken care of." Obito replied lazily, skimming some paperwork in the temporary command tent, looking to all the world as though he was even more disinterested than he actually was. A summons that never dispelled was an oddity he really wanted to look into, but as Hokage there was just too much for him to deal with.

"That creature is in the middle of the traditional Hyuga compound. We can not rebuild until it has been dealt with." The white-eyed man countered in a haughty, disdaining tone.

"I don't know, I kind of thought there were more important things for you to be dealing with. Your daughter, for instance." Obito focused a bit of fire-imbued chakra into the sheet and watched in satisfaction as it burst into flames before crumbling into ash and falling from his fingers.

Hiashi quailed at the suggestion. He was uncertain of how Hinata's sister had been kidnapped, but the girl had since avoided him. He had caught, at most, three glimpses of her since her last match in the finals. But it hardly mattered now, until a search team found and returned Hanabi there was no grounds to place the seal on her.

First his wife, giving her life to try and stall the Kumo-nin so soon after giving birth to Hanabi. Then his brother, choosing to sacrifice himself for Hiashi's sake. Both lost because Hinata had been too weak to draw the attention of her sentries. Too weak to even fight back.

He had always resented the girl for that, driving away any comfort she could find and leaving her as weak as ever so that when the time came he could hand her off to wallow and suffer. Some part of him knew it wasn't truly her fault, that she wasn't intentionally mocking him by reminding him of his deceased wife. That sometimes life really was so unfair as to take everything from you, even a deserving target for your revenge.

But things moved swiftly and no matter how illogical, the resentment remained. Two of his closest, most precious people had sacrificed themselves so that Hinata could live. He knew that, yet still all her could see when he looked at the girl was a lack of gratitude or respect for the ones who died for her. An unwillingness and inability to grow strong on her own so that more protectors wouldn't have to die on her behalf. A mockery of what her mother and uncle represented.

"Ah, Hatake-san. I was expecting you. You can go Hiashi." The arrogant man who had somehow been made Hokage told him, shaking the Hyuga lord from his thoughts.

The white-eyed clanhead left, decidedly unhappy with the world.

"Now then." Obito quickly performed a few half-signs with his free hand and put up a privacy jutsu as another request for assistance was turned to smoldering ashes. "Would you care to explain why Sasuke was under a genjutsu to re-enact scenes from Icha Icha during the finals?"

Kakashi glanced over the cover of S-Icha-Icha-Ed. "Seemed like a good idea at the time." He shrugged, turning his attention back to the book.

Obito pinched his nose. "So somehow you got it in your head that putting a Sharingan reinforced genjutsu on a genin clanhead that basically compelled him to rape a kunoichi from a foreign village in front of various lords from across the elemental nations was a good idea. How, exactly?"

The cyclopes flipped a page. "The Mangekyo is activated by extreme stress, I figured attempting to perform such scenes in front of a vast collection of people would cause some form of anxiety and poof, free Mangekyo without the corpse usually involved." It was a very skillful save if the jounin had ever heard one.

Obito sighed and rubbed his temples. "In a perverse way you're lucky, Hatake. Between how disjointed and unevenly matched the fights were, the sleep jutsu used and the attack on our village, we were able to pass it off as part of a genjutsu designed to damage the Uchiha clan name. All the pet-nins the visiting lords had that might have disproved this were slaughter by the orange masked Akatsuki shinobi. But..." Obito slammed his palm on the desk as he stood, glaring at his subordinate. "You are not going to attempt to give Sasuke the Mangekyo again, understood?"

"Hai, hai." Kakashi murmured in agreement, turning another page.

"Because if you do, I'll have Jiraiya give me spoilers for everything he writes..."

"Yes, Hokage-sama. I understand completely." The one-eyed jounin closed his precious book and saluted.

"Good. There's another reason I called you here, though. As you can probably guess, the village is in a difficult position. While overall casualties were low, the complete destruction of the buildings that composed Konohagakure is an almost unbearable blow to morale and the number of injured is high. Not to mention the numerous Anbu corpses littering every surface that we'll have to clean up before we can rebuild. Given the circumstances, I'm sending out three genin teams with Jiraiya on an... evaluation mission. Currently our forces are down and the reserve force is tapped out, so one of the teams is going to have Jiraiya's apprentice added since we need everything we can get back in circulation again. The candidate teams are yours, Kurenai's and Gai's. The mission will be fairly simple and you're only along to evaluate how she interacts with everyone to find the best teamwork possible. Your mission will be simple, find Tsunade and get her to return here. By whatever means necessary. The Sandaime was too lenient and we're almost to a crisis point, we need our best medic home."

Kakashi swallowed. That, that was a suicide mission... "Ahem, the genin's name, sir?" But rather a suicide mission than having spoilers read to him.

Obito smirked. "Karyu Namikaze."

Suddenly the village was filled with a foghorn like cry of anguish and the ground rumbled.

"Dammit, I told them to wait until we had the resources to get rid of it." Obito shouted, disappearing from the office to make sure the apparently eternal colossus summons didn't break free and trample the partially rebuilt village. Again.

Kakashi's nerveless fingers dropped his book.

#Otogakure#

Zaku sighed, deactivating the green glow of a diagnostic jutsu. Kimimaro coughed deeply and a slight trickled of blood dribbled from one corner of his mouth.

"How is he?" His illustrious village leader asked, still in his borrowed body's natural form.

"As near as I can tell, every time he uses the seal it starts eating away at his coil. It's not accelerating a disease like Kabuto's notes suggested, it's... I think it's making his body devour itself." Zaku shuffled nervously, deeply hoping to impress his superior.

Orochimaru frowned thoughtfully, the expression coming across as something of a pout on the feminine face he was wearing. "I see. The same effect forces me to flee to a new body every three years..." For a brief moment the Otokage considered the problem. "Ku ku ku, so by applying a cursed seal I accelerate the process. No wonder the amount of time seemed to grow shorter with each new body."

He failed to realize, of course, that it was part of a hollow's nature to need to consume energy directly from an outside source and that translated into those he marked as a side-effect. But then he didn't really know what he had made himself into to become immortal either.

"Even with all the research notes we have, this is just beyond my abilities. I'm sorry I failed you Orochimaru-sama." Zaku bowed low.

Orochimaru took a moment to reply, putting some deliberation into his answer. Kimimaro and Naruto had both fought against forces far beyond anything he could have expected them to, illustrating a principle the Otokage had long forgotten. Valuable subordinates were hard to come by, exceedingly so if you wanted them to be truly loyal to you. No one was as loyal as Kimimaro and while the body would be nice, it was better to have support. There were plenty of exceptionally fit enemies to steal the bodies of, after all.

"Tell Naruto he will be joining me for a mission and needs to meet me at the gate in an hour." He had come to a decision. While subordinates were disposable, so was the body he was wearing. With either, the better care he took with it, the rarer he'd need to find a suitable replacement.

And there was only one potential medic he could expect to understand unique physiology quickly enough to save Kimimaro. Besides, wouldn't it just enrage Jiraiya and Sarutobi to know Tsunade still chose him over both them and the village? Ku ku ku...

How to seduce her though? Money? Knowledge? Those experiments he no longer needed in section 6? That girl he'd transformed in sea country? Perhaps reviving her dead brother and that foolish lover of hers as undead zombie servants?

There was so very much to consider, should he wear his actual face or the friendly mask she'd associate with as her old teammate? Should he kill her assistant to keep the girl from interfering? Should he pretend to like the stupid, flirty snake jokes she always seemed to make around him? Should he think of himself as whatever gender the body was or just stick to male at all times?

But more importantly, if he found out why the cursed seal kept killing the ninja who used it, he could probably find a way to tie that in with upping the survival rate and creating stronger, faster, more numerous cursed seal zombies for the inevitable day he'd need to unleash them. There was a world's worth of people out there determined to kill him, after all, soon or later there'd come a day he'd need to replace that world by clearing the slate.

It was about this time he discovered that his undisguised form had an evil laugh reminiscent of a giggling high school girl.

#Author's Notes#

Well I'm back. And a new quarter has started, so updates will be sparse. Very sparse. There are time I wonder just what I was thinking when I signed up for this, but meh. It'll pay off later on. Or so I tell myself.

So, anyways... This chapter really didn't want to be written. I mean, like, 'sitting at the screen and watching it flicker dimly in the onset of the dawn without having done anything' didn't want to be written. But now it's over.

And this chapter is, one hundred percent, completely, set-up for things later to come. Sad, isn't it?

There really isn't all that much I have to say and complain about now... Well, except that I doubt I'll ever read Naruto again... And that Gol can't possibly be Ace's father. If he is, that means Dragon may not come and we'll never get to see the revolutionary army in action!

But that's One Piece, so I don't expect many of you care.

And before we leave off on that note, ashura paths are always going to sink. Wanna guess why?

Desu/Dattebayo – Things added to the end of a sentence to emphasize whatever you said before it. Desu is something along the lines of 'that it is' and dattebayo was translated as 'believe it' in the Naruto dubs. I expect Tobi will be pretty much the only character to use such phrases.


	10. Author Forgot The Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

Chapter Ten: Author Forgot About The Ramen

#Otogakure#

Yugito shifted uncomfortably, wishing not for the first time that she hadn't been caught and that the one who caught her was less clingy. They hadn't actually performed any sort of yuri acts, other than the black haired girl teasing and complimenting her for various potentially lewd characteristics. Never before had her gracefulness been pointed out as a means of attracting someone, or her lithe frame declared desirable. Probably because everyone hated and feared her back home, but it was nice to know why mens' eyes had lingered on her hungrily despite knowing what she contained.

For most of the experience she had been helplessly weak, forced to just go along with her captor's will right up until they fell asleep sharing a bed. At which point the shorter, bustier girl revealed a few traits Yugito could have lived without knowing about.

To begin with, the shorter girl grabbed and cuddled anything within reach while unconscious, once more demonstrating her impossible strength with the arms slung around the jinchuriki's ribs. Thankfully she didn't squeeze very hard, but the former Kumo-nin couldn't escape despite both her training and the power of the biju locked inside her. Speaking of which, the biju seemed cowed and almost submissive instead of the typical, foul-tempered yowling Yugito had grown to ignore over the years. The idea of holding someone was a novel, if foreign, pleasure, something the girl had been completely denied growing up. It was... nice, warm and safe. Now if only it was with her hugger's sensei instead...

Naturally, by coming to relax into the sensation, Yugito discovered the girl's other bad sleeping habits. The girl mumbled things in her sleep, mostly harmless 'oh sensei' and 'harder, faster' sort of things at first. Things that built until the sleeping beauty was practically reading Icha Icha No.6 out loud. Not a harmful habit, but it kept Yugito awake as every time she closed her eyes a graphic, explicit scene played out in her head between her and the chef. The sex was fine, but the rich emotional intimacy threw her out of her depth and left her blushing in confused, embarrassed bliss. Was that what it was like to be loved? Damn the younger kunoichi for spouting off such imagery.

And then came the final flaw. When her shoulder had started to feel slightly moist, she believed it was just the smaller girl drooling slightly in her sleep. A forgivable flaw. But then her dainty nose detected a coppery scent that slowly grew stronger as the wetness spread. Blood. The petite, big-breasted girl had sleep nosebleeds. Not as bad as the ones she experienced when awake, but enough to make Yugito squirm which in turn made the arms around her tighten in a reminder that the short girl was a whole lot stronger than the jinchuriki was.

The poor, cat-eyed kunoichi didn't get any sleep at all that night. Fortunately a biju made its host more resistant to things like malnutrition and lack of sleep, so it wasn't a great hassle, just a point of annoyance. How to wake up the Oto-nin though...

Knock knock knock. "Kin-chan, are you still asleep?"

The younger girl was awake instantly, climbing off Yugito and dashing towards her dresser to try and find the sexy orange lingerie she had. "Just a minute sensei!"

The Kumo-nin propped herself up, allowing the sheets to pool at her hips, watching in bemused disbelief while rubbing away the blood staining her left shoulder.

Kin tugged on some scanties and fastened a lacy, slightly see-through bra on before declaring she was ready. "Come in sensei!"

The door swung open carelessly, revealing the target of both girls' lust and a short, young Hyuga. A female short, young Hyuga.

Naruto froze soon after entering the room, eyes quickly locking onto Yugito's bare torso until he realized what he was doing and instantly looked away. Straight to, or rather through, Kin's orange 'why bother, it's almost invisible' underwear. He rapidly averted his eyes, ending up staring at Yugito again as she slid her legs off the bed and planted her feet on the floor as if to stand, her legs spread almost enough for him to... His eyes swept away, trying to avoid getting him beaten by irate females, catching again on Kin as she, for reasons known only to her, tested the heft of her bust against the bra.

Yugito purred at the attention she was getting. He was obviously enthralled, but too shy to initiate anything, leaving her in complete control. Well, her and possibly Kin. But it was best to not push right at the start, there were issues to resolve with Kin first.

"And who's this?" The female jinchuriki asked, crouching at just the right angle to display her chest and conceal her crotch while pretending to investigate the Hyuga. No caged-bird seal, definitely main-branch.

It amused her to no end to see him tilt slightly as his focus came back to her, trying to glimpse something. Then he latched onto what she'd said and jarred himself back to the subject at hand. "Oh, this is Hanabi-chan. I found her on our last mission and she was all alone, so I made her my imouto-chan." The chef answered, patting the girl's hair which made the little Hyuga frown, knock his hand away and adjust her hair back to Hyuga standards. "Otokage-datesha gave me a new mission and I was hoping Kin-chan could look after her while I'm gone."

"Onii-sama! I don't need-" The little girl started.

"Of course I'll look after her for you, sensei." Kin cried, dashing over and cuddling the small white-eyed girl, making her struggle. "She's so cute!"

Yugito took the opportunity to slip around the others and plaster herself to her target's back. "Yes, we'll take good care of her." She purred, drinking in the scent of ramen from the chef's cheek as she rubbed her own cheek against his jaw.

"Ah. Good." He muttered woodenly.

"I'm sure your mission is important, but try to hurry back. I'll miss you." She ended in a husky purr, gently scooting him out the door and closing it behind him, a wave of amusement crashing through her as she turned back. The Oto-nin and the Hyuga were still struggling, though it was obvious the smaller girl had realized that Kin was monstrously strong and breaking free was a wasted effort compared to slipping out.

The cat-eyed girl smirked. Her victory this time, dear inexperienced Kin-chan.

The Hyuga finally found enough purchase to slid out from the big-breasted kunoichi's grip. She glared haughtily at both of them before straighten her hair again and pointing aggressively at them. "And just what is your relationship with onii-sama?"

Yugito smirked as Kin smiled serenely, clearly on the verge of damning herself. "I'm his student and Yugito-chan here is one of his harem-girls."

The fiery little girl turned blazing white eyes on her and the jinchuriki realized that for everything else she maybe, Kin is still a kunoichi too.

#Konohagakure#

Hinata was unhappy.

This was, relatively speaking, normal for her. As an unmotivated, weak and solitary Hyuga, there wasn't much in her life to be happy about, especially when one factored in that both sides of her family hated and resented her on some level. The main house for her weaknesses, the branch house for being in the main house and her father for resembling his wife. She was almost tempted to think the only reason he'd bothered to make the status of heir suspended between herself and Hanabi was because if he ever did place Hinata in the branch house she'd be able to find comfort and camaraderie among them.

Typically, for about the last decade, Hinata being unhappy meant Hinata was depressed. This time, however, that wasn't the case.

No, the Hyuga princess was enraged. Maybe a little saddened, but overriding that was an unmitigated anger.

Her sister, her own dear, sweet little sister was out there somewhere, hidden away at Otogakure. Hidden away with... him. Swoon.

Hinata didn't know how or why, but for whatever reason Hanabi had found the one thing that was meant to be Hinata's, the one thing Hinata truly wanted and cared about. The one love of Hinata's life, her only source of joy in a bleak and hostile world.

Naturally, in the typical Hanabi fashion, the spoiled little brat decided she deserved it and somehow stole herself away with Hinata's One True Love.

Many were the training logs and straw dummies to feel the Hyuga princess's wrath.

On some level she had always hated the caged bird seal, it had indirectly separated her from most of her brethren and been a constant, looming threat amid her nightmares.

Now, on the other hand, she was starting to actually see it's merit.

Oh, when they found and rescued that ungrateful whelp Hinata was going to stamp it on her forehead so fast her dear imouto-chan would suffer whiplash. That jounin was hers, hers and hers alone! But she could forgive her, poor, misguided little sister. A few sessions with the seal and a bit of... reeducation about what was Hinata's being Hinata's and they'd be a prefect, loving family again.

And if her evil, beloved younger sibling should have somehow seduced Hinata's One True Love astray, well, the clan wouldn't put up much of a fuss about stamping their future leader's consort with an extra seal to... keep their secrets for them, right? It wasn't all that complicated to... teach... someone to love, was it? After all, Hinata's One True Love was destined to love Hinata and only Hinata anyway, right? So her lending a hand to fate was expected, praiseworthy even.

She was such a good person, taking in a shinobi from a second-rate village like that and elevating them the levels of nobility.

Reconnaissance would be necessary, of course, to find out just how far things had gone and how... intensive the... special training would need to be. But first her duty as a kunoichi of Konohagakure called, perhaps she could wheedle a technique or two from Tsunade-sama. Seduction methods were easy enough to find, but ways of backing it up were scarce without risk of turnabout. An experienced, almost legendary kunoichi, especially one formerly teamed with Jiraiya, would have to know all sorts of ways to not get caught off guard by counter seduction techniques.

...And she had this nagging feeling that she was falling behind somehow.

Of course, when you've never even actually started the race it's hard to be considered in the running.

#Sunagakure#

Baki walked solemnly into the council chamber, his face carefully neutral as he tried to feel out the mood of those within.

"Elite jounin Baki no Kunpuu, as you are most likely aware, Sunagakure is currently balanced on the brink of destruction. We have no kage. Two opposing, powerful villages and their allies are questioning where our true loyalty lies. Our jinchuriki has just been declared a target by what is potentially the most dangerous group of missing-ninja in existence and, perhaps worse of all, every viable Kazekage candidate was slain either four months ago by Zetsu's Chef on a 'jerky run' or during the recent disaster at Konohagakure. Can you guess why you were called here, Baki no Kunpuu?" An elder of the Kisuna tribe called out into the silence of the room.

Baki considered the question, rephrasing it in his mind to try and find any hidden messages or pitfalls presented. He really hated this part of being a ninja. "To assist in selecting and integrating the next Kazekage during this turbulence, as a trusted aide of the previous kage."

The elder gave a dry, humorless chuckle, smiling pityingly as he spoke. "That is an entirely reasonable and humble estimate. Perhaps too humble. Are you not among the most powerful ninja Sunagakure retains?"

A sinking feeling entered Baki's mind as he saw where this was headed. "I am quite certain that Gaara is Sunagakure's most powerful ninja." He answered evasively.

Nodding, the elder continued. "And have you not proven both your loyalty to this village and your willingness to perform any act to protect and advance it?"

"Any of Sunagakure's jounin should be expected to do the same." Baki shifted his stance, trying to put a defeated air into his body language.

"And who else, in this entire village, can claim any familiarity with the Yondaime's filing system?"

Baki slumped. There had to be a way out of this.

"Perhaps we should skip this little game. Time is scarce and something must be done. Baki no Kunpuu, do you or do you not agree to do all within your ability to protect this village." Chiyo no Akasuna demanded, having grown bored of the petty attempts to dance around the issue.

There was only one reply Baki was capable of, though he knew he'd never be able to handle what was to come. "Until the life has fled from my body, I will protect this village."

"Very well. You're now the Godaime Kazekage." Chiyo threw a light blue, triangle hat with the kanji for 'wind' at him. "Now get to work, Orochimaru may be patient, but the new Hokage doesn't seem the type to sit and wait. You'll need to form a reply quickly. Adjourned!"

Baki stared at the hat resting in his hands for a long moment. Questions of funding, alliances and the current reserve forces battling in the forefront of his mind with disaster, trade, contracts and crime waiting in the wings. He knew what a kage had to deal with, actually fighting people was almost at the bottom of the list and playing tactical and word game against others were typically rivaled for the top.

He was a soldier, dammit, he wasn't suppose to deal with politics.

... If this is what it took to save his village, then it was the same sworn duty to protect his village as a soldier that was driving him. Duty...

With slow, unsteady hands, the new Kazekage lifted the hat and placed it on his head before rising and stalking to his new office.

#Konohagakure#

Asuma watched, bemused as his students bid farewell to the Tsunade hunting party, sharing one final glance with Kurenai while the genin gossiped and fussed like civilians. He hoped she'd be able to contain Jiraiya, since in the past it'd taken both her and Anko to drive him off after Tsunade had left. And no one had seen Anko since the second part of the chunin exams. Huh, he should probably have been concerned about that.

The jounin blew a modest gout of smoke, snubbing his cigarette as he watched Ino and Sakura argue over something and inadvertently kill Sakura's chunin teammate. Almost made him long for the time when he was just a genin himself. Things had been so much simpler then. He found that his hands had somehow lit another smoke without his brain telling them to.

His father had left the village recently, just packed up and wandered away, taking Gai's crippled genin with him. The nobles were less than thrilled with the way things were going, between the invasion, destruction and confusion, Asuma could hardly blame them. Recalling Tsunade only made sense at this point. And on top of that the Uchiha numbers had dropped dramatically again, leaving just eight adults and an entire mess of brats that had been meant to restart the clan.

Yet, at the same time, it wasn't completely bad news. After all, the wife and daughter of Konoha's greatest hero had returned. And thinking of that...

"Not going to see her off?" The bearded ninja asked lazily as he puffed from his new cig.

"Hmph, with how long she's been waiting for this day? I'd just embarrass her." Kushina's voice drifted from one of the walls behind him.

He obligingly stayed silent, understanding when not to press such things from being raised by an in-term Hokage.

#Also Konohagakure#

"Kekko-dono, Itachi-sama and Kisame-sama have already left after Tatsumaki-chan. Shouldn't Tobi be..." One masked ninja in a red and black cloak asked another.

"Shh!" The other masked ninja in a red and black cloak replied quickly, before hugging herself and muttering about adventure and challenges.

"Tobi is very confused. Wasn't Kekko-dono assigned to capture the Kyuubi specifically so Jiraiya-san would be easily defeated and allow Kisame-sama and Itachi-sama to slay all of the promising Konoha genin because in three years when they'd become improbably powerful threats to the much older and more experienced ninja of the world they'd already be dead in the plan Tobi mind-hacked Leader-sama into using? Tobi was pretty sure stalking redheads and premeditating graphic yuri rape scenes upon them wasn't in Tobi's plan... Tobi prefers mecha cos-play hentai himself and that's not in the plan either..." The first ninja whined.

Finally the cloaked kunoichi turned to face him, embarrassment and anticipation warring for control. "Just, just go cause a distraction." She started fidgeting. "A big distraction, so even if someone yells or ah, moans, no matter how loud or blissful or often or..." The kunoichi mumbled for a bit before speaking coherently again. "..or that or this no one will be coming to rescue you, Uzumaki-chan..." She then grabbed herself through her cloak again and mimed embracing someone with a deep, passionate kiss while-

"Tobi doesn't understand. Kisame-sama and Itachi-sama are the distraction and..."

"Just go away!" Kekko suddenly commanded, preparing to strike.

Tobi's world was shattered. Sniffling pathetically, he turned and sulked down some random dark alley that had as of yet to be properly excavated of debris. Following his partner's wishes, Tobi closed his right eye.

...

Madara opened his left eye. Strange... Where was he?

Tobi was only suppose to awaken him in his room, so he could analyze and compose the next facet of his plan. Why would his alter ego release control in a dark, rubble-filled alleyway? And what city was this anyway? The architecture was nothing like Uzugakure's, it was almost like...

The oldest known living Uchiha's eye caught on a nearby cliff face, marred as it was by three faces and a crater. His breath caught in his throat. That... that was the Hokage monument. This town, this damaged and decrepit looking town... It was Konoha.

There was only one reason Madara could conceive of for Tobi to awaken him in Konohagakure once more. They'd done it, they'd succeeded in showing that bastard who doesn't even deserve to be named the true power and glory of the Uchiha clan! Konoha must surely be a ruin, meaning he was here to witness the results of his ultimate victory!

Skipping happily into the partially cleared road, the man named the equivalent of 'spot' found something horrifying to behold. Reconstruction!

Damn, he hadn't thought of that. Destroying Konoha wasn't enough if there were still people left alive to rebuild.

After making a quick will save against his rage, he attempted a bluff. The foreman summoned ANBU.

Taking a moment to review his abilities he then settled on calling the powers of a god through his Sharingan.

Let's see, the character sheet said his religion was... Hmm, it appeared he'd erased that data as it was he who deserved to be worshiped as a deity and no offered religion had that. Okay, well, maybe if he just altered his back-story here, here and there, so that he was around to witness and therefore copy...

It was at about this time that the ANBU reached him and promptly arrested him on suspicion of of being an enemy of Konohagakure.

#Back To The Interesting Parts#

Kekko Katsuragi leapt from hiding, casting aside her black and red cloak to distract the jounin-sensei as she smoothly lashed out to restrain her target.

The Akatsuki kunoichi was in enemy territory, which unfortunately meant she needed to use a persuasion technique to make her target complacent enough to be hauled off to an undisclosed location and... blush. Unfortunate, course of, because the whole reason she was after Kushina was for the challenge of it.

As Asuma sliced through her empty cloak with a wind-empowered trench knife, Kekko used a doujutsu to try and erode her victim's will.

While mostly known as kekkei genkai, doujutsu was once as legitimate a field as ninjutsu for 'ordinary' ninja. In the olden days of ninja lore, before practitioners of clan techniques developed inherent abilities based around those clan techniques, doujutsu was a rare and closely guarded means of fighting. Just by glaring at someone a doujutsu user could stop someone's heart or make them so terrified they killed themselves. For the most part it was about channeling intent more directly and well focused than just emitting it, making the receiver feel whatever the user wanted. There might have been some sight enhancement too, but it was primarily meant to impose what the user wanted felt. That's actually why the Byakugan was deemed 'Evil Eye' before its users got so wrapped up in seeing through things that they forgot how to make people kill themselves by glancing at them.

The best part was, no hand signs once you could use a feeling with genin level proficiency, even before developing a kekkei genkai version!

One flash of tenshin metsuki no jutsu later and scarf-clad kunoichi jumped eagerly to scoop her obsession up in her arms.

Only to dive aside as a katana whisked forward to try and bisect her head, nicking her long scarf in passing. She took a defensive stance upon landing, drawing her flail from... somewhere as she gauged her truly worthy foe.

For all the worth of a blind affection doujutsu attack coupled with her own kekkei genkai aura, the redhead was unphased. Completely unphased, her eyes held a sentient clarity that said she'd shrugged off the attempt in an instant.

Kekko squealed happily, hugged herself and started shifting back and forth inappropriately, mumbling joyfully about real difficulty, earning what she took and making the right choice. The time it took to wear her down last time hadn't just been a fluke!

"You surprised me before. Arashi-kun only trained me to be able to resist Jiraiya and after his death, Jiraiya only trained me in how to resist ever conceivable tactic a male seducer might use. It isn't quite the same, but knowing what you intend to do is enough to bridge that gap. For slandering my husband, you will die." Kushina declared slowly, her grip and stance shifting.

Everyone else present collapsed or flinched from the enormous killing intent the red haired woman reeked of. Except Kekko, she'd dealt with all kinds of prudish people discovering their partner had fallen for her charms and repeated exposure made her almost unphasible by anything short of 'I will kill the people that eat the animals that ate the plants that grew from your corpse' levels of hatred. From humans at least.

In fact the sensation made her shiver in excitement, by gauging the level of hate she could also measure how desperately the target would resist while clinging to that person's memory and this level beat most of the 'previous lover was killed in front of you less than twenty minutes ago by this person' she'd experienced.

What? Sometimes she needed to dig pretty deep to find something to keep her interested.

The nude ninja dodged a furious thrust and lashed her flail back in response, attacking the weapon more than the beautiful challenge wielding it. Bruising her new toy would need to wait until she was strapped to a wall or kinky sadomasochistic dungeon device after all.

The redhead kept herself from being disarmed and lunged in towards her masked opponent's left, making the other kunoichi scoff at how easily evaded the reprisal was.

Until her danger-sense alerted her to the fact she was flanked, barely save her perfect, flawless skin, but unfortunately not rescuing her trailing red scarf.

Leaping away from her enemies the naked fighter glared at the bearded, trench-knife using smoker. "That was my favorite scarf! My sempai gave it to me! Where the hell is Tobi, he's suppose to be distracting you!"

#There The Hell Was Tobi#

"That hair... Those eyes... You're an Uchiha Hokage?" Madara stumbled back, finding himself in some bizarro-twilight zone version of his home village and desperately wondering where Tobi had taken him now. Then he noticed he had somehow been put in chains. Not literally of course as ninja used wires, but the effect was basically the same. He'd probably need a strength check of around forty five to break them on the first try and they'd damage him about 2d8 for each failed attempt, so...

"Was an Uchiha." The raven-haired man in traditional red-kage robes admitted, lifting a swirling ball of blue chakra in his right hand. "And now I'm going to use this to drill off your limbs until you tell me everything you know about the summons you used that won't go away. Then I think we'll see which country is willing to bid the most for the head of the shinobi that killed their nobles. Or maybe gift wrap it for the new Kazekage... Now, I assume a ninja on your level can probably get free pretty easily, but it'll be much less painful if you just hold still okay?"

"Wait a second, it's my turn."

"Huh?"

"You just showed up so now it's my turn. It's the gentlemanly way to fight." Seeing as this was some strange world where the Uchiha won and the Senju lost, it only made sense that the ninja here fought with all that chivalry and honor and nonsense that everyone always complained about them lacking, right?

"Ah man, another wimp in red and black robes. Now I feel kinda bad about this. Rasengan!"

#Now Where Were We#

"I'll show you who you're dealing with!" Kekko shouted, knocking Asuma out with a nosebleed from sheer lust intent.

She dove towards the jounin's unconscious body only to be barred by a blade that would have taken her head off, had the chain of her flail not wedged itself between the edge and her throat. "I'll deal with you later, darling. Right now I need to teach this... smoker a lesson. Don't relieve any tension while I'm gone okay?" The masked kunoichi told her redheaded target affectionately before leaning in over their weapons and pressing the lower part of her mask to the woman's lips.

And then, while the widow was recoiling, the Akatsuki member locked their weapons, disarmed her opponent and used a wind-chakra powered flail sweep to destroy the front of her kimono.

She then landed dashingly far away, holding the knocked out jounin like a sack of rice over one shoulder as she looked back over the other. With a wink and blown kiss gesture she fled from the village.

A red-faced Kushina grumbled as she tried to piece together her clothes enough to sulk home. Defeated again. She needed more training...

Ino glanced at her teammates, both of whom had been caught in the edges of Kekko's parting shot. While disgusted by the response from her longest known friends, she found herself wanting the power she'd just witnessed on display. To take out a jounin with just a sparkly eyes technique...

Belatedly she realized her not so beloved sensei had just been kidnapped and ran to get help.

#Otogakure#

The three opponents gauged each other in a highly damaged bedroom, each knowing their next move would simply escalate the already volatile situation.

Yugito had discovered that even the presence of Kin's chakra when she was aggravated could slow her down. On the bright side it turned out the vaulted Jyuuken was only capable of annoying jinchuriki, despite its rather long history of killing even an upper tier ninja in a single blow.

Kin had found that even with most of the tenketsu in her arms blocked, so long as she focused on the right feel to her chakra, she could still change how supernatural creatures felt. Unfortunately she'd also found out exactly what it felt like to survive a semi-fatal strike to her innards thanks to her kekkei genkai based regeneration.

And young Hanabi was perplexed. The big-breasted bimbo that claimed to be her new onii-chan's student, though was obviously some kind of demented fangirl, had some sort of kekkei genkai that let her recover from the not-quite-safe points that the man who was once her father taught her. That was sort of a good thing as killing her onii-chan's student would probably get her scolded anyways. The problem was the harem-girl. She wasn't sure how, but whenever she closed a tenketsu on her a secondary chakra source just welled up within her and popped the closed point open again. And that was when she actually managed to hit her.

"Well, that was certainly a nice work out, now let's take a nice bath together to try and discuss this in a more civilized manner, shall we?" Kin suddenly suggested sweetly, dropping her stance and wiping sweat from her forehead.

"Discuss what, exactly." Yugito asked curiously, relaxing as the only threat to her apparently gave up.

"Why, who's first, of course."

Yugito glanced at the confused Hyuga girl. "First? ...You can't be serious, she's like seven!"

"Ah, the forbidden fruit of loli-incest. What man can resist such a thing."

Yugito shivered, disgusted by the depravity her fellow kunoichi represented. She tried to form a reply when the girl in question interrupted.

"What's loli-incest and I'll have you know I'm..." How old was Hinata-onee-chan again? "...twelve."

Both other girls looked pointedly at her chest and shook their heads.

"What!"

"Hyuga have B-cups by ten. You really should know these things. But that's why we need to milk the loli aspect for all it's worth while you've still got it." Kin declared. "Now, let's go to the baths and Kin-onee-chan will explain everything to you."

"Oh no. Naruto-san told you to look after her, not turn her into a sexual deviant. You aren't going anywhere with her." Yugito glared, fully prepared to go two tails if that's what it took.

Hanabi frowned. "What's sexual mean?"

"Well, when an incredibly attractive and skilled cook and a large number of ninja-trained women love each other very much-" Kin started, quickly being silenced by Yugito.

"We'll tell you when you're older." The jinchuriki told the youngest girl plainly, cringing as Kin licked her palm in an attempt to gross her into uncovering the bustier girl's mouth. "Won't we, Kin-chan?"

Kin grumbled at the loss of the power of loli and incest in seducing their target, but brightened and nodded upon realizing loli was practically the opposite of big breasts and if sensei fell for it he won't find her as attractive. "Yes, when you're older." She confirmed once her lips were free of Yugito's hand.

"Ah, but I want to know now! Tell me!" Hanabi might be the disciplined heir to a powerful clan, but she was also a spoiled princess even if she didn't show it often.

"Hmm. You know we never did retrieve your clothes, did we Yugito-chan?" Kin said, stalking off to the baths and ignoring the short, white-eyed girl.

#Konohagakure#

Tobi blinked his left eye rapidly, confused. Somehow he seemed to have lost his arms and legs, but for the life of him he couldn't think of how. Hmm. Where could he have put them?

While lost in thought he absently tugged his disembodied left arm out of his sleeve with his disembodied right arm and put it back on before tugging his severed right arm out from underneath his mask and putting it back on.

Oh, that's where his arms went! He was attached to them this whole time.

Happy to have solved this mystery, he stood up and walked out of his high security holding cell, ignoring the guards that weren't really there as they vanished while he strode by. He had to find his partner after all, he couldn't get distracted here. He was a good boy!

Reaching behind the bandoleer across his chest he scratched the side of his left foot, stepping down the stairs at a quick, but totally unsuspicious pace.

Hmm, if Tobi was an unhinged nympho kunoichi with a jutsu-enhanced capability to get a hard-on for yuri despite gender issues, where would Tobi go?

…

For some reason he was sure Kekko-dono wouldn't be at an all female mecha themed cos-play event, but it's where Tobi's libido told him she'd be and he'd much rather listen to that then his brain.

#Otogakure#

Naruto...

You remember Naruto right? This is a story about Naruto.

Naruto leapt along behind Orochimaru and his four bodyguards, following them instinctively despite his eyes being focused on the picture in his hand.

The large breasted twenty-something blond woman featured in it, while distinct and eye-catching, was not what kept him captivated. Or rather, her figure wasn't.

There was a mark, a tiny diamond shaped symbol, that rested on her forehead. And for some reason the more he stared at that simple, strangely shaped dot, the more he understood the nature of the human body and how chakra interacted upon it medically. Oh, and every insignificant feature, measure and blemish its wearer had, but that wasn't the sort of thing he wanted to know from reading a blotted up seal. Or, as his new knowledge provided, someone quite that old.

"Hey fuck-wad, you done gawking at the blond hag's tits yet or what?" The team's abrasive kunoichi demanded from somewhere in front of him.

"Eh? Oh, sorry. That seal on her forehead's just so complicated..." The chef replied, tucking away the photo as the other members of Orochimaru's bodyguard squad chuckled at what they thought was an obvious lie.

The kunoichi in turn ignored them, aside from muttering about 'fucking useless perverts' under her breath.

"Ku ku ku. And what's so fascinating about her seal?" Orochimaru asked in jest, having not yet learned that all innuendo went completely over his temporary second in command's head.

"I guess I just have a hard time understanding how it both uses chakra to return her body to her prime chakra producing age, but also accelerates healing by time-compressing her until she recovers. Wouldn't it make more sense to enhance her natural regenerative kekkei genkai than speeding up her entire body's functions? It wastes so much chakra making her younger again and I can't even imagine what the strain of aging back and forth would do to her flavor. Ick." Naruto replied absently, suddenly in the lead of the group as they froze or paused to consider what he just said.

"...You can read a compressed seal?" The Otokage hissed in interest.

"Neh? I can?" The kunoichi was closest, so he slipped closer to her, brushed aside her long reddish hair and tugged down the collar of her top to expose her shoulder. "Huh, I guess I can. I wonder why aniki never told me I could before."

"H,hey! Don't go touching me without permission!" The red-headed girl screamed, jumping away.

"Sorry, sorry..." Naruto quickly replied, backing off in face of perceived feminine rage while glancing cautiously to make she wasn't going to charge him.

"I,I'm not embarrassed, or anything! J,just don't do that again, fuck-wad." The now red-faced young woman shouted awkwardly after making eye-contact.

Naruto just scratched the back of his neck and turned to his illustrious, currently female leader.

"Ku ku ku. Let us continue on. We can further test this ability of yours once we have procured Tsunade's assistance." Orochimaru giggled villainous, the longer he kept Naruto around the greater a resource he proved to be. With the minor exception of having to avoid eating within sight of him and never mentioning cooking or food. The shinobi might pass it off as another strange habit he seemed to assume other people were plagued with... On the other hand he might insist on either cooking or supplying rations and that was not something the snake man-who-stole-a-woman's-body-and-wore-it-as-his-own wanted to contemplate.

"It's getting kind of late... I'm gonna go ahead and see if I can find some dinner, you guys want anything?" Naruto asked the expected, dreaded question.

"No no, that's fine. Go ahead. We'll meet you in Tanzaku... Although, if you happen to find any pickles or ice cream bring them back, for some reason I keep wanting some..." The Otokage commanded.

"Hai, Orochi-datesha." And with that the chef scurried off.

#Author's Notes#

Heh heh. Kind of a short chapter this time, huh?

Anyways, I'm not dead or anything, just highly distracted by things. To see one of these distractions, go to youtube and look for "the tv show sugimoto" and click on the first thing to pop up. It's title should be in some crazy moon language.

Or watch the whole playlist of "Let's Play Eversion". I know it doesn't look like much at first, but by the third or forth video you'll understand. Just be sure to have the music on, be in full screen mode and all alone late at night when you watch it. From there, imagine playing it under those same conditions.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to make this an explict lemon at any point, as opposed to an implied lemon. I guess the main issue I have about it is a lack of restraint. If this became a lemon it would be a graphically explict lemon, which the site guidelines say is unacceptable. Not that I expect them to actually do anything other than remove the story, I did accept them, however, so I should at least attempt to abide by them.

Oh and also, I kind of forgot the running 'with ramen' gag. I thought about pickles with ramen cause of Orochimaru's last line, but it just wasn't the same. Possibly because no one has to be brutally murdered by super-ninja to acquire pickles.

Gabija is a hearth goddess, who purifies and blesses her worshipers using a white flame to remove poisons, diseases, curses and other such maladies.

Kunpuu – Summer Breeze

Tenshin Metsuki – Angel Eyes, you probably remember them best from Dragon Quest 8 where I copied them from.


	11. Ramen Surprise

Ninja Chef Naruto

By ______

Chapter Eleven: Ramen Surprise

#Tanzaku Back Alleys#

Tsunade swore as she swept down another narrow alleyway. Somehow this wasn't what she envisioned for her day when she'd won with an offhand bet in a friendly hand of poker. It definitely wasn't enough to be worth this. Damn, which hotel had she left Shizune at? They needed to skip town, now!

Apparently she'd finally built her debts a little too high as Iwa-nin, Kiri-nin and even Konoha-nin appeared out of nowhere, all intent on taking her in. She'd even seen a few Oto and Uzu-nin prowling around and while she didn't know they were after her as an absolute, there were some chances you just don't take.

She cursed again as another ninja appeared in front of her, pinning her in between two nuke, four Iwa and three Kiri ninja.

"We've all got debts to be paid, yeah?" An Iwa-nin rumbled cautiously.

"Sannin's gonna be a right pain to take down anyways. Don't need the debts cleared, just need her locked up tight in one place for a bit." A Kiri-nin noted, easing the tension between them as all nine focused on her. Ninja paranoia or not, betrayal was something for after a common goal was achieved. Teamwork to achieve the impossible and betrayal to reap all the benefits was always a better thing than betrayal followed by brutal failure. In this all sides knew each others' motives well enough to feel... not comfortable exactly, but not paranoid enough to rule out working together briefly.

Tsunade tensed. This was going to be tough, even without trying to keep from crippling any of her assailants. She had made it a point to never seriously injure, or kami forbid, kill anyone sent to collect her debts. So long as they were just after money there was no point, no reason to worsen her situation by aggravating the people she owed that blatantly. It was sort of an understanding, she doesn't hurt their collectors, their collectors have to take her in unharmed. Unfortunately incapacitating ninja debt-collectors was much, much more challenging than eluding a few samurai thugs.

She go for a 'light' tap to the right most Iwa-nin and than an electric shock on the-

"Sugoi! Ten high powered ninja all in one alley? I had to look for almost an hour to find three cheap thugs last night." The hunter shouted excitedly as he pounced, where once stood three Kiri-nin was nothing but a red gale. They died before they knew what was going on.

The four Iwa-nin fell almost as suddenly, stunned into inaction by first surprise and then by terrified recognition. The nuke-nin might have gotten away, had they not leapt in to try and kidnap Tsunade after she fell to her knees at the sight of so much blood.

The deceptively old woman withdrew into a phobia empowered coma as their red, warm fluid splattered onto her face. The coppery scent making her fear infinitely greater as the tiny, vestigial extrasensory of her kekkei genkai informed her that the orange-haired man covered in blood was either a demon or a god. She couldn't tell which.

Santoku's blade halted millimeters from her skin, seeming to almost caress her jugular before disappearing onto its wielder's back. The orange-haired shinobi dug through his pockets for a moment or two before pulling out a photo of some sort. He studied it, glancing occasionally at the unresponsive woman's forehead.

"Yep, that's the seal. Lucky I didn't hurt you by mistake, neh, obaa-chan?" The youth packed away his vic... ingredients as he talked, not particularly bothered by her lack of an answer. She was quite old after all, she probably needed her sleep.

Once ready to go he picked up the, in his mind, sleeping old woman and leapt off to find his boss, chakrasenses telling him the group was just on the other side of that oddly large collection of genin in the hotel district.

#Tanzaku Hotel District#

"I'm telling you, I was put under a genjutsu!" Sasuke shouted at one of his temporary teammates.

"And I'm saying I don't believe it. Weren't you bragging in the chunin exams how your eyes can see through any illusion." The dog ninja countered, his puppy yapping in agreement.

The Uchiha looked for support among those with him. Neji was smirking superiorly while Shino had an air of disapproval. Further from them Sakura looked on, disappointment and disbelief warring across her face. The new kunoichi glared hatefully on eye-contact and sneered in disgust as she looked away.

And the chunin of the group...

Thud. Ker-snap.

Died as a shinobiwith a massive knife and frying pan landed beside him, the handle of the pan slamming into the base of his skull with a loud crack.

Sakura gasped and Sasuke stared. "It's you..." Terrified of the legendary ninja before him, he activated his kekkei genkai. Which was, of course, a mistake.

"Sharingan!" The deadly foe cried, spinning around and lashing out with one hand.

Using his enhanced reflexes, the genin barely managed to move his arm to block, meaning that his opponent's deadly claw-like fingernails sank painfully into his arm instead of his neck.

"Neh? You're that scrawny one from Wave. Is your sensei here by any chance?" Naruto asked plainly, adjusting the still comatose woman partially slung over his shoulder.

At about that moment his danger sense rang, letting him know to sweep aside as a potentially fatal sphere of chakra breezed past where he was just standing. Sasuke, being vice-gripped as Naruto spun, was dragged headfirst into the rasengan. As a consequence, his arm snapped to free it from Naruto's grasp, his ribs were cracked through a combination of being struck with a rasengan and being sent flying into a brick wall and he got a clear glimpse of the woman being carried.

"Even if he is the enemy of women, I won't let you kill my fellow ninja while I'm around!" Tatsumaki cried nobly, putting her hands together to form another rasengan.

"Oh? I don't think I've heard that one yet. Hmm... You're a bit above chunin aren't you? Eh?" The last was asked as his foot bumped something while he stalked to a better position to keep from being surrounded. A quick sniff without looking made him pause. A quick glance sent him running. "Bland!"

"...What just happened." The redhead asked, her attack dissipating from between her fingers.

"It appears you just scared off an A-ranked nuke-nin and almost murdered the Uchiha." Neji noted, letting his Byakugan shut off as the enemy fled beyond his range.

"Tentative S-rank, pending review." Shino added, crouching to assess how badly Sasuke was injured.

"It was an accident! I mean, sure I hate the guy for doing that at the exams, but..." The daughter of Konoha's greatest hero panicked.

"Sa, Sakura..." A groan sounded from the rubble.

"S,Sasuke?" The mentioned pinkette asked softly, rushing to Shino's side to help her teammate and crush.

"It was him... From Wave, he ha, has Tsunade. Tell... tell Kakashi." Sasuke struggled to stay conscious, losing that battle soon after finishing his sentence.

"Hinata is our medic. I do not even know how to gauge the full extent of his injuries." Shino noted in what was a panicked manner for him.

"He has Tsunade." Sakura mumbled in disbelief. Her eyes sharpened as she realized what that meant. "He's kidnapped Tsunade! He's going to... to..."

Kiba and Shino instantly paled, looking stricken... Well, they both paled anyways which was as close to stricken as Shino ever looked.

"Inuzuka, Namikaze, track him but keep out of sight. Haruno, try to keep the Uchiha alive. Aburame and I will find our squad-leaders and inform them of the situation." Neji commanded smoothly, reactivating his eyes and preparing to leap away.

"And me?" The nondescript chuninasked before being bumped aside by the departing Hyuga, causing him to land oddly and eviscerate himself on one of his own kunai in a miraculous display of flexibility.

#Tanzaku Red Light District#

Naruto landed with a sigh at having escaped the bland before it bled on his shoe or something.

"...ld you before Jiraiya-sama, I cannot speak for Tsuna... de?" What appeared to be a mid-jounin in disguise froze upon noticing him. Damn, there sure were a lot of ninja here all of a sudden.

"Things are going to get very ugly, very soon, Shizune. She's had space and she's had time. Even in my case the time for playing these childish games is over. Konoha was leveled, do you understand? Leveled. If she refuses to be recalled this time she'll be made a missing-nin and you with... what are staring at? ...She's right behind me, isn't she?" The large, white-haired man between them said, his back remaining turned. Something was... strange about him. Or his chakra, rather. The chef paused, trying to figure it out.

Shizune nodded slowly, one hand edging under her opposite sleeve.

"Tsunade-hime! We were just talking... about..." The shinobi trailed off his jovial shout, eyes catching on blood, the woman and then the one carrying her.

Naruto almost lost his self control, licking his lips and reaching absently for a handle with his free hand. A sage! An honest to kami, fully trained sage! They were suppose to be myths.

He stopped and after painful consideration decided his mission from Orochi-datesha took priority. Unlike a genin, a sage wasn't just a snatch and run snack. And he'd probably need both hands for it too...

He leapt away as the disguised kunoichi rolled up her sleeve, firing a dozen senbon where he once stood.

"Shizune, go get the others." Jiraiya ordered, summoning a horse-sized toad and giving chase.

"H,hai." The poor young jounin skittered around, having no idea where to find any of the other Konoha-nin.

#Still Tanzaku City#

Naruto was starting to curse his overdeveloped chakra sense and, more importantly, his inability to ignore it while hungry. Ever since finding the old woman he'd found himself running into powerful ninja group after powerful ninja group.

Currently he was being chased by a sage, a large-ish summoned frog, three Iwa-nin, two Kiri-nin and an ever growing number of Konoha-nin, all of them intent on kidnapping the poor, sleeping woman he was tasked to escort to his boss.

Jump over a lightning bolt.

And now four Uzu-nin that seemed torn between tracking him and battling the Konoha-nin, which only meant the other groups started attacking each other mid-chase as well.

Duck the glowing sphere of swirling chakra, roll aside from the sweeping tongue and kick self off a wall to avoid the newly created swamp.

Oh great, now they were all making clones too!

Shield old woman with pan, hold self above ground on handle and vault onto nearby roof.

Another two Kiri-nin.

Dodge shurikens.

What the hell was with this town? How'd all these foreign ninja get into Fire country? Was that...

Sashimi!

No, snap out it! Remember the mission. Old lady to Orochi-datesha first, then lunch.

Don't look back, don't look back. Just a little longer, just a little-

Dip past the red and black cloaked shinobi, fall into an alley, fake left and dive through a window. Run through building as explosions tear it apart.

Stumble into room with three Iwa-nin. Dammit!

#Earlier#

"And that's everything to the beginner level. Are you sure they never taught any of this at the academy? Being able to enslave officials and shinobi through sex is the whole point of being able to seduce them in the first place. Every kunoichi should at least be able to take control of civilians and mercenaries." Kurenai muttered, privately railing at the academy's teaching standards.

Watching the shy Hyuga princess imitate the chakra exercises she'd just showed her, a bright red face and slightly glazed eyes told the jounin her favorite student already had a target in mind. It was odd it'd taken Hinata asking for Kurenai to realize she'd never checked her teams' abilities relating to more... intimate ninja arts. Probably because she was embarrassed at the thought of training young men in that regard, which was doubtlessly what got it mostly removed from academy criteria.

Basic sex-ed was bad enough without even mentioning the purposes behind ninja sex-ed.

A large part of the reason relationships between ninja and civilians failed was because the non-ninja partner usually ended up enthralled when the ninja got just a little carried away making love to them. And having a mind-fucked zombie around wasn't nearly as emotionally fulfilling as having an actual person.

And then of course, something completely different derailed that line of thought.

"Sensei!" Shino exclaimed, bursting into the room.

(What? He can exclaim things... Okay fine.)

"Sensei." Shino stated, bursting into the room.

Two small, dark circles of glass reflected an expanse of exposed female skin and loose, hanging bandages. The Aburame froze, a dark red spot appearing on the raised collar of his jacket.

Kurenaiuncoiled herself from the incredible demonstration of flexibility she'd been giving, hands darting up to cover her breasts and down to shield the junction of her legs. "Shino. What did I tell you and Kiba about knocking?"

The chill in his sensei's voice knocked the genin's brain back into gear. "The orange haired Oto-nin from Wave has captured Tsunade. Kiba and Karyu are pursuing him but they'll inevitably require back up."

The jounin nodded, turned around and started wrapping her bandages back over herself as quickly as possible even while dreading the nightmare she knew was to come.

And off to the side Hinata blushed, frantically repeating the chakra pulse her sensei had explained to her. If only she had more time to practice first...

#Also Earlier#

When it started Jiraiya had been bemused.

Someone trying to kidnap Tsunade? Heh, they were in for it when she snapped back to her senses. He followed to try and keep her safe in the meantime, only to be left just barely keeping up. That alone wasn't a big deal, he never was the fastest shinobi in a footrace.

Then things started to get weird. The kid almost literally ran over a pair of Iwa-nins, here in Fire country. Not only that, but rather than fight him, the great Jiraiya, sensei of their nation's worst enemy, they immediately set out after the shinobi carrying Tsunade.

There was only one conclusion the pervert could reach, Iwa already knew what happened to Konohagakure and was trying to stop Tsunadefrom being recalled to rebuild their forces. Yet they never used fatal attacks, instead trying to trip up the Oto-nin and restrain him. As if that wasn't odd enough, the kid jounin had then bounced past two Kiri-nin in a sake bar before bolting off in yet another direction, alerting them and a third Iwa-nin of his presence.

An Inuzuka genin appeared soon after that with Tatsumaki following him, though they struggled to even hold position at the far back of the chase.

At that point the large, white haired man decided it was best to kill the kidnapper before he alerted any more potential opponents and, however inadvertently, got the greatest future jounin, if not kage, of Konoha killed.

Almost like a signal the other pursuers starting throwing out more dangerous attacks at the carrier alongside him. Unfortunately those assaults were toned down in hopes of not killing Tsunade on accident and proved almost ignorable to the shinobi carrying her.

He cursed and used a general signal that told everyone to get Tsunade away first. Then something Jiraiya almost dreaded appeared.

Akatsuki.

The young jounin ducked past them without taking a second glance. The Uchiha gave an almost invisible nod as the Oto-nin slid between them and leapt down into the streets below.

It proved beyond any doubt, in the older shinobi's mind, that they were ultimately behind all this. The trying-not-to-kill-Tsunade-on-accident gloves came off. There was a toad-oil assisted explosion and everyone scattered.

#Elsewhere In Tanzaku#

"Sniff. B, but Gai-sensei, what can I do now that my rival has proven, proven... Sniff." Lee cried quietly, having finally accepted the full, enormous weight of what Sasuke had attempted at the chunin exams.

"I know Lee. I know. The truth of the matter is..." The green beast took a pose of sorrow, an impressive and dramatic backdrop of dark, bruised and sullen storm clouds eclipsing what was probably a sunset appearing behind him. "This, is my fault, Lee. The truth is I had long known my own eternal rival had an addiction to porn, but I had never, despite all warning signs, believed he would sink so low as to-"

"Hmm? Did you say something?" A fellow Konoha jounin asked, flipping a page of a little orange book entitled 'Icha Icha GPX'.

"But fear not Lee, for no matter how hip and how swayed onto the Adult Side, if the flames of your youth burn bright enough, that light can still reach him!" The green jounin continued, for once ignoring his rival ignoring him. "Call forth the flames of youth!"

"Yosh! You're right Gai-sensei! If I just train harder and-"

"Gai-sensei, Kakashi-san!" Neji shouted, sliding to a halt by the food cart the other Konoha-nin were loitering in front of. "Zetsu's Chef has captured Tsunade, Namikaze-san and Inuzuka-san are tracking them."

"Yosh, we'll need to-"

Woosh.

Woosh, of course, being the sound made by a young super ninja carrying another, much older super ninja and two extremely large pieces of metal on his back sweeping by roughly at as fast as human eyes were capable of taking notice.

"Dynamic pursuit!"

#Just Outside Of Tanzaku City#

"Orochi-datesha!" Narutocried excitedly, his boss and co-workers coming into view. He landed gently beside the red-headed kunoichi who immediately started muttering about idiots and not impressing her by single-handedly completing extremely dangerous missions.

"Ku ku ku. That's Orochimaru-sama where simple shinobi might overhear us. We have an image to maintain after all." The snake-sannin chided lightly, using chakra to collect vanilla ice-cream on a pickle like cotton candy on a stick. And then the traumatically long tongue and sucking noises came into play, making everyone of the Oto-nin present find something else to look at.

In Naruto's case this happened to, unfortunately, be one of other his allies.

"Wh,what? You think I care what a limp dicked bastard like you thinks about how I look, fucking baka." Tayuya demanded, her cheeks turning red under his gaze.

"Uh, you look... good?" Naruto replied cautiously, hoping to avoid the beating he sort-of thought was suppose to go with feminine rage. Between the girls he'd met so far that idea was looking more and more unrealistic. Maybe it was just at bath houses that sort of thing happened?

"Y,yeah, well... Stupid mother fucking baka. This is how I always fucking look. Baka bastard." The girl muttered, turning away to hide her blush as it worsened.

Narutoquietly patted himself on the back for not getting brutally assaulted by the one girl he was fair sure would actually do it if even slightly provoked.

"Heh heh, looks like Tayuya's in-" The six-armed shinobi started mockingly.

"Shut it you dickless, shit-licking cock sucker."

"Now Tayuya, a lady shouldn't-" The large shinobi reprimanded, quickly shutting up as the girl whirled to face him, her face a mask of rage.

"You too fatty!" Her flute was suddenly in her hands, threateningly close to her lips.

"Ku ku ku. It would appear you've led quite a group straight to us, Naruto-kun." Orochimaru quietly interrupted the building fight, swallowing the ice-cream covered pickle.

#Just A Few Dozen Feet Away#

Jiraiya stared, his emotions fighting between grim acceptance, explosive lust and retching disgust.

He'd almost convinced himself that Orochimaru had given some new female second in command the right to summon Manda during Konoha's destruction. Unfortunately his ability to lie to himself couldn't stand up to the shinobi kidnapping Tsunade handing her over and casually calling the dark-haired kunoichi Orochi-datesha and her correcting him with Orochimaru-sama.

That meant those rumors of his former teammate discovering a way to slip from body to body like clothes had some truth behind them. That also meant he'd slept with his former teammate and not the one he'd been wanting to for decades.

In turn, the fact that she was licking a pickle that had a glob of vanilla ice-cream balanced on the end with chakra indicated that when he'd slept with hi-

Her. Definitely not going to refer to Orochimaru as 'him' from now on.

Slept with her, she either hadn't known or wasn't under the effects of typical kunoichi contraceptive jutsu. Hence, in the sickest way possible, he was finally going to be a real father. Admittedly he'd always dreamed of raising a family with his teammate, he'd just thought it'd be with the one who was female back then. This entire situation was so... so twisted. Had he angered some kami by writing Ah My Icha Icha? Or was it Icha Icha Goddess that pissed them off?

The white haired man tried to drag his thoughts back onto the subject of rescuing Tsunadeonce more, but with this new, horrible reality crashing in on him all he could do is stare on.

Stare at the future mother, shiver, of his child as she nibbled at the side of a pickle, making lewd sucking sounds before licking up to the ice-cream with an unusually long tongue. By now the ice-cream had started to melt, leaving a small trail of sticky, milky white goo over the vegetable and onto her fingers, prompting her to lap up the mess and then lightly suck it off her fingertips. There was a brief flicker of pink as she gave a few trailing lashes before opening her mouth to slide the entire treat in, ice-cream end first, and...

Gah! What the hell was wrong him! This was Orochi-betray-Konoha-and-commit-acts-of-unspeakable-evil-maru! Even if h... she was wearing a highly attractive and flexible female body that-

No, bad Jiraiya.

But at the very least he had a problem on his hands. Regardless of the fact that, shiver, Orochimaru was the, shudder, mother, it was still his childtoo. And knowing that, how could he possibly fight h...er with the intent to kill? Saving Tsunade was paramount, of course, but, but... Dammit!

Maybe he could, could just fight the kid. Yeah fight the orange-haired, highly dangerous shinobi and leave the other Sannin and his guards to face a few genin teams and their sensei. Shit. Maybe he could just grab Tsunade and run? And then the snake-nin called him out.

He skidded to a halt facing the group, other Konoha-nin rallying behind him. "This is as far as you go, Orochimaru."

#Same Place#

"Dynamic Entry!" "Rasengan!"

Tied down by the fact that his fellow Oto-nin was directly behind him and armed only with one weapon thanks to his cargo, Naruto blocked the swirly ball of chakra with his pan, burning the girl using it if her flinch and backpedal were any indication.

The green man's kick to the ribs sent him skidding aside from there, though he managed to retain his balance through the brief pain. As soon as the momentum bled off he leapt into the air, over the crackling 'chidori', only to get nailed on the chin by a miniature of the green man who first hit him.

Between the enormous weight of his weapons and the shallow angle, he remained still in the air instead of flying upward as expected, allowing a moment of evaluation.

What the hell was going on?

Moment over the chef spun awkwardly to evade another 'rasengan' in midair, slipping narrowly past two kunai and an orange leg warmer, all while still carrying and shielding the resting old woman with one arm.

"This isn't good..." The scentless, gray-haired ninja behind him muttered.

"Indeed. But the others are tied down keeping Orochimaru's bodyguards at bay." The big green shinobi on his left said.

"Yosh. We must defeat this foe quickly. Is it time, Gai-sensei?" Little green shinobi on the right asked.

"Who is this guy anyway?" Redhead kunoichi in front threw in, creating another swirly ball of death between her palms.

After a split second wondering why the other ninja all stopped to chat over his head, Naruto got a great idea.

"Tsunade-hime!" "Tsunade-sama!" "Lady Tsunade!"

The group around him shouted as he tossed the old woman straight above him, using that single second to draw his knife and charge the fake, delicious Sharingan wielder behind him. The artificial shinobi was so startled the feint with the pan struck him poofing the scarecrow shadow clone, allowing the Oto-nin an extra quarter of a second to recover his mission objective before the Konoha-nin could.

And then the field flooded.

"Kisame." A stoic voice reprimanded as everyone regained their footing on the water's surface.

"What? It worked didn't it?" A gruff voice grumbled back as the two Akatsuki members attached to them leapt into the fray.

"We are not assigned to capture the target. That is Tobi and Kekko's job." Itachi countered coldly, eyes spinning with evil Sharingan power.

"What's the big deal? They aren't here and Jiraiya's already distracted. We do this and get it over with, right?" Fishman grinned as only a shark could, fingering the hilt of his bandaged blade in anticipation.

"I did not approve of this course of action." The Uchiha huffed, turning to face off against the unsung green beasts of Konohagakure.

"Come here gaki!" Kisame yelled gleefully, swinging his weapon merrily at Tatsumaki's hips to clip off her legs. The girl floundered under the killing intent pressing against her, having no experience with that particular element of ninja combat. Her muscles locked up in terror, she couldn't move, she couldn't move. Why couldn't she mo-

Clang.

"Sashimi." Naruto acknowledged, pan interspersed between the red headed kunoichi and Samehada's jagged edge. He struggled not to drool at the thought of the feast to come.

"Gah! What the hell are you doing here? I just want to kidnap the Kyubi brat." Kisame cried, abruptly bringing unwanted attention onto himself. Tatsumaki tore her gaze from her savior to the shark-like humanoid she'd just been rescued from. Jiraiya's eyes jerked from the freely jouncing breasts of his opponent at that damned nickname. Orochimaru herself couldn't help but glance at the one claiming to know who and where the Kyubi container was.

After a moment of confusion Tatsumaki figured out why the perfect sashimi with ramen was looking at her like that. "Me? You think I'm a jinchuriki?" She murmured in disbelief, cutely pointing at her own face with her index finger.

"Of course he means you. Where else would you hide a biju of that power, but in your most loyal, powerful ninja's offspring?" Itachi noted in the silence that followed.

"Eh, who really cares about stuff like that?" Naruto declared, shoving his opponent back and preparing for the hunt. Only to be abruptly reminded of his cargo as the sharky-one sliced at him in retaliation. Without a thought he tossed the old woman to the redhead, trying to get her out of the line of fire even as the jagged weapon tore across his body. He gurgled in surprise, stumbling back but not toppling at the damaged done. "That... hurt..."

But even grievously wounded, once two hands were free he was a more than capable shinobi and the follow up swing was blocked by Santoku, Kisame dropping back to avoid the super heated pan.

"Naruto!" Tayuya broke away from the dog based genin she'd been trouncing, her curse seal leaping into its second form as she swept in to stand between her comrade and his foe. "N,not that I give a flying fuck if you get yourself beat up or anything!" She quickly amended, flute flying to her lips.

Jiraiya froze once more, head turning at that name. It couldn't be, he would never have become something so, so...

"Ku ku ku. So we see who is the better ninja once more Jiraiya." As Orochimaru's feminine, semi-sinister giggle reached his ears he suddenly found himself paralyzed, falling over to float face up in the water. Dammit! Why did that laugh have to sound so hot? "...But I suppose I have a use for you. If they believe your disciple to be the Kyubi jinchuriki then we both need Akatsuki destroyed. You may live this time, perverted fool." With that Orochimaru stepped directly over him, proceeding to the other battleground and reminding him how that butt had looked when they were-

Bad Jiraiya!

As her curse seal failed under Samehada's chakra draining, Naruto scooped up Tayuya and parried yet another swipe. Regeneration knitted muscles and skin back together even as he was pressed to retreat.

Several snakes drove Kisame away as Orochimaru joined the battle. Naruto fell back to get Tayuya to safety before-

Smack.

A dainty fist collided with his face, sending him flying backwards at the staggering force of impact.

"Monster." An old woman wearing an extremely voluptuous body shouted, leaping after him. The next punch was blocked with the flat of Santoku, almost denting the blade from sheer force.

"Neh, obaa-san relax. I was just taking you to see Orochi-datesha." He tried not to show it, but that first punch really hurt. Feeling the bones pop back into place as they regenerated was even more painful than the actual attack. And that didn't even mention how the world was swimming and blurring.

He dodged away from the irate sennin, still carrying his irate kunoichi teammate.

"Ku ku ku. Calm yourself Tsunade-hime. The boy was simply following the orders I gave him."

Tsunade's anger stemmed briefly at that, before surging again at sight of the speaker. "Orochimaru." She snarled as much as a dignified noble of her stature was allowed.

"Hmm. How disappointing, I had hoped you would be open to making a deal. I see now you're still upset. And we can hardly make any offers here, surrounded by enemy ninja, now can we?" Orochimaru tutted sadly. "I suppose this entire mission was a waste. How unfortunate. Fall back."

"You're not going any-" Tsunade stumbled to a halt as Itachi appeared before her, her gifts as a Senju preventing her from adopting the thought of 'my top is too confining, to fight such an advanced foe I must remove it'. It did let her sense that he tried to hypnotize her though.

The Oto-nin swept out as two Akatsuki took on the Konoha-nin present for what they thought was the Kyubi container.

As they left, Naruto finally succumbed to the head injury he'd recently suffered, only to be caught by the girl he'd been carrying. "D,don't read anything into this, fucking baka. I'm only... only paying you back for your help with that dickheaded shark-faced shit stain. It, it's not like I like you or anything."

"Dammit! Where the hell is Kekko?" Kisame demanded, being quickly driven back by one full powered and one partially recovered sannin.

#Konohagakure#

"Ah. Not bad. You just barely managed to make up for the scarf." A glowing and refreshed Kekko murmured happily as she settled her recently arched back and rested her hips on her victim's. "Hmm. Maybe next time she escapes we can do this again."

With that the kunoichi rose, ignoring the sounds and mess disconjoining their hips made as she stalked to the shower. The pale, withered husk she'd been on top of rasped weakly, his chakra and fluids depleted so completely he could no longer move.

#Tanzaku#

"I would rather not know." His partner stated, sounding almost bored as he watched both Tsunade and Jiraiya attack the Arlong-wannabe.

"And why aren't you helping me!"

"It appears Tsunade has already been rescued." Shino deadpanned upon arrival.

Hinata fumed in frustration as Kurenai sighed in relief.

And then an astonishing number of debt collecting ninja charged into the clearing.

#Otogakure#

"You missed a spot Yugito-chan."

"Gah, dammit Kin, stop fondling me there!"

"Tell me what sexual means!"

#A Brief Omake/Spelling Error#

"Gai-sensei, Kakashi-san!" Negi interrupted, shocked to discover that places like this were still present in Japan and wondering where his students had gotten to.

…

Wait a second...

#Author's Notes#

Looking through my lost, vague outline to try and figure out where this is all going, most of what happened last chapter was suppose to be a surprise interlude in either this or the next chapter... Oh, incidentally I found my old outlines which prove at one point I did in fact have an overarching plot.

Also, any odd spacing, word-fusing or misuses of things that might once have been could, would, oldor blade are purely the fault of the site's spell checker which splits and fuses things at seemingly random if they end with de or ld or are simply next to an actual misspelled word.

Sugoi – Might mean really horrible/dreadful, might mean really terrific/amazing. Couldn't quite figure out which it was...

Obaa – Aunt or grandma. As with sugoi, who can tell? Used because Naruto is casual with how he refers to people.


	12. Filler With Ramen

Ninja Chef Naruto

By _

Chapter Twelve: Filler With Ramen

#Konohagakure#

"I realize the Sandaime basically said take all the time you need, but..." Obito paused, gesturing to the ruins behind him.

"No, I understand. It's because I turned my back and lost myself that monsters like him can walk around so, so openly without any concern of being hunted down." The recently retrieved, busty blonde kunoichi murmured mournfully as she gazed at what was left of the village her brother and lover had died to protect.

Obito, assuming it was obviously Orochimaru she was referring to, simply nodded in understanding and led her towards the field hospital.

Jiraiya scowled as he let them walk away. He had his own bad news to give and was hardly looking forward to it. The recipient was exactly where he'd thought she'd be, hanging out in a ramen bar, listening as her daughter gave an enthusiastic and exaggerated retelling of her first real mission.

"And then we caught up with him and he blocked my Rasengan, brushed off a kick from Gai-san and took out Kakashi-san's clone all with one hand!" The miniature redheaded kunoichi blathered, making eager air punches as she spoke. "He was so cool! When those cloaked guys from the chunin exam showed up, all 'you must be the kyuubi container' he totally stopped the shark guy all by himself." She paused to inhale a bowl before continuing a bit more thoughtfully. "Well, until Tsunade decked him for calling her 'Obaa-chan.' Then they all ran off and all these other ninja showed up to collect money from Tsunade. Did you get to fight any cool super-ninja here, kaa-san?"

Kushina's eye twitched violently and she gurgled her own ramen in surprise, trying not to drown as she was unwilling to let it go to waste in a spit take. "N,no. Of course not. Nothing exciting ever happens in the actual village." Was her nervous reply once she'd composed herself enough to talk.

This was followed immediately by a fog-horn cry of pain resonating over the village and dozens of ANBU dashing past, screaming about swamp jutsu and summoners to try and seal up the eternal summons again.

The toad-sennin naturally hid behind his invisibility jutsu as talking to Kushina took precedence over stopping a multi-ton, dozen story tall monster of stone and fur from breaking loose and rampaging around.

Tatsumaki gave her mother a skeptical look, but let the subject drop.

"So anything else happen?" The mother asked, grasping at straws for a distraction.

"Well, ero-baka got defeated by some girl pretending to be Orochimaru, but I think he was faking since he got up real quick once she was gone."

Jiraiya cursed angrily before scrambling for a new hiding place as the two turned to look in his general direction.

"Oh! And Kakashi-san also faced down Itachi! He totally got his butt kicked too, they were all..."

Grumbling to himself, the great toad sage wandered off to get a bottle of saki or two before checking back here for the older redhead. He probably needed to write some kind of report now anyway. While the Sandaime had let him get away with never doing any paperwork, he doubted Obito, as a brand new kage, would.

#Otogakure#

Sensation returned to Naruto slowly, starting with a soft, rumbling vibration against his head through two warm, cushy orbs pressed tightly against him.

"Back the fuck off, you over-inflated, brain-dead slut." Tayuya's voice rang over the continuous hum that coincided with the weird vibration.

"Hey! I'm giving you a chance with sensei, you should be grateful!" Kin cried back, clearly unhappy.

There was the sound of a tussle as the chef slowly opened his eyes, almost unwillingly.

"Let go or I'm going to rip off your fucking arms and shove them up your ass so hard you'll be shitting out your mph-"

"Sensei is trying to sleep. Keep it down."

The first sight that greeted him was Kin in an orange 'why yes it is mesh armor' bra and panty set, shoving a Tayuya-shaped demoness's face into her cleavage to silence the foul mouthed girl, their arms interlocked in a struggle of second-stage cursed seal versus kekkei genkai enhanced strength.

"L,like I give a fuck about him..." The cursed seal user backed off slightly before she could be smothered and murmured back much more quietly this time, her artificially tanned face blushing deeply enough to show despite her temporary skin-tone.

"So do you want in or not?" Kin demanded, frustrated at not being able to simply overpower her new rival.

"W,why the fuck would you think I did?" The other kunoichi averted her eyes even as she continued the fight.

Kin grinned evilly. "Well it's not like you know anything about seducing people is it? But lucky for us, Yugito-chan is an expert."

Both kunoichi paused, turning their attention to Naruto. Or at least he thought they had, until he realized the purring had stopped and both of them were in a state of enraged shock.

"What? Neither of you were paying any attention to him." Yugito's voice came from somewhere above and behind him, the warm thing pressed against him instantly being labeled 'Yugito's bare skin', meaning the cushy orbs were… Naruto froze, holding completely still, not even daring to breath.

"Put some fucking clothes on, you kami-dammed skank!" Tayuya roared, shoving Kin away and charging the female jinchuriki much like the monster she appeared to be would.

Kin grabbed the back of girl's clothes, inadvertently proving the cursed seal's second form was completely human in shape except for horns, a slight tail and the typical nails to claws. It also proved she was a natural red head and that even when the rest of her clothes disintegrate, nothing will destroy the Orochimaru designed belt/bow, which settled onto the girl's hips in a rakish tilt.

The shock caused her to freeze and drop the transformation, her cocoa colored skin turning pale again as various darker bits turned pink, her figure slenderized and an untamable clump of dark crimson shrank to a sparse patch of paler red that did nothing to hide what was behind it. The belt/bow slid off her narrower hips even as her eyes caught his and her face turned hot pink.

"Ha ha, sorry about that Tayuya-san." Kin chuckled nervously.

"I'll fucking kill you!" The enraged/embarrassed girl screamed, whirling around but soon discovering she was unfortunately outmatched in her human form.

"Hmm, they're not the sharpest kunai in the pouch huh?" Yugito purred huskily, languidly soaking in her unnoticed victory of having Naruto all to herself yet again.

Said shinobi nodded absently against her rumbling, purring chest, believing this to be a good dream. It'd be even better with ramen.

"Leave Onii-chan alone!" And then things went straight to hell as a tiny, white-eyed adopted younger sister burst in.

#Konohagakure#

"I assume there's a reason you wouldn't show yourself while Tatsumaki was around." Kushina stated, driving Jiraiya from his stalking.

"I found him." The sennin announced without preamble.

"I,I see..." The red head almost staggered, glaring at her trembling hands before she smoothed her hair. "And? There must have been a reason you didn't tell Tatsumaki immediately."

"The shinobi she told you about fighting, that's him."

"So they have to be enemies then." She deadpanned back. Jiraiya only nodded. Kushina undid her hiate-ite, staring at her reflection off the leaf symbol for a few moments. "Told you no child of mine would die that easy." She murmured, to herself more than to the aged pervert.

"Kushina, you don't need to-"

"What?" She demanded, suddenly radiating killing intent. "Beat myself up over this? I'm not. It's those bastards on the council and Sarutobi's fault! I got over my part in listening to that old monkey long ago, the only reason I'm still here is for Tatsumaki. If they made him what he is, then they deserve what they get!" The red head roared, summoning her chakra into a burning corona around herself.

"Sensei did what he thought was right. There was no way the public would accept him as Arashi's son while Tatsumaki was still around to play the part of heir." Jiraiya tried to justify his old jounin-sensei's actions, the reasons ringing hollow even to his own ears.

"And the public took him with open arms as an anonymous orphan." The kunoichi shot back snidely. "We could have hid ourselves away with four just as easily as three, try again pervert."

"He was suppose to be a deterrent, the most powerful jinchuriki. If he was gone-"

"Nothing would happen." The woman glared and scowled at him for daring to use that line of reasoning, the same lines the council used to convince the Sandaime to take her son the first time. It had been disproved twice, first by six years of nothing and then by the village being destroyed because a group of super-ninja that thought he was hidden somewhere still under the village's control and an attack would draw him out.

Jiraiya sighed. "I suppose there's nothing I can say to change things is there?"

"There is one thing... Two I guess..." The kunoichi calmed herself slightly, playing with her headband and turning away. "Is... is he... happy?" She hesitated to ask, her regret and anger disappearing behind the emotionless facade of a trained assassin.

"I'd guess so, doesn't seem to care too much about what others think. And from what Tsunade says, he's a genius ninja who isn't too bright about anything else."

"Heh. That sounds like one of my kids alright." The woman tied her hiate-ite back into place and turned her full focus on the shinobi. "And then the other thing... Any girls interested in him?"

"Uh, one of Orochimaru's bodyguards was pretty concerned about him, I guess..."

"That's it? Just one 'pretty concerned'."

"I haven't exactly had a chance to set up any spies on him..."

"Hmph, fine... Was she cute?"

"I didn't get a good look, all I was really able to notice was that she was a foul mouthed red head with long, straight hair. Huh, now that I think about it that sounds a little like-" Jiraiya turned a speculative eye to his greatest student's widow.

"Don't you dare say it, ero-sennin." She replied coldly, glaring.

"What, you don't think it's cute he's found a girlfriend just like his mother used to be?"

"Of course not! There's no way I'd allow Arashi to be with anyone besides me, so anyone my little boy was going to be with would have to be completely different." The kunoichi declared vehemently, one hand balled in a threatening fist.

"Whoa. And I thought I'd known you all these years... I approve." Jiraiya cheered her on, making her blush.

"S,shut up! It's not because life is suppose to like one of your stupid books. As an abandoned orphan he'll need lots of lavish, devoted attention to make up for earlier neglect, more than any one girl can provide. Not to mention... er, ahem. Grandchildren, because I'm much too young for that yet. But when the time comes... It would be... nice to know our legacy, my clan's and Arashi's, was secured by a few dozen little bundles of joy or so." The mother trailed off, holding her face and blushing like a Hyuga princess with a crush.

"I'll see what I can find, but don't get your hopes too high." Jiraiya told her, waving as he walked away, leaving Kushina to her fantasy world. He wasn't exactly comfortable thinking about newborns right now...

#Otogakure#

"So the cursed seal actually makes Naruto-kun's cooking a requirement to function?" Orochimaru puzzled over this, slathering peanut butter, chocolate and banana slices onto her sashimi before eating it.

Zaku shivered at the sight. It was disgusting, almost enough to make him not look forward to the 'ninja of unknown origin' ramen he'd prepared. "Well, after a mix-up where he ate my lunch and I spat his into the nearest trash can, the disease is... gone. Just vanished completely. He's better than any of the records ever indicated he's been since you first found him. I really can't explain it, none of the medical research I've been able to-"

"Kukuku... don't be too concerned, Kabuto made no progress in almost five years. What you have accomplished... Hmm, actually now that I think on it, where has Kabuto been these past few weeks?"

#Undisclosed Location#

"Tell me what you know." Shunk.

"Mph hpm mhp!"

"Oh, you'd like me to remove the gag wouldn't you, Itachi-in-disguise! Now tell me what you know!" Shunk.

"Mphf!"

#Otogakure#

"Probably off convincing Sasori he's still spying on me, I suppose." The body-thieving kunoichi mused, adding pickle relish to the mixture for the next bite.

#On The Road Somewhere#

Sarutobi frowned thoughtfully as he observed his most recent pupil manipulate the toy ninja puppet by making a series of strange faces with the chakra wire hanging from her lips. Her control was excellent, which was to be expected as every move she was capable of now has through pure chakra manipulation.

But what concerned him more was how her chakra had started to change. He was familiar with the girl's lineage, it was close kept secret that was one of the reasons he'd kept her from Danzou's little orphan kidnapping operations.

The Konomashii clan had a rather… Unfortunate kekkei genkai that led them to flee from Kirigakure decades before the true bloodline eradications began.

The ability to instantly coat themselves in poison and to breath it out, while useful for its automatic immunity was… Well, there numbers were always few, as by the very nature of their powers, the toxicity being their natural state and suppression of it requiring some concentration…

Many were the suitors and lovers that died in an impassioned moment.

He didn't fault her parents for sealing away her kekkei genkai at her birth, even when it became clear it severed almost seventy percent of her chakra from her.

In fact he suspected the sealing was what had led to her horrific injuries in retrospective. All that bottle up chakra finally unleashing itself… It was lucky she had been using it in such a way at the time.

Now that the seal was broken, though… The girl had been lacking the amount of chakra needed to practice sealless jutsu safely. Chakra exhaustion was one of the chief concerns he had had with training her up until the seal breaking…

As stated in a long and completely incomprehensible explanation a few chapters back, molding chakra using handsigns varied from village to village as each seal meant different things to different villages.

A ram seal's use in Konoha was an ox seal's use in Kumo for instance. The sign itself wasn't important, just how the user was trained to flex their chakra while making it.

Not only was this the main reason jutsu theft was so difficult, it was also one of the reasons sealless jutsu often needed repeated practice. Once someone made the kawarimi seals enough times they just knew how it felt and could imitate it with a thought.

Alternatively, teaching someone to use chakra in its pure form from the start was… challenging. Fortunately, with all the practice she was getting with internal manipulation it might be possible to simply describe how to move her chakra and she'd be able to manage from there.

Now, how to broach knowing her clan, letting her kekkei genkai get sealed and allowing her to be a nameless orphan with a rather large handicap in chakra volume?

"Ow! Dammit, that hurts." Anko complained loudly as her human transformation failed again, causing two fox tails to appear under her very tight mini-skirt before she gathered her chakra and turned back, smoothing down the fabric that had folded up almost into a belt to accommodate her extra limbs.

The old man barely stopped himself from suggesting she stop wearing it if it was so painful, but fortunately his survival instincts kicked in and he held his peace. He wanted to live, after all.

With a sigh and a lit pipe he decided he'd think of someway he could broach the subject with Tenten later. At least Anko's situation was fixing itself quite neatly.

#Seireitei#

"You sent for me, Shunsui-taichou?" A shinigami with spiky blond hair asked, entering the 8th division's captain's office.

"Ah, Arashi-san. It seems we need to step your training up a bit." The captain said groggily eying a retreating hell butterfly as it hovered away.

"What happened?" The former Hokage asked in a calm, controlled voice. Few things had ever phased him and a change of plans was hardly anything for a ninja to be concerned about.

"We, as even extremely minor gods, are caught up in a three front war." The death god in floral pink rubbed his forehead, annoyed. "You already know a bit about hollows, but there a few things you'll need for your mission. First thing's, they're the natural soul collector for the Reikai and king Yama. If he was still on his throne the collected souls would be brought to him and reincarnated, rewarded or punished. The hollow's wouldn't be anywhere near as out of control, but we aren't spirits and we can't trust any that could take up the throne. The closest we've ever come to mimicking him is having our zanpakuto cause reincarnation whenever we destroy a hollow or a soul. Oh, and it also might be important to know that many of the older vasto lordes and adjuchas remain loyal to king Yama, even though he's our prisoner."

"And the arrancar?" Arashi asked quickly, trying to decipher where this new knowledge fit into his mission.

"Arrancar and vizards are just gods or spirits that took up the other side's powers. They aren't important." Shunsui lounged, pouring a saucer of sake. "What you need to understand is that hollows are just another form of spirit that resisted or eluded our initial invasion and most spirits are elemental in nature..." The captain glanced at his zanpakuto, causing the younger shinigami's eyes to widened. "Right. A shinigami is just a very minor god, a captain on his own is weaker than most other godlings, so to police Reikai we needed an equalizer. What's the natural form of power that most of us gods have? The Yggdrasil-given ability to program and hack reality using symbols, sounds and our will. Once most of the spirits were conquered, all a shinigami needed to do was draw a connection to a specific spirit's prison and..."

"And that's why we need to dominate and enslave our zanpakuto. Because in reality we're only borrowing their power as our own by how subservient we can keep them." The former ninja was quick to understand the basics.

"Right." The other death god paused to sip his alcohol. "A spirit's power is different in one other small way, when they accumulate power it improves everything about them simultaneously with a slight edge to any attribute they might emphasize or be extremely skilled in. When a god accumulates power it unlocks more powerful and instinctive use of their ability to influence reality. To fling out effects, modify themselves and others and create or contain things. The demons residing in the Makai's main power is their ability to use mana and sheer destructive, or at least corruptive, potential by simply existing or taking any action."

Arashi puzzled over this briefly. "But what does this have to do with me?"

Shunsui sighed, finishing his drink and shaking the bottle to make sure there was no more in it. "Mortals have a mix of all three other's traits. In fact you might say their power was to adapt and imitate the rest..." The man trailed off for a moment. "When you summoned me, I composed a seal to further Igudo-dono's timetable. It was meant to take power from the oni kyuubi and accumulate it to as much as it could safely store... About half I guess. That energy was to be purified through the boy and later used to accelerate the creation of the kyuubi kami... Unfortunately..."

"Unfortunately..." Arashi gripped the hilt of his zanpakuto and prepared to murder his commanding officer.

The captain sighed and scratched his head. "Well, I might have made a few oversights and mistakes... Happens to everyone occasionally, right?"

The unranked shinigami leapt at him, blade halted by a sake saucer held casually between two fingers.

"I figured, well life'll probably suck for him, why not make him more attractive to women? But that's beside the point. The seal was designed to create the final kami biju. But for some reason the oni kyuubi decided it liked the brat and actually gave him enough chakra to rapidly evolve him into a demon. I can't even imagine why but it had a minor side effect. See, when the seal felt him sliding towards 'hanma' or 'hanyou' it decided he was better off being the kami kyuubi, so it sort of starting following through with that. Since he was already made part demon and I didn't make an array anywhere near powerful enough to fix that... He's kind of become the first, highly illegal, demon-god in the last... Eh, fifty-thousand years I guess. The only other two I ever heard of were Urd-sama and Ifurita-sama... Well I guess they were demoness-goddesses... But the point isn't they were both hot... The important thing is... Huh, forgot where I was going with that."

Arashi gnashed his teeth, realizing that not only was he stopped by a lazy gesture, it was a lazy gesture from a drunk. "And the oni kyuubi?"

"Oh it goes free once the filtering's done. Igudo-dono didn't shut down the doublet system in this dimension until about five years after I'd already made the seal, so..." The captain pulled out another bottle from hiding.

"Oh Ise-fuku-taichou, Shunsui-taichou is drinking instead of doing his paperwork again." Arashi cried out, already knowing how bad Kushina had been whenever he did something she didn't like while on 'upstanding Hokage' time. He gave the bastard one last glare, but knew there was really nothing he could do. His poor son... Anything 'illegal' was a mazouku and any mazouku were suppose to be...

"That's low Arashi-san." The captain scolded him, pulling the brim of his hat down to take a nap even as the lieutenant stormed in. Once he was sure the man had left, he smirked carelessly and poured from the new bottle. He'd said things he wasn't suppose to, things he knew would influence the comparatively young shinigami against Igudo-dono... Yet he just didn't care.

The truth was that Igudo-dono had greatly exceeded his authority. How it was Kami-Sama hadn't suspended his license by now was something of a mystery, any number of the actions he'd taken since being placed in charge of this world were grounds for suspension, if not quarantine or even deletion.

Igudo-dono had severed the Yggdrasil connection by converting himself into a filter-lock function of it, true, but Kami-Sama was certainly capable of exceeding such measures the second any suspicions arose.

If forced to choose between the world Igudo-dono had crafted and the way things were intended to be, Shunsui knew he couldn't make the right choice. Or rather, that making the right choice wouldn't matter. If he turned against the one in control of Yggdrasil locally…

On one hand he really did like the increase in status, responsibility and power. On the other, there was more paperwork, less free time and the very thought of the mortals trying for immortality and actually achieving it without him at his old post to stop them pissed him off beyond measure.

Most of the newer shinigami weren't even aware that was suppose to be their function, cutting down those who refused to die when they were suppose to. Used to be you'd befriend a spirit to act as your zanpakuto, not dominate it. Everything concerning death had been a joint effort, the shinigami finding the faux-immortals, using their powers to summon aid from whoever had accepted them as a partner, the hollows collecting lost soul where and whenever they failed to pass on. Lost soul even becoming hollows in especially neglected areas at times… Even the sparse, unorganized demons had lended themselves to torture those that truly deserved it…

But then his thoughts drifted back towards the most sweeping change. In the old days so much as a half-second daydream of cleavage was enough to get you pummeled by the perv-senses anything female seemed to have. Then Igudo-dono took over and boom.

He found his original, devoted lieutenant reading a porn magazine instead of doing her paperwork. He caught himself flirting with Unohana and she didn't suddenly attack him... Well, not until he stepped over a line that even he admitted was taking it too far, too soon...

It was less pronounced among the humans and spirits of the time, since they were never as strict as the gods had been about prudence and modesty but it was present among them as well. And understanding the implication behind the sudden change and Igudo-dono cutting off Yggdrasil... Well... Between this present and that past what was right sort of blurred to him...

Especially as he gave his frustrated lieutenant a lazy smile and watched her stutter and blush. He tried not to imagine how bad she'd be without Igudo-dono sitting on the Yggdrasil connection. If she was so repressed and prudish now...

#Author's Notes#

Yeah, not feeling it with this as much anymore, sort of a filler/minimal computer access/set-up chapter. I'll try to get back into it, but for the moment... eh... Well, it's shorter than I had wanted it...

Hollows eat spirits to keep their powers from consuming them, or something like that yeah? So, the whole reason Orochimaru was made a half-hollow for this story... Well, you get the idea.

Also, it struck me that if you were to use hollows to collect souls instead of shinigami, things might go a whole lot better, provided someone was managing them and keeping them from going crazy. I mean if a soul that hangs out long enough turns into one, it indicates that it's part of some natural cycle that the shinigami are screwing with in their self-righteousness.

Let's face it, the Bleach shinigami are just the sort of arrogant, micro-managing bastards that would fuck up the entire natural order of things to make themselves feel more important. If we go by filler, they even go looking for more ways to jack everything up.

And while we're all being honest, as a manipulative, backstabbing plot device, Danzou is kind of awesome and versatile. As someone who's actually exposed and in the open… well, even the god-mod Sharingan couldn't make up for his suck, could it?

It disappoints me how close to canon 'Dance Of The Pyreflies' turns out to be relative to Kushina and demon sealing. Turns out the author wasn't imaginative, just semi-clairvoyant with a dash of Final Fantasy X as a cross-over to disguise it once the future was revealed to us.

Konomashii – Likeable, desirable, nice, ect. I had wanted something more like 'pure water' and figured mashii meant something akin to pure as it was used for pure white and pure water, so… I found this word, which works better because 'you always want what you can't have'. I just know someone's going to correct me on it.


End file.
